Useless Ideas 61-70
In the alien sector, a petty criminal bows before his crime lord. "They're starting to ask questions, Great One."
The praying mantis-like crime lord asks, "About what?"
"Valen. They're starting to wonder why his body was never found when he died, what might have happened to it. What if they come here? What if they try to take--"
"They won't," the crime lord says. "I like Valen right where he is."
The mantis looks over to where Valen is hanging on his wall--suspended in carbonite!
Later that night, while the crime lord sleeps, an armored figure creeps into the room and thaws out Valen.
"Who are you?" Valen says. "I can't see."
The figure removes her helmet to reveal Catherine Sakai. "Someone who loves you."
There's laughter from the awakened crime lord, who takes Sakai prisoner and forces her to wear a skimpy dancer's outfit (and the ratings SOAR!)
Sheridan mounts his own rescue with a horde of Rangers. But the mantis has an ace in the hole: a TNT lawyer, waving contracts for a new spin-off series about the Rangers. The Rangers completely forget about the rescue effort in their mad dash for fame, allowing the mantis to easily capture Sheridan.
The crime lord takes his prisoners on a shuttlecraft down to the blasted surface of Epsilon Three, accompanied by several other shuttles. The shuttles hover over a pit, and the prisoners are given a chance to plead for their lives. Valen does so immediately, blubbering like a baby.
"Don't kill me! I've been stuck in carbonite for a thousand years! People hated me when I was just Sinclair, but they love me as Valen! Hey, wait! You haven't been on the show since those early episodes, have you?" he asks the mantis. "With me back in charge, I could get you a regular supporting role...!"
This notion appeals to the crime lord, and Valen is brought to him. Only Sheridan is forced to walk the plank.
As he reaches the end of the plank, Sheridan signals to Garibaldi, who'l smuggled himself aboard the crime lord's shuttle. Garibaldi hurls a ppg pistol across the chasm and Sheridan reaches up to grab it...
...only to have the pistol sail about ten feet over his head, completely out of reach.
Garibaldi shrugs, and Sheridan is pushed off the plank.
As he disappears into the depths, his voice echoes back: "Not agaaaaaaaiiiiinnnn...!"
UI #62: Strange Growths
Sheridan's just finished some shopping on the Zocalo when G'kar bumps into him.
"What is that in your hand?" G'kar asks.
Sheridan holds it up. "It's a Chia Pet. It's the pottery that grows. See, you just lather this stuff on there and water it, and the plant grows."
G'kar grabs the front of Sheridan's shirt. "My God, that's brilliant! Do you know what this could do for my people? Where can I purchase this?
Sheridan tells him, and G'kar hurries off.
Weeks later, Sheridan is on a trip to Narn. As his White Star approaches the planet, he notices the entire world is covered in a familiar green growth. He turns to G'kar, beside him.
"What in the--? You've turned it into..."
"That's right!" G'kar beams. "Chia Planet! It's the only thing that would grow on the world. We're building some artificial moons, too, shaped like hippoes and dogs and trees..."
Ch-ch-ch-Chia!
UI #63: Talia's Other Visitors
Talia's wandering through the halls, shortly after Ironheart's departure. Then suddenly a huge man with a very tiny head approaches her.
"Talia Winters? I need your help. It involves our fellow telepaths..."
Talia scanns him. "Hey, you're not a telepath!"
"You're right. I'm actually a genetically altered lab mouse in a mechanical suit, who's escaped from the Psi Corps labs and is plotting to take over the galaxy."
Talia smiles and nods. "Right, right. My fault for asking."
A white mouse pops up out of the pocket. "And don't forget me, Brain! NARF!"
Brains scowls. "And this is my...baggage, Pinky."
"So what do you need from me?" Talia asks.
"I've devised a scheme to harness the might of telepaths. Using their mind-altering powers, I can force the populace to accept ME as their ruler."
Talia ponders it. "And why shouldn't we just set *ourselves* up as the rulers and kick you off to the side?"
Brain frowns. "I...I..."
"Well," Pink says. "She's got you there, Brain, I'd say. Poit!"
Brain waves it away. "All right, then how about--AAARGH!"
Both Brain and Pinky clutch at their heads. The mechanical suit tumbles over, spilling both of them onto the floor. The whole station begins to tremble.
"Egad, Brain! What's going on?" Pinky cries.
"I don't know!" Brain answers.
A few seconds later, the spasms pass, and both the mice and the station settle down. Brain paces back and forth, considering the matter. "Let's see...mental pains, physical disruptions...Wait! That's it! Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"I think so, Brain. But how *do* you give a Vorlon a wedgie?"
"No, don't you see? We're BECOMING! Those tests the Psi Corps put us through must be evolving us into a higher life form!"
