Useless Ideas 107-111

While a studio audience applauds, a man with a bandage on his nose stands on the stage, holding a microphone as he addresses the camera.
"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is Montel Rivera-Springer-Lake, and welcome to the Montel Rivera-Springer-Lake Show. Before we get into things, I want to thank everyone for all the calls I've received since yesterday's little scuffle." He rubs the bandage on his nose. "I'm happy to report that the surgery went successfully, and they removed the chair leg from my rectum without any complications."
The audience applauds.
"Anyway...today's topic," Montel goes on, "is one that's near and dear to my heart: 'The New Women of Sci-Fi, and the Fans Who Hate Them'. Let's meet our first guest! She hails from Babylon 5...please welcome Elizabeth Lochley!"
Lochley comes out on stage and sits down. There's a bit of applause from the crowd, mostly drowned out by the booing.
"So, Lochley," Montel says. "I understand you've been having a problem with some of the fans..."
"You've got that right," Lochley says. "They despise me, just because I replaced Ivanova."
"I see," Montel nods. "Well, you must admit, she was a popular character..."
"She's *gone*," Lochley snaps. "Get over it!"
There's booing from the crowd.
"Well, on that cheery note," Montel says, "let's move on. Our next guest comes to us from the Delta Quadrant. Please welcome Seven of Nine!"
More applause and booing from the crowd as Seven takes her seat beside Lochley.
"Welcome, Seven," Montel says.
"Greetings," Seven nods.
"You've been getting a bit of flak from some fans as well, correct, Seven?" Montel asks.
"That is correct."
"And does that concern you, not having the approval of some of them?"
Seven raises an eyebrow. "Approval is irrelevant."
Montel points a finger at her. "You know, I like your attitude, Seven. Self-reliance! I think we need more of that today!"
There's a smattering of reluctant applause from the audience.
"Moving on...Our next guest has come a long way," Montel says. "From the mining ship Red Dwarf, please welcome Kristine Kochanski!"
More clapping and booing from the crowd as she sits down.
"Now, tell me, Kristine, why do some of the fans have a problem with you?"
"Well, I think it's the same problem Elizabeth over here has," Kochanski says, gesturing at Lochley. "Some fans see me as nothing more than a replacement for Rimmer. And they think I ruin the whole 'boy's club' aspect of the show."
Montel nods, staring at her dreamily. "You know, that accent of yours is just--huh?" He snaps out of it as a stagehand nudges him. "What? Oh! Right! Moving onward, let's take some questions from the audience."
Montel moves up to the audience, holds the microphone in front of a woman.
"This question's for any of them," the woman says. "Don't you think you're insulting to all women, glorifying some impossible, ideal image?"
"Impossible?" Seven says. "Having strong women in positions of authority is an impossible ideal?"
"That's not what I meant! You're there as nothing more than T&A appeal!"
"What," Lochley says, "should we be horribly deformed, or something? Would that work better?"
The audience member gives up and sits down.
Montel goes to a man and holds the microphone before him.
"I have to say," the man begins, "that I like a little T&A as much as the next guy, but I have to agree that these women's roles are really demeaning to other women..."
"Perhaps," Montel says. "Or perhaps your 'dislike' of these women stems from something else? Perhaps you're lashing out at them because deep down, you know that without a substantial cash payment, no woman that beautiful WILL EVER COME WITHIN TEN FEET OF YOU! ISN'T THAT RIGHT?! ADMIT IT!!"
The man stares at Montel a moment, then bursts into tears and flees the studio.
Montel nods. "Just as I thought."
Montel hurries down to the stage and kneels in front of Kochanski. He rests a hand on her knee. "I am so *very* sorry you had to witness that, Kris. Can I call you Kris?"
"Uh...I suppose..."
A stagehand comes up to Montel. "Sir?"
Montel ignores him.
"Sir?"
Montel keeps staring at Kochanski. "Go away!"
"But sir, you have to introduce the next guest!"
Montel growls and stands up. "Oh, very well." He turns back to the audience. "Our next guest is someone Captain Lochley has heard much about. Please welcome Susan Ivanova!"
Ivanova comes in amidst roaring applause. She sits down next to Lochley.
"Now, Ivanova, why are you here?"
"I just wanted to come here and tell this whore"--Ivanova gestures at Lochley--"that she's nothin' but a no-good scab, tryin' to take my place like that!"
While the audience applauds, Lochley thrusts her hand toward Ivanova's face. "Talk to the hand, bitch! Talk to the hand!"
"Did you know," Ivanova says, "that she was married to Sheridan, and couldn't hold that marriage together?"
The audience "ooh"s.
"Yeah?" Lochley snaps. "Well, at least I didn't get my man killed!"
The audience gasps.
Ivanova snarls, and a moment later launches herself at Lochley, and they go tumbling backwards over the chair. The audience roars as the security guards rush in to break things up. While Seven and Kochanski watch in bafflement, the audience turns violent, fights breaking out all over the place.
"People, please!" Montel shouts. "We--Aggh!"
He goes down as someone smacks a chair into his back.
"Damn it!" he shouts at the man, as he writhes in pain on the floor. "You were supposed to use the *breakable* chair! Weren't you at rehearsal? Christ..."
Suddenly a chair swings toward the camera, and the picture dissolves into static: *fssssssssssssssssshhhhhh*
A minute later the picture resumes. Montel, battered and bloodied, is on his hands and knees, while chaos still rages in the background.
"I fink I lost a toof," Montel says, hunting around on the floor. "I fink I--oh!" he looks up at the camera. "Well, that's today's show. Join us tomorrow, when our topic will be: "Transvestite Minbari Midgets--What's Up With That?'"
Another chair swings in and crashes into the camera. The picture turns again to static...

