Useless Ideas 51-60
Sheridan meets with the leaders of the Mars Resistance in an underground chamber, having agreed to the meeting before he heads off to talk with Garibaldi about his father.
"So?" he asks Number One. "What's this all about? You said you had new weapons?"
"We were digging out some new tunnels when we stumbled upon an underground settlement. An occupied settlement. It took a while to learn their language, but they've promised us new weapons in our fight for liberation."
There's a noise, and everyone turns to see several newcomers arrive in the corridor. Small and spindly, they are, with skeletal faces and huge brains enclosed in glass helmets. The leader is wearing a sparkly purple cloak, and carrying a cloth-covered bundle in his hands.
"Ack!" the leader says. "Ack Rack Ack!"
"He says it's an honor to meet you," Number One says.
"Tell him it's a pleasure to meet him," Sheridan says. "And we appreciate any help he can give us."
Number One translates.
"Ack!" the leader says. "Ack Rack Gak Ack Rack!"
"What'd he say?" Sheridan asks.
Number One frowns. "He says he didn't come here to help *us*."
The leader laughs and whips the cover off of the bundle he's carrying to reveal the severed--but still living--head of Morden!
"So, Sheridan," Morden says. "Now you see that the Shadows weren't my only associates. KILL THEM! KILL THEM ALL!"
And the Martians burn everyone down into green and red skeletons...
#52: Girl's Night Out
Excitement grips the station. Not only is it New Year's Eve, but the very next day, the Drakh ambassador is scheduled to arrive. Hopes are high that the new year will begin with a peace treaty. But that's for tomorrow. Tonight, Captain Lochley and Lyta decide to drag Delenn off for a little celebration. The three of them sit in a bar, Lyta and Lochley (hey, that's catchy!) having drinks while Delenn watches the other bar patrons quizzically.
"I do not understand this," she says primly. "Why do humans feel the need to imbibe to excess, damaging their internal organs in the process, simply to celebrate the dawning of a new year? On Minbar we have much more dignified ceremonies."
"We do it because it's fun," Lochly says.
"Yeah," Lyta chimes. "C'mon, Delenn, loosen up. Have some fun."
Delenn does nothing but raise an eyebrow.
Lochley leans in and whispers to Lyta, "Why don't you do something to help her out?"
"What are you suggesting?" Lyta whispers back.
"You know." Lochley waves vaguely. "Put some kind of telepathic whammy on her, get her to relax a bit."
"That," Lyta says, "would be completely illegal and immoral." She grins. "I'll do it!"
While Delenn watches the other folk in the bar, Lyta concentrates, her eyes going black. After a few moments she gives up, frowning. "It's not working for some reason."
"Ah, well. at least *we* can still have fun," Lochley says, holding up her empty glass. "BARTENDER!"
The next morning, all three women are in the docking bay looking at the newly arrived Drakh ship. Lyta and Lochley (MAN, that's catchy!) are a bit red-eyed. Also there are Sheridan, Londo, G'kar and the other representatives of the Alliance.
The Drakh comes out and stands before the group, shimmering silently. Delenn, the chosen speaker, steps toward it.
"On behalf of the Alliance," she says, "I would like to welcome you...to..."
She breaks off, her eyes going glassy. She sways on her feet as a stupid grin splits her face.
"Oh, no," Lyta moans quietly.
"What's going on?" Lochley asks.
"Delayed reaction," Lyta says. "I should have expected it. With her hybrid biology, it took longer than normal for the telepathic command to kick in."
Lochley rolls her eyes.
Delenn, meanwhile, staggers over toward G'kar, leans drunkenly against him. She pats him on the chest. "Ah, G'kar, my friend."
She reaches up, uses her hand to smoosh his lips together in a fish-faced pucker. "Narnie, Narnie, Narnie. You're such a good Narnie, you know that?"
She reels away from the startled G'kar, heads toward Londo.
"Heeeey, Londo!" She hugs him. "How's my good buddy Londo? Is it true you Centauri have six?" She grabs his crotch. "Whoops! Guess so!"
Delenn stumbles away, doubling over and giggling to herself.
