12.2.2000
this site has become dormant....and the only conclusion that i can reach is that i haven't been completely honest with myself. tonight i took a bath....the dry air here has wreaked havoc on my skin so i scrubbed my face with exfoliant. as i sloughed the expired skin cells from my cheeks i had this strange sensation that i was scrubbing away a lie. i have unresolved issues that haunt me. and if i ever thought that my life could progress before closure i must have been crazy......some beginnings drop off and leave you hanging....and the years may slide by, but there's always a lingering sensation...and it pervades all that is you.
i contemplate past scenarios sometimes....more often than i should. and i question my integrity....and what it really means to be me. and sharing on this site has become more difficult because people i know up-close and personal come here....the layering makes it easier. few people have the time to know what is on the inside. including those i love.
dreams can be haunting....and supposition can lead to false hope. and knowing that something is right is a luxury i have never beheld. and "what if" can be the most terrifying question.
9.14.2000
holy typ-os, batman. i'll try to do better on this post. i just spent several minutes cleaning up that last one.
after the alpine show we headed for indiana. i slept while brad drove and when i awoke the next morning we were at the rest park on 65 about 20 miles south of lafayette. i was sort of surprised that we had made it that far.
i took the wheel and pushed towards home with a stop at the davidson-wilson greenhouse in roachdale. we made it to mom and dad's at about 2pm. we were beat tired, but we managed to hang with the family. on sunday we had a big surprise gathering for my dad's 50th which was pretty cool. i got to visit with relatives i hadn't seen in quite some time and a few family friends. when we got back to mom and dad's brad and i drove down to the ohio river and walked around for a bit. then we went out to my granny and uncle sam's place in the country where we visited until 9pm. it was nice and quiet as usual and i was glad we went.
on monday we abandoned ship and took off toward pine knob. arriving just before show time we had just enough time to get our tickets and change into something warmer before the boys came out. the hill was alive with chilly concert-goers and a cool breeze wheeled through the arena. there were no vendors in the lots and the security was a little less than kind. brad and i spent a majority of the show under a blanket trying to block out the cold. the show was better blended than alpine and i was happy to hear a sugar magnolia. bobby again kept his voice on track and by the encore i was hollering, "let bob sing!" i think he would've done justice to the "black muddy river" finale.
about 20 miles out of detroit i decided that we were getting a hotel room for the night. i was tired of sleeping on couches and in the car and ready for some room. we slept comfortably after enjoying a little "nick at nite".
our departure from the hotel led to a full day of driving so we could make it home in time for work on wednesday. we drove and drove and drove. by the time we reached milwaukee it was 4pm and we needed to stretch our legs so we made a quick stop at the mitchell conservatory. we took in the beautiful sites of the three domes, particularly fascinated with the arid dome. the cacti and succulents were huge and beautiful and i was enamored with them.
we made it home tuesday night at about midnight...tired. and not overly excited about work the next day...but 5 days and 2,300 miles later it was worth the effort.
9.10.2000
i'm feeling fairly good. the house is a mess still, but i got a few things accomplished. visited the neighbor, dug the potatoes, the tomatoes are boiling for drying into powder...and i managed to get the pears washed and into the refrigerator....finding a couple of ripe ones along the way to munch on.
i finally feel rested from the trip....and perhaps a little more stable mentally. we left last thursday for a day in winona which was nice. we had lasagne with brad's parents and visited jeff at work. we dropped in on brad's grandma and stopped at both of his brothers' homes seeing jeff and heidi's baby room.
our night ended on cindy's roof after an abbreviated visit with jose. somewhere in the middle we managed to walk the dogs at latch island and down by old man river. they were beat and so were we.
sleeping on the roof was welcome. the clouds rolled by gaping at new intermissions providing a starry peep show. it was the coolest spot we could've hoped to find that humid day.