Useless Idea #108: David Corwin's Day Off

One morning, Corwin wakes up and hears a beeping from his comlink. He answers it. "Yeah?"
"You're supposed to be on shift in a few minutes," Lochley tells him.
"Uh..." Corwin fakes a cough, changes his voice to sound more phlegmy. "I'm really sick, Liz."
"I told you," Lochley hisses, "not to call me that where other people can hear, especially not over open channels!"
"Sorry. By the way, you left your socks over here again," Corwin says. "And I'm really not feeling very well. I'm just gonna take today off."
"You're pushing it, Corwin," Lochley says. "You've already missed nine days this year."
"Sorry. But I--" he leans over and makes fake vomiting sounds into the comlink.
"Ugh," Lochley groans. "Take some medication or something. I'll call you again at five...Lochley out."
Corwin shuts off the comlink and looks into the camera, his voice returned to normal. "Yeah, I know it's childish, but whatever works. But she was right--this is the last day I can skip this year. So I'd better make the most of it..."
He punches the comlink, waits a few moments, then hears a grunt from the receiver. "Marcus?" he says.
"Go away, Corwin."
"We're taking the day off, Marcus. Get out of that cryo-tube..."
"No."
Corwin looks into the camera. "If you were faced with participating in a season that so many fans were whining about, you'd pretend you were dead, too." He talks back into the comlink. "I'll see you in a few, Marcus..."
"No, you won't."

A few minutes later, Marcus shows up at Corwin's quarters.
"You won't regret this," Corwin says, and leads him away.
They head down into the areas near the docking bays, and stand in front of a closed storage chamber. Corwin fiddles with the lock, and the door slides open to reveal inside...
"The 1992 Kawasaki Ninja," Marcus says, while Corwin starts to fondle the bike. "The only one of it's kind on the station. Garibaldi would kill us if he knew we were here. It is his love, it is his life--"
"It is his fault for not getting a better lock," Corwin says, climbing aboard it. "Come on, let's go."
Marcus shakes his head. "He'll kill us."
"Yeah, but you're already dead, right?"
Marcus shrugs and climbs in behind Corwin, and they go racing off...

Minutes later, Garibaldi arrives at the storage chamber and finds his bike missing. He curses up a storm. "Corwin," he growls, and stalks off.

Meanwhile, Corwin and Marcus have pulled into McBari's to eat. They go to place their order, only to find Ivanova working the counter in a paper hat.
"Susan?!" Marcus says.
"Yeah?" Ivanova says. "What do you want?"
"How'd you wind up here?"
"It was the only way I was allowed back on the show. You gonna order, or what?"
Corwin nods. "I'll have the Valen Vittles..."
"You want fries with that?"
"Sure."
"Susan. We can get you out of this place, if you want..." Marcus begins.
"I'll have to ask my manager." She turns to the fat Minbari wearing a tie. "Hey, can I take the day off?"
He says something in Minbari.
"What'd he say?" Corwin asks Marcus.
"He said 'Back to work, human, or I'll stick your face in the fryer'."
They get their food and leave.

