Ikariku's Funny Library
!!!!! Notice !!!!!!
All the jokes i posted on the homepage is composed by someone else, not me..
I have no copyrights on those jokes.....
If u r the composer.... then sorry....
If u r just a reader... then enjoy....
81. ....腳踏車
話說我有一個迷糊的室友....
某天... 我向她借了腳踏車......
但我很好奇的問：妳的腳踏車不鎖啊...
不怕被偷嗎？
然而她的回答讓我由衷的佩服....
她說：我不鎖的緣故事因為怕車子的鑰匙萬一掉了...
（因為這是常有的事）
那麼一來我就沒車車騎了呀....
82. ....不要打電話
那是去年發生的一個真實笑話...
我是覺得很好笑啦...也請大家捧捧場!
話說去年暑假我和我男朋友及他另一對好友去逛夜市...
逛到一半的時候...我男朋友的call機響了....
於是我男朋友就對他朋友說:"胖,我call機響了...我要去打電話..."
由於人多又吵....他的朋友沒聽清楚...所以我男朋友又再講了一遍...
"胖...我要去打電話..."
這次他朋友聽到了...就回他說:"啊....不要啦..."
"...電話那麼好....不要打他啦..."
83. ....中毒死
這是昨天我跟別人吃飯...
飯後閒聊講的笑話.......
有一對雙胞胎兄弟.......
媽媽非常疼愛哥哥.......
吃醋的弟弟很不悅.......
下定決心要害哥哥.......
一天...................
弟弟吃完奶後...........
把毒藥塗在媽媽的乳頭上.
心想哥哥這次死定啦.....
只要自己不要喝奶就好啦.
結果...........隔天早上
媽媽大聲哭說...........
爸爸中毒死掉啦.........
84. ....甜蜜的負荷
這次的事件又發生在我婆家 :
一日下午,剛吃飽飯不久,外婆
把餐桌都清理好了,小弟當時頓
時覺得口好渴,去找有沒有飲料
可以解渴,遠遠看到餐桌上有一
碗用容器裝盛的@#$%^&*,不管了
先喝再說,此時此刻的我,又犯下
了這一生第二大的錯誤,就是喝
下足足500c.c的"豬油",怎樣,厲
害吧!!雖然當天晚上一口飯也沒
吃,但我覺得這是一生中最沉重
也是最甜蜜的負荷!!
86. ....Wanted!!!
A San Antonio newspaper featured this ad in its classified column:
"Wanted, big executive, from 22 to 80. To sit with feet on desk from 10 to
4.30 and watch other people work. Must be willing to play golf every
afternoon. Salary to start : $500 a week. We don't have this job open, you
understand. We just thought we'd like to see in print what everybody is
applying for."
87. ....court for fighting
A young man was hauled into court for fighting. "Tell your side of
the story," said the Judge.
"Well, I was in the phone booth talkin' to my girl when this guy wants to
use the phone. Me and my girl had just talked for about ten minutes when he
opened the door, grabs me by the neck and tossess me out of the booth."
"Then you got angry ?" asked the judge.
"No," the young man replied, "I really didn't get mad 'til he grabbed my gal
by the neck and threw her out, too !"
88. ....Cow's conversation...
Two cows were grazing alongside a highway when a milk truck went by. On the
side of the truck were the words "PASTEURIZED, HOMOGENIZED, STANDARDIZED,
VITAMIN A ADDED."
One cow turned to the other and said, "Makes you feel sort of inadequate,
doesn't it ?"
89. ....The top 50 things to say...
The top 50 things to do or say when you wake up to your
roommate in bed with his girlfriend
50. (the obvious) "Ooooooo"
49. "That would work better the other way around.."
48. Sniff. Sniff. "Is something burning?"
47. "Damn, that's complicated."
46. "Wait, wait, use my pillow."
45. "Alright already, _I_came."
44. "You guys need a value pak."
43. Smoke a pipe. Every once in a while wave it around and say "Good
show, old bean."
42. "Is that sperm or a mudpack?"
41. "You've got something stuck in your teeth."
40. "4 out of 5 dentists say that's bad for your enamel."
39. Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote.
Point and click. Complain when they don't change positions.
38. "You know, they say that three's a charm."
37. Suggest your favorite position.
36. Shine a flashlight on them and say, "This is a citizen's arrest,
assume the position."
35. "Bring in the Gimp."
34. "Hold that pose."
33. Sit up in your bed, bounce vigorously, clapping and squealing with joy.
32. Start singing Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."
31. Sing "Shake your bootie."
30. "A little to the left."
29. "Is that a penis in your girlfriend or are you just happy to see me?"
28. "Is there room for two in there?"
27. "Two words: penis extension."
26. Invite others in as a cheering section.
25. Charge admission at the door.
24. Make and hold up score cards.
23. All of them should read 6.9.
22. Whip out a pen a paper and take notes.
21. "Maybe it would help if you..."
20. "That's what you call erect?"
19. "That reminds me of a joke I heard..."
18. "Let the chicken go, he had nothing to do with it!"
17. Hold up two bags and say, "Paper or plasic?"
16. Roll over, grunt and say, "I'd rather be fishing."
15. "Use the Heimlich; she's got something stuck in her throat."
14. "May I cut in?"
13. "That's illegal in Arkansas."
12. "Holy whips and chains, Batman."
11. Scream at the top of your lungs. If they ask what's wrong, explain
that you thought you were having a nightmare.
10. Take pictures. Explain that it was a Kodak moment.
9. Recite quotes from Condom Month like "Pack your weaner before you bean
her" and "Wrap your packer before you wack her."
8. "MMM- that looks good, I think I'll try some, too."
7. "Let's make a sandwich."
6. "Is that hard enough for you?"
5. "I'm going to the water fountain. Can I get you anything?"
4. "I think you dropped something."
3. "Do you like to eat at the Y?"
2. Pick up your camcorder and say "How much do you think they would pay to
see this on Pay-Per-View?"
1. "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop??"
90. ....Dating Dictionary
ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular
person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not
entirely choosy, people meet.
DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time,
and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't
especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less
in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as
swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating
repulsive men.
EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals
of a man.
EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate
to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so,
many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not
necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a
woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has
some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is
interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him
do all the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that
initially attract people to each other turn into after a few months
together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to be is
directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more
often than he does.
SOBER - condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in
love.
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