I believe that counselling is very important, especially to bring things to the surface. Because the woundings are very deep and the consequences of this crime can be devastating and often masked by other issues. I don't believe that a counsellor can bring the healing, but they are trained to identify behaviours that are destructive and identify behaviours that are a result of abuse. I believe that because the wounds are so deep, that only a loving God can ever touch that part of our lives that we have shut down. He is the only one who can restore us to a place of wholeness.
I looked for love, and for someone who could take it away from me, but I only chose men who would further abuse me. I chose the same sort of man because he was "familiar" to me. If I was in a crowded room of a thousand men, the one who would abuse me, would be the one who I would be attracted to. I believe abused victims do have a neon sign (spiritually) that attracts an abuser to them.
God is beginning to heal those secret places of shame in my life. Those men are still attracted to me but now I recognise it early, where as before I would recognise those highly emotional states as LOVE.
On the last day of the meetings, the visiting speaker, called forward all the people who had lost a baby at birth. I was praying for those people as they went forward. He kept calling. I remember thinking, "Is he ever going to give up or what? Then he said, "There is one more person who needs to come out". I started praying for that person. Then, as though a light went on, I realized that it could possibly be me, but I wasn't sure. I had buried it back so far, that I had no conscious record of my son dying. I halfheartidly went forward, saying "Just in case it's me, I'll do it". The preacher just said "Yes" and stopped calling for more people. I stood up the front and said to God, "Please don't let me fall backwards." Then I said "Don't worry God, do what you have to, I want to be whole."
The preacher walked up to me, never touched me and said "Be healed". I went down on the floor, then the most amazing thing happened to me. I was looking down at myself as a seventeen year old in the hospital theatre. Derek, my son, had just been born. I was alone, there were no Doctors or nurses. Then Jesus was standing there, he had baby Derek cradled in His arms, He looked at me with the kindest and most compassionate eyes and said "Kate, I'm taking Derek now, you wont be able to take care of him, I will look after him for you". I cried, and cried and cried, with a deep grief that I thought would take my life, there and then. With what seemed like an eternity, and I was all cried out, a peace I can't put into words, came over me. I was resting in that peace, when Jesus appeared before me again. He had a twinkle in His eyes. Beside him was standing a twenty seven year old man with thick set eyes and blond hair. I don't know how I knew he was twenty seven, I just knew. Then in a split second I recognised him, he looked like his father. Jesus spoke to me and said, "Here's Derek, I have taken care of him for you. He will be here when you come home. There doesn't exist a word that describes the joy that I felt. I was healed and Jesus brought closure to that grief in a moment.
I filled out a missing persons form at the Salvation Army and they searched for him with no joy. I longed to meet him and tell him that I had married men just like him. Men who loved me and walked away, never looking back. I gave up looking for him. No one could find him, maybe he was dead.
God started dealing with my heart and asked me if I was willing to forgive him...I worked through that and realised that he had his owm pain to work through and I released him from my judgement.
The following Sunday, after church. I was doing some photocopying, when God spoke to me, and told me to ring telecom and ask for all the surnames of my father in New South Wales. I thought at first I was just imagining it ,and I didn't want to try looking for him again because it only brought disappointment.
The operator gave me three numbers, there were only three in the whole of N.S.W., two lived in Queensland and one lived in central N.S.W.. I rang the Queensland numbers and no joy. I rang the other number which was a mobile phone, and a message came back saying that the number had been disconnected. I felt let down but my hope wasn't built up that much. So I let it go and went back to my photocopying. Then I started to feel hurt, because I felt that I couldn't win. I got upset with God and I went to bed and slept. As I woke up I felt a strong sense that I should ring telecom back, and find out what happened to that disconnected phone number. I was still halfhearted about it, I asked the operator if he would mind checking to see what happened to it. He said "Hey you are in luck, a new number was given out to this guy on Friday. I still didn't feel any excitement, but rang up the new number. An older man answered the phone. " Is this Mr .........." I asked .
"Yes it is" He replied. I questioned him again, "Are you a New Zealander?" "I am" his reply came. I was too scared to hope it was HIM. Pushing further I asked, "May I ask you how old you are?" "I'm seventy three, Who am I talking to " He asked. I felt nervous and excited at this point. "My name is Kate......., I just want to know if I am your daughter." "Yes you are, Princess he said. We both cried, and he begged me to come and see him. He was living in a war veterans home. I wanted to see him so much but I couldn't afford the long trip.
All these years I have longed to meet my father ....and I couldn't afford it. God's brought me this far, he will make a way for me to see him. I went to church that night and told the pastors wife, she came up after the sevice and gave me the money to go and see him.
The next morning, the boys and I left at 5.30am. My stomach was in knots when we arrived. My heart was in my mouth and my nerves were dancing over my body. I was about to meet a man who was my father and I hadn't seen for an eternity. My mouth was dry as I knocked on his door.
