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A train is approaching the station when
suddenly it leaves the track and zigzags through the meadow.
After a couple of minutes it returns to the station. The station manager
asks the driver: "What
happened over there?". Driver: "There was a Pollock walking on the
track". Station manager: "That's
strictly forbidden! I would have run over him!". "I tried to", said
the driver, "But I had go all the way
into that meadow to get him".
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A man is talking to God and asks
him: "God, why did you make women so beautiful?", to which
God replies: "so that you would find them attractive". Then the man
asks: "God, but why did you
have to make them so dumb?". To which God replies: "So that they would
find you attractive!"
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At the end of the third round the boxer says to his trainer: "Do you
think I can beat him?". "I'm sure",
says the trainer, "If you keep waving your hands through the air like
that he will surely get a
pneumonia by the end of next round".
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This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's
pet rabbit in his mouth.
The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going
to hate him forever, so he
takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath,
blow dries its fur and puts the
rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will
think it died of natural causes. A
few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear
that Fluffy died?". The guy
stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?". The neighbor
replies, "We just found
him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after
we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a
bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people
out there!"
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Public service announcements from around the world:
,/b>
USA: "It's ten o'clock: do you know where your children are?"
Italy: "It's ten o'clock: do you know where your husband is?"
France: "It's ten o'clock: do you know where your wife is?"
Poland: "It's ten o'clock: do you know what time it is?"
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A letter from mom:
Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live
where we did when you first
left. Your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20
miles of home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address as the last family here took
the numbers with them for their
next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place
has a washing machine. The
first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen
'em since. It only rained twice this
week, three days the first time and four days this time. The coat you
wanted me to send you, your
Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with
the heavy buttons, so we cut
them off and put them in the pockets. About your sister, she had a baby
this morning. I haven't found
out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know if you are an Aunt
or an Uncle.
Not much more news this time, write soon.
Love, Mom
P.S. Was going to send you money, but the envelope was already sealed.
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A drunk in a bar is bragging about girls: "I wish I had a buck for every
girl I ever had sex with".
"Why?", says the man mext to him, "Would you like to buy a news paper?".
A manager has to take on some sport by his doctor so he decides to play
tennis. After a couple of
weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing. "It's going fine", the
manager says, "Whem I'm on the
court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says:
To the corner! Back hand!
To the net! Smash! Go back!". "Really? What happens then?", the girl
asks enthusiastic. "Then my
body says: Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!".
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Lazy Fisherman
A Dane, a Finn, a Norwegian and a Swede, all Chairmen of multinational
Scandinavian
companies, were having a morning stroll on the beach at Kovalam, near
Trivandrum,
Kerala, India. They were enjoying a free morning from the Business Strategy
seminar
being held in the 5-star luxury hotel.
As they walked along they came across a fisherman lazing on the warm
sand between
two large fishes. He smiled broadly and greeted them in perfect English.
Surprised to meet a seemingly poor fisherman speaking good English,
they stopped to
chat with him. They asked him what he was doing on the beach. He said
he was
waiting for customers to come to the beach in a couple of hours to buy
his fishes, for
which he would get $5 profit.
The Swede, a little surprised at this intelligent man wasting his time
lying on the beach,
asked him why he did not go out and catch more fish before the customers
arrived.
The fisherman queried him as to what he would do with more fish.
The Finn said that he would get more money if he sold more fish. The
fisherman
appeared confused and asked what he would do with more money. The Dane
explained that he could buy a small boat, go out to sea and catch more
fish. The
confusion of the fisherman appeared to grow. He asked what he would
do with even
more fish. The Norwegian quipped that he would get even more money and
possibly
be able to buy a good Norwegian trawler to catch more fish.
The fisherman was astounded - he asked them what he would do with even
more fish.
The Swede was now impatient. He told the fisherman that he could fish
in international
waters and catch more fish and make more money. In fact, he could become
a rich
man.
The fisherman was quite taken aback. He asked them what he would do
with all the
money he got.
The Finn was quick to tell him that he could form a multinational company,
get others
to do his work while he relaxed on the beach, enjoying the sun and the
sand.
The fisherman looked at them incredulously. He asked them a simple question
-
"What am I doing here just now?"
This joke (a bit embellished here for our Scandinavian readers) was
told by a leading
Indian cardiologist, Dr. K. P. Misra, at a gathering in Madras where
he was talking on
the Art of Living.
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Rags to Rags
Hanging on our living room wall is a Royal Arden ceramic plate which
Annikki picked
up from a shop in England. We think the message is very enlightening:
Rags make Paper
Paper makes Money
Money makes Banks
Banks make Loans
Loans make Beggars
Beggars make Rags
Identity of the Devil
This gist of this item was picked up from a Finnish magazine, Pirkka
- we thought you may
enjoy it as much as we did.
Anil and Tuomas came out of their religous education class having been
told all about
the horrible works of the Devil. As they mused on this and the possible
identity of this
creature, thoughtful Tuomas had an opinion. As his parents had told
him the story
about the stork when his baby sister was born and they kept telling
him about
Joulupukki (Father Christmas) every December, - surely this must be
the same story
and the Devil was surely only his "dad"!!
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Turning in their graves?
This letter was seen in a newsgroup at the time of the destruction of
the Babri Mosque in
India by Hindu fundamentalists - (copyright acknowledged to Mr. Babu
Gopalakrishnan).
Article 64040 in soc.culture.indian:
Subject: Re: Babri damaged; India for all? Yeah Right!! Glad am Pakistani!!!
Date: 7 Dec 1992 15:19:43 GMT
In an article (deleted) writes:
{stuff not worth reading deleted}
$ Jinnah must be having the last laugh, Gandhi, Nehru, etc must be turning
in their
graves.
