Ikariku's Funny Library

!!!!! Notice !!!!!!

All the jokes i posted on the homepage is composed by someone else, not me..
I have no copyrights on those jokes.....
If u r the composer.... then sorry....
If u r just a reader... then enjoy....




  • 411.


    A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "How old are you?"


    The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."


    The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up".


    The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy? Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"


    The Mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."


    The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card. It tells you everything."


    Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."


    The Mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart how do you know that?"


    The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much weigh. You weigh 130 pounds." "Where did you learn that?" The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."


    412.


    A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?".


    "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!", replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".


    Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer". "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"


    413.


    A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.


    The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero."


    The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.


    The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.


    The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want."


    Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.


    Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"


    The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool!"


    414. BEER TROUBLESHOOTING FLOW CHART


    SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
    FAULT: Glass empty.
    ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.


    SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
    FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
    ACTION: Retire to ladies room, practice in mirror.


    SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
    FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.


    SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
    FAULT: Improper bladder control.
    ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about her house training.


    SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
    FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
    ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.


    SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
    FAULT: You are being carried out.
    ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.


    SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
    FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
    ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.


    SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
    FAULT: You have fallen forward.
    ACTION: See above.


    SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
    FAULT: Bar has closed.
    ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.


    SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
    FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
    ACTION: Cover mouth.


    415.


    One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.


    Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.


    Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.


    Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"


    The man says, "Yep, sure do."


    Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"


    The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."


    Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"


    "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."


    416.


    Marilyn had a parrot for a pet, but the parrot would embarrass her whenever she came into the apartment with a man. He would shout all kinds of obscenities, always leading off with "Somebody's gonna get it tonight!" In desperation, Marilyn went to her local pet shop and explained her parrot problem to the pet shop proprietor. "What you need," he said, "is a female parrot too. I don't have one on hand, but I'll order one. Meanwhile, you could borrow this female owl until the female parrot arrives." Marilyn took the owl home and put it near her parrot. It was immediately obvious that the parrot didn't care for the owl. He glared at it. That night, Marilyn wasn't her usual nervous self as she opened the door to bring her gentlemen friend in for a nightcap. Then suddenly she heard the parrot screech and she knew that things hadn't changed. "Somebody's gonna get it tonight! Somebody's gonna get it tonight!" the parrot said. The owl said, "Whoo? Whoo? And the parrot said, "Not you, you big-eyed Son of a Bitch


    417. Women's guide to drive Men crazy...


    1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.
    2. Be ambigious. Always.
    3. Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.
    4. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years,months, or decades ago...or with other boyfriends.
    5. Make them apologize for everything.
    6. Stash feminine products in their cars, backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.
    7. Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks.
    8. Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud. Look at them. Smile. (haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa)
    9. Look them in the eye and start laughing.
    10. Get mad at them for everything.
    11. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.
    12. Hold grudges.
    13. Demand to be called or e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.
    14. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.
    15. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his 'little princess.'
    16. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.
    17. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast.
    18. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Independence is a sign of weakness.
    19. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.
    20. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i.e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library...for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.
    21. Fall for your FAC. (I don't know what this is)
    22. Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.
    23. Correct their grammar.
    24. Describe back-alley abortions. Then remind them of their mother or little sister.
    25. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.
    26. Leave out the good parts in stories.
    27. Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship group. Make sure to cause trouble.
    28. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.
    29. Declare that you are not wacko.
    30. Criticize the way they dress.
    31. Criticize the music they listen to.
    32. Criticize their hair.
    33. Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.
    34. Try to change them.
    35. Try to mold them.
    36. Try to get them to dance.
    37. Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when confronted.
    38. When they screw up, never let them forget it.
    39. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting. Just because.
    40. Blame everything on PMS.
    41. Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.
    42. Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"
    43. Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half inch.
    44. Read into everything.
    45. Over-analyze everything.
    46. Make it your goal to make them cry.


    418.


    It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest.


    "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During W.W.II I hid Jewish man in my attic."
    "Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."
    "But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."
    "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
    "Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Er, I have one more question..."
    "What is that, my son?"
    "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
    419. SUBJ: Virus Alert


    VIRUS WARNING!!! VIRUS WARNING!!! VIRUS WARNING!!! VIRUS WARNING!!!


    Dear Internet user,


    It seems that the destructive minds who like to invent computer viruses have struck again. A new virus, popularly known as INTERNET EXPLORER 4.0, has been propagating the Net for several weeks now. MILLIONS of computers have been infected by this insidious virus (mostly PCs, and a few Macintoshes as well.) This virus is one of the MOST DANGEROUS yet unleashed on the computing public!


    INTERNET EXPLORER 4.0 is known to have the following horrible effects on infected computers:


    * It WASTES an incredible amount of HARD DISK SPACE, space which could otherwise be used for productive applications
    * It causes the infected computer's performance to be DRASTICALLY REDUCED--Pentium machines which are stricken are known to slow down to the speed of a 486
    * It surreptitiously MODIFIES the underlying operating system, causing the CORE FUNCTIONALITY of the instrument to change RADICALLY
    * It, through the use of Trojan-like ALTERATIONS to the core Java APIs, may cause Java applets to MALFUNCTION. These effects are so SEVERE that the designers of Java, Sun Microsystems, are taking LEGAL ACTION against the inventors of this terrible virus
    * It, once installed, is VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE for the average user to remove from the system
    * It is known to create SECURITY HOLES, which can allow unknown users to DELETE or DESTROY files on your hard drive
    * It is known to cause many popular and reliable Internet browsers, such as NETSCAPE NAVIGATOR and NETSCAPE COMMUNICATOR, to not function correctly
    * It is even known to infect NEWLY PURCHASED computers coming from reputable manufacturers like COMPAQ and DELL. These companies have so far been POWERLESS to prevent this virus from being installed on the computers they sell.
    * It is known to be UNDETECTABLE by most virus-checking software packages


    The good news is that the JUSTICE DEPARTMENT is currently investigating the rogue hackers who CONCOCTED this destructive virus. They have been traced to a Seattle suburb, and may face fines of ONE MILLION DOLLARS PER DAY for the pernicious manner in which this virus is being distributed. The bad news is that millions of computers have ALREADY BEEN INFECTED. The inventors of this virus even have the gall to gleefully BOAST about this terrible fact on their web site!


    Here's what YOU can do:
    1) If you see a website with the "Internet Explorer" logo, do **NOT** click on the logo. This can cause this virus to be DOWNLOADED and INSTALLED on your system!
    2) If your computer is ALREADY INFECTED, and it's a Windows-based PC, call the technical support hotline at Microsoft (the company which wrote Windows), and ask them for instructions on how to DISABLE and REMOVE this virus. They should have instructions to do so.


    I apologize for the URGENT TONE of this message, but only if we WORK TOGETHER can the spread of the dreaded INTERNET EXPLORER 4.0 virus be slowed or stopped.


    420.


    Early one morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.
    "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
    "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
    "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
    "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me,"
    "Oh! that's no reason. Come on, you have to go to school,"
    "Give me two good reasons WHY I should go to school?"
    "One, you are FIFTY TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school."


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