Colonel Helmet's Highly Irregulars -- interlude (chapter 7)

As Colonel Helmet climbed out of the enemy's window his open zipper caught on the edge of the sill. Not noticing his predicament he continued to struggle over the edge to slip away into the night after unloading the mark of death upon the hapless skmo commander. As he finally wiggled his way to freedom his zipper gave way with a ripping sound and he fell to the ground. About to let loose with a piercing "WANG FUCKER!" he heard the dirty skmo inside begin to awake. Looking in for a last glimpse at the unfortunate whale eater he quietly laughed to himself. And lit a cigarette. He began to walk away through the shadows of the skmo encampment when Major Thor's voice came over the radio piece in his ear. Not actually his voice, but the heavy breathing was unmistakable as the Major finished leaving the mark of death on the forehead of skmo General Twertakanthuk (seducer of walruses). While smiling about the mess that the major had just made he turned a corner between the tents and stopped dead in his tracks. An unfortunate skmo private was standing guard in front of a tent 5 yards in front of him. Fortunately the young skmo's eyes were so sunblinded from his years of hellish living in the arctic that they were unable to see more than 2 feet in front of him at night. Slowly ducking behind a crate of whale blubber MRE's the Colonel let out a sigh of relief. As he was standing behind the crate thinking of a way to avoid the skmo an eardrum shattering noise began coming from his radio earpiece.

L. Col Kniess had just finished his last beer while waiting outside the camp for the others to return. It had seemed like a simple enough task when given to him at first, lay down on a hill and shoot anything that is Highly Regular. But soon enough lying on the hill pretending to shoot things while making Bzhou-Bzhou lazer noises became boring and Kniess began to fall asleep. Sleeping while the others were depending on him to kill things was unacceptable so the L. Col. immediately thought of a solution to the problem. "I must drink!" he thought to himself and opened up the emergency case he always kept with him in his combat pack. After the first two beers he drank it seemed like he just wanted to sleep even more so following perfectly good logic he decided to keep drinking till he didnt feel like sleeping any longer. After finishing the 24th and last beer, his belly had swelled to mammoth proportions. He felt the eruption coming and tried to warn the others, but it was too late. "Bwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaau" As the others eardrums began to bleed he heard their screams over the radio.

Colonel Helmet's head felt like it would shatter. He fell to the ground clutching his ears and screaming in agony. He had evaded the skmo guard the first time but the painful scream was enough to bring the skmo running. As Colonel Helmet recovered he looked up to see the unbelieving and terrified eys of the young skmo. Just when the guard had realized who he was looking at and what this meant he started to scream and sound the alarm. But it was too late. Colonel Helmet flicked his lit cigarette into the skmo's mouth. Normally this would have only resulted in slight discomfort and a tingly sensation, but as luck would have it the young guard had downed a few shots of bourbon before his shift to keep him entertained and warm. The cigarette ignited the alcohol on the breath of the skmo causing him to explode. Kind of like a pinata. Only goopier. The Colonel stood up, brushed the chunk of skmo liver off of his shoulder and screamed the only skmo words he knew, "Alwaa ishkan fulzummiet, alkmmahgarndalkejr skmos alsyertinom!" (Don't tread on me, you fucking dirty skmos!) He ran back to the hilltop where L. Col. Kniess was, looking down on the camp through his 24x magnifying scope. Major Thor was already there and they were both taking shots at everything that moved in the camp. "Where is the Captain?", Colonel Helmet asked. The Major and L. Col. just looked at each other, looked back at Helmet and Thor replied, "i dont know, we thought he was with you."

The doctor woke up laying on the floor. This was not right, he remembered a soft bed with warm blankets. His hands and feet were tied. This was even less right. He remembered freely moving hands and feet. He looked up and saw 14 of the highest ranking Skmo commanders sitting in a circle around him. This was not good at all. Then it hit him, after delivering his own message of death he had tripped twice while on his way back to the hilltop. Quickly ducking into an igloo to look for a rope or string or something to prevent trippage he had decided to take a quick nap in the warm bed inside. "Just enough sleep so i can make it back to the hill." he had told himself. The plan had backfired. And he didnt like the look the skmos had in their eyes.




Chapter the First
Kapital Zwei
Chapter the Third
Capitolo Quattro
Kapitel Funf
Enemy Scene (chapter 6)
interlude (chapter 7)
Chapter 8
chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter the Tenth
Chapter 11
12 Chapter
Chapter 12
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