Useless Ideas 29-40
Useless Idea #29: The Sleepers
A "sleeper" ship is found drifting near the station and is guided into one of the docking bays. Sheridan, Franklin and Garibaldi go aboard, and find three occupied cryogenic units.
"This thing's gotta be around three hundred years old, almost," Sheridan says, looking around. He looks into the first cryo-unit, occupied by a man. He frowns at the name-plate. "Vanilla Ice? What is that? Some kind of name? Or is this a food storage unit?"
Franklin shrugs, then regards the next unit, and the woman inside. Her white-blonde hair is fashioned in a crew-cut. "My God," he says. "This woman's got so much energy, she isn't completely unconscious, even in cryo-freeze!"
"Her name-plate's been rubbed out," Sheridan says. "What's that she keeps mumbling?"
Garibaldi cocks an ear. "It sounds like...'Stop the insanity!'".
They move to the next unit, and Garibaldi gasps in terror. "Holy--what the hell is that, Stephen? TELL ME WHAT THE HELL THAT THING IS!"
Franklin checks his instruments, frowns. "I...I don't really know. I *can* tell you it's not completely organic. A signifigant portion of it is synthetic."
Sheridan reads the name-plate aloud: "M. Jackson."
"What are we supposed to do with them all?" Garibaldi asks.
Just then, Bester bounces into the room. "Fire the photon torpedoes! The Klingons are closing in!" He bounces back out.
Sheridan sighs. "Haven't you cured him yet, Stephen?"
"Afraid not." Franklin jerks a thumb at Garibaldi. "You can thank Mr. 'Victoria veered her vessel violently' for that." (get it? Cross-referencing!)
"Well," Sheridan says, "in this case, he's right. Any assemblage this bizarre has to have been engineered by the Shadows. Have it towed out of range and destroyed."
Suddenly a chimp comes bounding into the room, hitting switches left and right.
"Hey!" Franklin shouts. "Somebody stop that chimp! He's--"
All of the cryo-units hiss open, their occupants awaken. They begin moving in on Sheridan and the others.
"Run!" Garibaldi shouts, and pushes Sheridan and Franklin out through the hatch as it begins to close. He then turns to face the revived horrors, whips out a rifle and starts shooting at them.
"Michael, get out of there!" Sheridan shouts through the rapidly-narrowing hatchway. "You'll be killed!"
"Save yourselves!" Garibaldi shouts, blasting away. "I WAS BORN FOR THIS!"
Then the hatch is closed, and Sheridan and Franklin can do nothing but hope.
A short time later the hatch opens, and Garibaldi comes shambling out, leaving three bodies behind him.
"Michael!" Franklin says. "Michael, are you all right?"
Garibaldi looks at him, a bit dazed. "No, no, homey. I didn't steal Queen's rhythms! Ice is an original!" He twitches. "I used to weigh three hundred pounds!" Another twitch, and his voice rises. "I'm telling you, I never touched the kid!"
Sheridan's eyebrows rise. "Looks like you've got another patient, Stephen..."
UI #30: The Six-Million-Dollar Marcus
One of Dr. Franklin's associates--a Dr. Austin--arrives on the station and delivers some startling news. He thinks it's possible to bring Marcus back to life!
Ivanova's hopes rise, and she shakes the man excitedly. "You can revive him?"
Austin smiles. "Not only that, we can improve him. We can make him faster, stronger..."
"Really?"
"Well...maybe."
A prolonged montage scene unfolds. Lots of flashing lights, suspenseful music. A tennis ball being burst in someone's hand (of course, it's Ivanova crushing the ball, her patience wearing thin...).
Finally Dr. Austin ushers Ivanova and several other crew members into a room, to reveal the new Marcus. He's lounging in an easy chair, watching television with a bored expression on his face.
"You did it!" Ivanova exclaims.
Marcus doesn't seem to notice any of them. He points his finger at the television, drops his thumb down, as if firing a gun. "Click!" he says, and the channel changes. "Seen it. Click!" The channel changes again.
As Ivanova rushes to his side, Garibaldi asks Dr. Austin, "How's he doing that? Changing channels without the remote?"
Austin smiles proudly. "He doesn't *need* the remote anymore. He's been bionically enhanced. His hand has actually BECOME the remote!"
