Ikariku's Funny Library
!!!!! Notice !!!!!!
All the jokes i posted on the homepage is composed by someone else, not me..
I have no copyrights on those jokes.....
If u r the composer.... then sorry....
If u r just a reader... then enjoy....
201. Letter
Dear Mom and Dad,
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been
remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will
bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. \
Well, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when
it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I
only spent two weeks in the hospital and I now can see almost normally
and I only get those sick headaches once a week.
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an
attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who
called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at
the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt- out
dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him.
It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine
boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married.
We haven't exactly set the date yet, but it will be before my
pregnancy begins to show.
Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how you are looking forward to
being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it
the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me as a child. The
reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some
minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood
tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up
with the penicillin injections I am taking daily.
I know you will welcome him into the family with open arms. He is
kind, and although not well educated, has ambitions. Although he is of
a different race and religion than ours, I know oft-expressed
tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin
colour is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I
do. His family background is good, too, for I hear that his father is
an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there
was no dormitory fire. I do not have a concussion or a skull fracture,
I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engage, I do
not have syphilis and there is no colored man in my life. However, I
am getting a "D" in history and a "F" in science class and I wanted
you to see these marks in their proper perspective.
202. Advertisement on New York Times
The following is an ad from New York Times which appeared four days in a row -
the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.
MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707
after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should
have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs.
Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."
WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several
annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad
yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale R.D. Jones has one
sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs.
Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D.. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it.
Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been
carrying on with Mrs. Kelly.Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!
203. Parrots
This woman walked into a pet store one day & asked the clerk if he had any
Parrots...
"Yes" he replied, then leading her to the parrots he said "I have this one here
- he's an adolescent & he has NO vocabulary yet... his price is $300.00 I also
have this young adult here (pointing at next parrot) he's a young adult, with
quite an extensive >vocabulary... his price is $25.00..."
The woman asks the clerk "That's quite a price difference... why?" The clerk
replies "Well maam, this young adult used to be a mascot in a brothel before it
was busted, & most of his language is pretty crude, so most people don't want
him because he might offend someone"
The woman says "the reason I ask is I'm buying a present for my husband for his
birthday - & he's *always* wanted a talking parrot. I don't have a problem with
crude language, & I'd rather spend $25.00 than $300.00, so I'll take the $25.00
parrot."
The clerk takes the parrot & cage to the checkout counter & rings it up, after
the woman pays him & starts to leave he tells her "By the way, if you want the
parrot to be quiet, because of guests or whatever, just put a cover over the
cage & the parrot will go to sleep..." "Thanks" says the woman & she leaves...
when she arrives home she places the birdcage on an end table, then she calls
her bridge-buddies up & invites them over for a few games of bridge. Then,
remembering what the clerk said, she places a cover over the cage.
A few hours later, she & her buddies are there playing bridge, smoking,
drinking, cracking a few jokes, etc. When her husband George comes home from
work. As soon as he walks in she says "Hi honey! Happy Birthday!" and she
points to the covered birdcage... "OH-BOY!" says George, & he walks over to the
cage & pulls the >cover off...
The Parrot wakes up, pulls it's head out from under it's wing, looks around,
then whistles & says "New House..." then eyeballing the card players it says
"New Girls..." then it looks at him and says "Same `ole George... Hello George!"
204. Competition
Once there was a competition. The idea of the competition was to see who was the
best using longbow (and arrows). Target was an apple on top of a little boy's
head.
First man steps forward, aims and shoots directly into the apple. "I'm William
Tell."
Second man steps forward, aims and shoots directly into William's arrow. "I'm
Robin Hood."
Then the third man steps forward, aims and shoots directly into the boy's left
eye. "I'm sorry!"
205. Tell Lie
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four
children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic; but the
fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really
is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if--"
The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I
swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he
didn't ask about the other three."
206. That's Strange!
A lawyer named Strange died, and his family asked the tombstone maker to
inscribe on his tombstone," Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for
passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe,
"Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." .
That way,whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be
certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
207. Haircuts - The difference between men and women
Women's version:
================
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror.
I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut
like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck
with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you
could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I
think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it
would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything
to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder
line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to
have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I
mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had
your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Men's version:
=============
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.
208. 限女性、年齡不拘
余年幼嘗見鄰人茍合，性事啟蒙之始，少時獲之淫書影帶，必挑燈夜看，如此好學不倦，及長接觸異性，
身体力行，培養實戰經驗，喜讀金瓶梅、肉蒲團、花花公子、閣樓雜誌；欽服西門慶、未央生。今二十有
八，通曉房中術，專研性技巧，以此伏事女人，無不寵愛。畢生之志，將東西方性學的菁華及吾所獨創的
見解融會貫通，理論與實際合而為一。
限女性、年齡不拘 ，只要妳是
１懷春少女欲嘗禁果者
２性欲強烈難忍急欲發洩者
３對性有狂熱偏好者
４性生活不能充分滿足者
５渴望婚姻外遇激情者
６丈夫或男友不忠實受委曲圖報復者
７寡婦及離婚婦女再享魚水之歡者
８吃飽飯沒事幹，等做愛者
孤燈不明思欲絕，卷惟望月空長嘆！
滿腔春意關不住，教我不想它也難！
妳不必受慾望的煎熬，道德的批判，恣意縱情於感性的天空長槍久戰莫驕人，另有三昧更銷魂
奇妙的舌頭讓妳嚐嚐前所未有的快感！
靈巧的手指讓妳體驗觸電般的酥麻！
深入的玉莖讓妳登上欲仙欲死的高潮！
請放下妳的身段，拋開一切束縛，選擇我做妳的密祕情人
＃純服務交流性質，不涉及金錢感情，絕對保密！
有意的GIRL,請留 E-MAIL ADDRESS 於板上.
我會與妳聯絡.. ^_^
209. 被騙了三十年
有一個小修女到新的教堂服務, 過了幾天之後, 幾個修女在一起
聊天, 小修女道: "那個老神父好奇怪哦 他跟我說他'那話兒'是
通往天堂的鑰匙, 每天晚上都要我握住那裡, 是真的嗎? "
這時, 突然聽到一個老修女大叫一聲: "啊! 我被騙了, 那老傢伙
騙我說是通往天堂的號角, 害我白白吹了三十年!"
210. A 面, B面
有一天阿呆與阿瓜突然間肚子好痛...然後一起衝向廁所,
當他們揮汗的辦完事後,阿呆找遍身上所有的口袋,終於給他發現
一張皺巴巴的『超級寶貴-衛生紙』,但可憐的阿瓜卻連張衛生紙
都沒有,這時後.....向來見義勇為的阿呆很大聲的告訴阿瓜:「
沒關系啦!我用 A 面,你用 B 面」。
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