I became a dispatcher on January 15, 1994. I was so proud to be able to help others. In the beginning during my training I realized just what it meant to be a true dispatcher. Caring about that person on the other end of the phone.
Of course, being new I was eager to learn and listen to what others had to say. I soon realized that my coworkers who had been there for many years, were not happy doing their work anymore. Of course I took quite a bit of ribbing because I truly wanted to be a dispatcher. They kept telling me someday you will understand that it becomes a job and not a passion anymore. To this day I still have the same passion for my job as I did the first day I walked into the 911 communications room. It was brand new just like me. We all learned a new way of doing things. The 911 system had just been introduced to everyone and we all learned at the same time.
Almost 6 years later, I understand what the veteran dispatchers were talking about. It was the lack of caring, by our supervisors and some coworkers, that brought them to where they were. At that time there were no CISM teams that came in and debriefed us and helped us with those tough calls. What I realized was that my coworkers and I suffered from burnout.
There are those of us that are very close friends and are family. We would truly do anything for each other. But as in every organization there are those who are just don't get what it is like to be a part of a family. Still most times when things get tough in the room we band together and make it work. You always know who you can count on. Actually all of my coworkers you could count on to do their job. But when it came time for them to back you up that is where the friendships and family stopped. It really is a shame.
Myself I would always go to bat for anyone. I am one person you can count on to stand up and say I beleive in you and I stand behind you 100%. Beleive me there are people who told me in times when I needed help. Oh, I am here if you need me. Well when they were needed they stepped back. Afraid if they spoke out they may loose their jobs. Who can blame them, I cannot.
Everyone always says you never forget your first terrible call. Well that is true. It was March 26, 1994, I was still a trainee at the time and my trainer, who is a wonderful man and a very good friend of mine, stood next to me and let me handle the call. I answered the call and it was a young mother, her infant had stopped breathing. At that time we were not on the 911 system yet so her address was not available. So I did my job I got the address, my coworkers dispatched the first aid and medics and I stayed on the phone with the mother. I administered EMD (emergency medical dispatch)we are trained to tell someone how to administer cpr and most medical emergencies. The first thing I had to do was to get the mom to calm down enough to help me than we could administer cpr together. Before I new it our officers and ems were there. Unfortunately, there was nothing we could have done. The child had died of sudden infant death. Even so, being a mom it struck me right in the heart.
Needless to say when I got off the phone Ron, my trainer said to me you did a wonderful job Connie, I am so proud of you. I didn't feel very proud. But I had done my job and that was it. There was no time to stop and think we kept on going. Ron and I never discussed that day again after that. He did put me in for a comendation but because the child died, they felt it was a mute point. I guess the fact, I had done the best job I could it helped a little bit.
That day on my way home from work, a young woman pulled in front of me. All I could see was the baby sitting in the car seat and if I didn't do something that child would die. So I swerved off the road over a curb almost hitting a light post. Of course I was fine and the baby was ok. But I couldn't save the baby that morning but I did save a life that day. I went home with a sense of pride knowing I did my job.
About a week later, I found myself angry at the world. Especially my ex-husband everytime he came to take my children away. On this particular day I was so angry I threw and object at a mirror and broke it. As I was cleaning up the glass something came over me, and I cut my arm. Looking back now I realize I did because I felt dead and seeing the blood helped to know I was alive. This began my cycle of self mutalation. Why? Because I felt dead inside and if I could see blood I knew I was alive. I guess the funiest thing was no one noticed when I came in with large bandaids on my arms. It was the secret life I saved for me. Thank God I stopped, I realized that if I was angry and hurt then I was alive. They were feelings, I just didn't know why, I was angry.
Before I knew it I was on my own and working midnights. As one of my coworkers always says "Happy as a Clam working midnights." She has been working midnight for about 10 years now. She loves it. When I had the chance though I wanted to move to 1500 hours to 2300 hrs. My children were small and I wanted to be there for them when I could. Working midnights I was always tired. And being a single Mom, that was not good.
