Surviving PTSD and learning to live again is difficult but not impossible. I was told my James T. Reese, the former Assistant Unit Chief of the FBI Behavioral Science Unit, that "Success is a Journey not a Destination." My journey of success has only started. Just waking up every morning is a success. The rest is just the icing on the cake. I truly have to thank Jim Reese he is one of the people who started my journey of success. He is a busy man but he took the time to stop and talk to me. He told me it is time to take back control of your life. That was July 1999. Since then I have taken control over my life. Everyday I stay alive and helping others I have won.
I have spent many years trying to find out why I was angry all the time. What I found was, that I had many unresolved issues that stemmed from my job as a dispatcher. Now I know,I didn't suffer from borderline personality disorder, Bi-Polar disease, major depression disorder or any of the other things I have been diagnosed with.
But I finally found a doctor who was familar with PTSD and she diagnosed me with the disorder. What does that mean knowing now what I suffer from? I have relief, I can move toward a "normal" life.
I have shown signs of PTSD since 1994 and no one picked up on it. I had no problem when I was at work. I did my job and the Police officers, Firefighters and Emt's made it home safe. When I went home was when I was in trouble. I was alone in a crowd of people. I was detached from my children and family. I could no longer be the person I was before I became a Police Dispatcher.
As I have told in my story, I have been called crazy and a danger to those around me. Only because of people who didn't understand or want to understand what was wrong. They do not have the education and experience with someone who has PTSD to draw from. Can I blame them? Yes, I am angry for their lack of compassion for me. It was their duty to help me and no one ever did. The only thing that helped was educating myself about Critical Incident Stress Management.
The one thing I never was is a danger to others. It was easy for my employer to put a label on me. CRAZY! But they never offered any help. If I was so dangerous why was I still able to walk around and be with those I was such a danger too. Am I ANGRY, YES. Do I allow them to tell me how to live my life no.
What is a day like for me? Well I have my good days and bad. Most days I stay near home or at home. Since November 17,1999, I have been afraid to leave home. At times I have been afraid to leave my room. I have a fear that if I go out I will have a memory or have a panic attack. But with each passing day, I find myself not being afraid. I started out slow stayed away from places that would trigger memories. As I became more confident I am able to venture out. I am still unable to go to the store alone. I get into the store and I start feeling as though the walls are closing in. Then I start to panic. I have had to leave my cart in the store and just go home. Of course being a single mom this is hard to explain to my sons that I don't come home with the groceries. But now I realize if I take someone along I can stay focused. That sometimes doesn't work but for the most part it does.
There is also times I spend days in bed because I am unable to deal with the outside world. But I have a great family and circle of friends who make me want to get back into the world. One way for me is to go out and talk about what it like to have PTSD. Helping others to learn how to deal with traumatic events and cummulative stress. You can say that is my goal to get the word out. It helps to keep me focused.
I do suffer from flashbacks and intrusive thoughts but now I am able to control them to a point. I have them but the fear of them has started to go away. I can go longer periods of time now without having one. There for a while I had one once a day or more.
Will I ever be cured? No, I will not. But I will be able to live a normal life as I deal with the emotions that come up. By supressing them I am unable to heal the hurt. Yes it is difficult to but I have become a better person for it. I am no longer afraid to talk about my experiences and how I have been let down by the system.
The sad part is that my department knew that CISM teams were out there. They even had members of the department trained. If only they had cared enough to help me. Instead I am now living with the consequences. Do they care that I suffer? No they don't or they would not have waited so long to say I was not ok. The hardest part was that I was doing ok. I did my job very well and I never gave them any reasons to turn their backs on me.
To them I am just a joke. When I went out on full blown PTSD, one of my coworkers had the nerve to call and say "is this for real Connie or are you faking it for a lawsuit." You can imagine how I felt. I was as polite as I could be and said if I was faking it do you think I would tell you and further more no I am not. I told him never to call me again that if he beleived I was faking he was no friend of mine. Was he really serious? Did he think I truly was faking it? The answers to those questions were yes. For more than a year I fought for my job. All I wanted to do was go back to work and get back to my life.
I knew when I left in November I couldn't do the job anymore. The constant calls and the harassment was just to much. Not to mention being the town's joke. I find myself today feeling lost and lonely. Not because there is no one here because I didn't plan my day. I must give myself small goals and try to accomplish as many as I can in a day. Even if it is just to get up out of bed and spend time with my children, I have acheived one of my goals.