"Delenn," Sheridan snaps. "What in the hell are you doing?"
Delenn straightens up, throws her arms wide. "Johnny! Woo hoo!"
She then passes out and falls flat on her face.
The Drakh ambassador watches all this silently, then turns to face a bewildered Sheridan.
"If this is any idea of what we can expect from making peace with you..." It gestures to the fallen Minbari. "Then all I can say is...Rock on, dude! Who's buying the keg?"
And a new era of peace is born...
UI #53: The Fate of Narn
G'kar leads Sheridan and Earth President Luchenko across the blasted surface of Narn.
"The Centauri asteroid barrage completely decimated my world," G'kar moans.
"So we see," Luchenko says. "I'm sorry for your loss."
"Ah, but it's gotten worse," G'kar says. "The bombardment destroyed countless power station, releasing unknown amounts of radiation. Not much was released into the air, thankfully; most of it was absorbed by the ground."
"So what's the problem?" Sheridan says.
G'kar shakes his head. "We've recently learned that the radiation has been spreading beyond anything we can control. Something in the planet's mineral composition is *conducting* teh radiation, amplifying it."
"That would be a problem," Sheridan says.
"It gets worse. We estimate that it will completely permeate the planet and make Narn unliveable within one year."
"My God!" Luchenko exclaims. "What can we do to help?"
"I was hoping you might have some bit of technology that could help us, aid in the restoration? We've gone to every other race, and none of them had anything for us." G'kar's eyes glimmer anxiously.
"I'm sorry," Luchenko admits. "We're got nothing like that, either."
G'kar is crestfallen. "Then Narn is doomed."
Sheridan, who's been lost in his own thoughts, speaks up. "There is one thing that could help."
"What?" G'kar and Luchenko ask in unison.
Sheridan looks at them gravely before speaking. "Cosmo DNA."
"What the hell is Cosmo DNA?" Luchenko asks.
Sheridan shrugs. "Beats me. But I heard Lorien mention it once and it sounded cool as hell. It could help restore your world, G'kar."
"How do I get this Cosmo DNA?"
"You can only get it from the planet Iscandar, one hundred and forty-eight thousand light years away."
G'kar is shocked. "No ship can travel that far and back in one year!"
"Actually," Luchenko says, "I can help with that. Our new Warlock-class destroyer could make the trip. But we'd have to find a captain..."
"I'll give you Ivanova," Sheridan says. "She wants to leave the show anyway."
"This is perfect!" G'kar cheers. "But wait. We must not alarm the populace. We need a cover story."
Luchenko shrugs. "Easy. We'll just say Ivanova's taking the ship on a one-year shakedown cruise..."
A few days later, the Warlock-class destroyer has come to Narn for its grand send-off. After the goodbye speech from Ivanova, the ship powers up its engines.
G'kar watches tearfully from the bridge of the White Star as the ship heads off into space, the hopes of all Narn resting on it. Luchenko and Sheridan are there, too, for the send-off. It's a proud moment for everyone.
Luchenko leans over to Sheridan as the destroyer dwindles in the view-screen.
"You know," she says quietly, "that ship would be so much cooler if you'd given us that wave-motion gun you're developing for the White Stars..."
UI #54: The Resurrection
Franklin is inspecting the cryo-chambers with Sheridan. He frowns when he reaches the last one.
"We've got an extra one here," he says. He peers into it. "He hasn't got any Shadow implants, either..."
"One of your other patients?" Sheridan says.
"Couldn't be. Maybe it's--oh, good lord!"
"What?! What?!"
Franklin points at the frozen patient. "It's Walt Disney!"
They thaw him out, revive him. Days later, after Disney's had time to acclimate himself to his new situation, Sheridan takes him on a tour of the station. They run into Garibaldi on the Zocalo. Sheridan introduces the two men.
"A pleasure to meet you," Disney says.
"And you," Garibaldi says. "But I have to be honest; I prefer the Warner Brothers cartoons. The Disney stuff just wasn't as funny."
Disney's eyes narrow for a moment, then he shrugs. "Well, different tastes, and all."
