I would like to share a story that was written about me.
I am not being full of myself but I was so proud when I read it that I wanted to share it with the world.
I would like to tell you about Connie. I first met Connie, March 14, 1999, she was in a class I was teaching on Critical Incident Stress Management. Connie was shy when she first walked into the classroom. The minute I noticed her I knew she needed a friend (it was a sixth sense that I had perfected in Vietnam).
During the course of the next three days, I kept a very close eye on her. She did very well in class but, I knew that something was troubling her very deeply. I finally made contact one night online with Connie and I asked her out to dinner, just to have a chat.
We met for dinner and than went for a long drive. During the course of the drive, I asked Connie to tell what was really bothering her. Well as you can imagine, it took a while for her to get it out. But when she did to say the least, I was astounded that she was even still walking.
It seems that for a special lady of her age a lot had happened in her life. I think she really needed to tell it to someone who would just listen to her and not pass judgement. Well far be it from me to pass judgement on anyone, but listen I did. When she had told me everything that had happened to her my question was, "What do you think you should do about it?" Well needless to say she said "I am going to do nothing."
Over the course of the next month or so things continued downhill for her, but eventually she got the message that she needed to do something about what had happened to her. She finally took the bull by the horns, as they say and got going in the right direction.
Connie is still fighting her fight, the road is a very long one, but she is standing tall with a lot of help from her family. She also has a pain in the butt that keeps her going. Connie will win this fight one way or another, because she has learned a couple of very important things. One is she has learned to love herself. Two she has surrounded herself with people she can trust. By doing this she has learned to SURVIVE!
Connie has learned an awful lot about herself in the past few months good and bad. She will have to live with the memories of what happened in her past, but she will be okay.
One other thing, Connie does believe there are angels sitting on her shoulder. So if any of you have a chance, to say a little prayer for Connie to give her the assistance she needs to continue this fight. Connie is one person you could count on to give her life for you if she had to, and that my friend's is a very special type of lady.
Written By
Roland Kandle
DIRECTOR OF THE MERCURY CRITICAL INCIDENT STRESS MANAGEMENT TEAM
The reason for the butterfly is Roland Kandle. He told me that I was like a butterfly waiting to come out of it's coccoon. Well, this butterfly has. I have learned to spread my wings and fly. Thanks to people like Roland. They have shown me what true friends really are.
The places I have been in my life were not pretty. No one should ever have to go through what I have. I do know what has happened is not my fault. I trusted people who were very untrustworthy. I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Wow I actually said it. The things that have happened to me from working as a dispatcher will stay with me forever. The help was there but no one offered it. Now because of my departments lack of caring, I will suffer for the rest of my life.
Just because I have admitted to having PTSD, does not mean I am ever going to give up. I know that what needs to be done. Every department needs to have a Critical Incident Stress Management Team they can call on when things go wrong.
Those of us in the Emergency Services do not trust mental health professionals or EAP'S. Any time one of us goes to an EAP our department knows about it. They see it as a sign of weakness. What they don't realize is that we need to talk to our peers. That is what CISM is talking to our peers. Someone who has experienced what we have.
I joined the ALPHA CISM TEAM because I wanted to make a difference but what I found is the difference it made for me. When I talked to others about what happened to them I could relate to what they were going through. As a dispatcher I know what it is like to want to reach through the phone and do CPR on a child or my heart stops when I hear an officer cry for help. There are no words to describe these type of feelings. Most mental health professionals have never experienced this type of feeling. And they are the ones making the decisions if we are fit to do our job.
We do have mental health professionals on our team but they are trained to deal with CIS and they are there if we as peers need a helping hand. These mental health professionals can be trusted. Everything that is said is confidential and no notes are taken. It truly puts the emergency services personel at ease knowing what they say is confidential.
It really seems funny to me that those in the higher level positions just don't get the concept. Is it that they have been in the service to long? Do they really beleive that the old saying suck it up is true? How many times did they freeze when they heard someone cry for help? Or pull up on a scene and wish they could turn around and go home.
These things happen everyday and now the concept is beginning to sink in. We need someone we can trust to talk to. Who better than a peer who has been there. We are not therapists,we don't do therapy. We help our peers realize they are normal people dealing with very abnormal situations. I wish my department had offered this program to me. Maybe now they wouldn't be looking at me like I am crazy.