People keep telling me there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Well a year ago the light had been extinguished do to saving energy. Yes today I can tell a joke about it but when I was going through it then it was no joke. Today, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. With each passing day the light becomes brighter. I have found that helping others has helped a great deal.
One thing I have overcome is the fear of driving and getting lost. Before the PTSD, I was able to drive anywhere. I was not afraid to go out by myself. What do I mean by getting lost? I find myself in places and not know how I had got there. I was afraid to tell anyone for the fear they would keep me from driving. Finally, one day I told my mother that sometimes when I drive I get lost. Her reply was the most wonderful words I had ever heard. "Connie, You have never been afraid to drive anywhere, you used to get lost and you would stop and ask for directions. What you need to do is when you are feeling lost stop at the next convenience store and get a soda, and take a break from driving. As you sit and drink your soda think about where you are going and you will be ok." I have not gotten lost since that day. Those words are in my mind and when I feel as though I am going to panic, I do just what she said. That day,I was going to a class for Critical Incident Stress Management, she knew I needed to be there and that the class would help me. I did get there, and when I arrived I annouced, I made it. I didn't get lost.
I am glad I had told mom how I was feeling, I made a new friend that day. I guess God also knew that I needed to be there and I made it. That room was filled with so much love. I could not have asked for a better day. I WAS PROUD OF WHO I AM!
What is a bad day like? Well I wake up and hate the thought of having to get out of bed. When the phone rings I feel that I am going to scream if it doesn't stop. When I finally do find my way out of bed, it takes all that I am to be human. I don't want to eat, or talk to anyone. That is pretty hard being a Mom. The boys always have something to say and want to be with me. I have to cook when I rather be in bed sleeping. I am blessed, my Mom will chip in and help or the boys with cook for themselves. Sometimes i have to laugh my oldest son will say,"I am hungry Mom can you make something for me?" Knowing full well he can cook for himself, he just wants me to get up. He is a very smart young man.
I am truly lucky that they love me enough to understand Mom cannot always be on top of the world. I guess being honest and saying I am having a bad day, has given them a place in my life. Before I would just hide. They never understood they felt as though I didn't love them. That was not true, I love them with all my heart but I just sometimes have trouble with everyday life. But talking has helped them and me to get through this time.
I have been told by many they have seen a great change in me. Some say my change was like butterfly coming out of it's coccoon. Some days I look at myself and I can see the changes. Than there are other days I feel that I've not progressed at all, but have tripped and fallen. Even though I sometimes crash and burn, that is not important. It is how many times I am able to get back up and keep going.
I have begun telling others about my experiences and what brought me to that night, I wanted to die. The feeling of helplessness and hopelessness had over come any coping skills I have had. Suicide is when the pain over comes our coping skills for handling pain. I guess you can say, that I didn't want to die, I just wanted the pain to stop. After my suicide attempt a doctor asked me why I had not taken my anti-depressants along with the pain medicine. I told him "I am not depressed, I wanted the pain to stop."
Today we are loosing to many emergency services personnel to suicide. The reason for this is they feel that there is no one who can help them. That is how I felt. Unfortunately, Suicide is a very permanant solution to a temporary problem. At the moment when they feel lost and alone, they cannot see beyond that moment. It is not a selfish act, or an act of a crazy person. It is an act of someone in pain.
I have found out that there are people out there, who care. When I am feeling the walls crashing in around me, I can call someone and talk. They listen to me and talk to me until the moment passes. If I did not have this support system in place, I would have been successful the next time. Now when the pain exceeds what I can handle, I dial the phone and ask for help. This does not make me weak, it makes me stronger. It is much harder to ask for help then to do it on your own. But once you take that first step and know that there is help out there you no longer have to be alone.
The education I have received, since I joined the Critical Incident Stress Foundation, has saved my life. I am learning new coping skills, realizing what my triggers are, and most of all learning to feel again. That is something in the emergency services we are told not to do. We are told it is a part of the job and suck it up. Well I did suck it up and now I am suffering for it. Now that I am dealing with all the traumas that have gotten me here, I am able to handle feeling horrible. I am allowed to feel horrible, I am allowed to cry and most of all I AM ALLOWED TO BE HAPPY!
August 13,2000, today is one of those days when I am recovering from a week of H***. If not for the help of others, I would not have made it. I realized that I had exceeded my coping skills for pain, and I let someone know. By doing this, I not only have practiced what I preached, I also was able to somewhat handle the situation on my own. I told someone how I had felt and let them know my world was crashing. The Peace I have worked so hard to find was slipping away. Memories and outside influences were to much for me.
