Useless Ideas 101-106

Zack and Bester are standing outside the sealed-off chambers of the rogue telepaths, while a maintenance worker tries to cut through the barrier. Then another group of Psi Corps telepaths arrives, and Bester frowns at the man in the lead.
"Shatner," Bester growls.
"Shatner?" Zack asks. He looks at the man. "You know, he *does* kind of look like...hey, is he wearing a girdle?"
"He is. A lousy P5 in charge of an entire division of Psi Corps--can you believe it?"
Bester forces a smile when Shatner and the others arrive. "Nice toupee, Bill."
Shatner pats his hairpiece. "Thanks...I...had it custom-made." He turns to Zack. "You...must be the security chief." He waves a hand at the barricaded door. "How...soon...can you get Byron out?"
"Soon," Zack says. "Actually, this is just a distraction. While they're focusing on this, we're sending a remote-controlled droid through the access tunnel Captain Lochley used. It'll flood the chamber with gas, just long enough for us get in there, grab them, and lock them up."
"Excellent," Shatner says.
"And then we can take them back home, re-educate them," Bester says.
Shatner shakes his head. "I...have...new orders from our superiors. We...can't take them back. They're...too dangerous. We...must...DESTROY...the threat they represent to us."
"You're not going to kill them, are you?!" Zack says.
Shatner shakes his head. "No. We're...going to implement...the Samson Protocol."
Bester goes pale. "No!"
"It's...our only choice," Shatner says. "Let me know... the instant...they're taken into custody. I'll...oversee things from there." He starts to walk off, then leans in toward Zack, and says quietly, "Mr. Allen...I've...noticed a distinct...lack of mini-skirts on this station. Is...this your doing?"
Zack nods.
"Fix it," Shatner says. "You...can't have a decent space facility...without mini-skirts..."
"Have you ever seen a Pak'ma'ra in a mini-skirt?"
"No. Have you?"
Zack nods. "Scary."

Not long afterward, the little droid reaches its destination. Inside the telepaths' chambers, Byron hears a hissing sound, and sees the gas pouring into the chamber. He passes out almost instantly.
An hour later, Byron wakes up, looks around. He's not in his chambers anymore, sees that he's in a holding cell. He groans, grabs his head--and frowns, feeling no hair. That's when he notices that he can't hear anyone's thoughts in his mind. He rushes to the mirror, and sees that he's been shaved completely bald! Without his hair, his powers were gone! Without his hair...how would he fight his enemies? How would he lead his people to a better life? How would he pick up chicks?
He falls to his knees and screams. "NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

Meanwhile, in the security office, Zack and Bester watch the monitors as all the bald-headed former telepaths shriek away in their cells.
"So you're telling me," Zack says, "that it's actually the hair that gives you guys your powers?"
Bester nods. "Have you ever seen a bald human telepath? Funny how Lyta's hair grew back so fast--and so...oddly. Must have been that Vorlon tinkering."
"Oh, I don't know," Zack says. "I kind of like the mohawk look on her."
"You're a sick man, Mr. Allen."
Just then, a security guard comes running into the room. "Zack! That hair that was shaved off of the telepaths...some of it's missing!"
"Missing?" Zack says. "Who would steal hair?"
The man shakes his head. "I don't know, but maybe it's got something to do with that Shatner guy--he's disappeared."

At that very moment, down in Medlab, Shatner strokes the long, flowing hair he's just had implanted into his head. Admiring his new multi-colored hair in a mirror, he throws away his toupee.
"At last! The power...of dozens of telepaths is mine! I...can feel it flowing into me! They'll...scoff no longer! I'll...destroy all who oppose me! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA--" He breaks off, frowns. "Odd, I...suddenly have an urge to brood..."