No matter how my fight turns out they cannot stop me from helping others. God put me on this earth to make a difference. Even if that means telling my story to the world, that is what I am going to do. I will not allow others to suffer, that is why I went into this profession to help others. I think the powers that be may need to look at why they are here, to help or hinder.
GOD HELP US ALL IF THEY ARE NOT HERE TO HELP!
So many of us find ourselves at a crossroads when the decision we make can affect the rest of our lives. Right now I find myself wanting to do so many things but I am stuck in this decision of whether to take the easy road or the road less traveled. The easy road would be "to give up curl up in a ball and sit in a corner and die, let those who are fighting me win."
The road less traveled I would face difficult odds and maybe not be very well liked. But I finally think I get the point. No one ever promised me life would be easy and that the decisions we make will not have some sort of after shock. Life has no guarantees as to what we will face in our lives. But God does give us the choice to keep it from happening to others.
I choose not to give up. People may look at what I am doing as giving up but I really have won. I have my family, a wonderful man in my life and I still can help those in need. I never thought I could make a difference but I have. I will not give up and I will not curl up in a ball. I have decided to take "the bull by the horns and give it all I have got!"
I know that life right now is not easy for me. But if I get up everyday and say wow it is a new day, I am breathing, my kids are healthy than I have won.
God knows I believe that he will show me the way to go. And right now he is guiding me where I need to be. I am going forward with my life and no one can stop me. NO ONE.
NOT EVEN ME!
I am my worst critic. I am the one who says I cannot do this or I won't do this. But those words just don't fit into my life anymore. Thanks to my friends I have taken a stand and I am not going to stop until I win. God has blessed me with a second chance at life. I am not going to mess this one up. I am going to shout my message to the world and make sure people listen to me. If I keep one person from going through the horrors I have, than I have done my job here on earth.
I never want there to be a day when I cannot say at the end of it,I am happy with who I am and what I am. I am proud of me for taking a stand and taking control of my life. God knows people have been trying to convince me everything will be ok. I truly think now I do beleive it. I look forward to tomorrow and what happened yesterday is over. I can no longer live in the past and allow it to rule me. I rule my life I am in control, finally.
I am finally taking control of my life. I have decided to control the things I can and let the things in my life that are out of my hands right now take care of themselves. I am going to enjoy my family and loved ones and not worry what others think. I have finally made the decision to take care of me. It has only taken 37 yrs to come to this conclusion but I guess that now I get it.
I am going to use my experiences to help others. I may never get my job back, at this point I don't think I want to work with people who just don't get what the job is all about. Being hateful and angry is not how I want to live my life. I maybe fighting for myself but in a way I am fighting for them. When I am done there will be better working conditions and help available for them when they need it. My job now is taking care of myself. Making sure I am ok. By doing this others will see how important it is to talk about what is going on and they too will find they relieve the stress in their lives.
I may not be popular for the decisions I have made, but I am proud of me, for standing up and saying enough is enough. If one person is helped by my experiences than everything I have gone through is very much worth it. I am not someone who will lay down and die. I am someone who will keep fighting until things have changed for the better.
Even though right now my coworkers just don't get it. They will someday. My hope for them in the future is a better work environment and a healthier mental outlook on life. You can say I sort of feel sorry for them that they truly just don't get what I do. Talking about how you feel and becoming stronger is what this is all about. The best thing I have ever done for myself is walk into a classroom March 14th, 1999. It changed my life forever. I think for the better. It has taught me to deal with life and the things that have happened to me and the things that will happen in the future.
One thing I can promise is I will not stop until someone hears me. Yes, sometimes I feel like I am yelling into the wind and no one can hear me. But, I have reached a few people and they realize what I have to say is important.
I know that I am going to make it I truly do. Don't get me wrong I am afraid of what may happen in the future, and what am I going to do next. But I think I even have a handle on that. I need now to make new goals for myself and make those important to me. And taking care of my children and family is still my number one goal. But a new goal I am setting for myself is getting the word out about the things I believe in and reaching those who don't know. Making a difference you can say is my new goal. There a small goals I need to reach before I get to the final goal, but with each small goal I make, it brings me closer to the final goal.
