Ikariku's Funny Library

!!!!! Notice !!!!!!

All the jokes i posted on the homepage is composed by someone else, not me..
I have no copyrights on those jokes.....
If u r the composer.... then sorry....
If u r just a reader... then enjoy....




  • 391. A man has 27 parts that don't work for him.


    20 "nails" that don't nail
    1 "belly" button that doesn't button
    2 tits that don't milk
    1 cock that doesn't crow
    2 balls that don't bounce
    1 ass that doesn't do any work
    So what are you women smiling at?
    You have a "pussy" that doesn't catch mice!


    392.


    Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who offered a solution:


    "The good news is that I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."


    Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.


    He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need -- a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job.", the salesman said.


    Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see 34 sleeve and ... 16 and a half neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."


    Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9 and a half ... wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."


    Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,"Let's see ...size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."


    The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."


    393.


    A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.


    The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."


    The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.


    The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."


    The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"


    The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"


    394.


    * Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.


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    * Actually, should the truth be known, there are a lot of good ways to "handle" a woman. Unfortunately, not a man alive knows any of them.


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    * You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nites, and so does she.


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    * This yuppie couple in Columbia Maryland started their own computer business and for a while did really well. Then business started dropping off. During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid."The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh Yeah ??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur AND the gardener."


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    * Personally I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and Father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.


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    * We have a young couple in the neighborhood who are truly inseparable. Last week, it took four Howard County Policemen and a dog.


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    * According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.


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    * Did any of you other married guys out there ever wonder whether it's better to have loved and lost, than to have loved and won ?


    395.


    Men get laid, but women get screwed. -- Quentin Crisp (English writer)


    When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. -- Frederick Ryder


    Women need a reason to have sex -- men just need a place. -- Billy Crystal.


    I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave? -- Beverly Mickins (American comedienne)


    Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may love you instead of laugh at you. -- Mrs. Patrick Campbell (English actress)


    Eventually, all men come out of the bathroom dressed as a majorette. -- Ernestyne White


    A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times. -- Sanskrit proverb


    There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." -- Jerry Seinfeld


    We got new advice as to what motivated man to walk upright: to free his hands for masturbation. -- Jane Wagner


    March isn't the only thing that's in like a lion, out like a lamb. -- Anonymous


    You know why God is a man? Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate. -- Carrie Snow


    Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last. -- Remy de Gourmant (French writer)


    A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses. -- H.L. Mencken (American writer, 1888-1956)


    When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment. -- Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)


    Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it. -- Lyndon B. Johnson


    Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable? -- Carrie Snow


    God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question. -- Anonymous


    396.


    A man who went to Church with his wife fell always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th.." she poked her husband who came flying out of the pew and screamed "Good God all mighty".


    The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath. and later began to doze off again when the minister got to "... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins..." the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ". The Minister said "that's right, That's Right" and went on with his sermon.


    The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child" the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said "If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off".


    397. SUBJ: AT&T Customer Service Memorandum


    Please stop submitting complaints. This is our system. We designed it, we built it, and we use it more than you do. Forget about your silly problem; instead, let's take a look at some of the *features* of your AT&T computer system:


    * Options
    We've got lots of them. So many in fact, that you would need two strong people to carry around the documentation if we had bothered to write it. So many that even we don't know what most of them do. If you don't like it, call Technologies. They'll tell you to see Figure 1.


    * Integrated Voice and Data
    What the heck is integrated voice and data? All it means is that you can talk on the phone while you are typing on your terminal. So what if the terminal and the phone aren't integrated; that's not what we advertise. Besides, you probably can't even walk and chew gum at the same time, much less talk and type. If you can, see Figure 1.


    * Unix
    We invented it; it's perfect, and we're the only ones who do it right. We're so happy with it, we put it on every kind of computer we make. If you want a computer with a stable file system, get a VAX. Another thing: Those nerds from Berkeley are just troublemaking hackers who have a productivity complex. They took our operating system and made it useful, so we told them to see Figure 1.


    * Applications Software
    We give you MS-word; what else do you want? So what if it is a clumsy port from another operating system, it works doesn't it? Well, okay, it sort of works. If you want applications software, get a Macintosh. We spoke with our applications software people about this, and they think a lot like we do; they said "see Figure 1."


    * Shells
    We have two shells; one we sell and one we use. The Bourne shell is plenty good for trivial little hacks, which is all you do anyway. Don't ask for the Korn shell either. It's great, everybody at AT&T has a copy, but we won't give it to you. Besides, if you want to do anything important, write it in C. We told our shell programmers to see Figure 1 a long time ago.


    * The C Programming Language
    We like it so much we named a book after it. You can do anything our machines can do, which is not very much. Where else can you put so much unreadable code in such a small space? Besides, you probably should be programming in the shell anyway; C is too hard for you. We've already told all our C programmers to see Figure 1.


    * Support
    We have thousands of service people out there, but most of them are busy. If your computer breaks, you will just have to wait. Our techs are rehashed phone installers, so don't expect them to be very helpful unless it involves tip and ring. If you need real support, see Figure 1.


    In conclusion, stuff your complaint. Love your AT&T computer or leave it, but don't complain to us. We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company. If you don't like it, you know what to do.


    [Editor's Note: "Figure 1," which appears at the bottom in the original text, is a "universally-recognized hand signal." ;-) ]


    398. SUBJ: A Glossary of Your PC's Messages--By Kevin Pease


    It says: "Press Any Key"
    It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."


    It says: "Press A Key"
    (This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)


    It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E"
    It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."


    It says: "Installing program to C:\...."
    It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."


    It says: "Please insert disk 11"
    It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."


    It says: "Not enough memory"
    It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K."


    It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
    It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."


    It says: "Please Wait...."
    It means: "... Indefinitely."


    It says: "Directory does not exist...."
    It means: ".... any more. Whoops."


    It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
    It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back."


    399. SUBJ: No Wonder They Call[ed] It "Wow!"


    I'd had WOW!(tm) from Compuserve(tm) for about two or three months, when all of a sudden my e-mail stopped working. I decided to wait a week or two before calling WOW(tm)'s tech support, just to see if it would get fixed soon. Finally, I called tech support and told them what was happening.


    Their rep asked how much RAM I had; I told her 16 meg. Then she asked how much was free. I was wondering, "Now how the ..?"


    When she realized I didn't know how to do that she said, "Okay here, I'll walk you through this. I have a sheet of instructions. First: open MY COMPUTER, then click the hard drive once. Look at the part at the bottom of the window ... what does it say under free space?"


    WOW! NOW I HAVE 750 MEG OF FREE RAM! Woo-Hoo!


    400. SUBJ: More Geek Humour From Apple


    Excerpted from the Newton Programmer's Guide:


    pp. 10-4, 10-5: Creating Sound Frames Procedurally: The samples slot in a sound frame as returned by the functions GetSound or GetSound11 does not contain the binary sample data itself. It actually contains a pointer to this data in your application package. You cannot write to this slot because in doing so you are actually trying to write to read-only package data. Do not do this; it wastes your time and annoys the ROM.


    pg. 12-43: The Target Slot: The target slot contains the soup entry with which the user is working, such as the current card, note, or caffeine record to be filed.


    Of course Apple has always had the most joke-laden manuals. I remember the boot code in the Apple II's ROM, which was generously listed in the old spiral-bound manuals. One comment read "Code from this point on is sacred. It should not be changed." (The 6502 took a little extra time to cross a page boundary, if anyone's interested.) A little later a comment read "Code from this point on is no longer sacred. It may be perverted in any manner by any pervert." There are others, but I've forgotten them over the years.


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