the following morning we stopped at brad's parents' home to get ready for the weekend. after a shower and a change we made our way to jeff's so the 6 of us could caravan to alpine. the scene at alpine was warm...not only meteorologically, but in kinship as well. vendors were dealing and people were milling. a girl approached me where i sat and informed me that i had given her a tape at blackhawk farms. i knew she looked familiar and told her which show...mickey and the hartbeats...10.30.68. i thanked her for introducing herself and felt pretty good.
the show was high energy....ziggy joined the boys for a "stir it up" that rocked my world. between ziggy and the boys we made our way to an open spot directly behind the gate for the pavilion seats. we were looking for traction. eventually it was clear that we were going to get a show. people were sliding between the orange fencing segment and sliding over and under the bars to spend their night on the run from security. a pretty big fellow, staggering drunk, barely holding up his flat-top haircut made his attempts sloppily and was kindly led across the border several times. security finally began to man the area watching for slicksters. they were kind and quiet mostly. the drunk dude tore down the fencing and bumped into us all night..........no one was going to say a thing to him.
the fellows next to us, marty and ...josh, i think..........were super cool. i met them by asking what their call for opener was going to be....marty got it with his call of "jack straw". bob crooned through a lovely "blackbird". "touch of grey" was a brilliant srprise and i felt that i would get by.......despite the headache i had developed i was happy to see the gathering of all kinds....the happy-go-lucky moments that are all too fleeting...everyone was captured by the power of magic for those few hours.
to be continued
8.27.2000
the weekend has been up-lifting. friday afternoon i exited the officce early so i could rest my eyes. i felt like my left eye was about to fall out of my head after a 5 day headache. my intentions where to stay away from the keyboard most of the weekend and put aside the novel i've been enjoying...and getting lots of rest.
i jumped off the burnsville exit in search of a good salad and with the thought of a new plant....something special to nurture. i ended up with a couple of tacos from taco john's and topped it off with a gorgeous lavender and white blooming dendrobium orchid. it is absolutely lovely on the window shelf in our living room, resting its blooms against the purple passion plant and the tri-color wandering jew (i also have a purple swedish ivy in that window so the complimentary tones are really working it).
friday night was spent with our neighbor, mike....i sat in the recliner and watched t.v.. my headache disappeared. i came home, read and went to bed.......the next morning i was up at a quarter after eight. it was the sweetest wake-up i had had in too long....my bedroom door creaked and i softly came to watching kyra slink her body around the door and hop lightly onto the bed. she stepped over me, nestled up to my back and laid her head over my shoulder....her soft breath gliding across my face. i took several minutes enjoying our morning cuddle, massaging her shoulders, neck and chin as she made playful and suggestive gestures.
early mornings are wonderful when there is nothing absolutely necessary....i washed the dishes and carted off the recyclables. i ordered some plants...and played on the computer. last night we visited with the neighbor and got to bed early.
today we went to the fair....yum! this feels to be the first weekend of the rest of my life. i have 3 workdays before my vacation. when return i will be giving my notice, and although that might be a hassle initially, it will smooth out as i waste away my final days as an office manager....at least this office.
8.25.2000
sometimes i crack myself up. there are days of pure epiphany once in awhile.....those days when i feel like confronting things. i was flipped off this afternoon by a 40-something balding gentleman wearing a yellow golf shirt and sunglasses. his wife with her smart wedge haircut and glasses was reading at the time. he cut me off....i stopped...and he went on flipping me the bird. i try to be nice and forgive....but i couldn't resist....i returned the gesture and motioned him into the lot i was entering. man, i wish he would have followed so i could calmly ask him how i was supposed to know he was going to cut me off....and was the gesture really necessary?
i would love to see a reaction to rational questioning.
i used to go home on a road in carmel, indiana, a northeast suberb of indy, where there was a four-way stop that was nearly always backed up for approximately a half-mile. nearly every time i got up to my turn a soccer mom in a beamer or a new malibu (sometimes an explorer or durango) would bolt through behind the car before me. generally, they were very unintimidating people....carmel is a non-violent town due to wealth and an ever-present police population. i had fantasies aout following one of these unsuspecting well-to-dos and asking them in my best little cindy lou who voice...."why, miss, why? why do you feel that you deserve to get home before me?"
