Divorced Dads -= Letters from Moms =-

Divorced Dad's

I have received more letters from mothers than you would probably expect. You will only find a few of them here, the ones that wanted their stories to be shared. I have stated elsewhere that this is not, nor will it be, a place where women are talked of in a disrespectful way. Parenting involves two people. The majority of women that have written have voiced their sheer delight of learning that there are men out there that actually care about a family, and that work hard to be good fathers. Thanks You, ladies. I encourage your input.

There are a total of four letters on this page. The first two will be directly below, and the last two will be directly below those.

Hello Chuck,

After reading your story, and sympathizing with yours and your children's pain and yes, even the pain of your former wife, I am compelled to write and let you know that I hurt for all of you.

My kids Dad & I got a divorce when they were 8 & 10, some 19 years ago. Since then, my folks got a divorce after 38 years of marriage and until I experienced that for myself, I didn't realize how it must have affected my own children. I was devastated and it tore my heart out. Fortunately, my own divorce was civil. The 4 of us have become close friends over the years, which made it like an extended family for our children.

My folks divorce was a different story...lots of anger and hostility, but I won't go into details unless someone asks. But, it WAS & IS painful. But ya know, time has a way of healing the pain and the anger most of the time begins to fade. In fact, just this last year, after 10 years of not having any contact with one another, my parents have met on several occasions and are becoming friends once again. Praise God!

Over the years, I've come to realize that parents are people first. Marriage is sacred and sanctified by God Almighty. Divorce should never be an option when going into a marriage but it often is, sometimes even before the ceremony is performed. That's a real tragedy. Kids imitate their parents actions and often grow up thinking it's ok...

I pray that you and your children never lose the contact and have begun to build a relationship and a bond between you that NO ONE can ever destroy.....

Train a child in the way they should go and when they are old, they'll not depart from it.

God Bless you my friend and thanks again for sharing your heart...:D

My best to you

Dear Chuck,

I read with great sadness many of the comments posted on your website by divorced parents who are engaged in ongoing battles with their ex-spouses, while the children suffer.

My ex husband and I were unhappy for a number of years before deciding to part. At the time, our children were just 3 and 6 and I was terrified of the responsibility of being a single parent. But, it was abundantly clear to me that remaining in a marriage that had become empty was not in the best interests of any of us, including the children.

At the end, my former husband and I could barely speak to each other. My greatest concern was that our children continue to have two loving, involved parents. Toward that end, I sat down and wrote a very lengthy letter to my husband, which I gave to him when he left our home. I poured out my heart, apologized for wrongs I had done, forgave him for what I considered wrongs on his part, and pleaded with him that we both set aside our anger and casting of blame, focusing on our love for our children and their needs. Twenty pages or so later, I wished him the very best and told him that I would never say a disparaging word about
him to our children and that he would always be welcome in their lives.

This sincere letter seemed to be a turning point for us. We do not have a formal "visitation agreement", as he is always free to visit the girls, take them on outings, etc. In eight years, we have never had the slightest disagreement with regard to visitation nor much of anything else. He is invited to all of their school and extracurricular activities and is kept apprised of everything that goes on in their lives. Despite the fact that he lives elsewhere, he is and will always be their father, and I do everything within my power to encourage close relationships between him and his children. When he began a relationship with a woman, she was invited to our home, as well, and has been welcome to attend the children's activities. To my ex husband's credit, he has been extremely generous and reliable with child support, which ensures that the children haven't been forced to suffer because we
are no longer together.

How I wish that all divorcing parents would focus not on their anger or disappointment in relationships gone awry, but on the well-being of their children. It can be done and is best for everyone involved.

Kudos to you for a much-needed and well-done website!

Trish

Hello Chuck,

After reading the Ode to Dad poem I decided that my guestbook entry just wasn't enough!
So here is a little something for you to read and share if you desire! (warning, it may be a bit lengthy but it is the FULL story, not some short, candy coated version!)