Useless Idea #102: Day of the Dead, Revisited

The Brakiri are preparing to celebrate their Day of the Dead. They purchase a portion of the station from Lochley, and hole up inside it. As their energy barrier goes up, separating the Brakiri sector, a timer bomb hidden inside the station's ventilation system goes off, and gas hisses through every air duct, flooding the rest of the station. People begin dropping like flies; within minutes, practically everyone on the station is dead. Only a lucky few, in isolated areas, survive.
One of these few is Lyta. As the gas clears out, she emerges and begins wandering around amidst the dead, horribly decomposed bodies. Then she sees the bodies beginning to stir. Growling and drooling, they rise to their feet and begin to shamble toward her, arms outstretched.
Lyta rolls her eyes. "Oh, for the love of..."
She runs, along the way gathering up other survivors--G'kar, Corwin, Delenn, Zooty, and Zack. They flee through the station, pursued by the risen dead, and barricade themselves inside the war room. While the dead begin pounding on the doors, trying to get in, Zooty flips out, throwing away his machine and shaking Lyta around.
"We're gonna die!" he screams. "We're. Gonna. DIE!!!"
Delenn walks up and slaps him. "Snap out of it!"
Zooty shakes himself. "Okay, I think I'm--"
Delenn slaps him again.
"Hey!" Zooty shouts. "I said--"
Delenn slaps him again.
"Ow!"
G'kar pulls Delenn away.
"Sorry," Delenn says, shaking her head. "Once we Minbari get started, it's hard to stop..."
Corwin walks up to Lyta. "So, what's the plan? They're going to get in here sooner or later."
"I'm thinking, I'm thinking," Lyta says.
"Well, think faster!" Zack says, watching the doors begin to bow inward.
"Okay, I've got it!" Lyta shouts. She leads everyone to a maintenance hatch, and they all begin crawling through the bowels of the station. Eventually they come out in a corridor--and the dead folk nearby immediately begin to converge on them.
"This way!" Lyta says, and they run down the hallway.
"This is the alien sector!" Zack says. "What--?"
"Trust me," Lyta shouts. "It'll work!"
They turn a corner and see a group of dead aliens up ahead, cutting them off.
"Good plan, Lyta!" Zack scowls.
"We're gonna die!" Zooty cries, curling up in a ball on the floor.
"They won't hurt us!" Lyta says, pointing at the rotting aliens. "Don't worry!"
Everyone braces themselves for death as the aliens approach--but the decomposing Pak'mara shuffle right past them, and fall upon the dead folk who've been pursuing Lyta and the others.
"Lunchtime!" Lyta says, as the Pak'mara begin snacking on the walking corpses. She smiles at the others. "I figure by morning, they'll have the station completely cleared..."

Useless Idea #103: The Healer

Sheridan, after being healed by Lorien, returns to the station with him. One day not long after, he sits in his office, waiting for Lorien, who's late for a meeting. Sheridan, bored, turns on a television and stares in shock when he sees Lorien on the screen, on a show being broadcast from the Zocalo.
Immediately, Sheridan heads down to the Zocalo, where he finds Lorien standing on a stage, surrounded by hordes of people.
"I *healed* Sheridan!" Lorien shouts, raising his hands. "The power of the LAWD flowed through these very hands and brought the dead to LIFE! Praaaaaise Jeeeeee-sus!"
"AMEN!" the crowd shouts.
"And I'll tell you, it wasn't easy!" Lorien says. "No, sir! The Devil had his claws that boy, but the power of the good sweet LAWD was enough to drive him away! Can I get I get a hallelujah, my brothers and sisters?"
"HALLELUJAH!" the crowd shouts.
"Can I get an amen?"
"AMEN!"
"The good LAWD gave me this gift, and told me to share it. Share it, He told me, and I--wait a minute," he says, holding a hand to his head. "I think I feel a healin' comin' on!" Lorien rushes to the edge of the stage, where several specatators have already been brought up by Lorien's assistants. He stands in front of the first person.
"So, my dear brother in the LAWD, who are you, and what has the Devil done to you?" he asks.
"Michael Garibaldi," Garibaldi answers. "And the devil stole my hair!"
"STOLE HIS HAIR!" Lorien shouts at the audience, hopping up and down. "STOLE HIS HAIR!" Then he turns back to Garibaldi. "You are so brave, my brother, to endure the Devil's deeds like this. Tell me, brother Michael, do you have deep pockets? Are you willing to pay for salvation? Because the deeper the pockets, THE DEEPER THE HEALIN'!" He holds his arms out, and the audience cheers.
"I'll pay anything!" Garibaldi shouts. "Just give me back my hair!"
"That's just what we want to hear!" Lorien shouts. He grabs the sides of Garibaldi's head. "I can feel you in there, Devil! I say, be GONE from this holy man, you spawn of Hell, and trouble him no MORE! In the NAME of Jeee-sus, BE GONE!" He pushes Garibaldi away. Garibaldi faints as he falls backward, and Lorien's assistants grab him before he hits the floor. Hair is already starting to sprout on Garibaldi's head.
The audience cheers.
"Yes, brothers and sisters," Lorien shouts, "you've got to dig deep for that money! Don't be stingy in the face of the good sweet LAWD! He'll find you! Oh, yes! He'll know you didn't pay your fair share! And if you pay enough to me tonight, I can bribe ol' St. Peter, have him look the other way while you slip through the Pearly Gates! Praaaaaise Jeeee-sus!"
Just then, Sheridan finally arrives at the stage, and walks over to Lorien.
"I can't have you doing this," he says quietly. "It's completely against regulations. And totally immoral."
"What if I cut you in on the profits? Huh? Huh?" Lorien says, nudging Sheridan with his elbow. "Do you have any idea how much I'm making off of these people, completely tax-free?" He tells Sheridan, sees Sheridan's eyes widen, and smiles at him. "So? Fifty-fifty split?"
"Seventy-thirty."
"Sixty-forty?"
Sheridan considers it, then he turns to the audience, throwing his hands wide. "Praaaaaise Jeeee-sus!"

