Sum Zero

4/28/97
SUM ZERO
'Zero Sum In Some Nothingness - A Review'
by C.Schmidt ®

Disclaimer: Why would I want to claim it should be the question. So I don’t now all is cool, and everyone lived happily ever after.

Opening Scene -

We are at some type of big huge conglomerate type modern day sweat shop for the middles class a.k.a. unskilled assembly line or if you prefer work... umm place. One lady is jonesing really bad for a smoke. She does as all loyal employees when faced with this craving does and breaks the rules of her employment and sneaks off to have a smoke in the lady’s room. She gets there whipes out the smoke and her latest copy of People Mag, waits ever so patiently for the other lady to leave then fires up that smoke.... Wait is it just me or is the FOX network really harping on the smoking thing tonight? First there was "King of the Hill," and they were all lighting up, then there are these ads for "The Mask" and we all know Jim Carry is Smooooooooooking! Then we get this show with the lady in the john token on a smoke and of course there is lots of the CSM later...

Anyway back to the story, this lady is sitting on the can, mag in hand and cigarette hanging out the mouth. We see lots of bees swarm into the bathroom. Of course she doesn’t cause she is reading the article on "Before they were stars," and drooling all over the picture of David Duchovny. Finally she notices that the lady’s room is loaded jam backed full of bees. They sting her and she dies a miserable disgusting death. Later she is found by a co-worker. Meanwhile sometime later in an office we someone looking at pictures of the smoking dead worker on a computer. This person deletes the files then gets up to leave and we see that it is in fact the ever-so-honorable bald hunk Skinner. But Whoa Nellie! He is in Mulder’s office and snooping around on Mulder’s computer...

Cue the tune!

"Let me tell ya ‘bout the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees and the moon. And this thing called love."

‘The Birds and The Bees’ Joel Akins

Enter Ninja Skinner, as he is dressed in black and ready to rumble. Skinner goes to the crime scene and carefully removes all the evidence of this latest gang bee killing so it apears to never have happened. He vacuums the ashes, scrubs the floors then polishes them too! Wow! Think I could get him to come over my place? He also sees some gooey yellow stuff up in the little space between the ceiling and the wall. Skinner then goes to the morgue, steals the body and takes it to a place of burning. Later he even poses as Mulder! Of course all this takes a good chunk of the episode, but we don’t care cause next we see Skinner at is home undressing and Whoo Hoo does Skinner have a bod! Mulder arrives at Skinners pad....

SKINNER: Oh, Agent Mulder you scared me.

MULDER: Sorry sir, but I needed to talk to you and I think your phone is off the hook.

SKINNER: Oh, look it is... I needed some sleep and forgot to put it back on. So what brings you here at 4am?

MULDER: Well, someone was in my office, sitting in my chair, and messing with my stuff! And I don’t like it!

SKINNER: Maybe it was Scully she is always going through your junk and always sits at your desk because we are to damn cheap to buy her one of her own.

MULDER: Nope wasn’t Scully. She is in the hospital, or so she said. Something about that cancer. I think she is faking it though and just wanted to go and see if she could catch the filming of that new Sharon Stone flick. But something tells me she has been off dancing with robots again.

SKINNER: Scully dancing with robots? Um... I don’t get it.

MULDER: Well neither do any of us, hence my addiction to pornography but I a have friend that has a friend that came across this video, and Scully is dancing with robots, in a very erotic way too. I am just thinking it is a phase that or the cancer is really messing with her brain.

SKINNER: Well it is brain cancer so that might explain it.

MULDER: Anyway I need your help because like I said someone, not Scully, has been going through my stuff and they tried to keep me from this info.

SKINNER: What info would that be?

MULDER: Dunno, seems this cop e-mailed me with some real juicy x-file type story. But before I could follow up on the lead someone went and killed the guy. You wouldn’t have any ideas now would you sir?

SKINNER: Who me? Nah.... So tell me more about this video of Scully dancing with robots. Can I get a copy?

Skinner takes is trash out, meets some of those bad guys in the parking lot under his apartment, then goes back to sleep. Only to be rudely awakened by Mulder on the phone. Mulder tells him stuff then Skinner calls the CSM. Skinner is not pleased and decides to look into what the CSM had him cover up. So he goes back to the bath room where the bee stung chick was found. And low and ‘bee’ hold more bee wax! Skinner rips a hole in the side of the wall and finds more bees!

