Small Potatoes

4/21/97
SMALL POTATOES
"Small Potatoes" In Nothingness Review
by C.Schmidt ®

Opening Scene -

Some lady is rushed into the delivery room. She screams, sweats, screams some more than gives a good strong hard final push, Hey! That’s what the doctor always told me to do when giving birth! Of course I didn’t listen because I was to busy cursing at the doctor while plotting my husband’s death. Anyway she gives the final push and out squirts the kid. The doctor promptly catches the baby does the obligatory, oh, Ah, you have a beautiful baby.... Whoa! All gasp! The new mom gets a panic look on her face and demands "What? What’s wrong?" The doctor informs her, "nothing.... nothing at all. You have a beautiful baby girl. Now just sit there and relax while the nurse pushes real hard on your tender belly as to squeeze the after birth out."

The doctor takes the baby into another room and informs the nurse "We got another one!" Has he holds the baby. The newly born baby girl wags her tail with joy.....

Cue opening theme -

"If I were a carpenter, and you were my lady, would you marry me anyway? Would you have my baby?"
‘If I Were A Carpenter’ Tim Hardin

Mulder and Scully are tooling around in the X-Files-mobile a.k.a . The Taurus....

MULDER: What ya reading?

SCULLY: "The Star."

MULDER: Whoa! Scully is reading the tabloids? Quick call the x-files department! Wait that is us, and why are you reading that rag?

SCULLY: Getting the latest on the JonBenet thing that and I wanted to see if they ever found O.J.’s Heisman. Oh look here is a story you’d love.

MULDER: What? Is it on that hot chick from "The Naked Truth?"

SCULLY: That skinny blond sitcom bimbo?

MULDER: Yeah!

SCULLY: Well I don’t know has I’m still reading about the UFO cult, but the thing I thought you might find interesting is the story on babies being born with tales.

MULDER: Why would I find that interesting?

SCULLY: Because there might be UFO’s or aliens involved.

MULDER: Cool! Let’s go check it out. And hurry up and skim through that rag... let me know if you find any good gossip.

Mulder and Scully go and question the lady that gave birth to the latest tail baby. Turns out the baby was fathered by Luke Skywalker....

MULDER: Who fathered the baby?

AMANDA: Luke Skywalker.

SCULLY: Um.... Did he have a really big light saber?

MULDER: Scully! I’m shocked! You of all people asking about size....

SCULLY: Well it ain’t like I will ever get to see the real thing so I must be content to listen to others speak of sex! Now, Amanda, how many times have you seen Star Wars?

MULDER: Why are you asking her that Scully it has no baring on this case?

SCULLY: Felt like it anyway this lady is a loon lets bolt.

Mulder, looks at the baby then Scully drags him to another section of the hospital where they look at DNA patterns. It is agreed that the fathers are all the same for the babies born with tales. So Mulder and Scully go to the local fertility clinic. Mulder snoops around and finds a guy with a scar where a tail should be. He chases him and they haul this person in to the police station.

EDDIE: You guys made an error?

SCULLY: Impossible I am perfect and never make errors.

EDDIE: Yes you did, right here my name is spelled Van Blundht with an ‘H’.

MULDER: Yeah Scully fix that Jeez! You are in the FBI and we don’t make those type of mistakes.

EDDIE: Cool, can I go now?

SCULLY: I don’t think so Eddie.... You have been a very bad boy, knocking all these woman up.

EDDIE: Well I was just filling a need so to speak.

Mulder and Scully chat. Scully apologizes on behalf of the women of the world and they agree that Eddie slipped these women a little something, no pun intended In the meantime Eddie is getting processed by a local cop. Eddie morphs into an exact copy of the cop, and knocks the real cop out cold, then flees.

Mulder and Scully question people and then go to question more people. But stop to pick out a nice China Pattern first. They end up at Eddie senior’s house and Scully’s umbrella slave is on strike so Scully is forced to carry her own umbrella. Mulder questions Scully on stupid things and the answer is Eleanor Roosevelt. Then they both question Eddie Senior for a tad till they realize he is really Eddie Jr. Mulder chases him but Eddie gets away by morphing into one of the husbands of the women he knocked up and locks himself in the bathroom.