While still on midnights in October of 1995, I was working over time on 3 shift (1500-2300). It was just before Halloween and things were very busy. There were only two dispatchers on that night and I was one of them. I received a call via 911 and it was a baby having difficulty breathing. I did my job similcast the call on first aid and police and the first aid and medics were there within 5 minutes of the call. No police officer offered to go on the call and because we were so busy, the senior dispatcher told me not to worry the first aid was just down the street and they would be there before any police unit could.
She was right, the baby was fine she had a febrile seizure not an alergic reaction that was told later on. I knew by the symptoms that the grandmother told that the child was seizing and even put the call out as baby with difficulty breathing possible seizures. Most times the officers jump when they hear a child in trouble this time because the supervisors had told them the juvenile egg throwing problem was so big they had to stay at their posts. We were told the same thing at the beginning of the shift that no one was to be broken. But there was no one to be broken they were all on serious calls except for one new rookie and he just didn't hear the call.
To make this long story short, thanks to my partner not backing me up, the grandmother had called in and complained that there had been no officer at the call and it was protocol. How she knew it was protocol was beyond me? Because there was no protocol at that time and it was proven. But to make the woman happy they suspended me. Even though the Supervisor had left his post and wasn't paying attention to his radio and my partner who was an 8yr veteran at the time, only thought of herself and told the supervisor of dispatch that she would have sent someone but it was my call.
That was the beginning of my downhill spiral. My suspension date was in January and I quietly took it. I was told the more I fought the more they would find to say I was not doing my job. In January 1996, I started working 3rd shift. Took my suspension and than went on a very needed vacation to Jamaica. When I got off the plane I was in paradise. I was at peace. That feeling only lasted a day. While I was there one of our Officers died. And the call came through our 911 center. He had died instantly and there was nothing anyone could do. Everyone tried cpr and to no avail we lost him anyway. Being away no one wanted to tell me. I found out accidently when I called home. I was heart broken I really liked him and my friend had taken the call and she wasn't doing very well. I wanted to fly home immediately. But there really wasn't enough time. My Sgt. at the time told me to stay where I was that everyone was ok and I could pay my respects when I returned home. He did tell me that he would pass on my condolences to the family. That helped a little but not much. For the first time I felt helpless.
When I arrived home it was as though nothing had happend. Yes a few people were still sad but the show had to go on no time for stopping and feeling. So I decided on my own I would write his widow a note appologizing for not being there when she needed support. I went on to tell her just what her husband had meant to me. He was like a father figure to all the young dispatchers. I spoke from my heart in hopes this would help her through this awful time.
To my surprise she wrote back to me. She thanked me for remembering her after everything was over and everyone had forgotten her and her family. The moment I got the letter from the mailbox I started to cry. I had made a difference for this family even if it was for only a moment.
The night I lost Bob, my friend and second father, I had to keep my composure and keep on going. I guess what made me the most angry was, that I didn't know it was him until I was in between repeating the first aid call and I realized that it was him. My exact words were "Oh my God it is Bob", then continued on with the first aid call. About an hour later, the president of the fire company Bob belonged to called and asked me to announce the death. I thought my heart would jump out of my chest. I didn't think that night could get any worse. Well it did. I had to say "We regret to announce the passing of Robert he was an ex-chief and president. He was a great friend to all and he will be missed."
It was as though I was on autopilot. I didn't stop until 23:00 hrs when I realized he was really gone. No one ever stopped and said, "Connie it is ok how you feel he was your friend. You can feel angry, sad, and yes even cry." I was told to take a minute to pull myself together and go on. A minute thank you for the time. But, that is our job and no one thinks about the dispatcher, the one who is waiting to hear if everything is ok. How many officers really think about the voice behind the radio? Do they realize we are their lifeline and their lives are in our hands? We do and we take pride in doing our job well.
In March 25, 1996, I was raped. I still to this day have nightmares about the incident. I was told if I came forward my children and I would be killed. So I remained quiet. For the next six days I was lost, I couldn't handle all the pain I had endured at work and that night was what pushed me over that edge of being alone and helpless. When I left work that night no one knew that I was not ok. I had told no one what had happened and I was a good actress. Accept for one man who is now my LT., he asked me before I left, "Connie are you ok?" Of course my answer was,"Yes sir I am just fine."