Later Skinner pays a visit to the bee guy and they exchange larva. Skinner goes back to Mulder’s office and snoops around. He finds the uni-blond's addy in Mulder’s rolodex then is surprised when Mulder comes in. He makes up some lie about needing a date and if Mulder thinks Maria a.k.a. the uni-blond would go out with him. Mulder laughs then shows him some photos, then Skinner leaves.

Skinner calls the uni-blond and questions her. Later the bee guy is swarmed up on by bees and dies. Skinner goes to see Mulder who shows him the dead bee guy then tells Skinner about the bees with the small box virus. Skinner then guys to question the co-worker of the dead bee-stung smoking chick. He figures out the bees were in a package that was stored next to the lady’s room.

Meanwhile Mulder discovers that it was Skinner that posed as himself. Mulder is in shock and almost chokes on a sunflower seed. Also at this time in another place the CSM meets with his stuffy friends a.k.a. the consortium, and talk bees. The fat Italian guy asks if the trail run is ready to go. Then in a play ground somewhere in middle-class America is over run with bees. All the children are dying and the doctors freak, till Skinner shows up and informs the George Cloonly look alike it is small pox. The military is called in and the uni-blond arrives as their commander...

SKINNER: So what brings you here?

UNI-BLOND: Well you peeked my curiosity Mr. Skinner. I was interested in the bee thing and I wanted to meet the man behind that sexy so voice. So here I am.

Skinner goes home and finds his gun as been returned. Mulder comes to confront Skinner.

MULDER: You bastard!

SKINNER: What? I didn’t do nothing now put that gun away.

MULDER: Lair! It was you that posed as me and now none of the paranoid UFO freaks trust me any more cause they think I killed that cop! You have ruined what I have spent most of my live trying to accomplish, a good reputation with conspiracy buffs!

SKINNER: I didn’t do it!

MULDER: Lair!

SKINNER: Look this is the gun that shot that cop. But I didn’t do it! It was that evil CSM he is behind it. See remember when I told you to keep your nose out of Scully’s business and health.

MULDER: Yeah so... you weren’t complaining when I got you a copy of that robot video or that movie "The Turning," so what’s that got to do with this?

SKINNER: Well I made a deal with the CSM sort of like the Charlie Daniel’s Band "The Devil Went Down To Georgia," deal only I didn’t go to Georgia and it wasn’t the devil.

MULDER: Yeah so....

SKINNER: He set me up!

Mulder and Skinner take the gun in for testing. Yep this is the gun but the serial number has been removed so Skinner would be off the hook if they actually followed the law and looked into the matter. Instead Mulder lies, so now not only does Skinner owe the CSM big-time he also owes Mulder too!

Afterwards Skinner goes and pays the CSM a visit.

SKINNER: Leave the light off I like the dark now.

CSM: Why Skinner what brings you here?

SKINNER: Shut up! Actually go ahead and talk, I don’t care cause I’m gonna blow your sorry ass of a face off.

CSM: Oh... well you know this isn’t the first time someone has pointed a gun in my face, and it won’t be the last. Scully still hasn’t had her chance yet. So go on shoot, I don’t mind dying. But if you do kill me I won’t be able to save your precious Scully.

SKINNER: You have no intention of doing that never did!

CSM: Oh... what makes you sure. Hey I was the one that told those bad train driving Japs to bring her back so I already saved her live once. And as far as you know I could already have an anti-cancer cure. But if you shoot me you’d never know now would ya?

The phone rings and there is a stare off contest.

CSM: Look either shoot me or move so I can answer my phone!

Skinner shoots and misses. Then leaves. CSM Answers his phone...

CSM: Oh, hiya Maria.... Yeah, well he was just here. What was that? Oh Mulder, well tell him what ever... I don’t know.... Keep him busy.... Sleep with him if it will distract him.... No your right that won’t work with Mulder, he has the hots for Scully but is in denial. Oh, by the way so does Skinner. This is amazing, these two men, and I have to admit that I have often lusted after the red-headed bodacious wonder agent myself. But they are so infatuated with Scully that when a woman that will put out enters their measly little lives they opt for the Ice Queen.... Um... well on that... Yeah, tell Mulder what he wants to hear.... Yeah, that if the Bill’s can get a replacement for Kelly I’ll let them win this year, but that ain’t going to happen as they let Wurffel be drafted by the Saints.... But yeah tell Mulder what he wants to hear.

THE END