Elsewhere, Garibaldi is at the door to Corwin's quarters. He punches the intercom.
"Who is it?" Corwin's sickly voice asks.
"Garibaldi. Open up."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm afraid I can't come to the door right now. In my weakened state, I could take a nasty fall and subject myself to further work absences. Thank you for dropping by."
Garibaldi scowls, cracks the lock. When he enters the room, he sees Corwin lying in bed. "Listen, Corwin," he says, approaching, "I know you--"
He breaks off, staring at the figure in the bed. He reaches forward to poke it with a finger--and his finger passes right through Corwin.
"Hologram!" Garibaldi shouts. "I knew it!"
He storms out of the room.

Meanwhile, after catching a baseball game in the gardens, as well as some other touring about, Marcus and Corwin sit on the motorcyle, waiting for a crowd to disperse so they can drive on. They hear a loud blatting behind them, and turn to see Vir, dressed all in black leather with spiked helmet on, driving up alongside them on a Harley.
"Nice hog, Vir!" Corwin shouts over the sound of the engine.
"Yeah, I know," Vir says with a sneer.
Corwin whispers to Marcus, "You know, he just hasn't been the same since he attacked that Drazi..."

In the security office, Garibaldi pores over the security cameras.
"Aha!" he points at the screen as he sees Corwin and Marcus racing with Vir down a corridor. "I'll get you this time, Corwin..." He races away.

Later, Corwin and Marcus are heading back toward the storage chambers.
"So, what'd you think of today?" Corwin asks. "All the things we saw."
"Didn't see much," Marcus says.
Corwin stops the motorcycle and stares at Marcus, amazed, then stares into the camera, then back at Marcus. "Wha--wha--We saw *everything* today! We saw Grey 17, and a baseball game, and those guys who live inside the walls and chant, and what Mack and Bo *really* do when the camera isn't following them around...how could you not be impressed?"
"You haven't sung to me yet."
"And I'm not going to. You know how bad my voice is."
Marcus ponders it. "Yeah, you're probably right."
They drive on. Soon they reach the storage chamber and leave the motorcycle. As they start to leave, they hear a buzzing and a fly lands on the headlight. Marcus takes out his staff and smashes the bug--and the headlight as well.
"Oh, great!" Corwin shouts. "How--"
The motorcycle engine starts to glow.
"What did you do?" Corwin says.
"I didn't--"
The engine glows hotter, and they run, sealing the door behind them. They hear the explosion within, and look inside to see the cycle's parts scattered all over the place.
"You're takin' the heat on this one," Marcus says.
"What?"
"I'm already dead, remember?" Marcus grins and runs off.
Corwin glances at his watch, sees the time and starts dashing through the corridors...

"I'm tellin' you," Garibaldi shouts to Lochley in the turbolift, on their way toward Corwin's quarters, "he's not there! He's scamming you!"
"So you've said," Lochley answers, rolling her eyes.
"This time, I'll catch him in the act," Garibaldi says.

Meanwhile, Corwin pelts through the corridors--stopping along the way to introduce himself to a couple of bikini-clad women lying around (hey, why not?)--and makes it back to his quarters just in the nick of time. He hears Lochley and Garibaldi outside the door only moments later, and jumps into bed. Even as the the door opens, he realizes he's left the hologram projector on, and throws a baseball at it to shut it off just as Lochley and Garibaldi enter the room.
"See?" Lochley says, gesturing at Corwin. "Right where he should be."
"But--" Garibaldi protests.
"Get out of here, or I'll put you in the brig."
Garibaldi goes trudging away, glaring at Corwin.
Lochley looks at Corwin. "So, where are my socks?"
Corwin reaches under the bed and tosses them to her. She leaves, and Corwin turns to the camera.
"Yep, life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, they'll never write an episode about you..."

Useless Idea #109: Warnings

It's the Brakiri Day of the Dead, and a portion of the station is sealed up behind a weird energy field. In his quarters, Lennier is meditating when Morden shimmers into existence before him.
"You!" Lennier shouts. "What are you doing here?"
Morden sits in the chair. "I'm here to warn you."
"About what?"
"'Crusade'."
Lennier frowns. "Huh?"
"'Crusade'. It's the spin-off they're planning after this series ends. It's imperative that you don't appear in it."
"Why? And why would you try to help me?"
"I'm helping because I'm a darn nice guy. As to why you shouldn't appear...I've got one word for you: 'Booker'."
"'Booker'?"
"Yeah, it was that '21 Jump Street' spin-off that lasted about a week. I'm not saying that's gonna happen with 'Crusade', but better safe than sorry..."
"Riiight. Mind if I ask you a question?" Lennier points at Morden's hair. "Where'd you get the new haircut? Have they got stylists in the afterlife, or what...?"