Useless Idea #104: The Obsession

Vir has had strange impulses tugging at his mind, but he's managed to keep them under control. Then one night at a banquet on the station, he slaps a pile of spoo on his plate...and stares at it in fascination. He dumps more and more spoo into the pile, while the other diners stare at him. He starts molding the pile with his fingers, then he takes his fork and starts pulling it down the sides to make grooves in the spoo...
Then he sees everyone watching him, and hurries away, muttering apologies.
A young girl watches him go, and tugs on her mother's sleeve. "Mom, is Vir going crazy?"
"Yes, it would appear so," the mother says.
Just then, a station security guard comes up and looks at the girl. "Sorry," he says. "No children with speaking parts are allowed to survive an episode on this station."
He whips out his gun and kills the kid.

Later, Londo goes to Vir's quarters and finds the man building a small sculpture of a mountain.
"What is this?" Londo says, gesturing to the sculpture. "This obsession..."
Vir points at the mountain. "I know this! Somehow, I feel like I should know what this is..."
"This is madness, Vir! You're neglecting your duties; if you don't abandon this, I'll find a new aide!"
And Londo storms off.

The next morning, Vir wakes up, stares at the mountain sculpture. He realizes what his obsession is costing him and angrily grabs the sculpture and tries to pull it off the table. He only breaks off the top section...and is suddenly gripped by an epiphany at what he sees. He treks to the station gardens, filling wheelbarrows with dirt and plants and taking them through the halls back to his quarters.
Londo sees him on one of these trips. "This is insane, Vir!"
"No, no it's not," Vir says. "I'm perfectly fine. Don't be scared. Did you ever look at something and thought it was crazy, then looked at it again, and found it wasn't crazy at all?"
"No..."
"Everything's going to be fine," Vir says. "Just close your eyes and hold your breath!"
A child tags along behind Vir, carrying a plant. As Vir throws his debris into the room, the child says, "Like this?" and throws the plant through the doorway. Immediately a ppg shot flies out of nowhere and kills the kid.
"You are hopeless, Vir," Londo says, and wanders away.

