16. If you don't like a girl, but can't think
of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite,
meaningless explanations like, "I don't know. I just don't like her
personality."
17. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only
monosyllabic words and
noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
18. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.
19. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name
with urine.
20. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend.
She will then see what she's
missing and love you for not giving up on her.
21. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
22. Say things like "Wha...?"
23. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend
picked it out, and it will cramp
your style on picking up chicks.
24. Lie.
25. Deny everthing. Everything.
26. Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me."
27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because
if any of your female friends like
you, they'll really want to know.
28. Don't have a clue.
29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
30. No means yes.
31. Yes means no.
32. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel.
Enforce this rule at all times.
33. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and
locations. Improvise.
34. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often
signifies the end of a
relationship.
35. Feelings? What feelings?
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36. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you
don't have an orgasm, you won't
get pregnant."
37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at
anything, either pretend it's not true
or kick some arse.
38. Political correctness is an unacceptable part of our society.
Take it upon yourself to personally
eradicate it from the planet.
39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into
a corner and must make a
decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself
a loophole for escape.
Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?"
Answer: "Yes, if you can
guess how many sperm I produce each day."
40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual
meaning.
41. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various
genitalia. If, by chance, you have
Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure
to make sure it's right.
42. Lie.
43. "Love" is not in your vocabulary; don't even think about saying
it.
44. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you
completely in 5 minutes, it's really
not worth it.
45. Ditch your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Ditch
her again. Repeat cycle.
46. Lie.
47. ALWAYS apologise. NEVER mean it.
48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
49. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things.
You know, like your
girlfriend's birthday and eye colour.
50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see
you.
51. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
52. Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen,
etc.
53. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel
sorry or you and send you
mail, ignore it and continue complaining.
54. Lie.
55. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people
you don't know.
56. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people
you don't know.
57. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T
STOP! This is the desired
reaction.
58. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
59. You are male, therefore you are superior.
60. Agenda for a boring evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself.
Have sex. Drink more
beer. Pass out.
61. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to
please you.
62. Don't ever notice anything.
63. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't
say anything. Wait until the
girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell
her.
64. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
65. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
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66. Lie.
67. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically
you've done nothing wrong.
68. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you
have to cry about, anyway?
69. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
70. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
71. Remember, every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
72. If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven
wrong, blame others. Come
up with creative and believable excuses why they are at fault - not
you.
73. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase
and it didn't come out of your
mouth, go ballistic.
74. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until
a parking spot right near the
door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted
"door spot" and others will
worship your skills.
75. Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about
sex. Compare with others.
76. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long
and loud.
77. Lie.
78. General Rule: Different is BAD.
79. If anyone asks you for a favour -- (a) make a big deal about how
hard it is for you to do it, (b)
remind them of this huge favour you've done for them at least every
5 minutes for the rest of their life.
80. Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long
run.
81. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want
to talk to you, pretend nothing
happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "Is something
wrong?"
82. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak
to you again, but it's bad for
my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to
be your friend.
83. Lie.
84. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation,
tell the girl how many different cars
you've been laid in.
85. When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God,
I was such a pimp back then."
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86. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and
when you come back, you want her
naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave, and go into her Dad's room and
tell him he should go check on
his daughter. Then drive like hell.
87. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone
else, she has no right to be
upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.
88. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls
on top.
89. Practise your blank stare.
90. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your
arse. Then, whenever you
need one, you can pull it out of your arse.
91. If you ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions
like rage and lust and insanity
and display them at random, inconvenient times. You don't be asked
to do it again.
92. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do,
first try your manly best to
get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were
asked to do, but complain that
you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how
to do each little part. If no one
rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed
way you possibly can and then
say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will
stop asking you to do things.
93. Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than
it already is. When people
ask if you've been working out, say things like, "No, baby, I was
BORN like this!"
94. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd,
or Oldies.
95. Beer. Then more beer.
96. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.
97. One word: FOOTBALL!
98. Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want
the inferior of the species to get
to reproduce ever, do we???
99. Ditch your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with
"The Gang".
100. LIE.
