Ikariku's Funny Library

!!!!! Notice !!!!!!

All the jokes i posted on the homepage is composed by someone else, not me..
I have no copyrights on those jokes.....
If u r the composer.... then sorry....
If u r just a reader... then enjoy....






  • 191. The Queen and Di
    The Queen and Di are out for a drive in one of the Queen's Range Rovers. Suddenly some armed robbers leap out of the bushes and stop the car.


    "Give us the money", they shout at the Queen.
    "But I'm the Queen of England, I have no need for money."
    "Oh, sh*t", says the leader of the armed band, and turns to Di.
    "Give us yer jewels."
    "But I don't wear my jewels all the time, only on state occasions."


    The armed robbers looked fed up, when suddenly they heard the sound of wailing sirens approaching.
    "Quick, out of the car. We"ll have the Range Rover at least", and with that the robbers drove off.


    As the Queen and Di are waiting for the police to get there, Di turns to the Queen.
    "What did you do to all the cash you had? You're always loaded."
    "Ah," says the Queen, "I saw the robbers and in the few seconds before they got to the car I rolled up my notes and tucked them into that little place that women have. Reaching into her skirt, she produces several thousand pounds in notes.


    "And what did you do with your jewels? You always wear lots of jewellery, my dear." The Queen says to Di.
    "Well, like you, in those few seconds before the robbers got to the car, I slipped off my rings, necklaces and tiara, and like you, slipped them into that little place that only women have." Reaching down she plucks out her jewellery.


    They both sit quietly for a few minutes, before the Queen turns to Di..."You know, if Fergie had been with us, we could still have that Range Rover."


    192. FUNNY BUMPER STICKERS
    * Horn broken. Watch for finger.
    * Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
    * All generalizations are false.
    * Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
    * I brake for no apparent reason.
    * Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
    * I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
    * Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
    * We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
    * He who laughs last thinks slowest.
    * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
    * It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
    * Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
    * Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
    * Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
    * I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
    * Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
    * Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
    * Born free...Taxed to death.
    * The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
    * Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
    * Rehab is for quitters.
    * I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
    * Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
    * All men are idiots, and I married their King.
    * Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
    * Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
    * Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
    * I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
    * Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
    * If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
    * When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS..
    * Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
    * No radio - Already stolen.
    * Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
    * Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
    * I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
    * Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
    * OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
    * Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
    * I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
    * Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
    * Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
    * IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
    * Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
    * It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
    * According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
    * Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
    * Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
    * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
    * Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
    * How can I miss you if you won't go away?
    * Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
    * Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
    * We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
    * Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
    * Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
    * Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
    * Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
    * Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
    * Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
    * i souport publik edekashun.
    * Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
    * Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
    * There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
    * Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
    * Ever stop to think and forget to start again?


    193. 10 Rules of Indian film-making
    *************************


    1) Two brothers separated in childhood will always grow up on different sides of the law. The law-breaker, however, will suddenly turn over a new leaf before the end, bash up the villain(who is the *real* bad guy), and be pardoned for all his sins before the last-scene family reunion. (This is possible only if he has a heroine - (see rule 2 below).


    2) If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess heroes/heroines will a) die b) join the Red Cross and take off to to Switzerland before the end of the movie.


    3) If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savegely for at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers).


    4) Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord". If it is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be overruled. Else, it will be sustained.


    5) The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend (i.e. the second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain within the first 30 minutes, and then commit suicide.


    6) In a chase, the hero will always overtake the villain, even on a bullock-cart, or on foot.


    7) When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never a) miss b) run out of bullets. When the villain fires at the hero, he will always miss (unless the hero is required to die, as in rule 2).


    8) Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a stack of a) pots b) barrels c) glass bottles, which will be smashed to pieces.


    9) Any movie involving lost+found brothers will have a song sung by a) the brothers b) their blind mother (but of course, she has to be blind in order to regain her sight in the climax) c) the family dog/cat.


    10) Police inspectors (when not played by the hero) come in two categories: a) Scrupulously honest, probably the hero's father - killed by the villain before the titles. b) Honest, but always chasing the anti-hero (as in Rule 1),saying"Tum kanoon se bach nahin sakte", only to pat him in the back in reel 23. Usually, this inspector's daughter is in love with the anti-hero. c) The corrupt inspector, (usually the real villain's sidekick) unceremoniously knocked about by the hero(s) in the climax.


