SSIG: That is all fine and dandy Ms. Scully but where is your partner Mr. Mulder?
SCULLY: I can not disclose that information at this time. It might in danger is life, and if I tell you I will have to kill you, and killing might put a damper on any new roles that might be offered to me after the X-Files goes off the air.
SSIG: I can fully understand your hesitance on disclosing that information Ms. Scully, but as a Federal employee you are bound by law to answer all of our questions or be held in contempt of Congress.
SCULLY: Are you threatening my job security sir?
SSIG: Well, yes! If you don't explain where Agent Mulder is and keep your big mouth shut about equal pay in Hollywood, not only will you be held in contempt but we will be forced pressure Fox Network and CC to write you off the Show!
SCULLY: Well when you put it that way I guess I have no other choice then to tell my story. This is a long story so make your selves comfy and I shall start at the beginning......
One day along along time ago in a galaxy far far away there was the struggle between good and evil. The rebel alliance was on the brink of destruction.......and then the Borg came something about first contact.... Oh BTW, blond hair really just doesn't look good on Beverly Crusher...... Then Darth says "I am your father Luke." And Luke screams NOOOO................
Cue opening theme -
Whoo whoo!!! The X-files!!! Oooooh, Mulder! Ahh, yes! Scully!!! SCULLY!!!!!!!!! Commercial break! Beer run!! Food stop! Hurry hurry before the show starts! It's an arc story people so for the first million viewings you will be totally lost. Then the next million are for nipicking..........
Run the credits and keep them going till the show is done so when we can run then again. Hey it worked with the season opener and no one was distracted by the names scrolling at the bottom, and we have to acknowledge all that have ever even thought about helping with the show, that and we have lots of producers now so CC can concentrate on Millennium.
Lets start this ep in an airport. We see a very nervous guy being told that his diplomatic amnesty is useless to him on this latest drug smuggling go around... only the one time he isn't smuggling coke into the country he has to go through customs....
CUSTOM AGENT: Sir I need you to open this brief case.
NERVOUS GUY: I can't, don't have the key or the combination.
CUSTOM AGENT: OK then we'll just perform a full body cavity search. Bubba got a life one for ya! You'll like Bubba he will be gentle, he is good with these sort of things being that he just got released from the state penitentiary for armed robbery and was severing a 20 year term.
Cut away to a totally un-related scene, where the dynamic duo are helping out on an ATF raid....
SCULLY: Ok, Mulder, where did you get this tip from? And those X-Files mailing list you subscribe to is the wrong answer. All they do is start rumors and rumors will not hold up in a court of law. And next week we are supposed to present a load of stuff in a Senate hearing and I really don't fell like saying, "Oh, my partner got a tip from a mailing list." They'll laugh us out of the building.
MULDER: Don't worry this was giving to me by the standard anonymous phone call and they always allow that to be entered as evidence so no worries. Wow! Scully you look hot all decked out in that Army gear. And look those combat boots add a whole 3 inches to your height!
SCULLY: Good I hate standing on that damn box! And hey look they gave me this really cool gun too! God I hope I get to use it!
MULDER: Well Scully I got a tip for you. Don't turn that gun back into the props guy. Instead take it with you when you and your agent go to re-negotiate your contract. How do you think I got my big huge raise, and the guarantee to always have top billing on any thing x-files even if I ain't in it.
SCULLY: Hey thanks for the tip! And I was always wondering how come your name always came before mine. I always thought they were using my married name.
MULDER: Hey speaking of that how come you don't use that name? Ya know it would save a lot of people a lot of time on these mailing lists I subscribing to, from debating the Ms Manners thing.... is it Ms. or Mrs.
SCULLY: Well it's Ms. besides Mrs. Anderson is my mother! And would you go by the name Klotz when Anderson not only looks better and sounds better?
MULDER: Yeah I see your point. Come on lets go get this bust out of the way. ET is supposed to air that feature on me tonight and I want to get home in time to watch it. God I hope all my sex starved fans make sure to take note that I love things with Elvis on it, and will send me some new Elvis stuff to keep me happy and not feel so home sick by being stuck up here in Vancouver year round.