I had the feeling of needing to run somewhere and hide. I have not felt that feeling so strongly in 4 years. I found myself alone with my memories and pain and no where to turn. Than it hit me. I do have a place to turn. My support system, and I did just what I preached. I asked for help. At the moment I was feeling helpless and hopeless once again than I realized, I was not helpless or hopeless or alone. Yes, even I can trip and stumble and need to ask for help. But what I was complaining the most about was that I haven't made any progress. Well I am here to say, YES I HAVE. March 14,1999, I was truly a different person. Without all the pain I have been through in the last 4 yrs and having to relive it to deal with it, this last year, I would not have realized I needed help. We sometimes forget to help ourselves. We are out helping others and forget to help ourselves. It is not how many times you stumble it is how many times you get back up and keep going.
I forgot that I was a Mom and a daughter and so on and was thinking of all the bad things that had happened. I lost focus about what I need to do. PTSD will do that. We must stay task oriented or we loose control. (Boy I really hate that word but it is true.) In emergency services, we must control very out of control situations.
As a dispatcher I was able to do this. That was my job. Keeping order knowing what needed to be done and do it. And most of all make sure everyone returned home safely. Not every situation is a critical incident but they were still stressfull. I found myself as a dispatcher, becoming an adrenaline junky. The only time things were good was when everything was out of control and we could bring things under control as a team. Sometimes I find myself, lost because I was defined by was the title of dispatcher. I loved my job, I had a true passion for it. To this day I still miss my job.
The hardest thing has been to restructure my life and find something I can do to make sure my life goes on and so does others. Redefining myself as a Mom, daughter, CISM Team member and a retired dispatcher has helped. Going out and helping others by telling my story and helping to teach a new way of coping, has validated my new role in life. I was told by a friend that we don't have to walk away from those who serve us best and put our arms around a complete stranger and say I am sorry, we can turn around to Mom, My Sons and my love ones and say I am sorry I have made a mistake. That is what we must do for ourselves and our families.
Will I ever be able to dispatch again? Maybe someday when I have learned to put things in prospective. It takes a long time to fix the broken parts but when they are fixed and the support systems are there, I can efficiently and successfully continue to carry out my job. The funny thing was I could do my job. It was my home life I could not handle. The way I have been looking at my career as a dispatcher is only six minutes in my life. Now I have a place where those six minutes of time will fit in. I have a lot of experience in helping others and now in helping myself. So those six minutes (6yrs), are important but not the end all of everything. Being honest I have to say I thought it was the end of the world as I knew it. Today I can say it was a beginning of the life as I know it now.
We teach that needing help and asking for help is the way to prevent the end of a career. Some can come back from PTSD and do their jobs effectively. But we must learn to ask for help when we need it. Someone who has learned to live with PTSD and survive it, knows to keep the memories there and deal with them and if one should come up we know how to deal with it. As for me my journey is still continuing. I have decided to let it lead me where I need to go. Keep "control" of what I can and deal with the things which are truly out of my control.
Just a little humor there. I love Elmo. But somedays I look like Elmo jumping around from place to place trying to fit back into society.
Today I wanted to share what a flashback for me is like. It starts with a feeling of Euphoria, than tunnel vision, and bam I am back to where ever my mind decides to send me. Most times it is triggered by something. In the beginning, I could not beleive I was having them. I was just loosing moments in time. Then I would start to retain parts of what I saw in the flashback. Beleive me at first it scared me to death. I didn't understand this so called memory flashback. Then it was explained to me as my brain giving me just what it thought I could handle. As I was able to retain more and accept it the flashbacks came more and more. At least the ones I could remember.
Then for a while they began to come further apart. And I felt as though I was doing better. You know like I had some sort of handle on what my triggers were and tried to prepare myself if I felt one coming on. But then one sneaks up on you like a tiger in the wild, just waiting to pounce on you. I know that even though I do still have flashbacks it is ok. As long as I can talk about them and deal with them then I can move on and get better.
Someone just told me not long ago that flashbacks felt to them as an out of body experience. I guess in a way it is you are watching a movie and the only difference now is you can control your fear of what happened. I know this sounds so easy. It is not. You must put into your mind that it is a movie and you're in the theatre watching. It helps beleive me. It truly sounds silly but it worked for me. Others it may not but what the heck it is worth a try.
One thing everyone should know you are not alone. Whether you have PTSD or just experienced a traumatic event, we need to talk about it. Our mind will help supress things that scare us, but if we learn to talk about the feelings and the memories we can lesson the affects of the traumatic event.
