Life's Little Instructions

On my hairdryer instructions:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner!  No purchase necessary.  Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap, it says,
Directions:  Use like regular soap.

I have a frozen dinner at home that says:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX:
fits one head.

ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT
 Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING
 Product will be hot after heating

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON
 Do not Iron clothes on body

ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE
 Do not drive car or operate machinery

ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID)
 Warning: may cause drowsiness

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE
 Warning keep out of children

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
 For indoor or outdoor use only.

ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR
 Not to be used for the other use

ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS
 Warning: contains nuts

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS
 Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW
 Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands

ON A PACKET OF SUNMAID RAISINS
 Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?






Advertising Problem


A Psychologist and the Proctologist decided to share office space.

They could not decide on a sign of which the entries were:
    Odds & Ends
    Schizoids & Hemorrhoids
    Nuts & Butts
    Wacks & Cracks



Elementary Dear Watson


 Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay 
down
for the night, Holmes asked: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me
what
you see".

Watson said "I see millions and millions of stars".

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

 Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies
and potentially billions of planets.  Theologically, it tells me that
God
is great and that we are small and insignificant.  Meteorologically, it
tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.  What does it tell
you?"

Holmes: "Elementary, my dear Watson.  Somebody stole our tent".



THE NEW DRUNK DRIVING TEST


A juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police.

"What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.

"I juggle them in my act" said the juggler.

"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it."

So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking.
Look at the test they're making you do now!"