Useless Ideas 95-100

A shuttle arrives on the station from Epsilon 3, and Brain, the new ruler of the galaxy, steps out. There to greet him are Sheridan and the other Alliance council members.
"Hail, Brain!" everyone calls, dropping to their knees.
Brain gestures for them to rise. "I'm here to see how the repairs are progressing, and to see how my citizens are adapting to life under my benevolent rule."
"Repairs are progressing well," Sheridan says. "And we're all adapting very well, aren't we?"
Everyone nods.
"But if you wish to see for yourself..." Sheridan takes Brain on a tour of the station, their final stop being C&C.
"Everything seems to be progressing smoothly," Brain says. "I'll be returning to Epsilon 3 now; keep up the good work."
"Excuse me, great Brain," Londo says. "But it occurs to me that, with you being up here, you don't have the firepower of the Great Machine to protect you, if someone should attempt to harm you. Not that I would even think of such a thing, of course..."
Brain snaps his fingers, and a hologram of Pinky's head appears.
"Do not attempt to adjust your television!" Pinky calls. "I control the horizontal. I control the vertical. I can even make the image reeeeally squiggly!"
The holgram wobbles for a moment, then returns to normal.
"See?" Pinky says. "Narf!"
"As you can see," Brain says, "I'm still well protected. But I appreciate your concern, Londo."
"Hey," Pinky says, "what's this button do?"
Moments later, a huge beam shoots out from Epsilon 3, and disappears into the jumpgate.
Brain slaps a hand to his forehead and hurries out, taking his shuttle back down to the planet's surface.
A short time later, back in C&C, Corwin turns to Sheridan. "Sir, you wanted to know where that beam went?"
Sheridan nods.
"Well, we just picked up a report that it destroyed a convoy ship that was headed here. The ship was carrying our latest supply of nameless extras."
"Damn it!" Sheridan says, smacking a console. "Without those nameless extras to kill off, we're going to have to kill one of the major characters again."
Everyone looks at Marcus Cole, newly released from Medlab. His eyes go wide and he bolts out the door.
Sheridan scowls. "We can't let this sort of thing continue any longer." He turns to Londo. "Come along, Londo, we must prepare for tomorrow night."
"Why, Sheridan?" Londo asks. "What are we going to do tomorrow night?"
"Same thing we'll do every night, Londo: try to take back the galaxy!"

They're dinky, they're Sheridan and the Em-per-or Lon-do!

Useless Idea #96: A Special Report

A man is standing in Downbelow, speaking into a camera:

"This is Montel Rivera-Springer-Lake, reporting for ISN. I'm here aboard Babylon 5, in what is known as Brown sector. It was here, in this very room, that Byron, leader of the rogue telepaths, and fellow telepath Lyta Alexander engaged in what can only be described as freaky sex. It was an event that transformed Byron from a peace-seeking, non-violent shepherd of his people into a crazed megalomaniac.
"Now, some people maintain that this transformation is due to Byron's learning about the Vorlon manipulation of humans, of their role in the creation of telepaths for 'cannon fodder'. But is this truly the cause? Is it? Is it *really*?
"We here at ISN have done some digging, and discovered some disturbing links between this incident and other events in the recent past. Consider the following timeline:

"In 2257, around the time that Ambassador Kosh first arrived on the station and was poisoned, Ambassador G'kar of the Narn Regime openly sought sexual favors from Lyta Alexander. His hope was to father a Narn telepath. Witnesses *say* Ms. Alexander turned him down, but can we be sure of this? Couldn't her 'refusal' have been a smoke-screen to hide her relationship with G'kar? For indeed, not long afterward, G'kar was implicated in the poisoning of Ambassador Kosh.
"Coincidence? Or something more?

"Ms. Alexander then returned to Earth. She was there when, in 2258, President Santiago was assassinated on the orders of then-Vice President Clark. Clark himself later became a power-mad dictator. Sources tell us that, mere days before Santiago's assassination, Ms. Alexander delivered a pizza to Vice President Clark's residence, and stayed there for a while. An innocent visitation, or something else entirely?

