Ikariku's Funny Library
!!!!! Notice !!!!!!
All the jokes i posted on the homepage is composed by someone else, not me..
I have no copyrights on those jokes.....
If u r the composer.... then sorry....
If u r just a reader... then enjoy....
161. 愈來愈聰明
一家三口參家天體營,念小學的兒子發現自己的尺寸跟父親的差很遠,
於是便問他父親什麼原因？
父親只好向他解釋說：「隨著年紀的增長,男人愈來會愈聰明,而
那個地方也就愈來愈大起來。」
過了不久,兒子跑過來氣喘大叫他的父親說：「爸！您快來看,
那裡有個男人正注視著媽,而他變得愈來愈聰明了。」
162. short jokes(i)
Stationary
What did the boy pencil say to the girl pencil when she
told him that she was pregnant ?
- Can't be me, I still got my rubber on!
The Blind Man
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even
a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for
a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip
off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "The blind man," replies a
voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no
harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open
the door.
"Nice tits!" says the man, "So - where do you want these blinds?"
Marriage
"Our marriage was a mistake", says the man.
"I don't agree", says his wife.
"I know. That's why it's a mistake".
163. Doggie Gone or the English Bitch
A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three
months, when he was finally given a week of R & R. He caught a supply
boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London.
The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on
his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit
down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was
room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older
British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.
"Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady was insulted. "You Americans
are so rude," she said, "can't you see my dog is sitting there?"
He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He
found himself back at the same place.
"Lady, I love dogs - I have a couple at
home so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down." he said. The lady
replied, "you Americans are not only rude you are arrogant." she said.
"I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a
decent rest for all that time; could I please sit there and hold your dog?"
The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are
also obnoxious."
With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog,
threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless.
An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat
spoke up.
"Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's
description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong.
You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong
hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
164. Combat anger
Research has shown that anger can shorten the life span of a human being by
10 years if there is prolonged angerness present.So below is a list to help
combat anger and a longer life to others!.........
1. Count up to 1 million.
(By the time you finish counting, you will forgot the source of your
anger.)
2.Attain a state of nirvana by siting with your legs crossed and resting
your hands on your knees.For those who find this difficult,
you can go by a shortcut method by closing your eyes and go to sleep.
3.Vent your anger on those hapless victims currently residing in your
fridge aka . food.
4.Hitting the wall repeatedly with your fists pretending it is your mortal
enemy.(not recommended for excessive use!Ouch!)
5.Hitting your head repeatedly against the wall.Not to be mistaken by 4.
where the purpose in this case is to attain nirvana.( see 2.)
6.Find an isolated place and shout your heart out. This releases stress and
also inflict a sore throat which serves to save the pple around you from
your grumbling.
7.Help with the housework especially cutting the vegetables.( Believe me
it works)
8. Confront the object of your anger and tell him/her/it your feelings
about him/her/it.( Last resort )
The list is just to help pple cope with their anger and generally to let
them have a good laugh. To those who feel they could add to the list,
please do so and forward it to others so they too can appreciate the value
of laughter.
165. Do you have two cows
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts
them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all
the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them
and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for
by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the
government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you
as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to
take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of
them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of
them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots
you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you
for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both
and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide
who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick
someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows
if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached
for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains
and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates
what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you
not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the
other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to
fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a
fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them
to your publicly - listed company, using letters of credit opened
by your brother - in - - law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity
swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back,
with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six
cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands
company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights
to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual
report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one
more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you
from milking or killing them.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and
denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of
"ownership" is a symbol of the phallo - centric, war - mongering,
intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to
society) bovines of non - specified gender.
COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man.
You got to have some of this milk.,
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you
to take harmonica lessons.
166. Incident(1, 2)
Incident 1: Shopping for stockings.
***********************************
There's this young lady shopping for stockings at the neighbourhood
clothings store. Serving her was a middle-aged man (say 40s-50s). This lady
thinking that the man might not be conversant in English tried to speak to
him in Hokkien. "Ah Chek, woo buay stockings (English) kaw 'knee' (English)
ae boh?" which literally means "Do you have stockings that are up to the knee level?" The
man, feeling shocked but nevertheless maintained his composure, said: "Wu
kaw yeo ae, boh buay kaw ni ae." (We sell those up to waist-level but not
to the breast level). Needless to say, one can imagine the embarrassment the
lady faced.