SCULLY: Hands in the air you scum bag! I've got a really cool gun and ma just dying to use it!
MULDER: RATBOY!!!!!!!!!!!!
SCULLY: Now how the hell did you get out of that silo Ratboy!
KRYCEK: Nice to see you too Mulder, Scully. And Scully you look hot in the full combat gear! CC should have you wear that stuff more often. And you look taller.
SCULLY: Thanks Alex! You don't look half bad your self considering we thought you for dead in that silo.....
We see Mulder and Skinner get some cheap shots in on Krycek then Skinner cuffs him to the balcony. Later a person breaks into Skinners apartment and Ratboy does good and tosses him over the edge where he falls 17 stories to is death splat! Mulder later pays a visit to the new snitch, and she books him a flight to Russia. Mulder has an intimate chat with Scully and tells her he is taking a cab. Scully and Penterall put on some space suits and get a good look at the slimy oily alien thingies and because they have no clue as to what it is they do like everyone else..... They claim it came from Mars. CSM and Skinner chat.....
SKINNER: Hey I saw the artcile in People last week.
CSM: Yeah what did you think about it?
SKINNER: Not bad and I even heard that some people find you sexy!
CSM: Really? Well I was trying to shed some the evil image I have been getting as of late. I think last weeks ep help a bit too. Hey ya got a light my new "trust no one" zippo isn't working no more... cheap merchendise!
MULDER: This bites! It is not in my contract that I have to stay in a shit hole like this! Scully never has to do these stuff! I'm gonna get my agent to include this in my next contract no being shoved in prisons! And that means I'm also going to miss getting my copy of the up coming FHM mag!!!!!!
KRYCEK: Yeah how come she never has to do this stuff! You are right it is not fair! FHM?? Really cool, I'll have to reserve myself a copy of that too. Oh did you see her on the cover of Esquire, she was hot!!! I like Scully, she is the only one that hasn't kick the crap out of me since I got back.
MULDER: Its a false sense of security, Ratboy. She was watching that show that comes on before ours now.... Ned and Stacy. And well Ned whacked this guy really good in a very tender male spot with a racket ball. Then Scully started mumbling something about taking racket ball lessons and your name was mentioned in that sentence too. But she also mumbled in passing all the names of the x-files, and fox producers as well. Then she garbed that cool gun she didn't turn back in props, and went to have lunch with her agent, something about re-re-negotiating her contract or something.
KRYCEK: That doesn't sound to good. I guess she is still a bit sore that I shot her sister.
MULDER: Well that is putting it lightly....Oh, look dinner, can you hand me my cup of the thing that is being passed of as soup. Thanks. Oh look protein, and I thought it would just contain rotten spuds. But they had the heart to include a roach. Hmmm I wonder if this is one of the roaches from outer space? Man this roach brings back memories... Bambi..
KRYCEK: Yeah Bambi was hot! Hey I didn't get a roach in mine that is not fair! I know Russian and I'm going to start complaining!
A: A second Smallpox vaccination
B: Alien DNA
C: Those oily slimy crawling things.
D: Heroin
E: The anti serum for the fake small pox shot or the oily slimy stuff that means now Mulder can be stung by those bees we saw before and not die... coool
Later we see Mulder and lots of other prisoners in a room meshed down with fencing while they are the guinea pigs in some mass experiment before the words.... "To be continued" appear..... All hell breaks loose as x-philes all over the north American hemisphere let out a huge window shattering scream for being left in yet another lurch again... So stay tuned for next week ep to find out ...
1: Does Mulder , wait how will Mulder get his butt out of this jam
2: Will Scully ever finish her testimony before the Senate.
3: Well Mulder and Ratboy get their copies of FHM
4: What will Pentrell and Scully find in the rock from Mars
5: How did Scullya nd Pendrell know this rock was from Mars
6: Will the blond snitch be Mulder's squeeze and what will Scully's reaction be.
7: Will Scully get a raise
8: Oh yeah how does all this tie in to the grand scheme of x-files arc stories.
9: Will the writers follow time lines this time or make it up as they go.
10: Who will be the next Space and Beyond cross over guest star.
11: Will we get some clones in the second part
12: Where is that intimate scene we were promised!
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