Later, Vir is standing in his quarters, grimy and tired, a huge, detailed sculpture standing before him. He pauses in front of a table with a can of Budweiser on it (PRODUCT PLACEMENT!). The television is playing a Budweiser commercial (MORE PRODUCT PLACEMENT!) then cuts to a newscast from Earth. The reporter tells of some "Shadow plague" that's struck an area of Wyoming, while a familiar mountain looms in the background.
Understanding suddenly dawns in Vir. He hops the first transport for Earth, and rents an antique station wagon. He defies barricades, soldiers, gas and Frenchmen and makes it to the mountain. There he finds a sophisticated setup, and soon very cool ships begin buzzing about. A technician begin to pipe out tones of communication on a keyboard; but unfortunately, he's playing from a Yanni songbook and the ships fall from the sky, their pilots bored to death. The technician switches to a very catchy little five-note number, and things perk up.
Then there's a rumbling, and Vir looks up to see the mothership arrive. "That thing would kick the First Ones' asses!" he says.
The mothership hovers over the ground, jams a bit with the keyboard technician, and a hatch opens. Shadowy figures begin to wander out. A technician wanders over to them, and asks one, "What's your name?"
"Catherine Sakai."
"Catherine Sakai," another technician says, making a mark on a board. "Missing since season one...Susan Ivanova, missing since season four...Dr. Kyle, missing since the pilot episode..."
More and more people come out and are led away. Then something else steps out of the hatchway and stands before them.
Vir stares. "It's...it's..."
"It's Richard Dreyfuss!" someone shouts.
And indeed it is...He stands there silently, and moments later hordes of tiny, pygmy versions of himself, mini-Dreyfusses, come scurrying out beside him.
"What the--?!" Vir stares as the mini-Dreyfusses come over to him and begin to tug him toward the ship.
A Frenchman comes over to him. "Monsieur Cotto, I envy you..."
Vir wanders up the ramp into the ship. He looks around. "This is SO COOL! Finally *I* get to do the cool stuff!"
As the ramp closes and the ship lifts off, Richard Dreyfuss comes over to him.
"It's amazing you're still alive after all this time," Vir says.
"Yeah, well, they were good with that life-expanding sort of thing," Dreyfuss says. "The cloning didn't work out too well, though." He points at the mini-Dreyfusses. "Still, the pay's good, and I get to travel for free..."
"So what now?" Vir asks. "Exploring strange new worlds? Seeking out new life forms and new civilizations? Boldly going where no man has gone before?"
"Actually, since this IS technically an abduction, our first order of business..." He snaps on a rubber glove. "Anal probe. Just bend over and try to relax, okay?"
Realizing he's got nowhere to run, Vir starts pounding on the door, trying to get out...

Useless Idea #105: Outbreak

Sheridan's up in C&C with Lochley, watching a Warlock-class destroyer approaching the station.
"It'll be good to see Ivanova again," Sheridan says.
Lochley shrugs. "Whatever. Open a channel, Corwin."
Corwin works his console. "Something's wrong," he says. "I can only give you audio...go ahead."
"This is Captain Lochley of Babylon 5 calling Earth ship 'Mutual Misunderstanding'. Captain Ivanova?"
The reply comes back a moment later: "Moooooooo..."
Lochley looks at Sheridan. "Moo? Was I just 'moo'ed at?"
"Scan the ship, Corwin," Sheridan says.
Corwin does so, and frowns. "I'm detecting no human lifesigns..."
"Send a team over there," Lochley says. "I want answers."
A team shuttles over to the ship, and calls back to C&C.
"Captain Lochley, this is Inspection Team One. We've found Captain Ivanova."
"How is she?" Sheridan asks.
"She's a dog, sir."
Sheridan frowns. "No need to be insulting. I always found her rather attract--"
"No, sir. I mean she's been physically transformed into a dog. A pug, to be exact. The communications officer is a cow. The gunner is a goat..."
"What?" Lochley says. "Get back over here, and bring Ivanova with you; Doctor Franklin should be able to figure this out."
The team returns, and the team leader goes to the command deck, carrying a tiny dog in his arms. The dog sees Lochley and begins to growl.
"That's Ivanova, all right," Sheridan says.
Ivanova drops to the floor and walks over to Lochley. Ivanova starts to lift her leg, and Lochley kicks her clear across the room. Ivanova hits the wall and falls to the floor, whining.
"Oh, shut up," Lochley says. She turns to the team leader. "Get her down to Medlab. And if she pees on the floor, shoot her."

The next day, Franklin reports to Lochley. "Ivanova's been infected by some kind of virus," he says. "Along with everyone on her crew."
"What sort of virus?"
Franklin shrugs. "Beats me. Whatever it is, it's already infected the station; I've had dozens of reports coming in of mysterious transformations..."
"YOU'VE been getting reports?" Lochley says. "Why haven't *I* been getting any reports?"
"Well...we haven't been seeing you around that much lately, and..." He sees the look on Lochley's face and flees from the room.