"Lyta Alexander then went rogue, and her activities for much of 2259 are somewhat difficult to track. During this same period, Ambassador Londo Mollari of the Centauri Republic began exhibiting increasingly erratic behavior, growing more and more volatile and escalating the war with the Narn to near-genocidal proportions. A source close to Ambassador Mollari, a source we'll refer to as 'Cir Votto', confirms that, early in that year, Ms. Alexander paid a covert visit to the ambassador's quarters, and that Ambassador Mollari's descent into madness began shortly thereafter.

"Ms. Alexander next began a quest to enter Vorlon space, a quest she completed successfully. Exactly what took place there is uncertain, but telepathic flashbacks that have been described to us indicate that it involved some level of nudity on her part. Roughly a year or so after this 'encounter' with the Vorlons, the Vorlon race--once content to be a non-intrusive 'guiding hand' for the younger races--went on a galactic rampage, destroying entire planets.

"Lyta Alexander later joined with Sheridan's so-called 'Army of Light' in their campaign against the Shadows, and later in the fight to liberate Earth. During the Earth liberation, she was stationed on Mars. Witnesses have reported that at one point during the campaign, Ms. Alexander stole a shuttle and flew off to a rendezvous with the White Star fleet, which was on its way to Earth. She stayed aboard one of the White Stars for a time then returned to Mars. Shortly thereafter, Commander Susan Ivanova began raving about being 'the right hand of vengeance', and began telling her enemies that she was 'death' and that 'God sent me'. Could this have been a simple display of bravado? Maybe. Or maybe not.

"And now this most recent episode with Byron.

"The evidence is clear. The conclusion is undeniable. As reporters, it's our duty to warn all citizens of the Alliance: DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, HAVE SEX WITH LYTA ALEXANDER. Your very sanity depends upon this.
"The Alliance Council is discussing the problem even as we speak, and are reportedly examing a variety of chastity belts in the hopes of protecting the people from this menace.
"This reporter has also learned that Ms. Alexander was recently involved in a relationship with the station's security chief, Zack Allen. The depth of this relationship is unknown at this time, but we'll be keeping an eye on his future behavior. If something happens, we'll let you know.
"This is Montel Rivera-Springer-Lake, reporting for ISN. Thank you, and good night."

Useless Idea #97: Closing the First Chapter

Sheridan and Londo are in Sheridan's office. Sheridan is reviewing a data pad, while Londo lounges in a chair, drinking.
"Taking the galaxy back from The Brain has been far more difficult than I anticipated," Sheridan says.
"We do seem to have a bad track record in that regard," Londo says.
Sheridan shakes his head. "The exploding cheese scheme didn't work; neither did the Narn opera. Or the frozen telepath conga line. Or the 'encounter suit pinata' party."
"Or the overly dramatic speech you recited to him," Londo offers.
Sheridan frowns. "That wasn't part of a scheme."
"It wasn't? Oh. Right. Ha! Just kidding there! I'm such a kidder..."
Sheridan scowls at him. "Right. But tonight, I think I've finally come up with a foolproof plan."
"Sounds great!" Londo says.
Sheridan stares at him.
Londo rolls his eyes and sighs. "Oh, very well, if you insist: Sounds great--NARF!"
"Better," Sheridan says. "Here's the plan--we're going to capitalize on Brain's ego, by giving him and Pinky symbols of our undying devotion."
Sheridan takes out a couple of devices attached to tiny belts. "When they put these on, and we activate them, they'll be hurled through time and space, and be out of our hair forever!"
"Wow!" Londo says. "What a--Uh, I mean, egad, that's brilliant Sheridan! Poit!"
"Let's get to it," Sheridan says.
The two of them take a shuttle down to Epsilon Three. They go to the heart of the Great Machine, where Brain is hooked in. Pinky's sitting nearby, watching Rebo and Zooty on a video monitor.
"Why do you disturb me, my loyal subjects?" Brain says.
"Oh, Great Brain," Sheridan replies, as he and Londo kneel. "We have brought you these paltry tokens of our esteem." He holds out the belts.
"Pinky," Brain says, "stop watching that insipid program and bring me these tokens."
"Ha, ha!" Pinky says, rolling on the floor and pointing at the monitor. "Zoot, zoot! Ha, ha!"
"Pinky!"
Pinky walks over. "Sorry, Brain! Zoot, zoot! Ha!"
Pinky takes the devices and clips one around Brain's waist, and the other around his own. "Oh, I say, these are quite stylish. Zort!"
"Yes," Brain says. "This does add a degree of fashionable excellence. You have done well, my subjects."
"You haven't seen anything yet," Sheridan says. He whips out the control box and hits the button.
Instantly, the belts begin to glow, and Pinky and The Brain's forms begin to shimmer away.
"What are you doing?" Brain shouts.
"Ha, ha!" Pinky cheers. "Beam me up, Scotty!"
The two mice flicker away.
"YYYYYYYYYYYES!" Sheridan cheers. "We've done it, Londo! Are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"I think so, Sheridan," Londo says. "But I'm not sure that's anatomically possible--even for a Centauri..."
Suddenly a new voice arises: "Well, it's about freakin' time!"
They turn to see Draal running in. He hooks himself back into the machine, and sighs.
"Our work here is done," Sheridan says. "Time to restore the Alliance--and my own total, unyielding rule over it! Hahahahahahahahaha!"