"Oh, goodie!" Pinky begins skipping around. "Weeee're becooooming! Weeee're becoooming!"
Brain shakes his head, scowling at Pinky. "There's a hole in your mind, Pinky. A very large hole."
Brain turns back to Talia. "We won't be needing you anymore. We'll soon be able to conquer the galaxy ourselves!"
Moments later the two mice are again wracked by pains. "YYYYES!" Brain cries. "This is it, Pinky! Prepare to evolve!"
"In public? Won't we get arrested for that?"
The station shakes, the mice writhe in pain, and suddenly...a fifth finger sprouts on each of their hands!
The tremors fade, and all returns to normal.
"That's IT?!" Brain exclaims, looking at his newly-enhanced hand. "No powers, no nothing? Just a lousy extra finger?"
Pinky dances about. "Weeee've got five fiiiingers! Weee've got five fiiingers!"
Brain whacks him over the head. "Come along, Pinky. We have to prepare for tomorrow night."
"Why, Brain?" Pinky asks as they head down the corridor. "What are we going to do tomorrow night?"
"First, have a talk with Blind Man about these stupid fingers, and then...same thing we do every night, Pinky: try to take over the galaxy!"
They're dinky, they're Pinky and The Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain...
UI #64: Re-election Campaign
Four years after Sheridan is elected Alliance President, it's time for a new election. As Sheridan stands at a podium on the Zocalo, fielding reporters' questions, someone pushes his way through the crowd and stands next to Sheridan, a covered bundle in his hands.
"We have a new candidate!" he cries, whipping the cover off.
In his hands he's holding a liquid-filled jar with a brain floating in it. A voice comes out of the speaker affixed to the front of the jar.
"Listen to me, people! You want proper leadership, then elect me, Bob Dole. Bob Dole's been alive for over three hundred years. Had his brain removed and put in this jar. Forward thinker, that's Bob Dole. Bob Dole's got more experience and would make a better president than Sheridan."
"Mr. Dole," one of the reporters asks. "What's your stand on the Dust issue?"
"It's not addictive," Dole grumbles. "Bob Dole's been saying it from the beginning. Show me the proof that it is and Bob Dole can *pay* a scientist to say differently.
"And what about the alien races?" another reporter asks. "How would you handle relationships with them?"
"First thing Bob Dole would do as president is make the Centauri get haircuts. Bunch of damn hippies, that's all they are. And the Minbari would have to wear scarves to cover up those weird little ears of theirs. Those things creep Bob Dole out."
"And what's your opinion of the station?"
"Bob Dole thinks this place is a waste of money. We all know this place is going to blow up eventually, so why keep funding it?"
Suddenly there's another scuffling amongst the crowd, and another man approaches with a brain in a jar. A crabby litttle voice comes from the speaker.
"Why wasn't I told about this? You people tried to shut me out of this debate, didn't you? You just couldn't call ol' Ross Perot up and tell him, could you?"
Sheridan shakes his head. "This wasn't supposed to be a deb--"
"Can I finish? Will you let me complete a sentence? Listen to me, people, they're afraid of ol' Ross, and afraid of you. That's why we've got to take this station back..."
Sheridan rolls his eyes. "Shoot me now..."
UI #65: The Natural
It's the bottom of the ninth, in the most important baseball game of the millenium. The players: Anna Sheridan and the Shadows against John Sheridan and the Army of Light.
Both sides had agreed to settle the war this way, after Sheridan had refused to go to Z'ha'dum with Anna; both sides knew they'd save HUGE amount of money in special effects if they avoided a messy war.
Now, in the ninth inning, the Army of Light is up to bat. The score's tied, but things are grim. Sheridan's team is in a shambles. G'kar had scored some of their runs, but eventually snapped and started bludgeoning every Centauri in sight with the bat. Marcus, distracted by the sight of Ivanova cheering him on, was struck in the face by a hundred-mile-an-hour fastball and killed instantly. Ivanova herself decided she wanted to get paid for the few innings she wouldn't be playing in, and walked out when she didn't get it. The Minbari were next to useless, refusing to even don the gloves without spending hourse in the proper rituals, and Garibaldi was shot in the back by the catcher.
And now, it's their team's last chance for victory. Two outs, bottom of the ninth. Sheridan calls in his last player and prays.
Kosh slides up to base, lifts his home-made bat in a pair of glowing arms.
"Hey, wait!" someone shouts from the stands. "If he's a Vorlon, how come he has arms?"
"We're seeing it from Lyta's perspective, you idiot!" someone else says.
Morden throws the first pitch. Strike!
Second pitch. Strike!