Part One:
I'm living on both sides of the track. I have three children, two of which live with me and one that lives with her father... Yes, I am a female, a twice divorced woman.... but before you make judgement please allow me to speak. I lost custody of my first child to a lying, cheating, manipulative man who had MONEY. I did not have much at all at the time. I worked for room and board at a restaurant, but I could provide for my child, she would have her own room and everything. Her father took her from me in a very horrible way, but I will not go into that right now. I lost custody of her on September 8th, 1991 due to his and his mother's denials of truth and their MONEY. And I was ordered to pay support on her every month, which I did so for many, many years. I have only seen her twice since then, once the first weekend after the final hearing, and once after Christmas in 1992 with the help of his mother who was on her death bed trying to set things straight. She is now 10 and I have not seen her for over 5 years now. It makes it hard for me everyday! He will not allow me to see her, yet I do have visitation rights, unfortunately I do not have the money to fight him in court. My daughter no longer knows who I am, and that hurts. Her father refuses to send me pictures or let me talk to her on the phone or even give her the letters that I have written. My only hope is that when she is an adult she will come to me and somehow know the truth in the end! ( I have receipts on all letters and packages sent ) That is part one of the story.

Now for part two:
I remarried after all that was over and later gave birth to a beautiful little girl who is now 6. Later her father and I separated and divorced because of his indiscretions and irresponsibility. Well, he followed that pattern and has never held a job long enough to get his child support paid. In four years (48 months) I have received a total of maybe 7 months of support, and that wasn't consecutive either. He has once again disappeared! No phone number, no address, no employer to be found. (he has remarried and has a new son now) I have never denied him the right to see his child, in fact she spent several summer visitation periods with him even though he hadn't been paying his support. He unfortunately has not seen her now since summer of 1996 and hasn't called, sent a letter or even Christmas or birthday cards/gifts. This upsets her dearly!

Part three:
After that I made the mistake of digging an even deeper whole, and somehow managed to get pregnant again, definitely not planned and definitely tried to avoid! I later gave birth to a bouncing baby boy ho hasn't stopped bouncing yet. His father and I never married though, for reasons of protecting my children I threw him out when I came home from my late night job to sheetrock in the crib because the baby was crying and he got mad and broke the crib and put a huge whole in the wall above it. Now this man, he didn't run too far, he stayed in the same town and for the first two months paid support. But then decided that his new girlfriend needed more financial attention than his son. And has since to have anything to do with him at all. He has requested for me to have relinquishment papers drawn up for him to sign and as far as he is concerned says, "I (he) doesn't have a son anymore!" He makes $2000 minimum bring home a month and has no children in his home and is married to a woman who has no kids and brings home around $1600 a month. All I ever asked for was $200 a month at most and would except anything he was willing to pay. Again, I never did deny him the right to see his child, in fact I went out of my way to include him, even took my son to see him several times, no strings attached. But now he won't even open the door.

Part Four:
Now I am remarried again, (fixed though, no more kids!) to a wonderful man who has morals and values and treats all people with the respect they deserve. ( I tend to believe he is my soul-mate, it was fate that brought us together that is for sure!) My husband has a daughter that he has to pay $402 a month in support for. He has had a difficult time doing this due to the low paying jobs out here in the land of the wild tumbleweeds and the fact that he is trying to support the family he has now. He loses almost 50% of his take home every month for his child support for his daughter. We are now currently fighting to get the mother (his ex) to follow court orders and let him have his court ordered visitation. The mother of this child never even has her. She constantly dumps this child off for weeks at a time at friends and relatives homes. Right now the child has been at my husbands sisters house for over two weeks, plus she spent all of Christmas vacation and all of Thanksgiving vacation with her as well. (also almost every weekend in-between that). Up until this past week we have had to sneak to see the child because the mother does not approve. She has some sort of resentment towards my husband for something that happened between them almost 8 years ago and she refuses to give up her attitude for the sake of the child. That little girl broke my heart the other day when she told me she really wishes her mom and dad could get along so that she could come back to see us again. ( this child has already learned to keep "secret" her drop in visits with my sister-in-law from her mother, because he she tells her mom she will never get to see that part of her family again, and because then she has to hear her mother tell her things about her dad that happened 8 years ago) She is a really mature little girl, but she is really hurt by all of this. Due to our support payments, we can't support the family we have. My husband is on probation now because of that woman and those payments, because he made the wrong choice for a while and decided to feed the family that lived in his home instead of pay support.... Now we live on mac-n-cheese and Raman noodles so the ex's get their support and to keep him from ending up in jail.