Meanwhile, Pinky and The Brain tumble through the space-time continuum. Finally they come to a halt, and their time-belts disintegrate.
"Where are we?" Pinky says, looking around.
"From the crystalline structures, I'd say we've landed on Minbar," Brain answers.
They begin to walk along. Pinky leans over and whispers to Brain, "Brain, why are all these Minbari wearing bell-bottoms?"
"I have no idea," Brain says. "And if I'm not mistaken, that one over there is doing the 'Funky Chicken'."
"And what's that music playing?" Pinky asks.
"*Those* are the soulful strains of the Village People," Brain answers.
Brain goes up to one of the Minbari. "Excuse me, but could you direct me to the nearest starport? I have to get back to my home."
The Minbari shakes his head. "No businesses are open on this sad day. We have lost our leader this morning--Valen is dead! Dead!"
The Minbari wanders off in tears.
Brain paces. "We must have been thrown backwards in time, Pinky! Are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"I think so, Brain, but what if Vir won't fit into a space-suit?"
"No, don't you see? These people will need a leader!" Brain starts to walk off. "Come along, Pinky, we must prepare for tomorrow night."
"Why, Brain? What are we going to do tomorrow night?"
"Same thing we'll do every night, Pinky: try to take over Minbar!"

They're dinky, they're Pinky and The Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain...

Useless Idea #98: Creative Differences

Sheridan is standing on the balcony at Z'ha'dum, overlooking the huge chasm. Anna is slowly approaching him, trying to coax him to the side of evil.
"No!" Sheridan shouts. "No! I'll never join you!"
"If only you knew the power of the dark side," Anna says. She pierces him with her gaze. "Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father..."
"He told me enough! He told me you killed him!"
"No," Anna says. "*I* am your father."
Sheridan frowns. "Wait, wait, wait." He holds his hands up in a "time-out" gesture. "Sorry, folks, but I'm just not getting this scene at all."
A voice off-camera shouts: "CUT!"
A dweebish beanpole of a man wanders into the shot, comes over to Bruce Boxleitner. "Bruce--buddy, baby, booby, what's the problem?"
"It's this scene, BM," Bruce says, bringing out a copy of the script. "This whole thing where she says she's my father. How can that be, when she's a woman? I just don't get it."
"Ah," BM says. "See, it's a Star Wars reference. You know--Vader and Luke in Cloud City, overlooking the huge drop? And you and Melissa here on the balcony overlooking the huge drop? Get it--kind of a humorous juxtaposition?"
"Oh," Bruce says. "Well, I don't think--"
"You know what *I* think?" BM says. "I think you should just SHUT THE HELL UP! We're not paying you to think, actor-boy! Just read the lines. Or maybe you want to go back to Kate Jackson? Huh? Is that what you want, Scarecrow?"
Bruce hangs his head. "No, sir."
"That's better."
BM wanders away, and Melissa grabs the front of Bruce's shirt.
"Will you stop it?" she hisses at him. "You're embarassing me!"
BM claps his hands, raises them to the crew. "Okay, people! Let's make it happen!" He drops down into his chair. "We'll pick
it up after 'I am your father'. Annnnnd...ACTION!"
"No," Bruce says, backing away. "No, that's not true! That's impossible!"
"Search your feelings," Melissa says. "You know it to be true."
"Noooo! Noooooo!"
Melissa reaches into her pocket, pulls out a cylinder. She clicks a button, and with a *pop-hiss*, a blade of light appears.
"Melissa?" Bruce says. "What are you doing? This wasn't in the script!"
"Not in *your* script," Melissa says. "But you know how BM likes to keep his actors in the dark. Now, sweetie, be a dear and hold your hand out, okay?"
"Wait!" Bruce shouts, as Melissa raises the blade. "I--AAAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!"
Behind the camera, one of the producers leans over and whispers to BM, "Are we going to be able to use that? The dialogue's off."
"Oh, sure," BM says. He shrugs"We'll just loop in some new dialogue later." He looks at an assistant with the initials JMS stenciled on his shirt, and points a finger at him. "You! Get me some coffee! NOW!!!"