The jaws of all the men in the room drop in amazement, and they exclaim in unison, "My God, that's BRILLIANT!"
Ivanova kneels down beside Marcus. "Marcus, you're alive!"
Marcus doesn't look at her as he replies, his attention on the television. "Hey, Susan. I see that healing machine worked all right. Click!"
"Yes, yes it did. Marcus, we've got to talk. About us, about all the things I never told you..."
"Click! Yeah, okay, but just give me a few more minutes, okay, love? Click!"
Ivanova goes back to the doctor. "What did you do to him? You've turned him into...into...a COUCH POTATO!"
Austin shrugs. "What can I say? It's the twenty-third century. Six million dollars doesn't go as far as it used to."
"Click!" Marcus's face brightens. "Oooh! Melrose!"
UI #31: The Convert
Lorien convinces the Shadows, Vorlons and other First Ones to depart the galaxy with him. They all leave, except for one Shadow. It was so impressed by Sheridan's fortitude and bravery that it stayed behind, and joined forces with him. It becomes Sheridan's secret ally in ferreting out injustice and tyranny throughout the galaxy. Its unique powers and abilities make it eminently suitable for the job.
Because, after all--who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?
(say it with me, now...)
THE SHADOW KNOWS! (okay, who saw that one coming from a mile away?)
UI #32: The Great Spoo Uprising
Marcus passed some of his life essence into Ivanova, so that she might live. Unknown to any, however, Marcus had been dining on spoo before arriving at the station. Some of that spoo's essence is passed into Ivanova as well.
Things go normally for Ivanova, as she rejoins Earthforce, and gains command of her new destroyer. Then one day, while in the ship's mess hall, she spies a crewmember dining on spoo. Something inside her snaps.
"You HEATHEN!" She belts the man in the face, and declares a ban on spoo aboard her ship.
As time passes, she begins exhibiting more and more erratic behavior, as the spoo's essence begins exerting more and more control over her. Then she makes her boldest move yet--directing he ship's firepower against a spoo farm. She completely annihilates it, releasing the spoo into the wild, to rediscover their "spoo-ness". "Run wild, run free!" she cackles.
Ivanova continues her rampage, moving from farm to farm, liberating the persecuted spoo. Eventually Sheridan has no choice but to bring her in. She fights to the death, and is destroyed in the hellish explosion of her ship.
Things seem to return to normal in the galaxy...
But all is not lost for the spoo. They've taken heart from Ivanova's example, and begin their own campaign for freedom. Their efforts, however, seem doomed to failure--until HE arrives. A new leader, rallying the spoo hordes behind him. A single-minded individual, hugely muscled and dressed in blue, with tiny little antennae on his head. Mentally challenged, but nigh-invulnerable, he leads the valiant hordes into battle with his rousing battlecry: "SPOO!"
Sheridan doesn't stand a chance...
UI #33: Road Trip, Part One
Z'ha'dum is building up toward its explosion. Sheridan orders the White Star turned about. As they head toward the jumpgate, there's a shimmering in the air on the bridge, and wavering tunnel appears from nowhere.
"What is that thing?" Sheridan asks.
"Some kind of dimensional disturbance," Lennier calls out.
Suddenly out of the tunnel rolls a barrel-shaped droid. Whistling and clicking to itself, it rolls over to a wall and plugs into a socket. Instantly, the White Star's course changes.
"Somebody stop that droid!" Sheridan says. "He's turning us away from the jumpgate!"
Even as he says it, all the stars outside the viewport stretch out. Everyone's thrown backward with the sudden acceleration.
"What's going on?" Delenn asks.
Lennier's eyes are wide. "I don't know, but it's the coolest thing I've ever seen!"
The White Star races throug a swirling tunnel of light and shadow.
"We're going through some kind of altered version of hyperspace," Lennier says.
Then the tunnel transforms into streaks of light, which narrow back into stars. A barren world lies before them.
Before anyone can react to this oddity, another wormhole appears on the bridge, and a dark-haired young man comes out. He walks over to the droid, pats it. "Good job, Artoo. Tell Luke thanks for letting me borrow you."
The droid whistles, and rolls into the wormhole, which disappears.
"Who the hell are you?" Sheridan says.
"Wait a minute," Lyta says. "Weren't you the fat kid in 'Stand By Me'?"
