Bill Brasky is a character originating on Saturday Night Live. He was first met at his wake as people gathered round his coffin and told of the things the ultimate manly man did while alive. This is his story (told daily by Joe and Travis).

And my personal favorite is . . .

When compared to Bill Brasky on a manliness scale, John Wayne is a tampon.

Bill Brasky can undress a woman with his eyes. Literally. (T)

Bill Brasky has five o'clock shadow at 4:30 the previous day. (J)

Bill Brasky has a clapper on the sun. (T)

Bill Brasky's favorite movie: The Charles Bronson Story -- A Life of Ass Kicking. Bill Brasky's 2nd favorite: Beaches. (J)

There once was a saloon out in the middle of nowhere; it was crowded and very popular. One day a man burst through the swinging doors and yelled, "Bill Brasky is comin' to town! RUN!" And they ran. The bartender was left alone. He remembered his boss telling him to take the money from the cash register and run to the hills if Bill Brasky ever came to town. The bar tender stuck all the money in a sack and ran for the door. He tripped over a table and the money spilled everywhere. Through the door the bartender could see a silhouette of a giant of a man riding two bears at once. He knew it was too late. The swing bar doors shattered to splinters as the giant walked in! The man sat down and told the bartender, "Get me a damn whiskey with gunpowder and stir it with a dynamite stick. Now!" The bartender complied as fast as he could. After the man drank it he said "Get me another but this time leave the dynamite in!" The bartender complied. After he drank it the bartender asked, "Would you like another, sir?" He answered, "Hell no! Bill Brasky is coming to town! I gotta get out of here!" (T)

Bill Brasky knows the pain of unrequited love. But only because guns have no feelings. (J)

Hiroshima was destroyed by an atomic bomb. But Nagasaki? That was all Brasky. (T)

Once, in a blinding rage of absolute drunkenness, Bill Brasky accidentally kissed a man. All the testosterone instantly flew from the man's body into Brasky's mouth, and the man turned into a woman. That man's name: Cindy Crawford. (J)

Bill Brasky only trusts three women in this world, but two of them are actually men and the third is Janet Reno. (J)

Bill Brasky loves women and guns for the same reason. When bored, he takes them out and shoots 'em. (T)

If Bill Brasky were a woman, his period would be an exclamation point. (J)

Bill Brasky's grandma is a man named "Grandma." (T)

Bill Brasky's answering machine: "This is Brasky. Fuck you!" Beep. (J)

During his circumcision, Bill Brasky's foreskin cut the Rabbi. (T)

Bill Brasky's voice is lower than Bea Arthur's. (J)

Bill Brasky built the cabin he was born in. (T)

Bill Brasky is so well-endowed that when he's naked, they call it "The Full Montgomery." (J)

Bill Brasky chops down family trees for firewood. (T)

Like Athena, Bill Brasky sprang forth from Zeus' head. Then he turned around and kicked Zeus' ass.

Bill Brasky never "kicked a habit" unless a nun was wearing it. (T)

Once, in the middle of a harsh winter, Bill Brasky made Davy Crockett QUEEN of the wild frontier. (J)

Bill Brasky doesn't go to a dentist, he goes to an ivory poacher. (T)

Bill Brasky once challenged God to an arm-wrestling match. And He lost. So Brasky beat Him senseless. That's why the world is so screwed up these days. (J)

Bill Brasky punched Mars and kicked Uranus. (T)

Bill Brasky has Mussolini's head on his key chain (J)

Bill Brasky has Cleveland stuffed and mounted in his den. (T)

Bill Brasky's right-hand-man is his right hand. (T)

Bill Brasky once took a crap in the Pacific. They call it Midway. (T)

On Halloween, Bill Brasky trick-or-treats as his hero: Death. (J)

Bill Brasky's idea of chess strategy is to hack up his opponent with an ax, then sleep with the newly widowed wife. Kasperov won't play him. (T)

HAMLET: To be, or not to be . . . (Bill Brasky decapitates Hamlet with only a fierce glance) BILL BRASKY: Problem solved, you whiny bitch! (J)

In the beginning of time, Bill Brasky traded God omnipotence for a bigger bench press. No regrets. (T)

Bill Brasky and the Devil were roommates in college. Guess who's side was cleaner . . . (J)

Once Bill Brasky was walking through the forest and he met Bigfoot. Push came to shove. From then on, Bigfoot was known as "Bigfootuptheass." (T)

Bill Brasky's favorite CD: The Tortured Souls of Hades Wail in Undying Agony -- The Christmas Album. (J)

Bill Brasky once twisted a man's head 180 degrees just so the man could watch his own ass-kicking. (T)