"Come in", he called. He stood up as we walked in.. My mother was right, I was like my father, I looked the spitting image of him. I remembered him as being tall but he was shorter than me. He looked more like fifty than his seventy three years. We hugged each other and we were both afraid to let go. We cried a lot and I sat at his feet and he stroked my hair, something that I had longed to experience all my life. I felt the same way about him as I did when I was a little girl. My sons told me later that I looked like a little girl. They cried too.
I was able to tell him, that I married men just like him. He cried, I didn't expect that, I didn't want to make him responsible for my choices in life. He said "Kate, please forgive me, for walking out on you." I said, "Dad, it felt really strange calling someone Dad, I totally forgive you." We both cried some more and held each other even tighter.
We told him that we were christians and asked him if we could pray together. My sons prayed for their grandfather too. They had never had a grandfather. he invited us to stay for dinner in the dining room. My sons played music for all the old people and my dad was as proud as punch. He missed out on so much joy with these boys.
A lot of healing took place in both our lives. I found out a lot about him, my mother, and myself. The empty hole was gone. I found, met , and loved him. I asked him if he would like to contact the rest of the family so that they can have healing in their lives as well. I gave him their phone numbers and he was able to put things right with each person, except my older brother.
Mum and Dad picked up their relationship, left behind thirty eight years ago. Neither of them had remarried. Mum booked a plane ticket for the 28th of September to come over and see my father. He had dreams of remarrying her, both hearts had a healing. I got my dad back, it was wonderful.
On the 26th of September, I got a phone call from my brother, to say that Dad was dying, that he wouldn't make it through the night. I rang up some christian friends of mine who lived near to him. They prayed with him, and two hours before he died, he repented and gave his heart to Jesus. God gave me back my dad for three months before he died, but I will spend eternity dancing and playing rugby union with him.
The most amazing thing about meeting my dad, is that we lived so close to each other for four and a half years. I moved to Cental N.S.W. six years ago, and he moved to the next town five and a half years ago. We were only an hour away from each other. His name was five listings under mine in the phone directory, the only phone book I didn't look in, who looks at their own phone number anyway. God intended for me to meet my father. I felt a terrible loss but also a peace, it was not as painful as when he first left. It was a gift that my Heavenly Father had given to me. It also brought another closure to my life.
God is restoring my life, and I am on the road He intended for me to take in the first place. Psalm 147 v 3 says "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds ( curing their pains and sorrows).
Being a christian, doesn't mean that bad things dont happen to us. But we are guaranteed a loving Father who will take us through all the pain and bring us into a place of wholeness. The fragmented bits of our lives start coming together.
" I said, "Father this is the most beautiful vase I have ever seen in my life." He said to me" "Oh my daughter, I created you as a perfect vase too, to be loved and cherished, the same way you feel about this vase now. It was not my purpose nor my plan for you to hurt this way".
Just then, a man from the waist down, walked past, and his elbow swiped the vase off the stand. As it fell to the floor it smashed into fragmented pieces. I cried and cried, as I saw that it was scattered on the floor. I saw people stop to pick up the pieces and they would get their fingers cut, I saw people innocently walk by, and get hurt as they stood on the broken pieces.
The Lord spoke to me and said" My, daughter , your life was like that in it's broken state,you had the potential to hurt people when they got close and tried to pick up the pieces, they were too sharp for them. Iam going to put you back together".
Just then I saw Him, lovingly pick up the pieces one at a time and he started to glue them back into position with a tube of yuhu glue. I said "Lord, you will need Super glue". He said"no, because , you have the potential to be broken again.
Finally, He had glued it all back together and He lovingly put it back on the wooden stand. I looked at it in disbelief, my heart was heavy as I looked at the powdered bits still on the floor, and the big gaps in the vase where they didn't quite fit back together. Glue was still dripping down the vase and to me it looked like the ugliest thing I had ever seen, but the Lord was happy and felt He did a good job. I cried at the ugliness. "Oh Kate, you are more beautiful to me now than you ever were, in your original state. I have healed you from the inside out, now I live inside, and out of those broken gaps will now flow my love, my light, and my healing power, out to other broken vases. Can't you see that you are of more value to me now than what you ever were before." I felt whole somehow.
"Love suffers long and is kind; Love does not envy, love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek it's own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things endures all things."
What this is saying: is that, although one makes the greatest personal sacrifice, there is no profit, unless the act springs from LOVE.
We have to be patient with other peoples failures, we do not bring attention to ourselves.
We don't get proud of our attainments or deeds.
The loving person does not behave in ways that are embarrassing others.
We do not seek our own selfish interests.
We are not provoked to anger by the insults of others.
We bear no grudge for the wrongs done to us.
The loving person does is not glad when sin prevails or when someone falls into sin.
He rejoices when God's truth brings forth it's proper fruit- holy hearts and lives.
The person filled with God's love puts up with all kinds of difficulties.
He does no assume others have bad motives, but always believes the best about them.
He always hopes that they will turn to God. He does not give up.
The more we are filled with Christ's love, the better we know Him
I know that because of the depth of the brokeness in my life , no man could ever fill the void that was within me.....only a Loving God, who sent His only son to heal my broken heart and heal the wounds....................this is THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL !
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