    194. guy's ass
    There was this guy who was bothered by a worm in his ass (don't ask how it got there). He had seen many doctors and no one could kill it or take it out. As days passed he couldn't walk properly, sleep peacefully, s#!t, etc. Finally he found out about a doctor who was supposed to be good. So he went to this doctor and told him his problem. The doctor said "well, this is not a simple problem. But I can cure it, and it will be a 30-days treatment." The man was willing to take any pain for another 30 days and agreed. The doc asked him to bring a banana and a cherry every time he comes for the clinic and said that he shouldn't ask any questions about the treatment. The man agreed. The next day he showed up with a banana and a cherry. The doctor asked him to remove his pants, while he put on his gloves. When the guy has undressed, he took the banana and inserted it up his ass. After about 3 minutes he inserted the cherry. Then the doc said 'thats it for today. See you tommorrow. Don't forget the banana and cherry.' The man was confused as hell. Anyway he didn't ask anything.


    Then the 2nd day, 3rd day....yeah, you guessed it right, every day the doc inserted the banana and waited for 3 minutes or so and then inserted the cherry and asked the guy to come next day with the fruits. Now the 29th day came and the doctor did the same banana, cherry treatment. The poor guy couldn't resist this time. He said "hey doc, what the hell you think you are doing...I ain't getting better. That damn worm is still giving me lots of trouble, and you...". "C'mon" said the doc, "I said not to question me...just one more day of treatment....Trust me.... and by the way tomorrow just bring a banana. We don't need the cherry anymore."


    More confused, the guy left.


    Next day our friend showed up with a banana. As usual the doc pushed the banana up his ass and waited. After about 5 minutes a worm poked its head out of this guy's a-hole and said, "What, No Cherry today?!!". "psssskkkkk...." the doc pulled the worm out of the guy's ass and said "there you go!".


    195. You're not plugged in!!!
    A businessman decided to take the afternoon off and got home about 3 o'clock in the afternoon.The house was quiet, and he went upstairs and opened the bedroom door. His wife was in bed, and there was a strange man lying on top of her with his head between her breasts.


    What the hell are you doing?' he shouted.
    The man looked up and said, `I'm listening to the music.'
    `What Music ?' said the husband, and he leaned over and put his ear to his wife's chest. `I can't hear any music,' he said suspiciously.
    `Of course you can't,' said the stranger. `You're not plugged in.'


    196. THE DENTIST
    A man picks up a girl at a party. They proceed to her place and things start to heat up.... He takes his shirt off and then washes his hands. He takes his pants off and washes hands again.
    After watching this for a few minutes, the girl says, "I bet you're a dentist."
    Surprised he replies, "That's correct. How did you know?"
    "You keep washing your hands, so I figure you're used to it..." They go on and have sex and then afterward she says, "You know what? I'm willing to bet you're a very good dentist."
    "Oh? How can you tell?" he asks.
    "Well, I didn't feel a thing..."


    198. Eskimos worship
    A man dies, and finds himself in heaven. St. Peter offers to give him the tour. They walk around a little, and the man sees Samoans worshiping God in a Samoan way, and Zoroastrians worshiping in a Zoroastrian way, and Eskimos worshiping in an Eskimo way, and so on...on and on, till at one point they come to an enormous fortress made of stone, completely sealed off, with no windows or doors. Dimly, from within, they can hear the sound of wild partying.


    "Shhh," says St. Peter. "Be very quiet."


    The two tiptoe past the fortress in utter silence, and when they have left it a way behind, the man turns to St. Peter and says, "Why did we have to be so quiet back there? What's in the fortress?"
    St. Peter answers, "Oh, those are the Catholics. They don't know anyone else is here."


    199. Father's funeral
    Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."


    Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.


    Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.


    "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."


    200. CLEAN UP TO AISLE 3 PLEASE!!
    A sixty year old man walks into a big drug store and walks up to the girl at checkout 3. He asks her, "Do you have any condoms here?" She says, "Sure, what size are you?" "I don't know," he replies. "Well, let me just check," The cashier says as she unzips his pants and takes a feel. She then says over the intercom, "EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3 PLEASE." They bring them over and the old man pays and leaves.


    Then a thirty year old man walks into the Store and goes up to checkout 3 and asks, "Do you sell condoms here?" She replies, "Sure, but what size do you need?" He says "Well, I don't know." She says, "Just let me check here," as she unzips his pants and takes a couple of tugs and says over the intercom, "LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3 PLEASE." they are brought over, the man pays and leaves.


    Later that day a sixteen year old guy comes into the store and goes up to the girl at checkout 3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you sell any condoms here?" "Yep" the girl replies, "But what size do you need?" "I don't know," he says. She unzips his pants for a feel and then says over the intercom," CLEAN UP TO AISLE 3 PLEASE."




    Previous,Next