So many things are changing for me. My life seems to have taken on a life of it's own. I happy because I am being heard. I am happy because I have my family and friends around me. The ones who truly are my friends and want to help me. So many people walk around everyday just not getting what life is about. I get it. I get what I need to do. I need to help others. It is in my blood and it will never change. My new goals will be getting the word out about the help that is out there. In a way I am doing this through my website. But I am not going to stop there. I will talk to everyone who will listen. Even those who won't listen I am still going to talk until they do listen.
Everyday I wake up and I am breathing I have beaten those who are trying to hurt me. I made a mistake once. We all make mistakes. But I am going to make sure people understand the night I tried to committ suicide, and why I did it. Until things change more people will die. The loneliness and pain you feel at that moment unless you have been there you cannot understand. Yes, I have been the brunt of jokes by people who just don't get it. I have been yelled at for being selfish and only thinking of myself. Well I am here today to tell all that yes maybe I was selfish that night, but that was the first selfish thing I have ever done in my life.
I have always been the good girl and never hurt anyone. I hurt myself before I would hurt another human being. So what part don't they get. I didn't do this to them. I did it to me.
And when they have walked one mile in my shoes they cannot make any judgements on my life.
Now I am finally doing things that make me HAPPY. Imagine that one doing something for me. And while I am doing something just for me, I am helping others. I enjoy everyday God gives me to make someone smile or listen to someone when they want to talk. Most of all I enjoy every moment with my children. They are my life.
I am finally able to say that my healing process is able to start. I have let the demons out of the closet and now I am dealing with them. Before I walked around in a very matter of fact way. I told my story as if it were someone else's with no emotion. Well my friends I now can say I feel the emotion and I feel the pain.
I was always afraid to let the pain out afraid that I would start crying and never stop. Well I started to cry and I was able to stop. Letting go of what I had no control of, the assult 3 yrs ago, and telling my self over and over "I'M OK, I ACCEPT IT, IT WASN'T MY FAULT, AND I AM FORGIVEN." Well I am ok and accepting it lets me be able to move on. Knowing that it wasn't my fault and it was an act of violence, makes the accepting part much easier. And the forgiving part is for myself. I blamed my self for what happened. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, I trusted those who were untrustworthy and by forgiving me I can move on.
There are so many women out there that feel just like I did. If I hadn't worn that dress or if I had not put makeup on that day or if I had just not done my hair. But these things have nothing to do with the fact I was raped. Yes I said it I was raped. My control to say yes or no was taken from me.
At the time I was very thin and I felt if I wasn't so thin and didn't wear makeup or do my hair take pride in who I was they would have left me alone. Well I have realized I could have been any weight and they just wanted to take away my feeling that I needed no one. For me back then need was a four letter word.
Since March 25, 1996, I have put on 40 pounds thinking that would make a difference. Well the only difference it made was now I am 40 pounds heavier. I am still a woman and it still could happen to me. Yes, that old saying that can never happen to me, was my motto. Well, it can happen to me and it can happen to anyone. Just because I was a dispatcher and worked with police officers, I had a false sense of safety. WRONG! It can happen to me and it did and there is no greater act then rape to take a woman's self esteem and confidence away. They took my inocence.
Yes I said they. Now that I have accepted it happened the number no longer matters. The fact that I am alive and still breathing is a miracle in itself. I never looked at it that way before. This Butterfly truly has come out of her coccoon. And out is where I am going to stay. I like the sun on my wings and the wind to my back. There is no greater freedom than being able to let go of the guilt and feelings of horror. Don't get me wrong, the pain and horror is still there but I no longer need to be afraid when I remember it. It happened, I am alive and I thank God everyday that the night I tried to commit suicide I was unsucessful. If I had died that night those people would have won.
THEY WILL NEVER WIN IN THAT WAY! I AM ALIVE AND I AM GOING TO STAY ALIVE UNTIL MY STORY IS HEARD EVERYWHERE!
When God calls me home that is when I will go. I have finally realized what my prayer is. I just want peace and love in my heart and I pray to God everyday that someday I will get there.
The road to recovery is long but I am going to make it. I am going to be ok. God has sent many angels to walk with me through this time and they will make sure I am safe and that I survive. Thank you God for not letting me die that night. I never would have met the people I have and my heart would never have known what it is like to truly love.
For those of you reading this and may have been where I was I want you to know there is life after rape. There is life out there and we must not let it just pass us by. My wish for you is you find the help you need and look to the future with hope. God Bless!