Kosh tenses himself as the third pitch comes toward him...and slams the ball out of the park with all his Vorlon might. Higher and higher the ball flies, until it crashes into the hull of the station in a flurry of sparks that rain down on the field. And then it keeps going, punching a hole straight through the hull and sucking the atmosphere out into space, killing everyone onboard the station.
Meanwhile, in a far corner of the galaxy, Jason Ironheart, who's been watching the game from afar, cheers the game-winning hit. He looks over at Lorien and grins. "You owe me fifty bucks, man..."
UI #66: Hair Scare
Sheridan sits down to dinner with Delenn in a restaurant. He frowns at his utensils, calls the waiter over.
"What the hell is this?" he asks, holding the utensil in question up.
"Uh...it's a spork," the waiter replies.
"No, no, no," Sheridan says, and hands it to the waiter. "Bring me a REAL utensil. None of this 'spork' garbage."
The waiter leaves and Sheridan's comlink beeps.
"Captain," Franklin says. "We've got a situation in Medlab."
"What is it?"
"You remember that Keeper we were studying? Well, it's attached itself to Garibaldi. He's going on a rampage, demanding every ounce of Rogaine we have in stock!"
"Good lord! Doesn't he realize that Rogaine was the cause of the devastating 'Head Implosion' epidemic of the early twenty-first century?"
"Apparently not."
"Is security there yet?"
"Not yet, but Talia's here. She's throwing pennies at him telekinetically. It's surprisingly effective, actually."
"Talia? What are you talking about? She turned evil and went back to Earth."
"Damn it, man! I'm a doctor, not a continuity cop! All I know is, she just showed up and started helping. And now--hold on, wait a minute! Oh, thank God, we're saved!"
"What?! What?!"
"Sy Sperling just showed up. Yes...yes...he's explaining the hair restoration options to Garibaldi, talking him down...Yes! And the Keeper's off! Sorry, Captain, gotta go sedate Garibaldi. Sorry to bother you..."
Sheridan scowls, sits back down. Moments later, the waiter returns with a new utensil, identical to the first.
"What the hell is this?" Sheridan demands. "This is the same as the first one!"
"No, no, it's not," the waiter insists. "The first one was a spork. This is a FOON..."
UI #67: Ouch!
Londo wakes up one morning, goes to the bathroom to do his business. He's groggy at first, doesn't realize what he's seeing; and when he does realize, he nearly faints.
When he gets himself together, he rushes off to Medlab and confronts Dr. Franklin.
"Dr. Franklin! You must help me!"
"What is it?"
"Something terrible's happened. I woke up this morning and discovered that two of my..." Londo hesitates.
"Two of your what?"
"You know..." Londo points to the region in question. "They're GONE! Only four are left!"
Franklin does a scan, and frowns. "No scar tissue, no wounds. Whatever did this was amazingly effective."
Just then, Vir hurries in.
"Doctor!" Vir complains. "You've got to help me! Two of my--"
"You, too?" Franklin says in disbelief.
Over the next few hours, several more Centauri come in with similar complaints--some missing only one, some three, some all six.
Later, Londo meets with Sheridan. "This is an outrage!" he exclaims. "I demand you find the person responsible, Captain!"
"We're doing everything we can," Sheridan says. "Garibaldi's got his people working on it right now."
Days pass, and no progress is made. Garibaldi's team simply can't find the perpetrator. And more Centauri fall victim to the madman.
Then a shuttle arrives from Epsilon Three. It's passenger meets with Sheridan and Garibaldi.
"Zathras?" Sheridan says, surprised.
The visitor nods. He flips open a tiny wallet, flashing a badge. "Zathras 12, Ep-Three Security."
Garibaldi and Sheridan look at each other.
"Zathras *12*?" Garibaldi says. "I thought there were only nine or ten of you."
"That's what you're supposed to think."
"And why aren't you talking like the others?" Sheridan says. "You know, that weird little 'Zathras-speak'?"
Zathras 12 shakes his head. "They talk that way because they find it amusing."
"And you don't?" Garibaldi asks.
Zathras 12 stares at him. "Do I look amused?"
"Uh...no."
"Go with that feeling."
Sheridan jumps in. "So what brings you here, Zathras 12?"
"These attacks on the Centauri. I believe I can help solve them. Only one thing could have been used in these attacks, and it could only have been manufactured by the Great Machine."
"So?" Garibaldi asks. "What is it?"
"A gnife."
"Gesundheit!" Sheridan says.
Zathras 12 shakes his head. "No, a gnife. It's a very specialized utensil."
"So why haven't we ever heard of it?" Garibaldi says.
"You aren't ready for that knowledge. Suffice to say, it's here. And I know who's using it."
"Who?" Sheridan and Garibaldi say together.