I wandered around in my car aimlessly for hours. I even stopped and tried to talk to some friends but they didn't hear the despiration in my voice. Instead they made me feel worse, as though I was invisible. I left them and went to the beach. I walked for what seemed to be hours. I finally said to myself, I could walk into the ocean and it would be over. Then, I thought to myself what if one of the cops recognize my car they would save me. So I left and drove home as fast as I could. No trees jumped out in front of my car. When I walked inside my home it was empty the kids were with their father and I was completely alone. I walked to the medicine cabinet and took anything I could find to kill myself. I was tired of living and if I died the secret died with me.
I have talked about this night before so the rest of the details I have told before. But what I had failed to tell was the reason. It was a typical reaction to all the pain and contolled chaos I had heard on the phone and radio. I never really told anyone my reasons for wanting to die, I was hurting from many things including the rape. I reported it to the doctors but nothing was done about it. The doctor released me later that day. He figured that I had only done this for attention. So I let him beleive what he wanted. If I had only wanted attention I would have run naked in the street or wore tin foil on my head because of the aliens talking to me. This was a cry for help and that is what he missed. I wanted to go home and so I played the game. So I figured I would pick up my life from here forget the bads things that had happened to me in the last 3 yrs and go on.
Go on with my life I did I took a fitness for duty exam and back to work I went. Than one day someone told me everyone is afraid to work with me that I might try to kill myself while I was working. Well, after I got done rolling on the floor from laughing so hard. I got everyone, one at a time and told them that what I did, I did to myself. If I wanted to do it at work I would have. It was private and I am working on putting my life back together. But after that no one took me seriously. I was the joke. No one had ever done that before, well and asked for help that is. Or gone on record and said they did it. But I was still a joke. Everyone was always laughing at me and disliking me for no reason but I didn't care. I just kept doing my job.
The real shame to this story is no one came in to talk to those I worked with and explain why I wanted to die. They all felt as though they had let me down in some way. The hardest thing is that if they had said something or someone had spoke to them, like a critical incident stress management team, they may have understood. I have had my chance to tell those I really cared about that it was not their fault. I done this to myself.
One night when I was working, I received a 911 call. The operator told me there was someone there but didn't know what the problem was. So I identified myself as the Local PD and stated that I was there to help. The subject was unable to speak but could make sounds. So I told them to grunt twice for yes and once for no. It worked. I found out it was a woman and she needed an ambulance for her husband. Once that was established I sent the units needed and went back to talk to her. She kept answering my questions. Finally the ems workers and my officer arrived on scene. I kept speaking to the caller until my officer stated that I could hang up.
After the first aid and medics left the scene the officer called in and asked how did I know what was going on. I smiled and stated she told me. I know he was scratching his head in disbelief. He then asked me to call her son because she could not be left alone. So I called her son and he stated how did I know there was a problem, had his father called? Once again, I took pride and telling him she called and told me. He then said I don't want to sound stupid but how did she speak to you she cannot talk. I smiled and said, she spoke volumes to me. She answered yes and no questions with grunting noises. He told me thank you for helping my mom. I told him there was no need to thank me that is my job.
Needless to say when I hung that phone up I was floating on air. It is very rare that we get recognition for what we do. But just knowing I didn't give up on that woman was enough for me.
I did my job and I knew that I HAD MADE A DIFFERENCE.
On June 23, 1998, I received a 911 call from a woman who stated her neighbors estranged husband was next door and should not be there. She stated he had a gun. She could hear her neighbor screaming and called. Once I started speaking with her she noticed the man had brought his wife outside behind the house. The window the caller was looking out she had perfect view of what was going on. I quickly sent officers while I continued to get information. When I gave the information out that the man had a hand gun one of my not so favorite sgt's decided he would question me. "Are you sure he has a gun?" Unfortunately the female on the phone heard him and started describing the gun to me. It was a handgun silver with black grips. So I didn't get mad went back on the radio and gave them the description. Then she proceeded to tell me exactly where they were in reference to the house. I did this so when the officers came in they would know exactly where they were.
Needless to say the caller just wanted us to get there and get off the phone, I convinced her that the safety of her friend and my officers hinged on her staying out of sight and giving the details she could see. I stayed with the caller until I heard her tell me the officers have gotten him. She said thank you and we both hung up.