Mulder and Scully find a old dead body in the attic. Scully gets excited at the prospect of doing an autopsy. Meanwhile Eddie is still in the bathroom and the real husband comes home. Eddie quick morphs into Mulder and leaves.

Mulder drops in on Scully who is happier than a horny man at a strip joint. Yep she is slicing and dicing the body they found in the attic, and using a Tim Allen type saw too!

MULDER: So.... anything turn up?

SCULLY: Well obviously... Oh you mean with the dead guy? Yeah but I’ll find out more when I saw his head off. But I did find some cool stuff out after I sent some samples to people via the internet. Here take a look. And stay away from that body! I don’t want you touching it! You might break it!

MULDER: Cool what is it?

SCULLY: It’s the script and locations plus a tentative cast for the x-files movie.

MULDER: Really? How did you get this? And why is there only one star signed?

SCULLY: Well I have a friend that has a friend that has a friend that has a brother that is married to a guy that has a son who's dog was in the same kennel with Cleo. And I think they are going to have that guy just play all parts, since they signed him to for buttloads of cash. Now let me get back to my autopsy, this is so cool. It was preserved so great and intact it will be a gold mine of info.

Mulder accidentally breaks the corpse and covers it real well then leaves.

The cloned Mulder visits Amanda and pumps her for info then leaves. The real Mulder goes to question Amanda, and is immediately on to the fact the clone was here and proceeds to hunt him down. Mulder goes into the men’s locker room and handcuffs everybody there to a pole. But the cloned Mulder knocks the real Mulder out cold then locks him in a room with an apple and a sandwich.

Scully comes to the hospital as Mulder is apologizing to all he handcuffed. It is agreed on that the local’s can handle the rest and they leave. Later Mulder and Scully are giving their report to Skinner.

SKINNER: Who typed this?

SCULLY: He did!

SKINNER: Well you need a spell check! This is the worst report I have ever received. Scully next time and from now on you do all the reports.

SCULLY: But!

SKINNER: No buts this is an order!

SCULLY: But I don’t even have a desk to do all these reports on!

SKINNER: So! That’s way you have a laptop. You two are excused.

They leave and Mulder asks Scully what she is doing later. She says work and leaves. The cloned Mulder goes to the real Mulder’s house and listens to the messages on the machine and is depressed to find out that even though the real Mulder is good looking the only women that will go out with him are paid women of the evening or sluts on sex phone call services. The cloned Mulder plays with the fish then with his gun and then practices FBI faces in the mirror before dropping in on Scully...

SCULLY: What do you want?

MULDER: Just wanted to see if maybe you’d like some wine?

SCULLY: Depends?

MULDER: On what?

SCULLY: It ain’t that cheap shit is it?

MULDER: Nope.

SCULLY: Ok, cool... Come in all get the glasses.

Scully gets trashed and tells all kinds of secrets to Mulder and they are about to kiss when the real Mulder somehow escaped his cell and comes crashing in....

MULDER: What the hell??

SCULLY: Huh?

MULDER: What is going on here? I get locked up and then come here to find my Scully about ready to do the nasty with with with a fake me! How could you Scully?

SCULLY: It’s his fault, he got me drunk and....

MULDER: And what...

SCULLY: Well he was nice to me.

MULDER: So what you sleep with every guy that is nice to you?

SCULLY: Well he also promised me a desk.

MULDER: Oh... I see the desk thing again. Is that why we have never... um... you know... did it...

SCULLY: That and Chris Carter would have a cow, remember the one kiss that we thought about when we found out about the cancer?

MULDER: Yeah true...

SCULLY: So lets haul this Don Juan to the jail and forget this whole thing ever happened ok?

MULDER: I don’t know if that can easily be done... I thought you trusted me and I have only trusted you but now.....

SCULLY: Fine maybe we should distance our selfs for like ...

MULDER: A week?

SCULLY: Yeah that should work.

Closing Scene -

Mulder visits Eddie and they chat about hats and losers. Then next weeks teaser comes on and it is minus one familiar face.... SCULLY!!!!

THE END