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Ever since I can remember, I've always had a desire to know God. As a child, my favorite book was the Children's Story Bible with all the wonderful pictures. I was an altar boy from the 4th or 5th grade through junior high. Being raised by devout Catholic parents, I learned a very disciplined faith. But as I got older, I could sense that something was not quite right with the worship services and lives of the Catholics I knew. In high school, I noticed that the congregation went through the service in a "mindless" state, only reading responses out of a booklet in response to a manmade format. There was no life in it, no joy. I began to question much of the doctrine that I had been taught. I wanted to find out the truth about God. So I began to read the Bible for the first time in the 10th or 11th grade. The Old Testament was difficult to understand at times, but I just couldn't put the book down. I enjoyed learning about Jesus' life from the four gospel books, and then, something in the Book of Acts and/or Romans touched my heart. I felt an excitement, which I didn't understand. Could I be learning the Truth? One night after reading Acts and/or Romans,
I was so thrilled with what I had learned that I decided to pray directly
to God. Not memorized prayer as I was taught, but from my heart. That night
in bed, for the first time in my life, I prayed. I really prayed! And I
felt something - a closeness to God! And then, before I even opened my
eyes, I saw an incredibly intense white light. When I opened my eyes, everything
in my room was awash in a bright white light. So bright was the light that
nothing in the room had any color - just form. I knew instantly that the
source of the light was behind my head. But my headboard was against the
wall and the window shades were pulled down! I began to tilt my head backward
and saw the light leave the room as though it had substance. The light
went through both windows just above my head and out of the room. I saw
the light leave the room and ascend on the other side of the window shades
as water draining from a fish tank, only upwards! My first thought was
that Jesus was here! Then I thought that a friend was playing a trick on
me. But, I realized that there isn't a manmade light of that intensity,
and surely not one that could move out of the room with corporeality. I
saw that light more than 20 years ago. Unfortunately, I had no one to share
that experience with and learn what to do with it. It was shortly after the light experience that I stopped practicing the Catholic faith in earnest. As a teenager, I was discovering the pleasures of the world. Hedonism was becoming my truth, and would be for the next 15 years. Occassionaly, I would return to the Catholic worship service in times of trouble, looking for an emotional uplift. But without the presence of the Truth to hold me, I fell back to the god of hedonism. When I was about 30 years old, loneliness and disgust with what I saw happening in the world led me to search for the Truth again. I was sure it was to be found in Catholicism - the problem had to be with me. So I tried to be the best Catholic I could be. I read some Catholic books and tracts, said the repetitive prayers of the rosary, and studied the catechism. I tried with all my heart to be the best Catholic I could be. But still something didn't feel right. One of the books I bought was on repentence.
I was inspired by the words contained within its covers. So inspired, that
midway throught the book I began to pray to God, the same way I prayed
that night I saw the Light. I recalled every sin I could remember, and
was able to deeply feel the shame and regret for having sinned. I pleaded
with Jesus to forgive me. As I lay on my bed crying, I began to shake and
tingle all over. Then, all of a sudden, I felt relief. I stopped shaking.
The guilt, shame and regret were replaced with peace. And I felt that Jesus
was there with me. Oh, the joy that overcame me! My prayer of repentance
immediately turned into a prayer of thanksgiving. Because that book recommended confession the
Catholic way, I thought that to be a good Catholic I would have to confess
my sins to a priest. But I didn't feel as though I needed to after confessing to Jesus. But after a few weeks, I went to confession. As soon as I set
foot into that confessional, I knew that I was making a mistake. What hypocrisy!
From that moment on, I knew that the Truth that would lead to salvation
was not to be found in Catholicism. I stopped saying the rosary, stopped
attending worship services, and returned to hedonism. While trying to be a good Catholic, I met a girl named Andrea. She became my god; I idolized her. We made God out to be who we wanted Him to be. But without the Truth in our lives, our marriage soon died. Again, I turned to the Lord to find relief from the pain of divorce. I began attending a non-denominational church where the sermons lasted about 30 to 40 minutes and seemed to be filled with the love of God. Tears would run down my cheeks and I would feel like shouting for joy while listening to the minister preach. I would hear hushed hallelujahs, "praise God", and sniffling from the congregation around me, but no one dared shout. I also noticed, and I was guilty of it too, that everyone gave glory to the pastor of this church, rather than to God. As I learned some of the doctrine that this church taught, I began to feel something wasn't quite right. These people believed that they were "saved". Even if they were to return to a life of sin, they would make it into the kingdom of heaven, but would only hold a lower position. As I was beginning to question the doctrine of this place, I was reunited with my best friend and learned of the holy Ghost. Bob and I had known each other since the 7th grade. He had received the holy Ghost with the evidence of speaking in tongues in 1990. That was just before I got married, and shortly after my marriage our friendship dissolved. But after my divorce, he contacted me and told me about what God had done for him. I had never heard of the holy Ghost baptism. He and his wife, Ellen, gave me some tracts, which I began to study. What I read in these tracts was very different than what I found in Christianity. But, everything in them was in complete agreement with the Bible. The doctrine was not based on only a few scriptural verses, but was supported by the entire Bible! One night, Bob and Ellen stopped by to visit me. We talked for awhile about some of the tracts, then Ellen began to give her testimony. She was on the verge of tears, feeling the joy of the love of God in her heart. I felt like she was about to speak in tongues and I thought, "Please don't start speaking in tongues". As soon as I had that thought, something hit me right square in the chest and scared me "to death". Actually, it scared me to life. For at that moment, I knew God was real. That was my first experience of the power of God. I suppose God didn't want me to have thoughts like that. I began to attend the meetings where Bob and Ellen went. I began to learn the Old Testament, which made the New Testament come alive. I began to seek the baptism of the holy Ghost. Being raised Catholic, I did not learn to fear God.