Come to find out the man did have a silver gun with black grips aimed at the woman's head. He also was right where I had told them. Funny they doubted me but the woman on the phone knew I was getting her help and that is all that mattered.
Because, I could not see the gun through the phone I should be questioned? I am their lifeline I was giving information and his using airtime to question me didn't help the situation.
This call was very highly charged and two out of the three officers received minor injuries. I guess knowing I did my job, they went home with the same amount of holes they went to work with. Knowing where he was and what hand the gun was in they could sneak up on him and catch him by surprise. And that they did. The injuries were a hurt wrist and a dog bit one of the officers in the back of his thigh.
Why am I telling this story now? Well the case went to trial the man is going to jail. But what is more important is that this was when they were saying I wasn't doing my job,very well and I may have mental problems. I guess I would have to say judge for yourself. The men came home safe. One of the officers, I have known since he was 5yrs old and I wouldn't let him or any of my officers get hurt. That is my job. Somewhere along the way someone has gotten confused. They are not our lifeline, WE ARE THEIRS. No matter what we always will be.
HERE IS ONE FOR THE DISPATCHERS WORKING THAT NIGHT WE SAVED THEIR LIVES!
Three years after that fateful night,and a failed second marriage. They decided I was to happy to be ok. See before no one knew that I was not ok so they ASSUMED that because I was happy getting divorced that I must be crazy.
On November 17, 1998, I received a reprimand for some really stupid things. When I asked to listen to the tapes, November 20, 1998, I was deamed a trouble maker again. On November 24, 1998 I was put on administrative leave (MENTAL LEAVE). But we were calling it administrative so that no one would know what was going on. So I thought. It was as though they had put it on the 6 O'clock news, everyone knew.
I was mortified, I wasn't even allowed into the dispatch room, Captain met me at the door and lead me around the other side of the office and broke the news to me. When I asked him why he actually had the nerve to tell me, it was because I was to happy. To this day I still have to chuckle when I think about it. So I asked what now. He said you must go for a fit for duty exam. But that was not until December 1st. That was a long way off. So I asked him what do I do without pay for that long. He said think of it as a paid vacation. Until then I did not know they were paying me. So he told me relax enjoy your holiday, go for walks on the beach and just have a good time. HAVE A GOOD TIME! He was crazier than they said I was. So in shame I left the building. I got home and no one was there. I started to crying. Finally my mom got home and calmed me down and she said ok, lets enjoy our Thanks Giving and than we will figure out what to do. So After the holiday we went on a little trip to North Carolina. After all the Captain did tell me to take a walk on the beach. He just didn't say where. So I sent him a post card from NC with wish you were here and thank you for the suggestion of walking on the beach. It is beautiful here.
Yes, at this moment I can laugh about this but it truly wasn't funny. I was angry. I couldn't beleive what they were doing to me rail roading me. Trying to get rid of me. Hoping by embarassing me that I would curl up in a ball and go away. NOT ME! They transferred me to the records department and I started there on Pearl Harbor Day, December 7th. Ironic isn't it.
March 14, 1999, almost 3 yrs to the day I tried to commit suicide, I walked into a classroom filled with my peers and I learned about Critical Incident Stress Management. What I didn't realize was that this would help to heal my heart. I found out what it was God had planned for me. He wants me to be able to share my story and give of myself so no one else will ever have to suffer like I did.
The first day I walked into that class room I was filled with anger and resentment. Learning why I felt this way is what is helping me to heal this broken heart. The first person I saw that morning was the teacher of the class. He looked at me as though he could see into my soul. He could see the hurt in my eyes. Needless to say that day was a very long and intense day. I learned things about myself I thought I had burried 3 yrs ago. I guess I thought that night, the old Connie had died. In a way I guess you can say she did.
When I left the class that day I was lost. I came home to my mother and told her I cannot find a place to feel safe and I cannot understand why. I told her about the class and what I had learned but, I was not sure I could go back. Needless to say I did go back the very next day. Scared to death but I went anyway.
