There are three types of people in this world. Ones that can count, and those that can't.
New ways to relieve Stress:
1. Right before throwing it about 30 feet in the air, butter your
cat's feet to see if it will help him land on his back.
2. Write your own obituary and mail it into the local paper. Then
sit back, relax, and enjoy the flowers.
3. Call Delta and ask if they've got a flight you can miss cause you
ain't going nowhere.
4. Call in a pipe threat to a bomb factory.
Oakland School District Languages:
Afro American speak = ebonics
Native American speak = Kimosabics
Chinese American Speak = Won-Tonics
Japanese American Speak = Mama-san-ics
Eskimo American Speak = Harponics
German American Speak = Autobonics
French American Speak = Escargonics
Oakland School Board Speak = Moronics
"Never hire an electrician with scorched eyebrows" unknown
Did you hear about the blonde who took an I. Q. test? She was
thrilled, the results came back negative.
" Give me ambiguity or give me something else!"
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It is a slow day for St. Peter, so , upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, " I'm not very busy today, why don't I show you around?"
The guy thinks this a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room, and library, the observation room, and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks.
The guy asks, " what is up with all the clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When the clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the gates to be judged."
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some clocks are moving faster than others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds
his clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What is the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "that is O. J. Simpson's clock. We just decided to use it a fan."
THE RABBIT, THE FOX, AND THE WOLF -- A FABLE
One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the weather. The day was so nice that she became careless, so a fox
sneaked up behind her and caught her.
"I am going to eat you for lunch!", said the fox.
"Wait!", replied the rabbit, "you should at least wait a few days."
"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"
"Well, I am just finishing my Ph.D. dissertation."
"Ha, that's a stupid excuse. What is the title of your dissertation, anyway?"
"I am writing on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that
a fox will always win over a rabbit."
"Not really, according to my research. If you like, you can come
to my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch."
"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came back out.
A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and
sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon
her.
"Wait!", yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."
"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"
"I am almost finished writing my dissertation on 'The Superiority of
Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its hold on the rabbit.
"Maybe I shouldn't eat you, you really are sick in the head, you might have something contagious."
"Come and read for yourself, you can eat me after that if you disagree with my conclusions." So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole and never came out.
The rabbit finished her dissertation and was out celebrating in the lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You seem very happy."
"Yup, I just finished my dissertation."
"Congratulations. What's it about?"
"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."
"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."
So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they went in, the friend saw a typical graduate student abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a dissertation. The computer with the controversial work was in one corner, on the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the left was a pile of wolf bones, and in the middle was a large, lip-smacking lion.
The moral of the story:
The title of your dissertation doesn't matter. All that matters is who your advisor is.
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