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Humor
Server 54, Where Are You?(04/09/01, 4:28 p.m. ET) TechWeb News Excellence in EducationIn a Nov. 16, 2000, letter published in its entirety (except for naming the recipient) in Washington (D.C.) City Paper in January, the human resources director for the District of Columbia Public Schools informs a female job applicant that an investigation into her criminal record has been resolved in her favor. According to the letter, DCPS accepted the applicant's documentation that the government had, for undisclosed reasons, declined to prosecute her cocaine distribution charge, her marijuana possession charge, her three dangerous-weapons charges, her shoplifting charge, her soliciting prostitution charge, and her destruction of government property charge (all during 1984-1992) and that the woman, thus with a clean record, is now "eligible for employment with DCPS." Now you know why that person had their finger in their earEngineer Masaaki Fukumoto, 36, of the Japanese firm NTT DoCoMo, announced in October 2000 that he had developed a prototype of a wireless telephone worn as a wristband and functioning via a device that converts audio signals into vibrations. Incoming calls cause the wrist to vibrate, and the wearer engages the phone by touching the thumb to the index finger. Speaking requires holding the wristband close to the mouth, and listening involves transferring the audio signal to the eardrum, which is done by the user's sticking his finger in his ear.
MANAGED FRIENDS NETWORK
Welcome to the
Managed Friends Network, a whole new way of thinking about friends and
relationships. The Managed Friends
Network combines all of the advantages of a traditional friends network with
important time-saving and cost-effective features. How does it work? Under the Managed
Friends Network, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened,
accredited Friends Providers (FPs). All
your friendship needs are met by members of your Managed Friends Staff. What's wrong with my current friends? If you're like most
people, you are receiving friendship services from a network of providers
haphazardly patched together from your old neighborhoods, jobs, and schools.
The result is often costly duplication, inefficiency, and conflict.
Many of your current friends may not meet national standards, responding
to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded, or even experimental acts of
friendship. Under Managed Friends,
your friendship needs are coordinated by your designated Best Friend, who will
ensure the quality and goodness of fit of all your friendly relationships. How do I know that the Managed Friends
Network's panel of friends is not made up of a bunch of losers who can't make friends
on their own? Many of today's most
dedicated and highly trained Friends Providers are as concerned as we are about
delivering Quality Friends in a time-saving and cost-effective manner.
They have joined our network because they want to focus on acting like a
friend rather than doing the paperwork and paying the high
"bad-friends" premiums that have caused the cost of traditional
friendship to skyrocket. Our
Friends Providers have met the rigorous standards of the Managed Friends Network
for companionship and loyalty. What if I need a special friend, say, for
poker or fishing? Special Friends are
responsible for most of the unnecessary and expensive activities that burden
already costly relationships. Under
the Managed Friends Network, your Best Friend is qualified to pre-approve your
referral to a Special Friend within the Managed Friendship Network should your
needs fall outside of the scope of his/her friendship. Suppose I want to see friends outside the Managed Friends Network? You may make friends
outside of the Managed Friends Network only in the event of a Friendship
Emergency. What is a "Friendship Emergency?" The Managed Friends
Network covers your friendship needs 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, even if
you need a friend out of town, after regular business hours, or when your Best
Friend is with someone else. You
might be on a business trip, for instance, and suddenly find that you are
feeling lonely. In such cases, you
may make a New Friend, and all approved friendly activities will be covered
under the Managed Friends Network, provided you notify the Managed Friends
Office or the 24-hour Friends Hot-line (1-800-FRIENDS) within two business days. What friendly activities are covered under
the Managed Friends Network? Friendly Activities
that are typically covered include: - Agreeing with you Note: *up to 15
minutes under the Premium Gold Friends Plan What friendly
activities are not covered under the Managed Friends Network? Activities that would
not be pre-approved include (but are not limited to): - Bar hopping How can I find out more about the Managed
Friends Network? A simple call is all
it takes. If you need a friend,
just call our toll-free number (1-800-FRIENDS).
Or visit our web site (www.mfn.wegotyounow.com)
Sign up for the Managed Friends Network and rest easier with the
knowledge that all of your appropriate friendship needs will be met. Who decides what's
appropriate for me? We do.
Isn't that what friends are for? ******
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This special tftd-l pre-publication screening of the ad campaign brought to you by Penny Pennington pennington2@llnl.gov
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