In acting out the scenarios it helped me to deal with the feelings of anger and resentment I had bottled up inside me. All those calls when I felt helpless and couldn't reach through the phone and do the cpr on my friend and felt it was my fault because I couldn't save him. So many times we do not know the person on the other end of the phone but it doesn't really matter we still do our job.
Since that class I have become stronger, even though there are people still out there that view me as the weak, fragile thing from three years ago. Well, they have not noticed the change in me I guess. I no longer am going to just lay down and let people walk all over me.
I stayed in records until May 31, 1999 when they no longer able to say I was not ok. I had proven many times over that I was fit for duty. You can say the knowledge I had received from the CISM training helped me to get my job back. So they let me back to work. Where I was harassed verbally everyday I worked. I was the only woman on the shift at the time and the guys sometimes would get pretty disgusting with their stories. So I asked them nicely to not speak that way when I was in the room and they agreed for about 2 seconds. Well maybe longer. But they went right back to the old way. One night a sgt had to tell one of my male coworkers to watch what he said in front of me that it was not tasteful. Still it continued, until one night it got so bad, I left for dinner in tears. I went home and called my boyfriend and told him what had happened. He told me to go back and tell my supervisor. At the time I was petrified. I didn't want to cause a problem. But he told me it won't stop until you take a stand and say something. So I did.
My supervisor at the time I THOUGHT was very kind and was helping me out. (Helped me right out of dispatch) He told me that it was uncalled for and that he would make sure it would not happen again. He than asked me would I be willing to put it on paper. I thought to myself well I have gone this far and I was against anyone complaining that would not stand behind what they said so write it down I did.
What I didn't realize was that this would spark an internal investigation that was to be kept quiet. RIGHT! Everyone but me talked about it. What the strange thing is everyone in supervisory positions knew this was going on and did nothing to stop it. I guess they thought if it ain't broke don't fix it. No one was complaining so they let it go. It even made some of the men uncomfortable when things were said. But still no one did a thing. Well needless to say the harassing didn't stop and as each person in the room that night was called to give their side of the story the hostility got worse in the room. I was even threaten. So once again, I wrote the incidents up and nothing was done. I told them I didn't feel safe. I was promised I would be safe.
So instead of moving me to another shift they bumped me back to records. At the time I was told nothing. When I started in records, I called the union and told them what had happened and they told me they had some paperwork I might be interested in. Well, needless to say, I was in tears after I read the paperwork. They moved me because they said I was the one who was dangerous and that the public and the employees were not safe. Once again they had embarassed me. This time it was for the last time.
After being in records for about a month, we lost one of our rookie officers. Of course everyone was shook up. But what was good for me is that I showed that I truly was ok in a time of crisis. Because of my training, I comforted those who were crying and kept checking on the supervisors and the dispatchers to see if there was anything I could do. I kept things together the best I could. I truly proved that my mind was ok. Even though the people I was helping, were the same ones that had hurt me it didn't seem to matter. I knew it was what needed to be done. I made sure they got the help they needed. To me that made me the bigger person. I did my job. I even had one of the supervisors tell me I had done a good job. Imagine that me crazy, and I did a good job. I replied to him that I was just doing what I was trained to do. Nothing more and nothing less.
I have been in records since August 5th and still there today. November 15,1999. If this story wasn't so tragic it might be funny. The harassment didn't stop and I have taken legal action. I have decided that it is time to leave for the reason of cumulative stress disorder, PTSD. Over the last six years there have been many many things that have weighed heavy on my mind but the last year of their harassment is what has done it. I am NOT GIVING UP. I am going to win this battle, but I have decided, with help from my friends and my sons, that I don't have to take this. So my doctor has given me a way out with dignity and I have decided to go.
Today November 17,1999, is the first day of my new life. The Doctor gave me a note to place me on disability. The funny thing was that I was releived. It was truly an ironic day it is one year to the day they started messing with me. Trying to say I WAS CRAZY. One thing I am not is crazy. But I disappointed that I am not more upset about leaving. There are those who are truly sincere and will miss me. But those who were behind all of this crap I am sure are very happy to see me gone. I haven't given up I am just tired I need time to rest. And spend more time with my children and family. They have all been hurt terribly by what has happened to me. I know they will never give me back my job for fear I may do something horrible like show them what a true dispatcher is like. Kind, caring and compassionate. It is a true shame that my peers just don't get what this is all about. We are the patrolman's lifeline and the only lifeline to those civilans that need our help. Maybe someday I can make a difference by telling my story and maybe just maybe the message will get through.