The Finale:
Now, with all of that in mind, do you see where I live on both sides of the track? We pay out support for the children we don't have custody over, yet receive $0 from the fathers of the two kids we have. In the process we live in a dead end town, with a beat up junker car, renting an old trailer from a landlord that doesn't care if the roof falls in or not. We can't afford to buy the kids new socks much less be able to buy them lunch at McDonald's. Our only luxury is this old PC that I got from an ex of mine! ( Only darn thing I got too... and he tried to destroy that.) and our online service which has been a life saver for me many a day. I read a post in a guestbook from a guy who was asking for suggestions on how to start over when he loses 52% of his paycheck to his ex and is trying to make it on a $6.00 job. Well I have no great, grand advice for him, but I will say this much.... He sure isn't alone in this battle!!! My husband is a proud man, who works hard every day trying to make ends meet. I myself would love to work full time but can't find affordable daycare with transportation for the kids to get to school. I could work 40 hours a week and all that would do is pay taxes, gas and daycare. And you know what really bites, the "system" (state and federal) don't care anymore. They see numbers, not reality!!!

Well, that is my story, I hope I have not bored you with it. Feel free to share it with everyone! It may not have any great advice in it, but at least this way, everyone can see that we are not alone. I am currently working on putting in a new section on my web page that deals with some of the same issues as well as some unspoken battles.
Hopefully I will have it up in a week or so. You can visit my site as
it is now and find some interesting artwork, poetry and a Tribute page to Vietnam Vets as well. My URL: /SoHo/Cafe/3194/

Sincerely,
Living on both sides of the track!

Hi Chuck,

I must begin by letting you know it is you who has inspired me to share my story with you, and in doing so I suppose I am sort of helping myself too. However a lengthy story it may be I will leave it up to you to decided whether or not to share with others on your page.

I guess I really have two stories of which to tell you one of that of being a child of divorced parents and then that of my divorce itself. Both of which has made me the person I am today. I have to admit it is sort of scary to think back on it now.

I am the youngest of four children in my family. At the time of my parents divorce I was only 6 or 7, I am not really sure which. But I realized that something wasn't normal when my father moved to Texas when I was five only to visit on holidays and to take us all for a small vacation every summer. I realized our family was different then most of
the families of my friends, though I never understood why.

I remember the day as if it where yesterday, I was in school and my father came and my sister who was only in 4th grade where told to go to the school counselors office. There we saw our father slumped in a chair and looking as if he were crying. He told us to sit with him and he told us that mom and him got a divorce. Now I am not sure if I really knew what a divorce was and I wasn't sure if I really liked it. I did know that my father wasn't happy and that he was leaving and I wouldn't be seeing him whenever I wanted. I tried very hard not to cry I wanted to prove to him I could be strong and he had asked me not to.

For a while we were allowed to see him every other weekend and we tried very hard to make the most of it. And then one day he was gone no reason why no letter no cards no phone calls. I guess I sort of forgot about him. I think. I don't really remember.

All the while my mother would say nasty things about my dad. How he didn't care and how he just up and abandoned us to fend for ourselves. It was his fault we never had money and lived off the state. To her he was no good. I guess after a while I started to believe her. After all
I never received anything.... except once out of the blue I got a pair of roller skates from him in the mail for my birthday. They were yellow and the kind you had to wear a shoe in. I was there when the postman delivered the package... what was she to do but let me have it. I realized then that I didn't have a dad and he was somewhere but I wasn't sure if he loved me or not.

My mother remarried and we were to move out of state. It was my last day of school.... I was about ten or eleven then. I remember stepping off the school bus and there stood my dad... I was scared after all the horrid things my mother had told us. I screamed and ran back on the bus. Which returned me to the school and later the principal drove me
home. I never knew why my father was there or what it was he wanted until I was about 17.

I lived with a family who took me in and tried to love me the best they knew how. I found out through the military ( my dad being a retired army sergeant). I only had the address. I wrote to the address I snuck off one of the computers, but all the letters came back. My friend told me I could try calling him. We called information of the state he lived
in and got his phone number. I was so scared and nervous but I made the call. I wanted to know my dad for who he was and not what my mother made him to be for all those years. I wanted to know the truth!

I can still recall the conversation. This man with a very strong accent answered the phone and I kept asking to speak with my dad (I used his name). Finally he said "This is he! What do you want?" I was speechless I didn't know what to say and just started crying. All I could say was "dad? is that really you?" He realized it was one of his
daughters then and we cried and talked together for hours.
We had a lot of catching up to do. Three weeks later I was on a plane for a visit.

