LIERS

What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

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What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
No? Good!

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How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.

What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.

How do you kill 4000 lawyers?
You build a new Titanic and declare it cannot sink.

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What's the strongest argument against both theories of origin?
Politicians and lawyers. Who in their right mind would create (or evolve into) these species?

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.

Have you heard about the lawyer's word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.

What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A lobotomy.

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What is the difference between a female lawyer and a catfish?
One's slimey and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.

How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a dalmatian?
A dalmatian knows when to stop chasing the ambulance.

What do slime molds have more of than lawyers?
Respect.

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What does molds, ooze, and lawyers have in common?
They're all slime.

Why did the lawyer cross the road?
To get to the car accident on the other side.

What would happen if you lock a cannibal in a room full of lawyers?
He would starve to death.

Why don't hyenas eat lawyers?
Even hyenas have some dignity.

What do you call an honest lawyer?
An impossibility.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit.

Why didn't the circus clown feel so bad about his career?
At least he wasn't a lawyer.

What is the difference between pigs and lawyers?
You can learn to respect a pig.

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What is the difference between baseball and law?
In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.

 

Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

Why didn't the doctor (any other profession) pay the rent on his outhouse?
He didn't like the lawyer living downstairs.

 

Who do lawyers never take their cats to the beach?
Their cats keep trying to bury them with sand.

 

What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
Both have about a one in three million chance of becoming a human being.