i really don't get too upset in traffic...it's actually interesting to watch people get nuts. i take it in stride and count things....like jaguars...yesterday i was behind a new black onvertible jag with 2 twenty-something dudes obviously enjoying the ride. this morning on the same stretch of the road running parrellel to the one we had been on, i got behind an older model black jag....and i ask....what are the odds? pretty cool....i think the older ones are choice....there's something classy about them.
it's the same with corvettes.....i haven't liked a 'vette that's been made since the 60s.....there's something sinister about the front hoods....
we just went over to the neighbor's, where i watched some of the X games....cool. i dig the way those atheletes have such focus....something admirable about the guts and physical self-awareness in it.
8.21.2000b
i promise to archive soon.
8.21.2000
an obvious lapse in the journal entries.
it has been so long because i couldn't think of anything to say. over the past few months i've been in a rut, our office opened and i began the long drive everyday to the cities. i had hoped i might be able to work from home......since my position is one of an out of office marketing manager for a fledgling service company i envisioned myself tooting around on appointments.....doing my computer work from home. instead i make the drive, and sit at my desk where i feel alone, and sad. i get my work done, and some days i stay late and finish things up that have sat too long, but the economics of my time in the office have been bad. i tend to browse the web from time to time and then there are those days where i sit and do nothing but pay bills, work on my website and dream. and i start to think about how worthless i am at getting things done. there is a part of me that thinks i must be doing fine......i get it all finished....and i figure the other employees are socializing to a degree...that eats up work time, right? i can rationalize it all i want, but the hard-boiled fact is that i sit alone all day and feel uncertain....am i doing this right? should i be doing this? am i forgetting to do something? what is really important? did they understand what i was saying? i hate to be so hard on people and a situation.......i have just realized that some people really rub me the wrong way. some days i find myself marveling at the stupidity. and you see, this isn't healthy for me. and this is the reason i haven't written in my journal. when i write i write to clear my head.....and i want people to read it, but ever since i met some of the wonderful people on the other end of the wires i don't want to tarnish their opinion of me.
i could have spent the past few weeks bitching and moaning about the call center manager who after 3 requests for her to use my work sponsored e-mail rather than my personal yahoo account.....still refuses to cooperate, sending me e-mails of mailing lists for our company blocking my main e-mail. and i could tell you that i think she's a couple cards short of a deck since some of the e-mails i send over elicit the exact opposite response from what i wanted....and how eventually a phone call will be in order and she won't recall the e-mail that i'm referencing and i end the conversation stating that i will mail it to her again so we can get it taken care of.......she's under alot of pressure though...and i should never be so mean
or i could mention how the data i worked on for the first four months was improperly entered into our database, the lifeblood of our service. and how i don't have any type of access to this database yet because they are working on dial-up access for us which will be finished in november even though we've been open since april 24th and i am supposed to sell our concept and advertising to people with good ratings in that database but i have to rely on faxed copies of incomplete data and many of the companies with the best ratings were sent over with the original data but because the data didn't go in right their information is all lost and the three or so times i have asked about this over the last 2 months i have been given the response that they are working on it with our computer people and there has always been a vague comment about a seperate problem we are having to which i add info about the real issue of the missing data....but i don't think they know what i'm talking about and it seems to be a big cover-up because i mention it to the same person later and they still seem lost......so i explain again.....and then there is the issue of time off....i accumulate 17 days a year and have only had 5 off up until this point and yet whenever i ask for those days that won't carry over until next year i get a major guilt trip and no one offers to help pick up the slack so when i return i always have to spend an equal amount of time making up the work i missed.....
i could have been writing about the hell that is going to work everyday, but i didn't because complaining sucks.......but now that i've decided to liberate myself and go on to who knows what i will unload the headache that sits on me every night as i sort out my plan of action for the following day at the office.....i'm taking back my life. abandoning my responsibility. i feel guilty and relieved all at the same time. and i wish i hadn't written all of that mean stuff....but man it felt good.
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