Over the course of the day, more and more people succumb to the virus. Dogs and cats and chickens and all else crowd through the hallways.
Franklin's down in Medlab when Garibaldi comes staggering in, reeking of booze.
"I'm losing my mind, Stephen!" Garibaldi says.
"No, you're not," Franklin says. "Just take it easy. What makes you say that?"
"I was in the council chamber, and Londo was talking, and then...he turned into a parrot. Right there! Just sprouting those feathers and shrinking down...And Sheridan turned into a German shepherd, and G'kar turned into an iguana. And Delenn..."
"What about Delenn?"
Garibaldi's face turns dreamy. "She turned into this beautiful butterfly, delicate and lovely...and then she..."
"Then she what?"
Garibaldi shrugs. "Well, then G'kar ate her. Just snapped her right out of the air."
Suddenly, black feathers begin to sprout out of Garibaldi's arms. He watches them, horrified, and moments later has been transformed into a duck.
"Why am I not surprised?" Franklin says.

Lochley later goes up to C&C, and finds the place deserted. She's about to step out when a small, somewhat rubbery-looking dog's head pokes up from behind Corwin's console. The dog's wearing a bow tie, and has a cigar in its mouth.
"Corwin?" she asks.
"Yep," the dog answers. "You got that right."
"You can talk?" Lochley frowns. "Why can you talk, when no one else can?"
"Beats the hell out of me. Just go with it, okay?"
"Oookay."
"Anyway," Corwin says. "I just wanted to...well, I haven't mentioned it before, but I just wanted to tell you that you make a great addition to the team. I mean that. You're a terrific person and you make a great captain...FOR ME TO POOP ON!"
"WHAT?!"
"No, but seriously. I've gotta admire you for keeping in such good shape, and promoting fitness with that 'Butt Sculptor' product you endorse. It's really a great product...FOR ME TO POOP ON!"
"All right, you little..." Lochley whips out her gun, but before she can pull the trigger, she transforms into a cat and decides to slink away...

Days later, after everyone on the station has been transformed, a ship approaches Babylon 5. On the ship's bridge is Major Ryan, who'd fought in the battle for Babylon 5's independence. He hails the station, and is surprised when the image of a dog's head appears on the screen. He's even more surprised when the dog speaks to him.
"Hey, Major Ryan!" Corwin says. "Welcome back!"
Major Ryan frowns. "Uhhhh..."
"Listen, Major Ryan," Corwin says. "I've gotta say, it's great to see you again. Really. How's MacGyver doing, by the way? You seen him, lately? You two were great together. That was really such a wonderful show...FOR ME TO POOP ON!"
Ryan shakes his head. "I knew I should have laid off the Dust..."

Useless Idea #106: Mascots, Mascots, Mascots!

A ship approaches Babylon 5, and comes to a halt just outside the station.
"Captain," Corwin says to Lochley. "I'm picking up some unusual readings from that ship. Zeroing in with scanners..."
The image on the screen narrows down to an antenna on the ship's hull, and the small ball stuck to the end of it.
"Looks like one of those Jack-in-the-Box antenna balls," Corwin says.
They can see the ball shivering, and a voice comes over the speakers: "S-s-s-s-s-oooooo...c-c-c-c-old..." Then it emits a high-pitched tone for several seconds, and goes back to shivering.
"The signal," Lochley says. "At last."
"Huh?" Corwin asks.
"Nothing! I didn't say a thing!"
"Ooookay..."
Lochley leaves the command deck, heads down into Downbelow. In one of the corridors, she passes by a large yellow M&M sitting on the floor. The tired-looking thing has the corpse of a smaller, red M&M in its hands and is munching away on it, watching Lochley go by.
"Hey, sweet thing!" a large purple creature says, lounging in a doorway. "Come over here! You one fine lookin' woman. You wanna work for me? Huh? You wanna work for Grimace? Join my stable of whores? Good money..."
A yellow bird comes up beside Grimace. "Don't waste your time on her, Grimmy. I'm your number one."
Grimace pushes the bird away. "Get out of my face, Early Bird. Don't bother me while I'm recruitin'." He turns back to Lochley. "So, what say, honey?"
Lochley takes out her ppg and shoots him, and continues on.
Eventually she comes to a large chamber, where she finds a giant, bloated white rabbit lounging on a platform. The thing weighs hundreds of pounds and is munching away at a bowl of fruity cereal. A droid stands beside the rabbit.
"Okay, Rabbit," Lochley says. "I've gotten the signal. Now I need a diversion to cover my escape. Can you handle it?"
"Ho, ho, ho! Ha, ha, ha!" the Rabbit laughs deeply, then mumbles something unintelligible. The droid translates.
"The illustrious Rabbit," the droid says, "says that everything is in place. But he wonders why you are so eager to leave the station?"
"Because I'm tired of this place. People don't seem to like me, and don't want to give me a chance. They just think I'm the 'scab' Ivanova. I'm tired of it. I'm going somewhere I'll be appreciated." Lochley looks at the Rabbit, at his bowl of cereal. "But I've got a question for you, though, Rabbit: I thought Trix were for kids. Why are you--?"
The Rabbit laughs again, speaks again.
"The mighty Rabbit," the droid says, "would remind you that there are no children on this station; not for very long, anyway."
"Ah." Lochley nods, then frowns. "I thought there weren't supposed to be any robots here, either?"
"Uh..." the droid looks around nervously. "I'm not...that is...you see, I'm just..."
Suddenly a ppg blast flies out of nowhere, and the droid goes down in a shower of sparks. "Damn it," it says as it falls.
Lochley bows to the Rabbit and heads for the docking bays, trusting the Rabbit to keep his end of the deal.