Yesterday, November 24,1999, was one year since I was removed from my job. Today is Thanks Giving. I could look at my life and say what is there to be thankful for. Well I am thankful for being able to stand up for what I beleive in. I am thankful for my family and friends. Isn't that what life is truly all about. Not the money I have made in my life or the cars I drove, but the hearts I have touched along the way. The new friends I have made and the smiles I have been able to put on my children's faces.
NOW THAT IS WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT!
I find myself once again thinking what am I fighting for, why did I let others walk all over me. Well my friends it has been a year of horror. The funny thing, well strange thing is, I would probably never have remembered what I have, if not for my departments lack of compassion. I have realized that the loss of inocence can happen at any age. For me it was 34 years old. I have always trusted in the system and the law but 3 yrs ago it let me down. Yes, people are human, but what I am talking about is taking control away from someone by taking their inocence. I may have been 34 years old but I was inocent to the world around me.
I did not realize among the good there was evil. I guess that can happen anywhere. Almost a decade ago I lost my dad and I thought that was the worst thing that could ever happen to me loosing a parent. Well I was wrong. But loosing faith in myself is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I blamed myself for something I had no contol over. I no longer blame me for what has happened. I have taken control. No it isn't easy, beleive me I get up everyday and thank God that PTSD has not taken my life. A strange thing to thank him for but it is true. I can lay down and say I give up. Somedays I even think it. But than I realize, what has happened to me could happen to someone else and that is unacceptable. Yes I am doing this for myself, but more for those who come after me. I want to be able to make a difference in how we (dispatchers) are treated. Our supervisors only think that the men and women on the street are the ones who feel the pain and anguish of the job. Well I am here to tell you that is not true.
We feel we hurt and we pray that we never hear the words officer down. That is a nightmare for any dispatcher. We care about the guys and gals that patrol the streets to keep our towns safe. But what about that person behind the radio. When is the last time anyone has said to a dispatcher good job or are you ok? I can guarantee not many supervisors do that. They are just glad their officers come home safe.
It has taken quite a bit for me to admit I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. (PTSD) But I do. Everyday I get up thinking of those I have lost or maybe I could have made a difference if I was doing my job. Instead of pushing papers for the last year. Funny thing is, I could do my job very well. The PTSD only affected me when I went home. Being a single Mom there was no one at home I could talk to. My boys were to young, my mom bless her heart she tried to understand but it just didn't seem to work. She didn't know what to say to make the hurt go away. If I had not found the Critical Incident Stress Management team, I would still be walking around in a haze ready to give up. Take my lumps so to speak and just lay down and die.
But knowing the reasons why I felt the way I did made it all make sense. I was not crazy like everyone whispered, as I walked down the hall. I was a normal person dealing with very abnormal situations. CISM taught me that. Knowing that how I felt was a normal reaction made things seem so much easier. I could function once again and beleive in myself and not feel that I failed. I have never failed at being a dispatcher just failed to dial the right number when I needed help.
But it wasn't offered in my department. The old suck it up and keep going was our motto. Don't be so sensitive and move on. Well move on I will agree with but suck it up is for the birds. Talking about how bad I feel and having someone say they can understand why I feel this way is what has brought me this far. Like a friend told me in a seminar I attended, "It's the fear that brought you here and it's the fear that will keep you going." James T. Reese you were right. If not for the fear I would not be here and I would not have taken a stand for my rights. Afraid or not I will not give in or give up until things have changed. You can guarantee that this woman will not give up until everyone has heard the message loud and clear and understands. I am a beleiver in me and what works.
I WILL NOT EVER GIVE UP!