Bill Brasky had two sons: One of them was famous for climbing the Empires State Building and swatting airplanes out of the air, and the other emerged from the sea and flattened Tokyo with his evil lizard breath. Bill Brasky's only daughter became Attorney General under President Clinton. (J)

During WWII, Bill Brasky used to bob for U-boats on Halloween. (T)

When Bill Brasky was in high school, he was the football team's captain. And its defensive line. And its offensive line. And its receivers. And its kicker. And its coach. And in the big championship game, he led his team to victory against the rival team, which was all Brasky too. The final score was too high to be displayed on the scoreboard, so it erupted in a shower of sparks. The sparks lit the Astroturf, and the fire quickly spread, engulfing the whole stadium in a raging inferno and killing thousands. After the fire department finally controlled the blaze, Bill Brasky looked up at the heap of ashes and said, "Good game." (?)

Bill Brasky chops down family trees for firewood. (T)

Bill Brasky's passion is more explosive than the Hindenberg. (J)

Bill Brasky's fist is like a wrecking ball with a gold Rolex. (T)

Bill Brasky WAS the grassy knoll. (J)

Life is an obstructed bowel and Bill Brasky is the enema. (J)

Bill Brasky's sexual prowess is the basis of religion for many African tribes. (J)

Bill Brasky once got in a fist fight with China. (T)

I once saw Bill Brasky make an ice sculpture. Canada was never the same. (T)

Instead of skeet shooting, Bill Brasky goes to the local mall and opens fire. (J)

Bill Brasky's favorite icebreaker is "Kick My Ass!" (J)

Bill Brasky only wears one shoe, because the other one is always stuck in someone's ass. (T)

The four major elements of Brasky: earth, fire, piss, and vinegar. (J)

When Bill Brasky was walking through the forest he ran into Paul Bunyan's giant blue ox. Push came to shove. From then on Paul Bunyan's giant blue ox was known as Bill Brasky's giant blue wallet. (T)

Cleanliness is next to godliness. Red hot sex with four women at once is next to Braskyness. (J)

In WWII Bill Brasky and Rommel decided to fight it out. Rommel's strategy: Use blitzkrieg attacks, outflanking maneuvers, and destroy all supply lines. Brasky's strategy: Step on North Africa. (T)

Bill Brasky's handshake is so firm it has an event horizon. (T. Hawking) {The Daily Brasky (11/20) is in no way a reference to the movie "Event Horizon." Having an event horizon is a characteristic of a black hole. This was a comparison between the crushing force of a black hole to that of Brasky's mighty hand.}

Bill Brasky has four president's faces carved into one of his nipples. (J)

Bill Brasky's mother's name is Rosemary. (J)

Bill Brasky was going to send you a birthday present, but its pretty hard to gift wrap a big punch in the face. (T)

They're planning to do a mural reflecting the greatness of Bill Brasky. The ceiling of the Sistine Chapel is being whitewashed as we speak. (J)

The only difference between playing Ping-Pong with Bill Brasky and the Mei Lai massacre is the humidity. (T)

Bill Brasky's solution to the Middle East crisis: Operation Nuke the Shit Out of Them. (J)

After WWII, Bill Brasky's fists earned the nicknames "fat man" and "little boy." (T)

Bill Brasky's lucky number s 13. Because that's the average number of bastard sons he has in each state. (J)

The Daily Brasky 11/11 (notice the date) Bill Brasky hasn't seen this many ones since his one-man army won World War one with one hand tied behind his back. (J)

Bill Brasky's testicles are so large, that they have smaller testicles orbiting around them. (T)

Bill Brasky's fist is the original everlasting jawbreaker. (T)

Bill Brasky should receive the Congressional Medal of Honor. Why, you ask? Let's just say he "fixed" a certain tree-hugging, folk-singing, Thank-God-he's-a-country-boy's experimental plane. (J)

Once the Devil came down to Georgia. He said, "Bill Brasky, if you can play the fiddle better than me, I will give you this fiddle of pure gold. If you lose I get your soul! Hahaha!" Brasky said, "Nah, I'll just take the fiddle right now." The Devil said, "Damn you Brasky! You outsmarted me again." (T)

On the twelfth day of Christmas, Bill Brasky gave to me Twelve jurors acquittin', Eleven Lords a' bowin', Ten fingers breakin', Nine naughty nymphos, Eight redheaded stepchildren, Seven Satans singing, Six syphilitic hookers, FIVE BROKEN RIBS, Four gangrenous limbs, Three black eyes, Two giant testes, and a good ass-kickin' for free. (J)

For Christmas, Bill Brasky got a lame tie from his wife. He shouted, "This is LAME, woman!" and choked her with it, then strung her up from the tree. (J)

