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DKHodz's How-to PageHi and welcome to my
How-to Page. Here I will attempt to
add
some content that is relevant to various tasks I have done. If a
different website has a thorough documentation on a subject, I will
include a link to that site here. If I have other knowledge on a
subject, I will try to share that here.
|
How to spell...
"i" before "e" except after "c".Your dog ate "Times of Yore". You're mad.
To eat two tacos, have a Pepsi, too.
How to succeed at a job interview...
Enter the room. Glance furtively around. Upon spying your interviewer, narrow your eyes at him and drop all items you are carrying on the floor. Let your face relax suddenly as if in realization that you are indeed safe here and begin apologizing profusely to the interviewer for mistaking him or her for your arch-nemesis Murtado. Explain how Murtado has been threatening you telepathically for some time now. Grasp your interviewer's hand warmly, explaining that you always wash your hands after visiting the restroom. Upon being invited to have a seat, reply "Gee thanks, we could sure use another one at home!" and explain that you will take the chair at the conclusion of the interview. Ask your interviewer if you may sit down now...The interview should go
smoothly from here on out, but keep in
mind
these important items to do during the interview...
- Express thanks again for the great chair.
- Compliment the interviewer on their personal appearance.
- Mention your love of either gardening or Don Knotts movies (whichever applies).
- Demonstrate ability to read items from across the room. If no posters or signs are on display, use tape to attach a copy of your resume on the wall. Turn and mark off ten paces, wheel around quickly and rattle off your name. Bang! Nail it good.
- Bite your fingernails only once (don't want to appear TOO perfect).
- Mention "clincher" words like "internet," "time management," and "calligraphy."
Remember the important thing
to do is to make an impression.
If you
must, these are some desperation tactics to make the interviewer
remember you for a long, long time...
- Repeatedly demand to know how much he/she makes.
- Deny every third statement the interviewer makes.
- Emphasize your points by thumping your fist on the desk and shouting.
- Show off your amazing armpit musical skills, explaining that your persistence and hard work has "gotten you this far."
- Do the Chris Farley "butcher and T-bone" story, likening your previous job to a "T-bone" and your ex-boss to a "butcher." Explain that your ex-boss was vehemently heterosexual and would not like to have someone get a good look at the way you performed your last job in the way Mr. Farley described erroneously in "Tommy Boy."
- Ask if you can bring your stuffed animal collection to work with you.
If all else fails to land you the job, tie your interviewer up and lock them in the closet, assuming their role and responsibilities until discovered by Murtado's men in black suits.