Incident 2: Parking a car.
**************************
There's this young executive lady looking for a space to park her car. She
chanced upon an empty lot but was not sure if the lot was reserved by
someone (probably a newly qualified driver). Out of courtesy, she asked an
old man sitting nearby : "Ah pek, woo l-ang 'park' (English) boh?" The old
man, feeling disgusted and annoyed, gave her a tight slap on the face. The
young lady, not knowing what happened, broke down and cried. The young lady
was actually insulting the old man by asking him if he has 'balls'.
167. TIME
Imagine there is a bank which credits your account each morning with
$86,400, carries over no balance from day to day, allows you to keep no
cash balance, and every evening cancels whatever part of the amount you had
failed to use during the day.
What would you do?
Draw out every cent, of course!
Well, everyone has such a bank. Its name is TIME. Every morning, it credits
you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of
this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance.
It allows no overdraft.
Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the records of
the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is
no going back. There is no drawing against the "tomorrow". You must live in
the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost
in health, happiness and success!
The clock is running. Make the most of today..
To realize the value of ONE YEAR
Ask a student who has failed his exam.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH
Ask a mother who has given birth to a pre-mature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of ONE DAY
Ask a daily wage laborer who has ten kids to feed.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR
Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet or . . .
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE
Ask a person who has missed the train.
To realize the value of ONE SECOND
Ask a person who has survived an accident.
To realize the value of ONE MILLI-SECOND
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in Olympics.
Treasure every moment that you have!
And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special..
special enough to have your time... and remember time waits for no one ..
168. sex intercourse
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the
time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to
asking her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with
my husband."
169. maid
"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told
his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as
the lazy no- goods they were, they thought the inscription to be
unnecessarily long. They simply wrote:
"Returned unopened"
170. Airline
Lufthansa -
Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement
from the captain:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we
have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash
into the ocean"
The passengers were obviously very worried about this
situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's
next announcement.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared
for such an emergency and we would now like you to
rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on
the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the
right side of the plane"
After this announcement all the pasengers rearranged their
seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes
later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.
The captain once again made an annoucement:
"Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean.All
of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your
emergency exits and quickly swim away from the
plane.For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of
plane...
---THANK YOU FOR FLYING LUFTHANSA- "
-------------------------------------------------------
British Airways
"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew
I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602
from New York to London. We are currently flying at a
height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic."
"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of
the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard
engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the
port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen
off."
"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see
a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air
stewardesses. This is a recorded message."
-------------------------------------------------------
Air France
There once was a flight heading from London to New
York. Halfway during the flight, the captain suddenly
comes over the intercom system...
"This is Captain Jean-Pierre Lalonde speaking. I have a
bit of bad news for you. We have lost our first left engine,
but never fear, we can still make it using only three
engines. But because of the loss of power, we will be two
hours late."
Time goes on, and once again the PA system crackles to
life...
"This is again your Captain. We have lost an engine on
our starboard wing. But rest assured that our plane can
fly using only two engines. Due to the reduced power, we
will now be four hours late."
The flight goes on, when the passengers hear the now
familiar sound of the address system...
"Guess what, folks! We lost another engine, but nothing to
fear. We can still make it using only one engine. But now
we will be six hours late. "
On hearing this, an elderly lady turned to the person sitting
next to her, and said:
"I hope we don't lose ANOTHER engine. I'll be late for
my connecting flight from New York!"
-------------------------------------------
Philippine Airlines -
Ladies and Gentlemen, Mabuhay!, this is your Captain
Biglang-awa speaking, We are now over the Philippine trench
where you can find the deepest part of the Pacific ocean.
Here you can also find almost all the ferocious creatures in
the sea, there's the killer sharks, barracudas and many
others. And now for the finale, please, stay calm
and don't panic for both our engines are dead and we are
now going down into that ocean. Please wear your life
vest. We are going to crashland this plane into the water.
In the meantime, I would like you to follow everything I'm
going to say, repeat after me:
"Our Father Who are in Heaven.........."
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