While walking through the woods, Bill Brasky ran into the Black Plague. Push came to shove. From then on the Black Plague was known as the "Black Eye." (T)

The number one cause of divorce is lack of communication. The number two cause is Bill Brasky. (J)

Bill Brasky is to shooting guns what Martha Stewart is to weaving decorative baskets that will brighten up your dreary entryway, pantry, or even bathroom. (J)

Bill Brasky's manhood is so large he uses a scope during sex. (T)

Bill Brasky is to raw freakin' anarchy what George Washington was to our nation. (J)

If a woman dreamed of Bill Brasky, she would wake up pregnant. If a man dreamed of Bill Brasky, he would wake up a woman. (T)

Bill Brasky uses his dinner fork to eat his salad, and vice-versa!! (J)

Bill Brasky's testicles have their own weather patterns. (T)

Bill Brasky's nom de plume: Dick Y. McTeste The Y stands for Y-chromosome. (J)

As much as he hates her morning show and her emasculated co-host, Bill Brasky can't help but admire Kathie Lee Gifford's work ethics. {A reference to her company's use of sweat shops} (J)

They were once going to write a book about the sexual conquests of Bill Brasky. Unfortunately, such a project would require deforesting the entire planet. (T)

Bill Brasky caused the Potato Famine because he made a pot roast. (J)

February used to have 30 days, but Bill Brasky was sick of the Earth taking so goddamned long to get around the sun, so he trimmed it down. (J)

If its with a body on a rope or a beautiful woman, Bill Brasky is a swinger. (T)

The great Midwestern floods marked the first and last time the St. Louis Sperm Bank asked Bill Brasky for a "deposit." (T)

Bill Brasky was Matt Damon's stand-in for the equation-solving scenes in Good Will Hunting. (J)

Though not mentioned in the bible, Bill Brasky once gave God a black eye for impeding the building of his "Footstool of Babel." (T)

Bill Brasky hates Sharisse Beiswanger so much that sometimes he says, "Damn, I hate that Sharisse," and then clubs a baby seal to vent his anger. {You'd have to know Sharisse for that one} (J)

Bill Brasky's favorite Olympic event is throwing the Lilihammer. (T)

Upon returning home from a safari trip in deepest, darkest Africa, Bill Brasky picked through the pile of newspapers on his front porch and found the newest one. The headline read, "Nuclear War Threatens US. Nation Cries Out For Help: 'Where is Brasky?'" Brasky looked around his neighborhood and realized that it had become an irradiated wasteland, and his neighbors were now pus-infested mutants who clawed at their own flesh and were missing limbs. Brasky also noticed that he could see their innards glowing through their bodies and that their eyes had fallen out, leaving behind haunting, bloody sockets. He turned back to yesterday's paper and read the article. It said that he was the only man who could have prevented the bomb from falling. "Oh well," Brasky thought, "at least I bagged me a rhino!" (J)

Years ago, Bill Brasky had a one-night stand with Melissa Etheridge. In the morning, she begged him to stay, but he stood by his principles and left. And you know the rest. (J)

Bill Brasky only wears the finest Italian shoes. His favorite pair is his Moussolini-face wing tips. Bill Gates may have more money than God, but he's po' white trash compared to Bill Brasky. (J)

Bill Brasky was once bitten by a giant cobra. After three nights of writhing in pain and feverish sweats the snake died. (T)

If Bill Brasky were president, he'd change the House of Representatives to the House of Interns. (J)

A vampire once sucked Bill Brasky's blood. Brasky ripped the vampire off his neck and went about his business. The vampire started spitting and shouted, "DAMN, I hate the taste of lava!" (J)

A man once challenged Bill Brasky to a drinking contest. Bill Brasky asked, "What are we drinking?" The man replied, "Shots," as he downed a shotglass of whiskey. Bill Brasky pulled out a revolver and shot the man in the head. "I'll drink to that! Ha Ha Ha." (T)

The circumference of Bill Brasky's neck is equivalent to that of Saturn's outermost ring. (J)

He who laughs last laughs loudest. He who laughs at Brasky gets his ass kicked down his windpipe. (J)

And the Academy Award for Best Ass-Kicking in a Musical or Comedy goes to...Bill Brasky! (J)

Bill Brasky once went to confession just to see how many priests he could drive mad. Eventually the church imploded. (T)

Bill Brasky has more street crud than Harlem. (J)

Bill Brasky once took a bus to work. He needed a paper weight. (T)

Bill Brasky once put Belgium in his waffle iron. (T)

Bill Brasky went on Spring Break and didn't do shit and now his brain doesn't work and he can't think of anything funny. (J)

Every Labor Day Bill Brasky goes to India for a little "sacred barbecue." (T)