"One of my brothers." Zathras 12's tone is grim. "He started off talking to dirt, but then his psychosis grew deeper. I've tracked him here. He has to be stopped."
"Well, that's great," Garibaldi says. "But we haven't found any trace of him."
Zathras 12 whips out a scanner. "That's because you don't have the right equipment."
Zathras 12 then begins wandering the halls of Babylon 5, following his beeping scanner while Garibaldi and his security team accompany him.
"How does that thing work, anyway?" Garibaldi says, pointing at the scanner.
"This?" Zathras 12 holds it up. "It emits an inverse tachyon pulse that--"
"A what?!" Garibaldi bursts.
Zathras 12 shakes his head. "Never mind. Just trust me, it works."
They follow the scanner to an isolated section of Downbelow, where they find the renegade Zathras.
"Stay back!" Zathras cries, brandishing the gnife. "Zathras swears to use this!"
"So now what?" Garibaldi says. "Are we supposed to use a spork on him, or something?"
Zathras 12 sniffs disdainfully. "Sporks are for the weak."
He whips out a ppg gun and shoots his brother in the shoulder, knocking Zathras down. He picks up the gnife, slips it into his pocket, and throws the cuffs on Zathras.
"I'll take him into custody," Zathras 12 says. "It's been a pleasure being aboard your station, Mr. Garibaldi. I hope we'll work together again."
"Only Blind Man can say for sure," Garibaldi says. Then, as Zathras 12 leads his brother off, Garibaldi adds, "Hey, wait a minute! What happened to all the...you know?"
Zathras 12 shrugs. "I would imagine my brother's been selling them to the local restaurants. When properly prepared, they have a remarkable resemblance to spoo..."
UI #68: New Decoration?
Lochley's in C&C when a call comes through from a Starfury pilot.
"Captain Lochley, this is Delta Leader."
"Go ahead, Delta Leader," Lochley answers.
"You told me to report in if I found anything unusual while I was on patrol outside the station..."
"And?"
Delta Leader hesitates. "Well, it looks like someone's vandalized the rear of the station."
"What do you mean?"
"It looks like graffiti, for lack of a better term. It says, 'Created by J. Michael Straczynski.'"
Lochley frowns. "Who the hell is that? And how did it get on the station?"
"Beats me," Delta Leader says. "Maybe it was the Vorlons. That Kosh was quite the jokester, you know..."
"I'll send a maintenance 'bot out to deal with it," Lochley says. "Continue your patrol."
"Got it," Delta Leader says.
A few minutes later, Delta Leader calls back in.
"What is it this time?" Lochley asks.
"Another message written on the outside of the station."
Lochley scowls. "This place is already falling apart on me. What does this one say?"
"It says...'For a good time, call Susan Ivanova'..."
UI #69: After TKO
Three men arrive in the training ground where fighters train for the Mutai competition. The shrivelled onld Muta-Do comes over to them.
"What do you want here, humans?" he asks.
"To compete in the Mutai," the middle man says.
"And what are your names?"
"The name's Deuce," the man says. He gestures to the man on his right. "This is my brother, Daryl." He gestures to the other man. "And this is my othe brother Daryl."
"Deuce?" the Muta-Do says. "The criminal?"
"Not anymore. I'm on probation."
"Ah. Then I will train you. Come with me."
"Wait a minute," Deuce says. "Shouldn't we be testing ourselves against those guys?" He points to the other fighters.
"No. You are not yet ready. Come with me, and you will learn how to fight the Mutai as no man has..."
The Muta-Do leads them off, down into the docking bays. When they reach an old ship, he takes out a container of polishing wax and some shammies.
"This is how you will do it," the Muta-Do says, wiping the shammies across the hull in circular patterns. "Wax on, wax off..."
As Deuce and his brothers begin waxing the ship, the Muta-Do walks off, promising to come back later. As he's leaving he bumps into Caliban, who'd helped Garibaldi's friend Walker in the Mutai.
"You know," Caliban says, "that that's not going to help them learn anything about the Mutai..."
The Muta-Do grins. "Yes, but it's a hell of a lot cheaper than HIRING someone to do it..."
UI #70: The Accusation
The station is rocked by the murder of Delenn. The story of the horrible death is braodcast on all the networks, and all the evidence points to Sheridan as the culprit, despite his protestations of innocence.
During the trial, Sheridan endures the questioning of the prosecutor, and finally loses his composure.
"Listen!" Sheridan cries out. "I'm telling you, I didn't kill my wife! It was a one-armed Narn!"
Everyone in the courtroom turns to look at G'kar.
"What?" G'kar asks. They keep looking at him. "WHAT?!"
The Rabid Bantha Bar and Grille
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