Meanwhile, Garibaldi's in his quarters watching his vintage tapes of "BJ and the Bear", when a man in a policeman's uniform appears before him. Garibaldi's jaw drops. "Enos?"
The policeman from 'The Dukes of Hazzard' nods. "That's right. We've got things to discuss, Michael." He goes over and shuts off the video screen.
"Hey!" Garibaldi protests. "That episode had the seven lady truckers in it!"
"Focus, Michael!" Enos shakes him. "There's something coming. Something called 'Crusade'. STAY AWAY FROM IT. I know you'll be tempted. I know *I* couldn't resist when they gave me my own spin-off, 'Enos'...and look what happened! Before you knew it, I was back in Hazzard County, chasin' that tease Daisy...But I'M NOT BITTER!" He looks around. "You got anything to drink...?"

In Londo's quarters, the Centauri faces two older humans, a man and a woman. The woman has red hair and gaudy clothes.
"Staaaaaanley!" she says to her companion. "He's not gay!"
"Are you sure?" the man says, looking at Londo suspiciously. "With those clothes, and that hair..."
"Mr....Roper, was it?" Londo says. "I can assure you I do not lean in that direction. Now why are you here?"
"Don't appear in 'Crusade'," Mrs. Roper says. "We tried that route, but 'The Ropers' just went straight down the toilet..."
"Don Knotts," Mr. Roper says, shaking his head. "They replaced us with Don Knotts..."

Lochley is visited by her old friend Zoey.
"So you're saying this spin-off is a bad career move?" Lochley asks.
Zoey nods. "You've gotta remember, that for every 'Laverne and Shirley', there's a half dozen or so 'Three's a Crowd'-type washouts in the spin-off arena..."

Much later, after the spirits depart and the energy field breaks down, Lochley goes to find Sheridan and Delenn. She tells Sheridan of her experience, and adds, "Oh, I've got a message for you. From someone named Kosh?"
"What is it?"
"'If you go to 'Crusade', you will die.'"
"I see..."
"This is most distressing," Delenn says.
"Oh, and there was something else," Lochley frowns. "Ah! 'Only the fool forgets 'Joanie Loves Chachi'. Beware.'"
Delenn breaks into tears. "Oh, John, you mustn't go! The horror! The horror...!"

Meanwhile, in the realm of the dead, Marcus Cole looks over the spirits that were sent to Babylon 5. "Did you tell them?"
Morden, Enos, the Ropers, and Zoey all nod.
"Perfect," Marcus leers. "Word will spread, and *all* the big guns will stay away from 'Crusade'. Then they'll *have* to bring me back to star in it! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...! I am the God! I am the God...!"

Useless Idea #110: Wyle E. Morden, Suuuuuuuper Genius...

Sheridan's trapped on the balcony at Z'ha'dum, with Anna closing in on him. He tries to call in the White Star, tapping on his wrist control, but nothing seems to happen. (Meanwhile, back on the station, Ivanova wonders why the shuttle bay doors keep opening and closing.) Sheridan looks over the edge of the balcony, down into the black pit below. He jumps...and falls...but instead of disappearing into the pit, he slams to a halt when he reaches it, as if hitting a stone wall, and dies instantly.
Off to the side, Morden stands there with a can of black paint and dripping paintbrush in his hands, snickering to himself. He turns to the Shadows standing near him.
"See?" he says. "I told you the painted tunnel trick would work..."

Useless Idea #111: An Old Enemy...