Bill Brasky's favorite Nintendo game: Super Beat the Crap Out of the Elderly Brothers. (J)

Originally Bill Brasky was going to play Moses in the Ten Commandments. This was later changed because the burning bush voice seemed feminine in comparison. Brasky also did not like the message it gave kids. (T)

Due to his amazing ass-kicking, Bill Brasky was able to found the first Dr. Shoal's wingtip enema foundation. (T)

Bill Brasky once put his foot in his mouth. The whole thing, right up to the ankle. (J)

When Bill Brasky's computer says "fatal error," it means it. (T)

The sun is to Bill Brasky what a light bulb is to Uncle Fester. (J)

The operator asks Bill Brasky for information. (J)

Bill Brasky forgoes a traditional Easter dinner for a nice big plate of Bunny. (J)

When Bill Brasky was a child, he chopped down his father's favorite cherry tree. His father, seeing the fallen tree, asked Bill Brasky if he did it. Bill Brasky replied,"I cannot tell a lie" as he planted the ax in his father's forehead. (T)

Bill Brasky puts the "glad" in gladiator. (T)

Bill Brasky's foot has been inserted into so many asses it has a proctology degree. (T)

When Bill Brasky was walking through the forest he ran into Rudolf. Push came to shove. From then on Rudolf the red nosed reindeer was known as Rudolf the red nosed venison. (T)

Bill Brasky's left hook is pure antimatter. (T)

Bill Brasky gargles with human blood. (J)

Bill Brasky's other roommate in college was God. Guess who got the top bunk. (T)

When Bill Brasky was walking through the forest he ran into Santa Claus. Push came to shove. From then on Santa Claus was known as Santa Claws-his-own-eyes-out-when-seeing-Brasky-with-Mrs-Claus. (T)

When Bill Brasky was walking in the forest he ran into Death. Push came to shove. From then on, Death was known as the "Grim weeper." (T)

Bill Brasky came on the Mayflower. Every woman on board was instantly impregnated. (J)

Bill Brasky wears solid gold slacks (T)

If ballet involved throwing hatchets at someone's face, Bill Brasky would be one hell of a ballerina. (T)

Bill Brasky made chaos his orderly. (T)

Bill Brasky's manhood is so large, people have tried to feed it peanuts. (T)

The funniest movie Bill Brasky saw this year: TITANIC (J)

If nickels were sons, Bill Brasky could make any woman a keno machine. (T)

When Death takes a holiday, Bill Brasky works overtime. (J)

If a bunny represents the average amount of hate in a person, Bill Brasky's soul can be thought of as a giant deisel-powered robo grizzly on crack. (T)

Once, at a spiritual low point in his life, Bill Brasky found God. And kicked the crap out of him. Brasky felt better after that. (J)

Bill Brasky is the only man I know who wears a steel-belted all-weather radial pinky ring. (T)

How many White House interns does it take to satisfy Bill Brasky? Answer: 8 p.s. - to view answer correctly, bend your neck and look at it sideways. (J)

The mighty fist of Bill Brasky has been called many things, but to the passengers and crew of the Titanic, it will always be known as "Iceberg." (T)

Bill Brasky once fell in love. Oh, wait, it wasn't love. It was a tiger-infested, acid-filled, scum-laden, barbwire-lined pit that swallowed him entirely and chewed away at his soul bit by horrible bit, then spit him out, raw and beaten, covered with bleeding wounds. Sorry, I get the two mixed up sometimes. Happy Valentine's Day. (J)

Bill Brasky shaves with Agent Orange. (T)

Bill Brasky is to Mother Nature what O.J. was to Nicole. (J)

Before the start of every major war in history, Bill Brasky has been noted as saying the same thing: "Hmmmm...I'm kinda bored." (T)

Bill Brasky is to women what 18th century Southerners were to Africans. (J)

If everything is bigger in Texas, then Bill Brasky wears the Lone Star pants. (T)

Bill Brasky is to men what Jupiter is to a Gobstopper. (J)

Bill Brasky kicks so much ass that his shoe horn doubles as a rectal thermometer. (T)

Bill Brasky's favorite Ben and Jerry's flavor: Ben and Jerry. (J)

Bill Brasky's car runs off dolphins. (T)

The golden spike that was the last to be pounded into the Transcontinental Railroad was one of Bill Brasky's hangnails. (J)

During the Great Depression, Bill Brasky was the happiest man alive! (J)

Bill Brasky's car can only be started with an NRA membership card or by firing a gun into the dash board. (T)

Bill Brasky's mattress is covered with flash burn patterns of the silhouettes of women. (T)

The chronicles continue . . . because this page is just too small to hold the Brasky.

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