They go their separate ways.
Later that night, Garibaldi returns to his quarters and is driven to the ground as someone leaps on his back and begins pummelling him. More assailants join in, and he's beaten senseless...
He wakes up in Medlab a week later. Everyone he sees is walking around with Micky Mouse ears on, and Sheridan has shaved his beard.
"What's going on?" Garibaldi asks.
Sheridan scowls. "Disney bought the station, the show, JMS and TNT." He rubs his beardless face. "We have to wear these stupid hats now, and we're not allowed to have facial hair."
Zack sits by Garibaldi's bed. "So what can you give me on these people who attacked you, Chief? What'd you see?"
"Well," Garibaldi says, "they were small guys. Seven of 'em. And they were whistling while they did it..."
UI #55: Risky Business
Sheridan, Delenn and all the others return to the station after their triumphant liberation of Earth. The first thing they see on their arrival is scantily-clad women and men slinking through the corridors, most of whom begin hitting on Sheridan's group. "Wanna date?" they all ask.
Sheridan punches his comlink. "Corwin, Zack! I left this station in your hands. What the hell's going on? Get down here immediately!"
Corwin and Zack soon arrive.
"What's up?" Zack grins.
"Explain yourselves," Sheridan says. "What is all this?"
"Well," Corwin says, "you know how you were always worried about the station being able to fund itself? Well, we came up with this great idea--we call it 'The Best Little Whorehouse in the Galaxy'!"
"You should see the money we've earned, Captain," Zack says. "We've got some Centauri men working for us, and they're bringing in a fortune by themselves! Not to mention all the other people we've got with us. We get a percentage of everything they earn. Hey! Since you and Delenn are married, maybe you'd like to spend the night in the Vorlon suite? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge."
"No, I would not," Sheridan scowls.
Just then, a door opens nearby and out comes Ivanova, a bit shaky on her feet. She sees Sheridan and her eyes go wide. "Captain!"
She moves her body to block the doorway. Sheridan looks beyond her and sees an open cryo-tube sitting in there.
"Good lord!" he exclaims, "is that--oh, my God! How could you, Susan?"
She doesn't answer, and Sheridan is distracted by another door opening. This time it's Zathras who comes stumbling out, lipstick all over his face.
"Ah, yes," he says, grinning goofily. "I am liking this greatly." He comes over to Sheridan, pokes him in the chest. "You. You are no longer The One." He grins, points back to the door he came out of. "SHE is The One..."
"John," Delenn says. "Maybe we SHOULD try out this Vorlon suite."
Sheridan thinks it over, then shrugs. "What the hell. Woo hoo..."
UI #56: Scrambled Signals
Sheridan and the command staff are gathered together in Sheridan's office, planning strategy against the Drakh. Also taking part is a hologram of Draal, beamed up from the Great Machine.
"Have you uncovered anything new, Draal?" Sheridan asks. "Anything that could help us?"
Actually, I have," Draal answers. "It seems the Drakh have..."
Draal breaks off, looking around uncertainly as the edges of his hologram begin to flicker. "What in the--" he begins, and then he's gone, having flickered completely away. In his place is the figure of a man in a blue and black uniform.
"Please state the nature of the medical emergency," he says. "Wait a minute," he frowns, looking around. "Who are you people? And what have you done to sickbay? Kes? Kes--?!"
The bald man flickers away, replaced by a man with an "H" on his forehead. "Lister, you smeghead! What have you done to me now? And who's the chick with the bony head?" he leers. Then he, too, flickers away.
The image of another man now stands before them--a bearded man in a brown robe. "You will go to the Dagobah system," he intones. Then he's gone, replaced by Draal.
"What's going on, Draal?" Sheridan asks.
"I have no idea!" Draal says, even as he begins to flicker again.
Meanwhile, deep in the bowels of the Great Machine, Zathras fiddles with the knobs and dials of the holographic projector, laughing up a storm...
UI #57: Just Before "The Gathering"
A few days before the arrival of Kosh, the first Vorlon ambassador to Babylon 5, Delenn wakes up in her quarters. She goes to the mirror...and SCREAMS in horror.
