INFOMERCIALS
Infomercials. You see more and more of them come on everyday. Just last week, I was checking out the broadcast channels (all two of them that we get over here at the LU trailer park) and found that both were running these half hour ‘torture ‘em into buying’ shows that were quite plainly thought up by demented patients at St. Nancy’s Mental Facilities in Tasmania.
At first I was a little upset that channel 7 was indulging in a half hour of trying to sell me the Kawasaki Molecular Hair Steamer at exactly the same time channel 12 was take 30 minutes to sell me some sort of herbal cure for diarrhea. (You know the first thought that always comes to my mind when I have the runs is, "Well, the obvious solution here is to swallow wadded up grasses and other fibrous plant parts.") Yes that’s right at EXACTLY the same time. I’m still trying to guess how that came about. (So far the only thing I've come up with is that the station owners wanted to sabotage their ratings, grab the insurance money and run.)Anyway, after I got done grieving over this meaningless waste. I thought, "Hey, these things must be somewhat successful for them to be playing so often."
Paying tuition fees at LeTourenau, I am ever on the look out to make a quick buck or two… or 10 grand. I’ve thought about it quite a bit, and I have decided it would be fairly easy to produce one of these infomercials. Here are my six steps to successful infomercial creation.
Step 1: First you have to recognize your target consumer group. Basically this would be the 68 percent of Americans who have an IQ roughly equal to their shoe size yet, strangely, also have access to several major credit cards. (Just as a side note, the latest public opinion polls say that Americans view Bill Clinton favorably by 68 percent. Isn’t that an odd coincidence?)
Step 2: Next you have to come up with a product that has no value whatsoever to humanity in general, but one which you can easily dupe your target consumer group into purchasing. A couple of examples: Harmonicas constructed entirely out of chocolate pudding. Spray paint for bald people that looks like hair. Stain remover that can actually separate your carpet into its equivalent mass of free quarks and leptons. Ginsu Knives that can cut through 4 x 4 beams of hard wood.
Little rabbit trail here. I’ve always wondered what exactly cutting through a chunk of wood is supposed to prove for a knife. If I find something in the fridge that has a molecular make up resembling that of a wooden pole, which happens quite frequently actually, I always reach for the 16 pound sledge with a blade end rather than mauling the thing for half an hour with a kitchen knife that doubles as a hand saw.
Products aren’t the only things that sell well. Get rich quick schemes are rampant in the infomercial world. Usually it’s a guy who has made millions and claims that he wants to help you do the same out of the goodness of his heart. He‘ll sell you a book for little or no money down and only $99.99 a month that tells how he suckered thousands of people out of their money by having them pay ludicrous amounts of cash for cheaply printed books.
I also saw one where this guy was trying to get people to change their phone number to a 900 number and then slap the new phone number in all the major papers across the country. Evidentially when the typical paper reader sees a mysterious 900 number, latent human instincts left over from prehistoric times urge him/her to dial it. Besides with a 900 number you can charge your family and loved ones through the nose to talk to you. That infomercial ended with something like, "Just call 1-900-CAS-H4ME and have a major credit card ready. Sorry no C.O.D.s. Please be prepared for a short hold time."
Step 3: Decide on the type of commercial you want to do. The overwhelming majority of infomercialdom is going with the talk show format. This is a smart choice for two reasons. First it keeps peoples attention because with the plethora of talk shows going around, they might figure this is a real one they just haven’t seen yet. Secondly, that 68 percent of Americans I was describing earlier pretty much makes up the entire TV audience, studio audience, and guest pool for the Oprah Winfrey, Rosie O’Donald, Montel Williams, Maurry Povitch, and Jerry Springer shows. So you know that the target group is comfortable with this format. They’ll see the studio and go, "Look Ma, maybe theys gonna talk about ‘transvestite polar bears and the arctic seals that love them’ again. Could be another seal’ll get et." By the time the target consumer group figures out that the infomercial isn’t a real talk show (which incidentally might not be in this lifetime for most of them) they have already given the operators their credit card numbers, bank account numbers, PIN numbers, and permission for their first born to be taken as a slave should they not be able to pay only $29.95 a month for 321 months.
Step 4: Get the right people for the commercial. For instance if you are selling the molecular hair steamer, get a guy with a French sounding name who talks with a lisp and have him comb a beautiful woman’s hair on stage. Casting for these commercials is crucial. Also you need to pay your fake talk show audience well. It helps if you promise that during the taping, you will be in the catwalks throwing 50 dollar bills at whoever claps the most. In this way your ‘talk show’ will sound something like the super bowl, and thus will further confuse your target consumers. ("Well, I thought it might be a commercial, but I don’t know. I’ve never seen so many people this excited over a 24 slot toaster before. Maybe they know something...") It also helps if you get people with names that sound like famous people on your commercial. This way the target consumer group can get pumped about the show. "Mom! It’s DawnVaudJanClam! And he’s selling miracle pancake turners!"
Step 5: Throw a bunch of scientific sounding stuff in there. It doesn’t matter if it proves anything or even whether it makes sense. We’ve already discussed the intellect of the target consumer group. These are people who are impressed with any type of clothing that looks remotely like something they’ve seen the doctors wear on General Hospital, so you don’t even have to hire real scientists. House painters, biology lab students from your local high school, pottery workers in smocks it doesn’t matter. All you have to do is slap pocket protectors on them and have them say things like, "These powerful, rare earth magnets attract the iron in your blood so strap one to your bad joint and suck all your blood right to the spot." Target consumer groups eat this up. They aren’t going to ask about how exactly the blood gets back to their heart if the magnets are so powerful, or why they couldn’t just run a vacuum cleaner over the bad joint for a few minutes to achieve the same effect. They are going to pick up the phone and say, "What must I do to acquire such a wonder? My oldest son is eligible for slavery…"
Step 6: You have to convince networks to play your tape. In the past this has been done by paying them lots of money. That cuts down on profit, however. My recent experience with two major networks running infomercials at the same time, has made me think that whoever it is that schedules shows for these networks might fall into that 68 percent category we talked about earlier. If this is the case, you just have to convince them that their opponent station is running a special on CD cases that double as coasters, and that they need to respond with a good infomercial in that time slot. If your commercial is done well, not only will they run it for little or no money down, but they might buy one of whatever you’re selling. "So what you’re saying is that all I have to do is add water and the Cosmic Power Crystal will disappear, turning into an invisible spirit guide who will help me make sound financial decisions? I gotta get me one of these. Here’s my first easy payment of $69.99."
There you go. A formula for successful infomercials. You’re welcome, and yes I continue to deny any affiliation with St. Nancy’s of Tasmania.