Useless Idea #99: The Confrontation

It's come out that the Drazi are supporting a group of raiders that are attacking a helpless world. The Drazi fleet is on its way there, planning to set an ambush for the Rangers--little knowing that President Sheridan has outguessed them, and has the Ranger fleet waiting for the unsuspecting Drazi.
Sheridan calls a council meeting, and confronts the Drazi ambassador.
"You're working with the raiders, aren't you?" Sheridan says. "You've been doing it for years--violating the very principles of the Alliance!"
"Please," the Drazi ambassador begs. "You must let me contact my people, call back our fleet! They'll be destroyed!"
"Not until you admit it!" Sheridan says.
"All right!" the Drazi shouts. "All right! I admit it!"
"And now," Delenn says, "you must admit to your people's other crimes."
"What other crimes?" the Drazi says.
G'kar glares at the ambassador. "Isn't it true that the Drazi were responsible for the invention of 'new Coke'? Isn't it?"
"Well...yes, but...Wait a minute!" the Drazi says. "We're wasting time here! My people's lives--!"
Londo leans forward, overrides him. "You were also the one on the grassy knoll in Dallas, weren't you? Admit it!"
"Okay! Okay! It was one of us!" the Drazi shouts. "Now, please--!"
Sheridan grabs the Drazi's shirt, shakes him. "And the greatest atrocity of all: You. Cancelled. STAR TREK!!!"
"Yes, yes, it was us!" The Drazi throws up his hands in frustration and disgust.
"Damn you people!" he shouts. "When I came down here, I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!"
Suddenly three men in red robes burst into the room. The leader shouts, "NO ONE expects the Spanish Inquisition!", and they begin poking the Drazi with pillows...