So much has changed for me since the symptoms of cumulative stress appeared 5 yrs ago. Maybe back then, if the offer of help was there, I would not suffer today with Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. But the changes in my life have been tremdous. Somedays I wake up and forget that I have PTSD then something will trigger a memory then my day continues with sadness and not wanting to leave my home. I do have to say that most days I only have periods of bad moments instead of a whole days worth. I used to live moment to moment now I can live day to day. If I wake up everyday, I have won. And will continue to win until it is my time to go.
September 7, 2000, Sometimes I feel that I live in a bubble. I guess a lot of people who suffer from PTSD feel that way. A year ago, I would not be able to handle the memories and the nightmares, today I know that though they are hard I must experience the feelings. That is the only way that I can move on and let go of the past. Sometimes I feel as though my heart will jump out of my chest or get so angry that this is the way my life will be. There will always be set backs, but now I can proudly say, I can get back up and brush myself off with the help of my friends. I think I finally get it. I don't need approval from everyone. As long as my family and TRUE friends love me there is nothing better in the world. I have always strived to have everyone like me. Well not everyone has to like me. It is their loss not mine.
I have found a new step in my recovery. Feeling. Sounds silly but it is true. I have been so bent on showing everyone I can handle anything thrown at me that I lost my ability to feel. The hurt inside me turned into anger. Well I have been saying all along as new feelings came along, I cannot cry. I knew once I began to cry, I wouldn't stop. Well, September 12th, I began to cry. Now when something hurts tears well up in my eyes. With all the hurt I have stored up, I will be shedding many tears. The only tears I won't shed are for not being a dispatcher anymore. I have realized that those 6 years were for a reason. I now can share where I have been and the resources out there that have helped me find my way back to being "normal".
It is funny to say normal, for me this is all virgin territory. I am becoming the new me the person who has been to the edge and back and I can proudly say I have begun to take control over my anger and happiness. I treasure everyday that I have with my Sons, Tim and Kyle, my mother, Roland and all my loved ones. I also treasure the friendships I have made along MY Journey From the Darkness into the Light.
September 28, 2000, today is a new day for me. This week I have been able to overcome another obstacle. I had a problem with the phone ringing and causing me to become anxious and flashback. My Aunt came to visit this week and the phone and noise has been non stop since she got here. I was sure that it would cause me to be hypervigilant, but I was wrong. I made it through. I have even enjoyed the company and noise. I have laughed till I cried. I have not laughed this hard in years. Everytime the phone rings and no one is there we laughed. I have even laughed at wrong numbers making jokes about them. I know that I am in control of my life not anyone else. I can no longer be scared by calls from people who hangup and feel they are getting to me. No more today it has stopped. It is my choice not to be bothered by closed minded people. It is my choice to speak to who I want. I am no longer afraid of the darkness. Now that I have made it to the light. It feels even better that my existance here on earth makes those around me uncomfortable. I am not ever going to be pushed over the edge. I have been to the edge and now I am back and no one can stop me from telling my story. I am not going to let another person suffer alone. I am going to make sure that my story is heard.
Life has truly started to make sense. We go through difficult times to make us stronger. Will I ever be 100% no. But I am able to bounce back much easier. Do I find myself angry at times. Yes, I do. Part of being human is having emotion. I am no longer alone.
December 31, 2000, as I wait for the new year to ring in, I find myself looking forward to the NEW YEAR. Knowing that there is light at the end of my tunnel. Will there still be times that my past will catch up to me? To answer that honestly, yes. I am a new and stronger person now and learning to deal with the past and move on is the greatest gift. This year the greatest gift I have received is the peace of mind that I am a fighter. I have always been a fighter and a survivor. My higher power, which is God, has helped me on this journey. On Christmas Eve he gave me back my past. Now I can deal with the horrors of it. You can say it is like being cut and having to clean the wound out before it can heal. Well I have cleaned the wound now it must heal.
I want to thank everyone who has come to visit my site and have given me inspiration to continue to fight. To all of you Thank you. MY NEW YEARS WISH FOR ALL WHO VISIT IS TO FIND PEACE AND SAFETY WHERE YOU ARE IN YOUR LIFE. GOD BLESS!
March 25, 2001, today has been a very special day for me. I feared its arrival. Afraid that the pain and anguish would be more then I could handle. I didn't want to be alone, I wanted my family and friends around me. It didn't quite work out that way, but what did happen was I embraced the day and made it just another day. Not the anniversary of my assault, but just another day. I did things that I wanted to do today. Having PTSD I forget to take care of me. I take care of everyone else with no problem. When it comes to me, I don't know how to take care of me. But I have started, I have learned to love who and what I am. Regardless of what others think of me.
