Pilot Jokes

Heard in the air

Author: Mike Higham submitted on Apr. 26 2005

Here's one I heard, allegededly true:

Pilot: "Lydd Tower, Golf-Xray.. with you. FL600"
Lydd Tower: "Good Afternoon, Golf-Xray.., Roger, advise on re-entry."

Noise Abatement

Author: Anonymous submitted on Mar. 4 2004

I'm a controller at a center. On a particularly ruff day on the scopes......
C: American twenty-fortynine, turn right 30 for noise abatement.
P: AHHHH Center what kind of noise abatement can you have at Flight level 330???
C: The sound of two airliners smashing together...
P: Roger, we're turning 30 right.... expediting

Say your intentions

Author: SLS submitted on Aug. 5 1999

ATC was talking to an Arabic pilot training at Spartan.
ATC: "Cessna xxx radar contact, say intentions"
Pilot: "To get a commercial pilot's licence"

I'm fucked up!

Author: SLS submitted on Aug. 5 1999

An ATC controller was having a hard time with keeping aircraft's call signs straight, but nothing of real consequence, just a bad day. A pilot in the vicinity clicks his mike and says "Well, this is great!, now I'm all fucked up." The controller comes back with "Ok, who was that?" Radio silence ensues for about 5 seconds, then the same pilot replies, "I'm fucked up, but I'm not THAT fucked up!!!!"

How many children?

Author: Tetsuji Rai on Apr. 16

One day, a pilot consulted a fortuneteller, who he had heard always told the truth.
Pilot: "I have heard you are a very good fortuneteller. Please tell me something about me."
Fortuneteller: "Well....you have 3 children."
P: "Oh. You have made a mistake from the first! I have 4 children."
F: "You might believe you have 4 children, but as a matter of fact, you have only 3 children."
P: ..........

Hard Landing

Author: Chris Hall, Submitted by Boulotis Dimitris on Mar. 6 1999

Heard on a BA Airbus 320 flight to Hamburg after a particularly heavy landing,
"Good Morning, Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the Captain speaking. It is normal on these occasions to blame the second pilot for any bad landing, but I cannot lie......it was me."
followed by general laughter around the aircraft.

Conversation between a pilot and an AME (Aviation Medical Examiner)

Author: unknown

Doctor: Turn right and cough.
Pilot: (cough)
Dr: Thank you. When was your last sexual experience?
P: Well...ah..about 1957.
Dr: Kinda been a while ago, hasn't it?
P: Yes...but..I had to leave at 2005 to come over here.

An Air Traffic Controller's Life

Author: unknown

Approach: DC3, turn right to 330.
DC3: Roger 330.
App: DC3, I've been working since last night. Will you do me a favor?
DC3: Affirmative. Go ahead.
App: Down below on your right, you'll see a house with yellow roof near a lake. That is my house. Do you see a Harley Davidson near the house?
DC3: Negative sir. Instead I can see a Ryder's truck.

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