Useless Idea #106: The Trial

Captain Lochley is wandering down a corridor, when suddenly a group of people approaches her, guns in their hands. She turns around to flee, sees more armed assailants approaching, cutting her off.
"What do you want?" she cries.
"We want you off this station!" the leader answers. "Things have gone straight to hell since you showed up. We want things to go back the way they were, and we figure if we get rid of you, it'll happen."
Cackling maniacally, the leader begins to fire, and the others join in. Lochley falls dead to the floor.
The killers try to flee, when suddenly they're surrounded by security guards, led by Zack.
Zack looks at Lochley's body. "Looks like we didn't get here in time. Sorry, Liz..."
The killers are locked up, and eventually they're brought into a courtroom and lined up along one wall. The audience in the chamber watches them. The judge, a man named Richard D., steps down from his bench and paces before them. He stops before the leader.
"Your name is Whiney?" the judge asks.
"Winny," the leader corrects.
"Of course. And you freely admit to killing Captain Lochley?"
Winny nods. "It was for the good of everyone."
"I see." Richard D. riffles through the papers he's carrying. "And I see you and your people also claim to know the future--and how the events so far this year will fit into that future?"
"That's right," Winny says. "Up until recently, nothing that's happened this year has been of any importance, and will have no bearing on future events. It's all been completely pointless so far."
"That's an intriguing talent you have."
Winny nods. "We're just that good."
"Well," Richard D. says, "let's move on, then. I have to inform you that there have been a few changes made in the legal system recently. Lawyers are gone; you defend yourself, in a different trial format. Are you ready?"
"Uh...sure."
Richard D. throws his hands wide. "Then let's play the Feud!"
The audience begins to cheer, and the room changes: the wall behind the judge's bench rotates to show a huge tally-board; the bench itself sinks into the floor, and a small podium rises up to replace it; two other ranks of podiums rise up--one in front of Winny and his people, the other across the room directly opposite them.
"Okay!" Richard D. claps his hands. "And now let's meet the challengers--the Army of Light!"
Sheridan, Garibaldi, Franklin, Delenn, Lennier and Lyta file into the room, stepping behind their podiums.
The judge waves Sheridan and Winny forward, and they step up to the buzzers at the judge's podium, while the audience applauds.
"All right, first question," Richard D. says. "Five answers on the board." He pauses. "We surveyed a hundred people and asked: With regards to people who enjoy the same work of entertainment, what constitutes a 'true' fan?"
Winny slaps the buzzer. "Not blindly accepting what's given you, when you don't think it meets a high enough standard?"
*BUZZ!*
"Sorry," Richard D. says. "How about you, Sheridan?"
"Uh...a willingness to see how things play out, without making snap judgements too early?"
*BUZZ!*
"Sorry," Richard D. says. "To be honest, it was a trick question. *Nothing* makes one fan 'truer' than another. But, since Winny here was the first to jump in, his side has control."
Winny and Sheridan return to their podiums. Richard D. walks over to Winny. "Okay, three answers on the board, Winny. We asked a hundred people: name a true fact about Captain Lochley."
Winny ponders it. "She's...a lousy, no-talent waste of space!"
"Good answer!" his people cheer, clapping.
Richard D. turns to the tally-board. "Suuuurvey SAID!"
*BUZZ!*
"Ooooh, sorry," Richard D. says.
He goes to he next person, repeats the question. The person doesn't hesitate at all, shouting, "SHE'S A WHORE!"
"Good answer, good answer!" the others cheer.
"Suuuurvey SAID!"
*BUZZ!*
The next person looks to her people for support, and finally ventures, "She's not Ivanova."
"Suuuurvey SAID!"
*BING!* The bottom-most bar swivels around. Winny and his people applaud.
The next person answers quickly, "She's not a man."
*BING!* The bar directly above "She's not Ivanova" swivels around.
The next person sweats a bit, and blurts, "She's a scum-sucking, disease-infested blight on the station!"
"Suuuurvey SAID!"
*BUZZ!*
Richard D. goes over to Sheridan's group, repeats the question. "Name a true fact about Captain Lochley. You could win it all with the right answer, people," he adds.
Sheridan hears the suggestions of the others, and finally answers. "I'm gonna go with...She's not as annoying as the people who constantly complain about her."
The others clap. "Good answer!"
"Suuurvey SAID!"
*BING!* the top bar swivels around. Sheridan and his people begin dancing around in glee, while the audience applauds.
"Congratulations," Richard D. says. "You've won the grand prize--a spin-off series! Enjoy!"
Richard D. goes over to Winny and his crew. "Ah, but don't feel left out, Winny," he says. "Just for playing our game, we're going to give you all a lovely consolation prize. Instead of a mind-wipe, we'll shuttle you off to a luxury prison colony. And as an added bonus--we cloned Lochley after her death, and staffed the prison with the clones. So you'll spend the rest of your natural lives surrounded by dozens and dozens of Lochleys. Enjoy!"
As the guards come in and drag the wailing prisoners away, Sheridan and his group begin dancing around Richard D...and Richard D. throws his hands wide, smiling at the audience. "Good night, everybody...!"

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