"Husky!" the man shouts. "I was the HUSKY kid! And I played lots of other roles, too. I had super powers in 'My Secret Identity', but does anyone ever remember THAT show? Oh, no! No, I'm just the FAT KID FROM 'STAND BY ME'! That's all I'm ever remembered for! But I'm not BITTER!"
"Lyta," Sheridan says, "do something with him, all right?"
Lyta tries her telepathic powers on the stranger, but to no effect.
"Don't bother," the man says. "I'm from a different dimension. Your powers are useless against me."
"What are you doing here, Mr...." Delenn hesitates.
"Mallory. Quinn Mallory. And I'm here because they cancelled my show. I mean, sure the plots were getting kind of lame toward the end there, but it wa still a cool concept, right? But they axed it, so I've got no choice but to hijack another show." He pulls out a small timer-like device and wires it into one of the control consoles.
"What is that thing?" Bester asks.
"It's your only ticket home, if I ever decide to take you back there." Quinn smirks.
Sheridan scowls. "And why shouldn't we just kick the tar out of you and figure out how to use that thing ourselves?"
"Because...it wouldn't be very funny, and Blind Man would have to think up something else for his next few Useless Ideas?"
"He's right!" Lennier says.
Sheridan slaps a hand down on his arm rest. "Then, by God, to hell with logic and proper characterization! What happens next, Quinn?"
Quinn punches a button on the timer, and a huge wormhole appears outside the ship. He smiles. "Buckle up, gang. We're going for a ride..."
UI #34: Road Trip, Part 2
The White Star is rocketing through the wormhole that Quinn created only moments before. They emerge into an unfamiliar region of space.
The White Star slips out of the wormhole, back into normal space. In the process, it almost collides with another ship.
The White Star is racing through the wormhole when suddenly the ship lurches, and outside things turn utterly black.
The White Star exits the wormhole.
One of Dr. Franklin's associates on Earth sends Franklin a specimen he's been studying. It's an ancient model of cyborg--its marking indicate it to be something called a T-800 "Terminator".
Things are going normally on the station, but not for long.
Something's happening in the station's gardens. Bodies have been turning up, expressions of horror and panic on their faces--but not a scratch on them. No one can seem to track the killer.
The Rabid Bantha Bar and Grille
© 1997 really_big_evil@hotmail.com
"I'm picking up a small group of fighters," Lennier says. "They're heading away from that small moon in quite a hurry."
"That's no moon," Lyta says. "It's a space station."
Moments later, the station explodes.
"Cool!" Quinn shouts.
"Didn't we just see this at Z'ha'dum?" Bester asks.
"I'm detecting another fighter," Lennier says. "On a separate trajectory than the others."
"Intercept it. Let's find out what's going on," Sheridan orders.
The White Star approaches a small, angle-winged craft. A com-channel is opened. "This is Captain John Sheridan onboard the White Star. Identify yourself."
A deep voice, punctuated by rythmic hissing, responds. "I am Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith. You will surrender your vessel to me."
"I think not," Sheridan says.
"Oh. Okay. Well, then how about a lift back to Coruscant? Palpatine's gonna be pissed; best not to keep him waiting too long. Maybe I could bum a ride in your docking bay?"
"Hey," Sheridan says. "I know that voice! You're the CNN guy!"
"No, I'm--"
"You are! C'mon, say it!"
"I think you have me confused with someone else."
"I'm no letting you aboard until you say it."
"I really don't--"
"Say it!"
"I don't want--"
"SAY IT!"
"Can I come on board, now?"
"PSYCHE!" Sheridan jeers. He nods to Quinn, who activates another wormhol, and they disappear into it.
Vader snarls as the wormhole vanishes. "Bunch of damn hotrodders. Think they own the spaceways. If I had another Death Star, I'd teach them a thing or--Hey, there's an idea..."
UI #35: Road Trip, Part 3
"Open a channel," Sheridan snaps. "I want to talk to--"
He cuts off as the image of a bridge appears on-screen. A woman in red and black faces him.
"This is Captain Janeway of the starshi Voyager. Where the hell did you learn how to fly?"
"I was about to ask you the same," Sheridan says.
A pointy-eared man approaches Janeway.
"Captain, notice the design of that ship. There's obviously some Romulan influence there. I suggest we proceed with caution."