Wrong! They were cremated.
Babu Gopalakrishnan
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Story of Four People
This sign was seen hanging on the wall of the clinic of a doctor in
the heart of the Tiger
Sanctuary of India, Kanha National Park.
This is the story about four people named
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done.
Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry as it was a job for Everybody.
Everybody thought that Anybody could do it,
but Nobody realised that Everybody would not do it.
It ended that Everybody blamed Somebody,
when actually Nobody accused Anybody.
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Not so funny for Jurgen
A German, Jurgen Michel, had a dream that he should pay Mother Theresa
a visit.
Travelling to India, he arrived at Morga Railway Station, near Calcutta.
He was
greeted by the deafening sounds of fireworks being exploded to celebrate
the victory
of India over Pakistan in the World Cup cricket competition.
Scared to death by this thunderous sound, Jurgen ran for his life, only
to attract the
attention of the passers-by, some of whom thought he was one of the
accused of the
Purulia arms case, where arms had been air-dropped in an Indian village
by some
foreigners. They ran after Jurgen to apprehend him. Jurgen sprinted
away followed by
a herd till he found a lake to jump into!
The mob pulled him out and attacked him till, fortunately, the police
arrived and
rescued a badly beaten Jurgen.
Jurgen did meet Mother Theresa but only after his Calcutta nightmare!
Remember the saying
"They all look alike"
It works both ways!
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Best Country
President Bill Clinton, President Boris Yeltsin and Prime Minister Narasimha
Rao were
to meet God and allowed to ask one common question. They decided to
ask God how
long it would be before their respective countries became the greatest
and best in the
world.
When President Clinton asked the question, God thought for a moment
and told him it
would take about 50 years. President Clinton left the room crying that
he would not be
able to live to see that day.
To President Yeltsin, God said that it would take 100 years and Yeltsin
also left the
room crying because he would not be able to see that day.
When Prime Minister Narasimha Rao asked God the same question, there
was a stony
silence for a moment, and then God started crying and left the room
as he also would
not...!
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Meaning of Spicy Humour
"Life without humour is not only boring and monotonous but harmful for
health."
So wrote Dr. K. P. Mishra, a renowned cardiologist and brilliant teacher
in the medical
field (and from whom the following joke originates). We have to learn
to laugh,
especially at ourselves. I am an Indian, so a joke about India is not
because I am
anti-Indian. So also Annikki is a Finn, so a joke about Finland does
not make her
anti-Finnish. Since Raghu, who took offence about our joke last week
about India, is
from the State of Andhra Pradesh in India, I thought I would especially
give him a joke
about his state! Laugh, Raghu, laugh.
Andhra Pradesh is reputed to serve the hottest (spiciest) food of all
in India. It is
claimed that Andhrites have chilli hot dishes even for sweet! Considering
the last two
recipes we had in Findians Briefings we thought it appropriate to bring
you a spicy joke
from this wonderful state which houses two of the greatest sculptures
in the world -
The Veiled Rachel (marble) and The Laughing Duke (wood).
I took a Finnish friend to the capital, Hyderabad. We went to a good
Andhra
restaurant. It served great Andhra food. My macho colleague insisted
on having the
same food that I ordered , and especially on using a condiment kept
on the table, like a
sauce, and which is called "gunpowder". This is added to food by people
who do not
think the food is spiced enough! My friend added a bit of this to his
food. A few
minutes later tears started streaming down his face. I asked the waiter
to help him. He
said to my friend "Please take some ice cold kulfi (traditional ice
cream) and you will
be all right." The Finn had some kulfi and was quietened.
We went back to the hotel. His room was across the corridor from mine.
At about 3 in
the morning I heard him shouting to me at the top of his voice. He was
clamouring and
demanding that he wanted kulfi there and then. I had a job trying to
explain to him that
there was no kulfi suppository - only oral preparations were available
in the market.
Finnish macho friends - take care.
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Left and Right
With the elections now over in India this joke which origiates from
Sweden in the
early-seventies is most relevant to the BJP, the Congress and the Third
Front (an
alliance of various groups). The joke relates to the decision to change
over the driving
of vehicles from the left hand side of the road to the right hand side
in Sweden.
The committee that was making the decision said that they had decided
to do this
progressively. In the first year trucks and heavy vehicles would be
required to shift to
driving on the right hand side. The following year it would be buses
and light vehicles
that would shift over to follow this rule!
Is that how the political parties plan to take charge of India? Well,
they can learn from
the Finns who are masters at this game. They presently have a consensus
government
of left and right parties - but they seem to agree and are united on
one subject -
destroy the poor!
Beats me as what were their policies in their manifestos.
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Simplified EU English
Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EU, the European
Parliament
has commissioned a feasibility study on ways of improving efficiency
in
communications.
European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily
difficult;
e.g.: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed
is a phased
programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would,
of course,
be administered by a staff committee at top level from the participating
nations.
In the first year the committee could suggest using "s" instead of the
soft "c". Sertainly,
sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then
the hard "c" could be
replaced by "k" sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would
this klear up
konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be
made with one
less letter.
There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was anounsed
that the
troublesome "ph" would henseforth be written "f". This would make words
like
"fotograf" twenty persent shorter in print.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the
stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments would
enkourage
the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate
speling.
We would al agre that the horible mes of silent "e's" in the languag
is disgrasful.
Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing
had
hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl
would be
reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing "th" by "z". Perhaps zen ze funktion
of "w" kould
be taken on by "v", vitsh is, after al, half a "w". Shortly after zis,
ze unesesary "o" kould
be dropd from words kontaining "ou". Similar arguments vud of kors be
aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.
Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl
riten styl. After
tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin
it ezi tu understand
ech ozer. Ze drems of the guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.
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