Ikariku's Funny Library
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All the jokes i posted on the homepage is composed by someone else, not me..
I have no copyrights on those jokes.....
If u r the composer.... then sorry....
If u r just a reader... then enjoy....
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186. Five things that women should never ask
There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according
to an article in an issue of Sassy magazine. Sassy, indeed!
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not
answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've
been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a
lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the
guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five
things:
a - Football
b - Baseball
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question
came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his
wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead
of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong
answers:
2 - "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel
the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear."
Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to
confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then
quickly leave the room.
Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance
policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question
could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that
you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just
saw.
In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance
policy.
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise,
life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself
under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my
way."
This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by
the following stupid joke: "Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if
I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why
do you ask such a question?" "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being
married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said. "Then why
wouldn't you remarry?" "All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the
husband. "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a
long pause. "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband. "I
see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old
clothes?" "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband. "Really," said
the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace
them with pictures of her?" Yes. I think that would be the correct
thing to do." "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I
suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too." "Of course not,
dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed." <--- #OH WOWEEEEEEEE!
187. Laywers's Joke
One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across an odd-looking
bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his
surprise, a Genie actually appeared. "For releasing me from the bottle, I
will grant you three wishes," said the Genie.
The man was ecstatic. "But there's a catch," the Genie continued.
"What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously.
The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will
receive DOUBLE what you asked for."
"Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.
"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"
POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now, every lawyer in the
world has been given TWO Ferraris," said the Genie.
"What is your next wish?"
"I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and POOF!
One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now, every lawyer in the world
is TWO million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man.
"And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie.
The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've
always wanted to donate a kidney...."
188. FOR THOSE WHO NEED A CHUCKLE
1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and
stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live
with.
4. If "clothes maketh the man" then naked people have little or no
influence on society.
5. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving to where you
can't find them.
6. The law of Probability Dispersal decrees that whatever it is that
hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
7. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
8. The facts, although interesting, are usually irrelevant.
9. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
10. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
11. If you can smile when things go wrong then you have someone in mind
to blame.
12. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
13. Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty but only the pig
enjoys it.
14. The trouble with life is that you are halfway through it before you
realize it's a "do it yourself" thing.
15. People who eat natural foods die from natural causes.
16. Some day my ship will come in, but with my luck, I'll be at the
airport.
17. Age is a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind then it really
doesn't matter.
18. A friend in need may turn out to be a nuisance.
19. When the cat's away there are fewer hairs on the armchair.
20. If you can't be kind, be vague.
189. For all you married blokes
How do you know if you're in love, in lust, or really married?
LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't
care.
LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - All the other times.
MARRIAGE - What's intercourse?
LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you think twice about giving your partner bus money.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.
LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?
LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.
LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST- When you only ever see each other in the bedroom.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.
LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.
LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.
LOVE - When you're interested in everything your partner does.
LUST - When you're only interested in one thing.
MARRIAGE - When you're interested in is your golf score.
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