Welcome to the Corporate World

.... Here's a little clarification of Corporate Lingo.

(Courtesy of You Guys and Gals, known and anonymous.  Further contributions welcomed. Credits will be posted on your specific request)

When They Say.....

What Is Meant

COMPETITIVE SALARY

• We are not trying to pay more than our competitors or 
• We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY

We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC,  FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE

.....who still  live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries. 

JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM

• We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
• Hold on to your seat belts, we can't make up our minds for very long on anything

A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT

• We booze it up at company parties or
• Don't get sick else you are not welcome

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED

You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED

Some time each night and some time each weekend. 

DUTIES WILL VARY

• Anyone in the office can boss you around
• We pay you one salary to do many different jobs

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL

We have no quality control

COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED

Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion

CAREER-MINDED

Female Applicants must must be childless (and remain that way). 

APPLY IN PERSON

• If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled. 
• Photos don't tell the truth

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE

We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE

You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST....

You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS

You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS

Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do. 

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION

I've used Microsoft Office. 

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE

 I pilfer office supplies. 

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES....

I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK

I blame others for my mistakes

I'M PERSONABLE:

I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers. 

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL 

I carry a Day-Timer. 

I AM ADAPTABLE

I've changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO

I'm never at my desk.

I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED

The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON

Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for the form letter "thanking you for your interest and wishing you luck in your future career"

KAKITANGAN SAHAJA

Only feet and hands required to perform work - other things are optional

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE

We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress 
up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

New additions .....courtesy of Mario O'Daniel. 

 Visit her at http://www.lepak.com