A ship hangs in hyperspace, and a shuttle docks with it. A bald man with a scar leaves the shuttle and goes to a conference room, sitting down at the head of the table. He looks over the people gathered there.
"Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to my hyperspace lair. I am Dr. Evil. Now, some of you I know, some of you I'm meeting for the first time." He looks at them each in turn. "Mr. Bester, Talia Winters, Mack and Bo, and Penn and Teller...or should I say, Rebo and Zooty?" He raises a pinky to his lips.
"Anyway," he goes on, "you all know that my cryogenic capsule was found drifting through space a few years ago by the Shadows. I managed to escape from Z'ha'dum unharmed. But look what they did to Mr. Bigglesworth!" He holds up a hairless cat with Shadow implants all over its body.
"I blame Sheridan for this," Dr. Evil says. "If he had stopped the Shadows sooner this would never have happened. Now the time for my revenge is at hand. Here's the plan: we unleash a genocidal disease upon one of the races--oh, say, the Markab?" He lifts a pinky to his lips again.
"Dr. Evil," Bester says, "that's already been done."
"Oh. Well, plan two: we send a weird alien probe to Babylon 5 that will destroy the station if they prove themselves too intelligent."
"Sir," Talia says. "That also has been done."
"Throw me a frickin' bone here, people! Okay, how about this--we plant planet-destroying bombs on several of the Alliance worlds and threaten to detonate them unless Sheridan pays us..."--the camera zooms in close--"...one MILLION dollars!"
Bo clears his throat. "Sir, we don't use dollars anymore."
"Okay," Dr. Evil says. "We threaten to blow up the planets unless he pays us..."--camera zooms in again--"...one MILLION bars of gold-pressed latinum!"
Bester shakes his head. "It's credits sir. Credits."
"Are they evil credits...?"

A few days later, Sheridan calls a meeting of his most trusted associates aboard B5. "We've received a terrorist threat from someone named Dr. Evil," he tells them. "He'll start destroying planets within the week. We need to come up with a plan to stop him."
"Well," Garibaldi says, "the only way he can detonate all those bombs is from some sort of roving base of operations, a ship."
"Why's that?" Franklin asks.
"It's complicated," Garibaldi says. "Technical stuff."
"You don't know, do you? You're just making it up."
"Well...yeah. But it sounds plausible, doesn't it? Or maybe I should throw in some inverse tachyon pulses or quantum irregularities to make it sound more impressive..."
Sheridan waves it away. "Whatever the case, we need to find someone to fight this Dr. Evil. Any ideas?"
"Actually..." Franklin says.
Franklin leads them down to the cryo-lab, goes down the line of tubes. "Okay, here we've got some woman named Ripley, and Marcus, of course, and some guy named Austin Powers, Han Solo..."
"Gimme Marcus," Sheridan says.
They thaw Marcus out, and Captain Lochley tells him of the mission. "We need your skills for this job, Marcus."
"Sure," Marcus says. "But tell me one thing, Elizabeth: do I make you horny? Randy?" He starts posing around her. "Do I make you horny, baby? Yeah!"
Lochley looks over at Franklin. "Did you get some wires crossed, or something?"
Franklin shrugs. "Could be."
Just then, Delenn walks in. Marcus looks her over, then nudges Sheridan. "Hey, Johnny-boy, I'll bet she shags like a minx, eh? Eh?"
"Whatever," Sheridan says, rolling his eyes. "We've got a White Star waiting for you."
"Groovy, baby!" Marcus grins. But later, when he looks out a viewport at the White Star he says, "No, no, that's all wrong. Here's what it needs..."

The next day, the White Star--now with a psychedelic paint job--flies off from the station. Marcus scours the galaxy, and eventually finds a Warlock-class destroyer. He shuttles over and finds Ivanova is the commander.
"Marcus!" Ivanova says, when he goes to the bridge. "You're alive!" She hugs him.
Marcus turns to the security chief, and points at Ivanova. "Arrest this person!"
"What?" the chief says. "I can't arrest Captain Ivanova!"
Marcus punches Ivanova out, then looks back at the security chief. "That's not Ivanova--it's a man, baby!" He pulls off the wig to reveal...Lennier!
"A cunning plan," Marcus says, "using one of the Alliance world's own ships to send the detonation signals!" He finds the single, giant red button to disarm the planet-destroying bombs, punches it.
"Well done, Marcus!" Lennier shouts. "But you'll die anyway!"
Lennier hits another button, and the ship's computer starts counting down to self-destruct. Laughing, Lennier disappears down a secret hatch.
Marcus flees back to his White Star and zooms away, while the crew flies off in their escape pods. The destroyer explodes behind them...
Marcus then sends a message to Babylon 5, and Lochley appears on the screen. Marcus grins at her. "Mission accomplished, baby! Yeah!"
"Good work. But get back here soon, I've got another mission for you."
Marcus grins lewdly. "Oh, behave..."

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