I have felt since this whole ordeal that I was spinning my wheels going no where. Blaming my self for not being strong enough. I kept asking myself WHY ME? Well I have come to the conclusion that God has picked me to make a difference. Let others like me know that there is life after PTSD, and violence. Yes I can choose to give up but that is not the answer. The true answer is in my heart. I want to get better and I want to be happy. So I have decided to let it go and let God and the lawyers duke it out and they can fight for me. Take the burden from me. Each day now since I decided to give it up to the higher power, I am feeling happier and stronger than ever. "So yes Virginia there is a Santa Claus." This time of year is the time for miracles and I think getting control over my own feelings is the greatest miracle of all.
There is no guarantee that tomorrow I will still feel happy and content, so I am taking one day at a time. Sometimes one minute at a time. I know I will survive.
I have struggled a great deal with what I am about to do. I have decided to retire out. I can no longer work, because of the PTSD being a dispatcher is something that will aggravate it. So instead the knowledge I have gained, I will pass on to other people. God has shown me that this is what is the most important. Making sure no one ever has to suffer the way I have. By telling my story until everyone has heard, than my time on this earth will have been worth it. Letting others know that bringing in a CISM team during the aftermath of a traumatic incident will help to prevent PTSD.
Education is the only way we can help to prevent PTSD. Educating everyone those in supervisory positions down to the EMT, Firefighter, Patrolman and last but not least the dispatcher. The voice behind the radio. The one who hears and imagines the worst about what goes on out on the streets. Most times we never know the result of a call. The patrolman on the scene is to busy or the first aid is sent on another call. So we let it go without knowing. What we can imagine is worse than the actual truth.
We are not always able to see that something is bothering us. Those around us must sometimes step in and say you need someone to talk to that you can trust. Of course, our first reaction is no I am fine. Well we are not fine we need to talk about what we see, hear, and smell. Sometimes the strangest thing will stick out in our minds. But we are afraid to tell someone because they would think we are from another planet. But once you talk about it you are able to understand this is how your mind coped with the trauma.
Help is not a four letter dirty word. Having a network of people who will come in and help you feel better about your feelings is what this is all about. We are more willing to talk to a peer than we are to a therapist. In our line of work, therapist is a dirty word. Sometimes just talking to someone is enough. But in the case it is not enough than we can be more willing to go to a therapist if a peer suggests it.
WE ARE ALL JUST NORMAL PEOPLE TRYING TO DEAL WITH ABNORMAL SITUATIONS
Having someone come in to talk to is the best way. They can validate how your feeling and help you to heal. This service is totally confidential and no one will ever know what is said in a defusing or debriefing. There are certain things that departments have rulings on and you must follow their procedure. But talking to a peer will help to make things just a bit easier as you go through the process.
So you can say this is my way of putting closure to my past and start a new life. I will still be able to help others and also give meaning to my life. That is why I became a dispatcher to begin with to help others.
God Bless!
Today is April 23, 2000, I am still working to get the word out to those who need it. On March 30, 2000, 4 yrs to the day I tried to commit suicide, I gave a speech to the NJ PBA. I told them how Critical Incident Stress Management has changed my life. After my speech so many people came up to me and asked how do you keep going, I just smiled and said because I want to help those in need. If I don't tell my story, those who are suffering in silence with never get the help they deserve.
We have gotten a great response since that day and there are many police officers out there wanting to be trained and learn about this wonderful program that I have become so passionate about. The bottom line is they were waiting for someone to offer who was sincere and could be trusted.
Yes CISM has been around for a long time but because education was not there it was like a secret no one wanted to share. Emergency services personnel have always been open to a better way, they were just afraid to ask for help. Hearing someone tell them what this program has done for them has made the difference. There are people out there willing to listen to what I have to say. They respect me for who I am and what I am. That is the most special feeling in the world.
With each passing day I find myself growing more and more. I have opened my eyes and heart to the world. There is no greater feeling then someone coming up to you and saying thank you for sharing your story. I have felt the way you have at times I just never understood why I felt this way. There is my paycheck. If I can just help one person then I have done my job. Don't get me wrong, it is still difficult for me to leave my home, my safe haven, but knowing I am going out to help others the fear of leaving my safe haven goes away.
I have joked with my team director that I could be the poster child for the CISM Network. Don't let this happen to you! Even though it is a joke it is true the more we educate the less pain there will be out there. If someone had told me about this program 6 years ago, I know that I would not be suffering as I am.