That was nine years ago. I love my dad and have a very close relationship with him. I found out that he had been searching for us for over ten years. My mother would not allow him to see us. Every time he got close to finding us we moved. I resent my mother for that, for taking a part of me away and crushing my little spirit. I hate to say my relationship with her has never been good since then and I don't think it ever will be. However I still love her she raised me, fed me, clothed me and did the best she could. Whatever her reason for doing this I never found out.... I don't think I want to... it might destroy the little bit of relationship I have with her and I don't think I could
live without my mom. I am just happy I have my dad back.

Now I wasn't too much older than that when I first married. Only 19 and sure I was in love and this fellow loved me. He was in the Coast Guard and just home from boot camp when we started dating. Six months later we eloped. I stayed with my brother for a month after we married
because he was in some school and I couldn't be with him. At least that is the story I got from him. He got stationed in Boston after that and sent for me. We were doing really well for about one month.

He started getting really controlling and abusive. But growing up around that sort of thing I figured it was normal. Then he started not coming home at all and when he was home and I would come home from work
I found the door locked and chained to where I couldn't get in. He was always on the phone. He took away my mail key so I couldn't get mail. Then one day as I was getting ready to do laundry (this was after he was gone all night and showed up the next morning before going off to work)
I found a movie stub with a number written in lipliner. My heart sunk. I didn't want to believe what I knew was happening.... after all he said he loved me and he married ME.

I later called his work and asked about the number he made up some excuse which he expected me to believe, I didn't. I called the number and a girl answered I asked her if she went out with a guy and gave her the description of my husband. She said yes and I told her to please leave my husband alone. She didn't even know he was married. Things went down hill fast after that.

Three weeks later I found out I was pregnant. He happened to call from a bar and I told him... he hung up on me. Later calling back. He came home and told me it was a mistake and that we needed to separate for a while and try to work things out. I believed him. I wanted to believe him after all I was carrying his child. I was on a plane headed for home two days later.

We talked on the phone almost everyday. He made a lot of empty promises. I still loved him.... I cried myself to sleep every night. I had the baby ... a beautiful boy. He promised to be there. He never showed up. I cried some more. Finally he said it isn't going to work let's get a disillusionment. I filled out the paper work mailed it to
him he never sent them back.... I still wanted to believe that he loved me and that it would all work out. Our son was growing fast and yet he never saw his dad. I wasn't sure how I was going to deal with it.

I later tried to seek work closer to where his father lived again hoping to work things out and maybe make it easier for him to visit his son. He wanted me to stick him on an airplane at 6 months of age without me with him. I told him I couldn't do that that he didn't even know him and it would devastate him. I wanted to gradually let him get to know
his father and not just shove him on a plane and say bye. He was a baby. I got a lot of threats then that he was going to kid nap him and take him away from me.

I finally moved back home and filed for divorce. My son was one then. I had a steady boyfriend who my son called daddy... after all he never knew his real father. Again papers where sent and there was no answer.
It was a divorce by default.

My son is now 5 his father never has seen him and only once in a while do I receive support. I really don't care to get it or not but am sure to let my son enjoy it when it does come. I am still scared that one day his dad will come and kidnap him. I know it would be out of pure spite instead of love for his son. I live sort of in hiding because of that. His family living in the one of the towns close by.

I won't deny my son his real father... I don't talk bad about his father to him. In fact I told him just last year that he had another dad different from his sisters. I think he understood me. I told him if he ever wanted to know something about his real father to just ask me. One day he asked me what he looked like. Knowing that I had no pictures of his father I took him to my sister. She was the only one who still had
one picture the two of us together. I gave it to him and said here this is your real father... He looked at it and threw it to the floor and said..."can we go now". I don't really know why he did that I never asked him.

I hope that when he gets older he will want to know his father and have a relationship with him. I don't want him to feel as I did growing up. I really feel that for now he must not see him. I want him to be old enough to make his own decisions and old enough to know he can choose who he wants to live with.

I don't know where his father is. I have wanted to call him several times and ask him why he doesn't want to see his son. Why he doesn't care. But I can never find him. I do know that if my son would ask me to find him I would do anything in my power to make that happen. He has a right to his father but for now he shows no interest in him.