"Gee, you think, Tuvok?" Janeway says sarcastically. "You know, if I have to put up with another sixty years of that Vulcan crap, I'm just gonna--" She composes herself, faces Sheridan again. "Just what brings you here, Captain?"
"We're trying to find our way back home," Sheridan says.
"Join the club."
Just then, a bombshell in a skin-tight burgundy outfit comes into view. Every man on the White Star's bridge is instantly riveted to the screen.
"Captain," the woman says to Janeway. "They have some sort of dimensional manipulation technology in use. We could possibly use that to complete our own journey."
"Indeed?" Janeway faces Sheridan. "Would you be willing to share this technology with us?"
"Share?" the bombshell says. "Just take it from them. Resistance is futile."
Janeway rolls her eyes. "You just had to say it, didn't you?"
"Resistance?" Sheridan says, grinning at the bombshell. "Who said anything about resistance? Tell you what, red. Why don't you just come on over here and we can--oof!" He doubles over as Delenn elbows him in the gut.
"Your suggestion is refused," Delenn says to Janeway. "You and your little floozy will have to try somewhere else."
She fires at the other vessel, knocking out its weapons. She pushes a drooling Quinn away from the timer and opens another wormhole, taking them inside.
As they race through the wormhole, Sheridan rubs his sore stomach. "Ouch. Hey, 'Lennie, what'd I say?"
Delenn gives him a withering look.
"Ah." Sheridan hesitates. "I'm sleeping on the couch tonight, aren't I?"
UI #36: Road Trip, Part 4
"What's going on?" Sheridan demands.
Quinn fidgets with the timer. "I don't know. It looks like we've been pulled into a completely different plane of existence."
There's a shimmer in the air, and a young man appears on the bridge. "Hi-de-ho, folks! Wesley Crusher, guardian of the multiverse, at your service!" He tips a salute
"Oh, no," Quinn moans.
"You know him?" Delenn asks.
"It's been a while, but we've met."
"And what brings you here, Mr. Crusher?" Delenn asks.
"You guys want to see a dead body?" Crusher says. "HA! Just kidding. Actually, I sort of keep an eye on teh various dimensions now, look into any anomalies. And you guys have been creating quite a stir. Of course, I wouldn't expect anything less from my old buddy Quinn, here. You been working out, buddy?" He smacks Quinn on the stomach.
"I think we're all going to see a dead body in a few minutes..." Quinn growls.
Crusher ignores him. He looks over Quinn's timer. "Nice work, there. But a bit of advice? Get out of the boy-genius routine. It really doesn't lead anywhere."
Lennier sighs and shakes his head. "Don't I know it..."
"I mean, look at me," Crusher says. "In the end, the writers couldn't figure out anything else to do with me. So they gave me all these cool powers and booted me off the show."
"Yeah, well at least you got the cool powers," Quinn says. "I just got the boot! But I'm not BITTER!"
"Right, right. I just wanted to stop by and give you the advice. And to let you all know that if you're going to continue this little joyride, there's one dimension in particular you might want to avoid."
"Which one is that?" Sheridan asks.
"You'll know it when you see it. It's VERY familiar." He stops, as a beeping comes from his pocket. He pulls out a pager, looks at the message. "Damn."
"What's up?" Sheridan asks.
"Kirk Alert. The man refuses to stay dead." Crusher shakes his head. "Last time, I conjured up a purple-skinned, three-breasted woman, where one of the breasts was actually a pressure-sensitive bomb--and he still revived! The man just KEEPS...COMING...BACK!"
Suddenly Bester perks up. "Hey, here's an idea to handle him..." He whispers to Crusher, who smiles.
"Nasty," Crusher says. "Every time he even *thinks* of that when he sees a woman...? This'll be fun."
Crusher waves to all. "Be seeing you, folks. Just remember, stay away from that one area, and you'll be fine." He disappears.
The ship shudders again, and they're back in the wormhole.
"Okay, everybody," Sheridan says. "Show of hands. Who thinks we're going t wind up in the dimension he warned us away from--simply *because* he warned us away from it?"
Every hand shoots up.
"Gee, there's a shocker..."
UI #37: Road Trip, The Finale
"Where are we, now?" Sheridan asks.
"Unknown," Lennier says. "I'm detecting a space station up ahead, but..."
