CSM walks to a table and opens his brief case that is really the handy dandy surveillance equipment, and proceeds to listen in on a private conversation.
FROHIKE: I KNEW IT! See I knew it! That bastard! He has been bugging us!
LANGLY: Yeah! And look he has a CMS 25 de-bugger... That is not fair I want one too!
SCULLY: Chill guys...CC will never spring for one of those. All the new stuff goes to that *other* show. The M word. They even gave *them* the Explorer. God I hate the Taurus!
LANGLY: Then how come he has one!
MULDER: He has had that since the show started! Now hush I wanna see if he is my daddy!
SKINNER: I think he is Mulder... Didn't you see that snazzy lighter. The one with your secret computer pass word "Trust No One," on it.
SCULLY: Hey I didn't say a word Mulder! And if I was you... I'd call Mr. David Oaks.
MULDER: Sure Scully, I hear you. Didn't say a word my ass! And why would I need to call this Mr. Oaks? Ain't he some kind of hard ass lawyer?
SCULLY: Yes, he is the head copyright enforcer for Fox! He took care of the fake nudes of me on the Internet and is helping me block the video release of that shitty movie I stared in when I was young and dumb! The Turning.
FROHIKE: Hey I have a bootleg copy of that movie! And I was hoping to get another. I've almost worn my copy out. Especially the sex scene.
MULDER: Yeah Frohike! Hey can I get a copy of that? And Scully why do I need a lawyer?
SCULLY:Cause, "Trust No One" is a copyrighted phrase and you can nail the CSM to the wall with that! He is using your copyrighted material with out your consent!
PENTRELL: Will guys hush, I can't hear what's going on... And Frohike, can ya make me a copy of that video too?
BYERS: Oh, lookie there, CSM gots a gun!
SCULLY: He's got a *BIG* gun! I want a *BIG* gun!
Roll opening theme -
MULDER: I wish CC would write more eps like this.
SCULLY:Yeah! This is a breeze and we get time off plus get paid!
SKINNER: Hey I didn't know your daddy was in the Army Mulder!
MULDER:Neither did I. I wonder what else I'm gonna find out in this ep. Hey Scully stop eating all the popcorn and pass me a beer.
LANGLY: There's beer? Where?
SCULLY: JFK!?!?!?!? Mulder, your first words were JFK???
SKINNER: I knew it! CSM is going shoot JFK.
MULDER: No he ain't! CSM is a lair not a killer!
SCULLY:Oh please Mulder... Even I believe Lee Harvey Oswald was a patsy. And see CSM just admitted it. And look all the pieces fit. The 13 $'s and some odd change, that’s is how much Oswald had on him when he got caught, and the old curtain rods, and he is even telling him to go to the movies. Just like all the books I read on the assignation and that Olvier Stone movie!
SKINNER: NO! Get the coke Lee not the Rootbeer! The Rootbeer button is broken!
MULDER: OK, I have to admit that it all makes sense that CSM shot JKF, but if they try and blame Martin Luther King's and Bobby Kennedy's death on CSM.... I'm leaving this show! No movie, no more seasons, no more me helping with scripts nadda!
SCULLY: Oh look that is why he started smoking.
BYERS: Well assassinating Presidents for a living is a tough job...
MULDER: No! No way! Come on here CSM shoots both JFK and King. I need to have a chat with CC. I think Wong and Morgan have written to many eps this season and are in writers block!
SCULLY:Well it looks like CSM does the good reverend in too! Hey I didn't know CSM was an inspiring writer. Maybe CC should let him write some scripts! He can let anyone else write, just so long as Skinner never gets a chance again.
SKINNER: You are never going to let me forget "The Field Where I Died," are you Scully?
SCULLY: NO! I'm still signing that dang-blasted Terry Jacks song! As far as I'm concerned... that ep. never happened... it did not exist... there was no X-file for Nov. 3rd!
LANGLY: Where did you say the beer was? Oh look CSM kills Bobby too! That Bastard! I loved Bobby! So where is the beer?
MULDER: The beer is next to Scully, she is hoarding that too...
FROHIKE: Oh, good commercial.. This ep is making me want a smoke, and I have to go to see a man about a dog.
PENDREALL: Yeah me too... I'm just dying for a smoke.
SCULLY: Langly hand me my purse I think there are some smokes in there. I'm dying for one too!
