The IBS Expert presents...

IBSperanto - the language of IBS

- if you let this language pass your lips then IBS becomes
a polite & helpful personal assistant instead of a bully that bashes you -

Print this out...  IBSperanto PDF file (40kB) | IBSperanto RTF file (260kB)

IBSperanto is a langage that you eat. When you master it, IBS becomes your slave instead of your master. Your slave is very helpful, polite, NEVER bashes you, and enhances your personal performance. It is an extremely useful language.

This short article covers only the basics of the language. To learn the subtleties of the language you put it into action by using one of the diets on this site. Each diet has its own syntax and grammar. By practising a Relaxation Therapy you can learn even more about IBSperanto.

Like all bullies, IBS is a simple fellow. He has only a limited vocabulary. His language consists of two types of words. Those that he dislikes and those that he likes. Speak the language that he dislikes and he will twist your guts until they scream. Speak the language that he likes and he becomes your slave.

So, first let us look at some words that he hates. Speak these words and he will bring you to your knees. You will have to cancel all engagements and grovel at his feet...

First the C word. This dreaded word should be banned from your vocabulary.
Letting this pass your lips will enrage IBS.

- CEREAL -

Of course this word has many forms and some hangers on. I will list as many as I can muster. They are all extremely obscene...

There are so many of them! I could have listed hundreds more but I think that this will do for now. There is only one safe variant of the C word (that I know of). It is Maize Cornflour.

Second the L word. This is just as bad as the C word. Never let it pass your lips.

- LEGUME -

Again I list some of the huge number of forms of this awful obscene word...

There are just a few safe L variants that I know about. These are peanut, tofu and soy milk.

The above two words are the worst possible ones to utter to the IBS bully. There are some more words that you should also avoid if possible. These do not upset IBS nearly as much as the first two though.

- ROOT VEGETABLE -

It's not a good idea to mention these words to IBS, but if you just whisper them occasionally you might get away with it. Some of them can be juiced (carrot, ginger, beetroot).
It then becomes safe to let them pass your lips.

- PROCESSED FOODS -

These are foods that have been prepared by someone you do not know and stuck in packages for you to buy. They often have lists of ingredients on them as long as your arm. Most of these are numbers, letters & other nonsense. Avoid these foods. There is usually an ingredient in them that will upset IBS. There will be a few that are safe but you will have to search for them. The author has found nougat and turkish delight (good stuff - not crap) to be worth investigating. Also dried meats, dried fruits, fruit leathers, nuts & seeds.

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Now we look at the words that IBS likes. Of course it is not quite that simple and you need to study the IBS diets to learn how to string these words together to keep him nice and sweet.

- Above Ground VEGETABLES -

He likes all of these as long as they do not have any tough fibrous bits left on them. He is particularly fond of cooked onions (fried in butter), cooked mushrooms, asparagus and brocoli. Fresh baby green peas and beans are OK, but not if they have become old & starchy, and no broad beans! Salads go down well in hot weather but avoid the bean, radish & lentil sprouts!
Use alfalfa & fenugreek sprouts instead.

- FRUITS -

He loves all types of fresh ripe fruits and dried fruits, especially when eaten together with nuts. There are some fruits he likes more than others. Banana is his favourite. Lemon, lime & grapefruits are favoured, also kiwifruit, pineapple, papaya, tamarillo & fig. Grapes, oranges, mandarins, mangoes, stone fruit and most berries go down very well. BUT be careful with astringent fruits such as apple, quince, cranberry, blueberry and guava. These can upset him. Also cut off any bitter skins.

- NUTS & SEEDS -

All types of nuts are fantastic, especially when eaten with fruits. His favourite is Almonds. Sunflower & Pumpkin seeds seem to be OK too. If he has trouble with fats, keep nuts and seeds to small amounts, and omit them if problems occur.

- SUGARS & SWEETS -

All sugars are good but they should be eaten in small quantities as large amounts can upset him. The best ones are honey, raw cane sugar, maple syrup, jaggery, golden syrup & treacle. White sugar is OK but he prefers the others. Nougat and Turkish Delight are his favourite sweets. Best Belgian bittersweet dark chocolate is his preferred fix but take care with chocolate if he cannot process fats well.

- FATS -

These are all excellent and keep him nicely greased up. However the syntax and grammar to use them correctly is a little bit complex. Consult the diets for the details. He likes animal fats best, especially butter and meat fats. Next come fruit and nut oils like refined olive (avoid extra virgin olive, it's too bitter), avocado, coconut, almond, apricot, walnut and macadamia. Sunflower and grapeseed are OK but avoid cereal, bean and non-edible seed oils such as safflower, canola, soy, rice bran and wheat germ. If he is having trouble with fat digestion then feed him pre-digested fats. These are emulsified already. You find them in cream, almond milk, coconut milk, avocados, egg yolks, mayonnaise, butter etc.

