Jonathan's Trip to Graceland

It all started in the summer of 99' when I was roaming the streets one night. I stumbled upon a nice couple making out, and tapped them gently on the shoulders. They took one look at me and shrieked and ran away. I guess they thought I was a celebrity or something. I then looked upon the bench they had lit upon and found two small, white rectangular pieces of paper. They were plane tickets... to Memphis. One thought immediately shot through my skull. Graceland! The home of Elvis, the bastard who stole my look, and my shot at fame. Yes, in Graceland I would hold my revenge against Elvis.

The tickets were for the following Thursday, and killing the time until then was hellacious. It mostly involved procuring vats of pig's blood to drop on Elvis' head when he least expected it. And when it wasn't that, it was usually a very angry game of "All Star Tennis".

The day arrived, and I boarded the plane, beaming from ear to ear. For reasons unbeknownst to me, I was taken aside by airport security, where they proceeded to grope my face. The silently whispered to themselves so quietly I couldn't even hear them. I did, however, make out the following sentences, "It's gotta be a mask." and "People just don't GET that ugly." I guess they were talking about someone they saw on the plane.

After a few minutes, I was permitted to board the plane, and before I knew it, I was in Mexico... or at least I thought I was until the kind gentleman in the seat behind me informed me that this was the United States. I didn't honestly have the time for all of that "OMAHGOD! What country am I in?" nonsense.

Anyways.. it was then I also realized I didn't have a rental car.. OR any luggage.. OR any money. All I remembered to bring was my handy dandy vat of pigs blood, so cleverly hidden in a plastic sack I found in my cabinet.

I hitchhiked. Wowee there aren't many people who go to Graceland around there. I couldn't get anyone to pull over for at least the first 15 hours. Finally, I was able to flag down a nice fellow in a purple Geo Metro. I'd never met a nicer guy in my life.. but my lord did he have an obsession with rainbows. He obviously wasn't from Tennessee.. or from anywere in the United States I know. He had one weird accent. Maybe he was Canadian.

I waved to him as he kindly let me off at the Graceland gate at about 11:00 AM. I grabbed my sack of pig's blood and took off up the winding road leading to the house of Elvis, my despised foe. Much to my suprise, MANY people were wandering around the halls of the Presley mansion. It was like he just let them in, or something.

I proceeded to walk around the place, guising myself to be a big Elvis fan. I asked people if they had heard his new record. They all laughed at me. Was Elvis not good anymore?

One minute I'm walking down the halls asking various people if they had seen Elvis lately, and the next thing I know, those bastards kicked me out of Graceland!

I was a defeated man. I walked toward the nearest curb outside the gates and cried for a few hours until a nice lady sat down next to me and asked me what was wrong

"I-I-I came all this way to humiliate Elvis, and I can't even find the bastard!" I blubbered.

"Well.. hun.. Elvis is.. you know.." she replied.

"He's already dead?" I whined

"No," the lady said, "he's right over there!"

"Well HOT DAMN!" I exclaimed. I grabbed my sack of pig's blood and ran over to the man in the white jump suit. I tapped him on the shoulder, and when he whirled around, I heaved the blood right into his face! He dropped to his knees covering his eyes, and screaming, "My eyes! Priscilla! My eyes! Awww! Don't be cruel!!"

I ran off into the humid Tennessee night, victorious over Elvis Presley.. The King.... OF THE RATS! HAA HA HA HA HAAAA!!!