Up on the Zocalo, not long after, Londo is sitting at the bar, talking with several people. "...and so I took some of those Viagra pills," he says, "and for the next week, everyone thought I was a coat rack!"
Just then, he hears a muttering in the crowd and looks over to see dozens of chihuahuas moving in on the Zocalo. One of them, wearing a beret, leaps atop a table and shouts, "Viva Gorditas! Destroy them all, my brothers! The streets will flow red with the blood of the non-believers!"
The tiny dogs fall on the people like wolves, and the screaming starts...

Meanwhile, in the mess hall, Garibaldi grabs a bowl of cereal and sits down next to Zack, who's eating the same thing--as is everyone else in the room.
"Kitchen ran out of everything else, eh?" Garibaldi asks. Zack nods.
Garibaldi takes a bite. "Mmmm. They're magically delicious."
Just then, a tiny figure in green appears in the doorway. "What's this, then?" he shouts. "Tryin' to steal me Lucky Charms?"
"Gah!" Zack shouts, pointing. "LEPRECHAUN!!!!"
The leprechaun grins evilly. "Time to put a stop to this, then. GET 'EM, LADDIES!!!"
Suddenly dozens of leprechauns pop up out of nowhere. The ppg blasts start to fly...

Up in C&C, Sheridan arrives, goes over to Corwin. "Why'd you call me, Corwin? Where's Captain Lochley?"
"That's just it, sir," Corwin says. "We can't find her anywhere. And I'm not qualified to handle this."
"Why? What's going on?"
"We've got a riot of chihuahuas down on the Zocalo, and they're spreading to the adjoining decks. And something's happening in the mess hall...Wait, I'm getting a signal from the mess hall, audio only. It's Mr. Garibaldi."
"Put him on!"
Corwin flips a switch. Over the speaker, they can hear crashing and screaming, the sounds of ppg fire.
"Michael?" Sheridan says. "Can you hear me?"
"Sheridan!" Garibaldi says. "We've got a situation here! You'd better get some people down here now!"
"What's going on, Michael? What happened?"
"They just came out of nowhere!" Garibaldi shouts. "They--hey! No! NO! Aaaaaggghh! GET OFF ME, YOU IRISH FREAKS!!! AAAAAAGGGGHHHHH--!" The signal dissolves into static.
Corwin looks up at Sheridan. "We lost him." Then he looks at his board again. "We've got an unauthorized shuttle launch..."
"Hail them."
Corwin does so, and the image of Lochley appears on the screen.
"Elizabeth?" Sheridan says. "What the hell are you doing?"
"Going somewhere I'll be treated better," she says. "Don't try and stop me!"
Sheridan shrugs. "Okay."
The shuttle docks with the ship waiting outside the station, then the ship turns around and heads into the jumpgate.
Sheridan looks at Corwin. "Sooo...any ideas on how to kill chihuahuas?"

Days later, Lochley's ship comes out of hyperspace. It heads for a small planet, and she shuttles down to a palace. Thousands of people are there to greet her. She stands on the steps, looking around, and a man in a sweater comes up to her.
"What do you think of our world, Captain? Incredibly amazing, isn't it?"
"Amazingly incredible!" she shouts. "But how much will I have to pay to stay here?"
"Stay here? Why, you can be our queen for just four easy payments of $19.95! And we'll even throw in the free shammy! Isn't that right, audience?"
The audience erupts in applause.
Lochley throws her hands wide. "My people...!"

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