Her face is all lumpy, misshapen!
"In Valen's name," she mutters. "I must have overdone it on those collagen injections! I'll just have to act natural. Maybe no one will notice..."
A while later, she bumps into Sinclair on the Zocalo.
"Good lord!" Sinclair bursts. "What happened to you--Uh, I mean, good morning, Delenn."
They shoot the breeze for a while, then Delenn moves off. As she does, Sinclair calls on officer over.
"I want a station-wide bulletin posted. I want *everyone* to pretend that Delenn's always looked that way. Just act as if nothing's out of the ordinary."
Sinclair looks over to see an altered G'kar walking nearby. "Oh, man, it's spreading. Put G'kar on that bulletin, too," he tells the officer.
Days later, after the poisoned Vorlon has healed, Delenn flees the station in a shuttle. Her face hasn't reverted to normal, as she'd hoped. She goes to a far-flung colony, goes to a small plastic surgeon's office.
"Doctor!" she cries.
The man smiles. "What do you want?"
"Those collagen injections you gave me warped my face! Fix it! Fix it!"
"There's the matter of payment..."
Delenn pulls out the box of Minbari rings. "Here. Take them! Take them all! This one increases gravity, this one erases memory, this one resurrects dead Rangers (though why I'd need that one, I have no idea), this one--"
"I'll take it," the doctor grins. "But this has got to be fast. I've got an appointment to fix the Narn ambassador's face, too. I'll have to call in my associates on this one..."
When Delenn wakes up from the operation, her face is restored. "Oh, thank you, Doctor Morden! Thank you!"
Morden puts on the memory-erasing ring, leans toward her. "You've never met me before. You've never even heard of me. The name Morden means nothing to you..."
UI #58: A New Threat
After the end of the Shadow War, Bester is surprised to learn that the Vorlons had established a base on Earth, a base that had been there for years. He commandeers a shuttle and heads out, hoping to find something that can revive his Shadow-tainted lover.
His coordinates tell him the base is in the middle of the ocean, but he's surprised when it comes into view.
"That's an island," he says. "Doesn't look like any alien base I've ever seen. What am I talking about? These are the Vorlons; they can make us see whatever they want us to see."
The shuttle touches down, and Bester and his crew are swarmed by men and women in flowery outfits. Then another man approaches--a man in a white suit.
"Greetings!" the man says. "I am Mr. Roarke, your host. Welcome to Fantasy Island!"
Bester is horrified. "Khan...!"
Mr. Roarke's smile is evil. "Yes, Chekov, your old friend Khan."
"You're dead! The Genesis device...!"
"I'm sure that's what you and Kirk hoped. But the device merely blasted me and my followers into this dimension."
Suddenly Bester sees that the flowery-clothed men and women are all pointing rifles at them.
"You see," Khan says, "the Vorlons found us, put us to work on this stupid island. They used their illusion powers to make people think their fantasies were coming true, and used all the money they earned to finance something called a 'planet-killer'."
Khan begins to pace. "The Vorlons kept us prisoner here. They left us all behind when they departed the galaxy, left us to die, just as you and Kirk did. But now that you've been kind enough to provide us with a ship..." Khan gestures at the shuttle.
"You'll never get away with it, Khan!"
"Of course I will! I'll just take your shuttle, capture a ship and head into space. How hard could it be?"
Khan and his people board the shuttle, leaving Bester and his people behind. Beste can do nothing but watch the shuttle flying away. "KHAAAAAAN!"
Then Bester notices one of the natives hasn't left--a tiny little man in a white suit.
"The plane! The plane!" the little one says, pointing at the departing shuttle.
"Oh, shut up," Bester scowls. "And bring me one of those drinks with the umbrella in it..."
UI #59: Grey 17 Is Missing--Again!
Captain Lochley arrives on the station for the first time and is greeted by Dr. Franklin.
"Welcome aboard, Captain Lochley," Franklin says.
"Call me *Cat*," Lochley says coyly.