In my walk through christianity, I never met anyone who professed to fear
God. Everyone, myself included, always talked of Jesus as being our friend
and that He loved us so much that there wasn't any reason to fear the Lord.
As I began to learn the truth, I realized that I needed to learn to fear
God. I prayed one night for the Lord to show me how to fear Him. That night,
the Lord gave me a dream. The intensity of the colors in the dream let
me know that it was no ordinary dream. In the dream, I was walking with
someone. I looked up to see a gigantic bright white, puffy cloud that filled
the sky. I noticed fingers of cloud growing out of the top of the cloud
like whisps of hair. I pointed to the top of the cloud and shouted "Look!"
At that instant, a bright neon green bolt of lightning shoots out of the
whisps of curled cloud and streaks toward the ground. Balls of neon green
lightning break off and strike buildings and people on the ground. The
people of the earth are in a panic. The person walking at my side starts
praying in tongues. Then another person close by starts speaking in tongues.
Then I shout, "I've got to speak in tongues or else I'm going to die!"
Then I awake, soaked in sweat, shaking and crying. I was terrified. It
was obvious that I had been crying for a good long time. I got on my knees
and started to pray. On a Thanksgiving weekend in 1996, I was in the presence of the Church seeking God with all my heart. As I was being prayed for, doubt would come to my mind, causing me to think "is it me or is it God?" each time I was at the point of surrender. After about 1.5 hours of praying, I finally just gave in. At that point, I felt the power of God on my tongue and from deep within me I heard the most beautiful language, but only for a few seconds. I was so exhausted that I could not enjoy what God had done for me. Doubt robbed me of the peace and joy that God had made available to me in my Baptism of the holy Ghost. That night, I went to bed with a very troubled feeling of doubt. I prayed myself to
sleep. Two hours later I awoke with the same troubled feeling. I prayed
again. God gave me a dream: For over 3 years after I received the Baptism, I did not speak in tongues. Then, on April 7, 1999, I went to bed praying. I did not want to fall asleep without praying in tongues. I'd start to doze off, but wake
myself up and begin praying again. Then, the thought to just give it a
try came to me. But I had already tried speaking in tongues once before,
and looking back, probably with success, but it was so easy I didn't
believe that it was real. Anyway, a syllable, "sa", was given to me to
start with, so I tried. And the language of the Spirit just flowed! I
didn't feel any power of God with it like the first time in that meeting
out there in Kentucky. I still wasn't too sure that I was speaking in
tongues because it was so easy. The next night I tried again, and the
language had changed a little, and was so much fun. So I was sure that I
was speaking in tongues, especially after talking to Barbara and Ellen.
A few days later, I helped Bob cut trees and build a big fire. I was
exhausted at the end of the day and only wanted to go home and get to
sleep. But before I fell asleep, I thanked God for the day and started
speaking in that heavenly language again. It was so much fun that I
didn't want to stop and continued for about 45 minutes. My mouth went
dry, so I got up for some water. When I got back in bed, I noticed that
I wasn't sore and tired anymore. I felt completely refreshed! A few days later, the Lord gave me a dream. In the dream, I was walking
toward a house that was a wreck. It looked as though it had been bombed
out. The roof was missing, but the trusses were still there. As I walked
into the house, I noticed that the floor was unlevel dirt and that there
was no furniture. Then I said, "A bad spirit has been in this house."
Then I got real happy and said, "But the right Spirit is in the house
now!" I started jumping for joy, and felt so light that I would float up
to the trusses and bump my head, but it didn't hurt, just made me laugh.
On the last jump, I did a backward somersault and then woke up. Praise
God! My house is in order now!
I found myself sitting among people moving in a column, like a wagon train
expedition. But I'm facing backward. And I have the same feeling of doubt
and confusion that I went to bed with. The thought that "these people are
just following our pastor" came to me as I see our pastor at the side
of the column of travelers. He is looking in the direction from which we
came. Then I am reminded that he is overseeing us on our journey to God,
while Jesus is the one leading the way. I believe now that we were leaving
christianity! I hear someone shout that Jesus
is up ahead leading the way. As I turn my head to look for Jesus, the night
sky explodes with intense, prismatic, radiating beams of light. My heart
is suddenly filled with an immence joy and peace. I was overwhelmed with
love, peace and joy, for I realized that I was on my way with Jesus.
I awake out of that dream filled with joy and thank God. Then I immediately
fall back asleep into another dream:
I find myself in a room with my ex-wife. I turn to leave
because I do not want to be there. But the door to the room won't open
and the window next to it breaks. I try to fix the window, but cannot.
My ex-wife says that the management will fix it and not to worry about
it. The manager then appears, but is unable to fix the window. I turn around
and notice that the room is a mess, filled with all the things that I thought
I had gotten out of my life. I put some of the things in a box, then open
a closet to find more junk. Then I think, "I don't want to be here.
I thought that I had gotten all this out of my life."
I believe that both dreams are from God. The first dream reassures me that
I am on my way to the Kingdom of God. The second dream may be to show me
where it is I've come from, or where it is I'll end up if I don't continue seeking God.
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