I have spent a life time trying to prove who I am. Striving to be the very best no matter what I did. The need to be accepted and liked were very important. I have found though that just being who I am is enough to earn the respect and love of others. I am happier today then I have been in 7 years. I know that those I wanted acceptance from were not worth the effort. If they couldn't accept who and what I am then it is truly their loss. They could not see what was in front of them, a very compassionate and loving woman. Hate, jealousy, fear and ignorance will keep them from ever knowing the true me. I truly hope someday they will realize what their actions have done. They will have to answer to them.
We may not realize it but every action has and equal reaction. Going through our lives not thinking about who we hurt will catch up to us. As for me, yes there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The journey has been long and not over yet but I am a new person. I am stronger mentally and physically then I have been in 7 years. The most important thing is I have my family back and have made many new and wonderful friends. Those who I thought were my friends have faded away and now life is wonderful. I am truly happy for the first time, I am in love with a wonderful man and life is good.
April 21,2001, today has been a very enlightening day. I realize that no matter what people try to do to me they can never break me. Bend me yes, break me no. I have the truth on my side and GOOD ALWAYS WINS OVER EVIL. I am stronger than anyone thinks. I KNOW THE TRUTH AND SO DO THOSE WHO HAVE HURT ME. No matter how many lies and deceptions they know the truth too. So keep trying boys. I am stronger then you think.
I know someday the truth will come out and there will be no place to hide from it. I stand behind the truth, one thing I do hate is liars. I am strong, smart and I will SURVIVE.
Someone gave me a very special gift yesterday May 7,2001, and I would like to share it with you.
"A WINNERS CREED"
If you think you are beaten, you are.
If you think you dare not, you don't.
If you'd like to win but think you can't, it's almost a cinch you won't.
If you think you'll lose, you're lost.
For out in the world we find success begins with a person's faith; It's all a state of mind.
Life's battles don't always go to the stronger or faster mind;
They go to the one who trusts in God and always thinks "I can."
Author Unknown
July 28, 2001, so many things have changed in my life in the last six months. The rollercoaster I have been on has not been a very fun ride. I guess that is what PTSD is all about the ups and downs. The wanting to throw in the towel when things are not going my way. Well, no matter how my life is going, I take pride in the fact I am able to help others have a better life. Because I have been willing to fight and stand up for what is right others have a little easier time getting through the hard times. For now that is enough payment for me. Truth will win out and those who were in power will not be there very much longer. The wheel truly does turn.
Does this mean I don't wake up every morning thinking about what people have done to me? No it does not. I will never forget the horrible things that were done to me. All in the name of your a member of the family and we love you. What ever made me beleive these people cared is beyond me. I do know one thing these people have to live every single day knowing what they did to me and that is a lot worse than anything I will ever have to endure. I will get better. They will never be able to run from what they did. As long as I am alive they will remember, if they don't pay on this earth they will pay when it is time to meet ST Peter.
God has blessed me with a second chance at life. I am not wasting it on I should have done this or I should have done that. What happened to me happened because of very closed minded horrible people. That is something they must live with not me. I am moving past what has happened and I am looking toward the future. I see my future as helping others to not suffer as I have. I wouldn't even wish this disease on those who have laughed at me and took everything away I thought was important. For a while I beleived that they took my dignity, I was wrong. I have always been a strong woman, and I will always be just that. I AM A SURVIVOR. I am not longer a victim. I have taken the horrible things that have been done to me and made postives out of them. Everytime I talk to a group of individuals they realize there is more to life then the hurt. Being thankful we wake up every morning and our families are healthy that is what is important.
Those very small minded people out there are nobodies. I have met some wonderful people on My Journey from the Darkness into the Light. These people will forever have a place in my heart. I never realized how many very wonderful good people there are in this world. For a while I was only exposed to the horrible people in the small circle I was in. Now I know there is Life after PTSD and I am living it to the very fullest I can.
October 11, 2001, 31 days ago I thought that the things that have happened to me was the end of the world. Then everything changed on September 11, 2001. I realized that my problems were nothing compared to the destruction I have seen. My prayers and hope go to the families of those lost in that evil attack. One thing I can say is JUSTICE WILL BE DONE. I will find it in my life and as a nation we will have it. GOD BLESS AMERICA.