"Okay, *Cat*," Franklin mimics. Then he frowns. "Where do you get Cat from Elizabeth?"
Lochley pinches his cheek. "Just go with it. Don't ruin the moment, hon."
Lochley goes to C&C, and even as she launches into her arrival speech, Garibaldi hurries into the room.
"I don't mean to interrupt, Captain," he tells Lochley. "But Grey 17 is gone."
"What do you mean, gone?"
"It's just...missing. There's an empty hole where it used to be."
Lochley frowns. "A mystery, hmmm...?"
They're no closer to solving that mystery when, the following week, there's another disappearance--Kosh's quarters vanish without a trace.
Bit by bit, pieces of the station vanish until, twenty-one weeks after Lochley's arrival, there's nothing left inside the station's shell but C&C and the Zocalo. Everyone else has fled the station, leaving Lochley alone.
She walks along the Zocalo, trying to figure things out, when she see a stranger strolling along. He's wearing a tee-shirt and shorts. He picks up a couple of chairs from a diner and walks away with them.
"Hey," Lochley calls. "Where do you think you're going?"
Two other men, similarly dressed, walk in, grabbing up a table and following the first man.
"Hey!" Lochley objects. "What's going on, here?"
Then another man comes forward. "They've got to take everything back to the prop department. Show's over."
"Who the hell are you?"
"Joe Straczynski."
"What do you mean, the show's over?"
"Over. Finished."
"Oh, no," Lochley says, whipping out her ppg gun. "I didn't sign up just to get booted after one season."
"That gun won't work," JMS says.
Lochley points it at a stagehand, and a ppg blast knocks the man to the ground. She points the gun at a startled JMS. "Faith manages, babe."
She grabs him by the shirt, puts the gun to his forehead. "We've still got one episode left, so don't tell me we're cancelled."
"But you're not in that episode!" JMS bawls.
"What?" Lochley digs the gun deeper.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry, but you're not!"
"Well, then I think you'd better start working on a new season, eh?" Lochley throws him into a chair, keeping the gun on him.
"The show's done," JMS protests. "There isn't going to be anothe season."
"Okay." Lochley begins to squeeze the trigger.
"Wait! Wait! I'm developing a spin-off! Maybe I can fit you into that!"
"Maybe?" Lochley says threateningly.
"Definitely! We'll make you the starring character! And forget 'Crusade'! We'll call it 'Captain Lochley's Outer Space Adventures'! Yeah, that's it!" JMS begins scribbing in a notebook.
"Good job, buddy," Lochley says. "And while you're at it, bring back Marcus. I need someone to play with..."
UI #60: The Telepath War
Telepaths are running amok on the station. No one can stop them. They mind-wipe anyone who opposes them. In desperation, Sheridan calls Earthdome, a last-ditch plan forming in his mind.
"I know it sounds crazy," he tells Luchenko after he's explained his plan. "But trust me, it'll work."
Days later, a shuttle arrives from Earthdome. As the passengers disembark, Sheridan arms them all with rifles. "The telepaths are holed up on the Zocalo. Your job is to get them into airlock three. We'll take it from there."
The new arrivals head to the Zocalo and confront the telepaths.
"You don't want to hurt us," one of the telepaths says, turning her will against the newcomers.
"You want to put down your weapons and surrender," another adds.
"These aren't the droids you're looking for," a third one says.
Then the leader of the telepaths frowns. "It's not working," she says, probing the newcomers. "Their minds are blank. They're--oh, my God! THEY'RE POLITICIANS! RUN!"
The telepaths flee, the politicians in hot pursuit. Everyone gets herded into into airlock three, and the politicians begin to bicker amongst themselves over what to do now...
Up in C&C, Sheridan watches the monitors. "We've got 'em. Seal the airlock."
"But Captain," Corwin says. "The politicians are in there, too."
Sheridan grins. "I know. We're killing two birds with one stone. Trust me, they'll thank us for this."
He punches a button and *WHOOSH!*, the two biggest threats to man are all sucked out into space...
The Rabid Bantha Bar and Grille
© 1997 really_big_evil@hotmail.com
Get your own Free Home Page