"But what?"
"The readings show it to be composed of elements of Babylon 5, but not enough to be identical."
"Take us in," Sheridan says.
Soon, the station comes into view.
"We're being hailed," Lennier says.
An image appears on-screen, a bald man. "This is Captain Benjamin Sisko of Deep Space Nine. State your business."
"Our business," Sheridan says, "is to find out where you got the idea for this station."
"We...uh...came up with it completely on our own. Yeah, that's it. Completely on our own. No ripping off going on here!" Sisko whispers to the red-haired woman next to him, "Get the lawyers on the phone."
"Captain," Lennier says. "That ship docked at the station. The Defiant. It's a hybrid of two separate technologies, just as the White Star is."
"Coincidence!" Sisko shouts.
A grayish-skinned alien approaches Sisko. "Sisko, what nonsense have you brought to my station this time?"
"Dukat, now really isn't--"
"DUKHAT?!" Delenn bursts. "You mock the dead?"
"No, no," Dukat says hastily. "It's not the same, see? My name doesn't have the 'H' in it. It's completely different!"
"Fire torpedoes!" Sisko shouts. "We can't let them get away and spread the word!"
"Get us out of here, Quinn!" Sheridan shouts. "They've got thirty years' worth of muscle to throw at us!"
Quinn punches up another wormhole, but something goes wrong. The wormhole stretches out, merging with the wormhole beside the station. Both the station and the White Star start to ripple and distort.
"What's going on?!" Sheridan says.
"The combination of the two wormholes is cancelling out this reality--and us with it!" Lennier shouts.
"John!" Delenn says. "Since we're not going to make it, I have to tell you--I'm actually in love with Lennier!"
"That's all right!" Sheridan says. "So am I!"
Just as it seems certain the entire dimension will dissolve, two men walk onto the White Star's bridge. One of the hooks a far more advanced timer than Quinn's into a console. Pushing a button, the two wormholes separate and the White Star disappears into its own portal, leaving the familiar (but not enough for legal action) dimension behind.
As they race through the wormhole, Sheridan says to the men, "All right, who are you?"
"Blind Man sent us," the older of the two men says. "He decided it was time to wrap this thing up--at least for now."
"Ah, well," Sheridan says. "It was fun while it lasted. At least we'll have some cool stories to tell when we get back."
"No, you won't," the younger of the men says.
The two men in black put on sunglasses. The younger one takes out a small rod and pushes a button on it.
*FLASH!*
Next thing Sheridan and the others (minus Quinn) know, they're exiting hyperspace and approaching Babylon 5.
Corwin hails them. "Captain, where have you been? You've been gone for days!"
"Just visiting some relatives," Sheridan says...
UI #38: The Guardian
"It looks like Conan," Sheridan says.
"No, no," Garibaldi says. "It's Danny Devito's brother."
Franklin attempts to understand the inactive mechanisms, without success. Sheridan calls Lennier in, hoping the Minbari's advanced technological skills can be of use.
Several days later, Lennier goes to Sheridan's office, the Terminator in tow.
"Well, looks like you've managed to work another miracle," Sheridan says.
The Terminator looks Sheridan over, dismisses him.
"It wasn't too difficult," Lennier says. "I *am* having a few problems with its protection programming, though. There are still a few bugs to work out."
"Well, I'm sure you'll be able to handle it." Sheridan starts to clap Lennier on the shoulder.
"No, wait!" Lennier shouts.
But he's too late. Sheridan's hand lands on his shoulder.
The Terminator's head snaps around, and it glares at Sheridan. In a thick Austrian accent it says, "Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!"
It pulls out a gun and shoots Sheridan dead.
Lennier claps a hand agaist his forehead and shakes his head in resignation. Then he brightens, as he realizes Delenn'll be looking for a new man...
UI #39: Marcus Cole Returns--Yet Again
"Captain!" Corwin calls out. "Something's coming through the jumpgate. The readings...I've never seen anything like them."
Sheridan goes to the viewport, and watches a ship emerge from the jumpgate.
"That's a White Star!" he says. "I didn't order any--open a channel. I want to talk to them."
An image of the White Star's bridge appears on-screen, and Sheridan blinks in surprise as he sees the commander of the vessel. "Marcus?"