MULDER: Hey can ya pass one this way, or are you going to hoard all the smokes too?
SKINNER: I'll have a smoke too, and is there any more food?
MULDER: No! Scully ate it all! Some one order some pizza and keep Scully away from it!
BYERS: Anyone got a light?
SCULLY: Look Cancer man is trying to stop smoking he's got the patch.....
MULDER: I knew it!!! There is no way a team can go to the Super Bowl 4 times in a row and not win at least once! This just confirms what I knew all along... It is a conspiracy!
LANGLY: Hey! Cancer Man has the same bad taste in ties as you Mulder!
SCULLY: Yeah I'm beginning to think that Cancer Man is your daddy Mulder.... Notice how he carries around that old photo of you and Mama Mulder all the time.
SKINNER: Yeah, I have to agree with Scully, Mulder. It's looking like CSM is your old man. Hey when they gonna tell us his name so we can call you by your proper name Mulder... if that is your name.
LANGLY: Oh, look the x-files division.
MULDER: See I told you Scully was sent to spy on me... Debunk the x-files! Gee Scully and to think I trusted you!
SCULLY: You trust no one never did never will. That Bastard! He has had the office bugged since day one!
MULDER: Oh, please Scully you mean it took you that long to figure that out!
SCULLY: Well at least I know who my daddy is! Gee I wonder if Cancer Man also had video surveillance done. God I hope not!
MULDER: Why you afraid he got you dancing to disco music in your underwear on tape?
PENDRELL: Really Scully? You listen to disco? I like disco.
SCULLY: No I hate that crap!
MULDER: Actually she lost the bet we had on the Super Bowl, she picked the Bills, and well...
FROIKE: Did you get that on tape Mulder?
MULDER: What the Super Bowl? Of Course.
FROHIKE: NO! Scully dancing in her underwear?
MULDER: Nah.... but I bet Cancer Man did!
SCULLY: Mulder lies! Just like is daddy!
MULDER: No! My daddy was the killer Deep Throat was the liar. He just said so. And then shot the alien.
LANGLY: Hey ain't that the nudie mag you are always reading Frohike?
FROHIKE: Yes! I told you that is where I found out how to get my bootleg copy of The Turning and also read that story about a guy who runs everything and kills everyone... Jeez the garbage peole print now a days! Is there more beer? And can I get another smoke Scully?
SCULLY: Sure, Frohike. Ahhh look Cancer Man looks all sad now. I kinda feel sorry for him now. Maybe I'll send him a box of chocolates.
SKINNER: Oh this is bad... who does he think he is Forest Gump? And why is he telling all this to that bum? Life is like a box of chocolates! Please spare me! I agree Wong and Morgan must have writers block. Good thing this ep is almost over or next ya know we will find out Cancer Man lead the alian's attack on the Earth in Independence Day and creates twisters on his days off! And told Disney to release the real life verision of 101 Dalmations, so Glenn Close can add another Oscar to her collection.
MULDER: This is an x-files so therefore it need not make sense! Orto even wrap the show up all neat at the end. Really think Glenn Close will win this year?
SCULLY: Hey maybe Cancer Man ain't that bad after all guys. I mean we could have shot you Frohike and didn't.
MULDER:Sully! Come on here this Cancer Man he is all that is evil, need I remind you he had your sister killed!
SCULLY: True but he could have had a valid reason.
MULDER: Snap out of Scully! I think the Forest Gump thing there hit a nerve... This is not like you at all to show sympathy, because sympathy is an emotion, and Scully you never show emotions.
SCULLY: NO! I never laugh or smile.... You never show emotion. Does the title "The Field Where I Died" bring up any memories of bad emotionless acting?
MULDER: By your own words... That ep did not exist! And Scully, Cancer Man probably got you on tape dancing to that disco music in your underwear and the time when you tried on the Madonna like tits in the office.... Remember?
SCULLY: Oh, yeah! CSM Must die! I hate him! I must get all the tapes he has ever taken from the office! I will not rest till I have them all and they have been destroyed.. Death to CSM!
SKINNER: Well this ep told us nothing! What A rip!
BYERS: Yes it did, just not the answers to our questions.
MULDER: Well its been fun its been real, too bad there wasn't much beer... Thanks to.....
LANGLY: There was plenty of beer!
MULDER: Yeah for you and Scully! Anyway I'm out of here. See ya next Sunday night!
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