- DAIRY FOODS -

He loves all of these except those with thickeners and stabilizers in them. Give these ones a miss. His favourite is clarified butter (ghee). Others are butter, greek yoghurt, all cheeses, cream, good sour cream (read the ingredients), good ice cream (read the ingredients),  buttermilk, full cream milk. Avoid skim milk dairy foods and any with additions like fruits, seeds, nuts, veggies and herbs. It is often not clear what these ones contain. Add your own fruits and nuts etc. The best ones are from grass-fed animals and the fats are bright yellow in these. You get them from places like New Zealand, South Australia and the Swiss Alps. When dairy fats are white, then the cows have been fed in sheds on processed foods. The dairy from these is deficient in important nutrients.

- Meat - Fish - Seafood - Egg -

These are some of his favourite words. He is very fond of fatty red meat and all seafoods.  He likes them cooked or raw. Sashimi and raw shellfish are really appreciated. Salami (top quality), bacon and ham are favourites. He loves egg yolks, particularly when made into Mayonnaise. He likes his egg whites made into pavlova & meringue and served with whipped cream and fruit. He loves hard or soft boiled eggs, poached or fried eggs, bacon & eggs (with chops &/or steak if you like), omelets, quiches (no pastry!), egg nogs and eggs Benedict. The best animal foods are from grass-fed free range animals like those from New Zealand, wild caught seafood and free range hens. His top choices are mutton, lamb, sashimi, raw shellfish and egg yolks. He has been known to appreciate a sardine or tuna salad (when desperate).

Pickles - Relishes - Vinegars - Jams - Conserves

These are generally well tolerated, but watch for those with fibrous veggies or thickeners or stabilizers in them. Give these a miss. He likes olives, capers, gherkins etc. Be careful with excessively hot pickles and strong vinegars.

- Spices & Herbs -

Some of these may be a little fibrous so be careful. Care with any astringent spices (cinnamon), bitter herbs (teas & green herbs), and hot ones (chili). Fresh chives are excellent.

- Drinks, Teas, Herb Teas & Coffees -

These are generally all OK but most have special properties, so ensure that you know what they do to you. Laxative teas may be useful (if you are that way inclined). It is better to drink them without milk and sweeteners as then you can taste them and their properties are not modified. When they are good for you, then they will taste good. The author finds black tea very good in hot weather and lemon & honey drinks tops in cold weather. Most fruit juices are OK. A special mention goes to grapefuit, orange and grape juices. Avoid apple and cranberry. These are astringent.

- SALT, VITAMINS & Minerals -

Vitamins may be necessary, especially on the high protein diets and when fresh fruits are not available. To digest proteins a Vitamin B complex is essential and additional Vitamin B9 (Folic acid) is good. If your fresh fruit intake is low a Vitamin C supplement is a good idea. Mineral supplements are not required. The animal foods provide your minerals. Especially sashimi and raw shellfish. Keep your salt intake to a minimum. There is plenty in the animal foods and no extra is needed.

- ALCOHOL -

Yes, he is very fond of a wee nip (or two) on a cold winters night, a glass of vino with a meal and a cold beer on a hot summers day. But be careful, he can drink you under the table and when you are blotto he might just kick you where it hurts.

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Tips...

Keep your sentences short and simple.
Large ones with lots of complex words upset him.

He likes the word Relaxation and likes you to practise it.

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Well that's the basics. Easy eh!
Now that you know IBSperanto, you can start on one of the diets.
These all keep IBS very happy and he will not bash you - ever.

• The Easy IBS Diet - uses a very basic form of IBSperanto and is for those of you who, like IBS himself, do not want things to be too complicated. It does have a few fish hooks though.

• The IBS Paleo Diet - is an ancient dialect of IBSperanto. It is the like the one eaten by your ancestors several thousand years ago. It is a high performance diet with no side effects.

• Lowcarb Diets - there are many of these available and as long as they leave out cereals and legumes, you should get good results.

• Specific Carbohydrate Diet - has a good track record.

• Vegan Diet Healing Plan

Starting on these diets is a bit like learning to drive a car.
You take lessons, you practise, you make mistakes, and you fail the test a few times.
Of course, then IBS (who is like a driving instructor from hell) is likely to bash you.
But don't give up, you WILL succeed.

Bon appetite...