Before you can be assimilated into the infrastructure of the hereafter, certain information must be gathered about you. This information is used by the bureaucrats, activity directors, spiritual advisors, and other individuals here, in order to facilitate your transition into the afterlife, and to assist them in planning for your future here.

You will still have to spend some time checking in when you get here, so don't think that filling out this form will allow you to completely bypass the initial registration process. Filling this out now accomplishes a couple of things, however: It allows you to save a lot of time and grief when you get here, and it makes it a lot easier on the individuals here who are in charge of herding all of you like so much cattle. Having your application ahead of time allows them certain advantages for providing assignments and directions to you, since they will have more time to process your information. More time means less likelihood that they will make an error. The 30 minutes or so you spend filling out this form now will save you much more than the equivant amount of time in the hereafter.

Before you jump right into answering the questions on the next page, pay careful attention to the following instructions:

ENTERING YOUR PASSWORD:

The form will prompt you to enter a password. The password can be anything you choose; any combination of letters, numbers, even symbols, up to 15 characters in length. Commit this password to memory. When you arrive in the hereafter, you will be asked for your date of birth and your password so that you can be matched up with this form that you are filling out now.

YOUR DATE OF DEATH:

You will be asked to enter your anticipated date of death. You can get this information by using the Death Button on the Home Page or you can use whatever means you have at your disposal. Hell, you can even guess. Don't worry too much if you enter 2030 as your anticipated year of death and you get run over by a train tomorrow. This information is merely used by the data processors and statisticians here to organize your applications and coordinate them with your actual arrival. Obviously, the closer you are to entering the correct date, the more smoothly the paperwork will flow. Don't worry about the millennium bug when entering your year of death. If you enter 03, we know you mean 2003 and not 1903.

ANSWERING THE QUESTIONS:

Most of the questions are multiple choice and you will have to choose the answer that is the closest to being true for you. There are no right or wrong answers. Please answer honestly. You gain nothing by making yourself sound better than you really are. If you lie, the truth will catch up to you when you get here. Please answer all of the questions. The form will still accept your submission if you don't answer all of them, but there is no guarantee that the anal-retentive data processors here will accept it, and you may have to go through this whole process from the beginning again, once you arrive here if you don't do it correctly. Some of the answers require you to input some text. Do not hit ENTER after entering text into the little boxes. If you do, it will send the results before you're finished filling out the form. You can use the TAB key to jump from one field to the next.

IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND AT A LATER DATE:

If you decide you want to change your answers later, you can do so at any time by filling out the form again and using the same password. Unfortunately you will have to fill out the entire form again, so choose your answers carefully the first time. I've been told, however, that the results are much more accurate if you go with your first impression when answering the questions. Don't spend a lot of time mulling over the answers before submitting it. If it takes you over an hour to complete this thing, you're probably spending more time than you need to.

GETTING YOUR CONFIRMATION NUMBER:

You will have the option of providing your E-mail address. It is only required if you would like us to send you a confirmation number after your registration application has been processed. The confirmation number really doesn't do anything except make you feel more secure that your application has been accepted. If you arrive in the hereafter and supply us with your password, and they claim that they don't have your application and they try to send you to the back of the line, you can say, "But I have a confirmation number!" and they will have to look a little bit harder for your application. If they still can't find it, you can ask to speak to a supervisor. It's like checking into a hotel. Your E-mail address will not be used for any other purpose.

PLEASE DON'T ASK FOR YOUR "RESULTS"

You're not being graded on this and there is no way for me to find out ahead of time what awaits you in the hereafter based on your answers to these questions, so please don't write to me asking me how you scored on this application. The only feedback you will get will be a confirmation number (see above) if you supply your E-mail address.