For indeed it is Marcus Cole in the captain's chair. And he's not alone. Manning every bridge station, and indeed manning every station on the ship, are a multitude of Marcuses, drawn from the various dimensions.
Beardless Marcus! Bald Marcus! Fat Marcus! Skinny Marcus! Kung-Fu Marcus! Action-Grip Marcus! Malibu Marcus! Glow-in-the-dark Marcus! Dentist Marcus! Astronaut Marcus! Marcus Welby! And countless others.
"We have come for our fallen brother," Captain Marcus says.
"Ah," Sheridan says. "Well, see, he's...dead, I'm afraid."
"We know," Marcus replies. "But we have come to take him to a place where Marcus will never die. A place founded and tended by the wisdom and skill of the great undying one--James T. Kirk. Praise be to the Kirk!"
"Praise be to the Kirk!" the other Marcuses intone.
"Under Kirk's tutelage, Marcus will never stay dead, regardless of logic or common sense. If you would be so kind as to shuttle him over?"
"Of course, of course," Sheridan says. "It's not like *we* have any further use for him."
Marcus's frozen body is shuttled over to the White Star, which then creates its own jumpgate and disappears.
"Well," Sheridan says, "that was certainly--"
"Captain," Corwin interrupts. "Another ship is coming in. Another White Star!"
Sheridan watches the ship emerge from the jumpgate. But when communication is established, he is again surprised. This ship is staffed completely with Ivanovas!
"Sheridan," Captain Ivanova says. "You didn't happen to see a ship full of Marcuses come through here, did you?"
UI #40: Babylon Park
The few clues that are found are taken to Dr. Franklin for analysis, but he seems strangely reluctant to divulge information.
Sheridan, Garibaldi and Delenn go to Medlab, intending to get some answers.
"All right, Stephen," Sheridan says. "No more stalling. You know what's going on in the gardens, don't you?"
"I...I'm afraid I do, yes." Franklin punches up a computer file, gestures to the screen.
"What's all this?" Sheridan says.
"I cloned Marcus and Ivanova."
"You what?" Sheridan, Delenn and Garibaldi chime in unison.
"I cloned them," Franklin says. "They were just too popular with the fans. I was only thinking of the show, trying to help with the ratings..."
Sheridan grabs the front of Frankln's shirt, begins shaking him. "My GOD, man! You're tampering with forces that man was not meant to understand!"
"Oh, I see," Garibaldi says. "You can clone two people, but you can't come up with something to give me back my hair? Oh, I get it!"
Garibaldi whips out his gun and shoots Franklin dead.
"Oh, good move, Michael," Sheridan says. "How are we supposed to stop these things without his help?"
"Relax, John," Delenn says. "These might be forces that *man* was not meant to understand, but I'm not a man--I'm a woman, so I'll probably understand them right away."
She goes to the computer screen, scans the file. "Odd. Franklin captured the Marcus and Ivanova clones, destroyed them..." Her face falls as she keeps reading. "But he discoverd evidence that they'd been BREEDING!"
"That's impossible," Sheridan says. "Those two characters were never designed to mate with each other."
"Well, they did."
"To the gardens, then," Sheridan says. "Time to put a stop to this..."
The three of them go to the gardens, but turn up nothing in their search. As they're about to leave, they hear a rustling in the trees. Sheridan turns a sensor in that direction.
"I'm picking up a mixture of Marcus's and Ivanova's genetic structures," he says. "This is what we're after..."
Three forms spring out into the open.
"What...what are they?" Delenn asks. "Puppies?"
"Some kind of monkey, maybe?" Garibaldi says.
Two of the figures chime, "We're the Warner Brothers."
"And the Warner sister," the other says.
The tallest one comes forward. "Look, sibs! We've found ourselves three new *special* friends!"
The female creature leaps into Garibaldi's arms. "Helloooooo, nurse!" She bats her eyelashes at him.
"Get her off!" Garibaldi says. "She's working some kind of cute weirdness on me!"
Sheridan draws his weapon. Before he can fire, the creature in the blue shirt pulls a gigantic mallet out of a bag, and smacks Sheridan over the head with it, sending the weapon flying.
"C'mon," the tallest creature says to Delenn, Sheridan and Garibaldi. "No need to be hostile. You're our special friends, and we're going to be together forever and ever and ever and ever..."
The screaming begins almost immediately...
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