Ikariku's Funny Library
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All the jokes i posted on the homepage is composed by someone else, not me..
I have no copyrights on those jokes.....
If u r the composer.... then sorry....
If u r just a reader... then enjoy....
171.Things To Do When You Have a Presentation Due The Next Day And Haven't Start
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1. Bribe the group who (actually) did their presentation to take up the who
period.
2. Say a race of alien camels invaded your home from outer space and
pulverized all your transparencies with a super-duper ray gun and burned
your notes with their rear-left hoof.
3. Bring a faulty diskette and claim to have done a beautiful computer
presentation, but unfortunately the diskette didn't cooperate.
Exclaim, "Oh, dearie me! Our disk is spoilt!". Drama advised.
4. Kill the teacher.
5. Hire assasins to kill the teacher.
6. Hire assasins to kill yourselves.
7. Ask for an extension.
8. Scream and beg for mercy.
9. Fall down on your knees and beg for an extension.
10. Fall on your face and ask for an extension.
11. Say you're from Heaven's Gate and blame it on the alignment of the plane
and the cosmic cow. Add Comet Hale-Bopp and the fourth rock from the sun
for maximum effect.
12. Lick the teacher's boots.
13. Lick the teacher's stamps.
14. Get a person to fake MC and be absent.
15. Get a person to fake MC and be present.
16. Ask lot of dumb questions (like the class coconut) and take up all the
class time.
17. Put sleeping pills in the teacher's glass of water.
18. Bribe the teacher.
19. Bribe the sleeping pills.
20. Spoil the OHP.
21. Spoil the teacher.
22. Bring a blank transparency. Say the rain washed the ink off.
23. Use paper. Say you didn't know the OHP didn't work on paper.
24. Write in archaic formal Somali.
25. Say you ran out of transparency markers and the only ones they had left
in the shop were the transparent ones.
172. Excite stuff
Once upon a time,
there was a couple of old ladies sitting on the balcony
enjoying the cool breeze and chatting.
One of them said, "It's so boring here.
Let's do something more exciting !!!"
"What do you want to do?", the other lady asked.
"Let's strip naked, walk around and try to catch
the attention of those dirty old men down there!!"
So that was what they did, walking around completely naked.
Lo and behold !
One of the old man sitting down the lawn below,
said, "Do you see what I see!!"
"Not really, my eye-sight is not really good these days!!",
the other man complained.
"Mine isn't that good either,
but whatever those women are wearing,
I sure think it needs some ironing !!"
173. stupid women
For the person who has been sending out the "hate-guys" "anti-men"
jokes....
When she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport
left", she turned around and went home.
She spent twenty minutes looking at an orange juice box because it
said "concentrate".
She has one toe, and bought a pair of flip flops.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her
mind.
She got stabbed in a shoot-out.
She told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".
When the computer said "Press any key to continue", she couldn't
find the "Any" key.
She thought 2Pac Shakur was a Jewish Holiday.
When I was drowning and yelled for a life saver, she said "Cherry
orGrape?"
She tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.
She sat on the TV and watched the couch.
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She was on the corner giving out potato chips yelling "Free Lays!".
She tried to drown a fish.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
If you gave her a penny for her intelligence, you'd get change.
They had to burn down the school to get her out of third grade.
She took a spoon to the Super Bowl.
Under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
She thinks socialism means partying.
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
That at the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here",
she put "Sagittarius".
She asked for a price check at the dollar store.
It takes her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She stands up on an empty bus.
She studied for a blood test and failed.
She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
She thought Hamburger Helper came with another person.
She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
She thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
She invented a solar powered flashlight.
She sold the car for gas money.
When she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home
to get 16 friends.
When she heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She went to Dr. Dre for a pap smear.
She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
She ordered a cheeseburger from McDonald's and said, "Hold the
cheese".
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
She peels M&Ms to make chocolate chip cookies.
She got locked in Furniture World and slept on the floor.
When she got to the empty 4-way stop, she waited for the other 3
cars to get there.
174. stupid name
Once upon a time, there were 3 good friends: Trouble, Manners and
ShutUp.......one day Trouble got lost, so Manners and ShutUp went to
the police station to make a report.
At the police station, Manners had stomach ache, so he had to go to
toilet. Thus, ShutUp went alone to the policeman.
Policeman: Wat is yur name and wat do u want to report?
ShutUp: ShutUp
Policeman(angry): U call me to shutup?? where are yur manners??
ShutUp: my Manners in toilet
Policeman(very angry): Are u looking for trouble??
ShutUp: Yes
175.THE "LIGHTER" SIDE OF MARRIAGE
1. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
2. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music
is over, the strings are attached.
3. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an
institution for the blind.
4. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his
Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
5. Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger
and two under the man's eyes.
6. Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
7. Marriage is not just a having a wife but also worries
inherited forever.
8. Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" :
- The Engagement Ring
- The Wedding Ring
- The Suffe-Ring
- The Endu-Ring
9. Married life is full of excitement and frustration :
- In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
- In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
- In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.
10. It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
11. Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant
with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other
fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
12. It's true that all men are born free and equal - but some of
them get MARRIED!
13. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church
and found himself married. A year later he muttered
something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
14. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the
husband gives and the wife takes.
15. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
16. There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was
until I got married.... and then it was too late!"
17. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm
clock.
18. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before
marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defence.
19. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when
a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
20. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell
for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.
176. short jokes
Tom : I found twenty cents on the sidewalk.
Jim : That's mine. I dropped a twenty-cent coin there this morning.
Tom : But, what I found was two ten-cent coins!
Jim : That's it. I heard it break when it hit the ground.
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Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take
this train to Kuala Lumpur.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
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Ted : I can call, "Rover! Rover!" all day long and my dog won't come!
Ned : Why ?
Ted : Because my dog's name's Lucky.
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The telephone buzzed and Mother called John to answer it...
Mother : John, who's calling?
John : The holes are too small Mother, I can't see who's calling.
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Teacher : John, did your sister help you with your homework?
John : No, Miss. She did it all.
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Peter : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green..
and one is blue with red spots!
Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at
home.
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Teacher: Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the
game went into extra time.
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Teacher : Sam, who first invented underground tunnels?
Sam : Worms, Sir?
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Tara : I think our school is haunted.
Mara : Why do you say that?
Tara : Because the principal is always going on and on talking about
the school spirit.
177. 不戴安全帽?
電視上看來的:
記者:先生,你為什麼不戴安全帽?
先生:看到我衣服上的字沒?"xx國術館,專練鐵頭功",我練鐵頭功二,三十年了,
你要我戴安全帽,被人家看到,豈不被笑話,你教我如何在社會上立足?
記者:那可是大家都要遵守規定啊?!
先生:這算什麼規定啊!!我問你:
一個游泳教練游泳時,要戴游泳圈嗎?~~~~~不用!
一個性無能的人,做愛時要戴保險套嗎?~~~~~不用!
一個長的很安全的人,出門要戴防暴瓦斯嗎?~~~~不用!
那我練鐵頭功二.三十年了,為什麼我騎機車要戴安全帽?!
記者:!%@#^@$%
178. 新竹吃便當
話說有一位小弟弟要從臺中坐車北上,上車前媽媽拿給他便當,並加以叮嚀注意的事項!!
小弟弟上車後,就走到司機的旁邊,向他請求到新竹一定要叫他,司機先生看他小,
一下就答應了!!小弟弟也就安心到後面睡覺!
車子開呀開!突然司機發現已經到桃園了!司機先生想想這小孩這麼小應該不能就這樣丟下他,
於是趁小弟弟還沒被吵醒時,和車上其他旅客商量把車子開回新竹,車上的旅客當然欣然答應...
當車子重新開回新竹時,司機先生就去叫醒小弟弟,小弟弟被叫醒
後就很高興的從袋子裡,拿出便當,司機先生莫名其妙地再提醒小
弟弟新竹到了該下車了!小弟弟就說我是要到臺北,我媽媽說要到
新竹才可吃便當,不可以一上車就把便當吃完...
179. 搭火車
數學系和工程系的學生一起搭火車去參加科技座談會,
每個數學系學生都有車票,可是工程系學生合共只買了一張車票.
收票員來的時後,數學系的學生在旁邊偷笑,看工程系學生如何應付.
只見所有人高聲一呼,所有工程系學生馬上擠進洗手間.數學系學生莫名其妙,
眼看著收票員收了他們的票,然後敲洗手間的門,說道 " 請把票拿出來 "
門底縫隙遞出一張車票,收票員拿了票便離開.
回程時,數學系同學不甘示弱,也只買一張車票,不料工程系學生一張票也
沒買. 火車開了不久,工程系同學一喊 " 收票的來了 "所有工程系學生便擠進
一個洗手間,數學系的連忙也擠入另一間洗手間. 然後在收票員進入車廂前,
一個工程系學生走出來,敲數學系學生洗手間的門." 請把票拿出來 " .
180. 天堂
有一位牧師和一位計程車司機同時死了......
結果計程車司機上天堂....而牧師卻得下地獄......
牧師很不甘願....因此到主的面前抱怨......
牧師對主說:"主啊!我一生奉獻給教會,盡力的幫您傳教,為何我下地獄.
而計程車司機開車叭叭叭的亂闖,不遵守交通規則,為何卻上天堂呢?"
主拍拍牧師的肩膀對他說:"你在傳道時,台下的觀眾個個都在打瞌睡,
但是,當計程車司機在開車時,乘客們個個都在祈禱啊!"
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