An Audience With Pope Easier Rhino

Welcome my children. Welcome to the Online Cathedral Of Greater Enlightenment and Stuff. Have a seat in the back and we'll begin.
All settled. Good.
Post mortem avidiasum sum es est non delectatus pro bono fidelium. Nunc est in vidio nolo contendre felicitatus sed hominum in flagrante. In nomine vale atque ad sedere sum nihil volare pater fillia sub rosa ex cedere non est in oedipus rex cave canum veni vidi vici.
Amen

Attention! New Confessional Here!

Father C.P.U. is open for business here in the Cathedral, so why not unburden your souls to him before divine wrath smacks you down like a worm. We strongly recommend it, because frankly we've seen your souls and they need a good bit of cleaning. Personally, we have no need to confess because being bitch-slapped by the Allmighty is not something we fear, but you should.

Previous Saintly Additions

St. Hortense Ass-Chunking, Patron of Emergency Proctological Object-Removal, is the latest to add her title to the ancient rolls of the saints stored in my back pocket. Her icons have been known to cause spontanious dropping of carrots from deep in the rectal cavity and water from her spring can save even the most inveterate gerbal-fancier. More information will be forthcoming as soon as she phones in from Planet Wambeeno and tells us (notice how I refer to myself in the third person, a classic sign of both royalty and schizophrenia). As her incense burner swings both ways she has consented to be the Online Cathedral's new Altar Boy/Girl.

St. Alandys, Patron of Toolbelts (don't ask) and Typos is our newest edition to the hagiographical lists (for those of us not aware of what hagiography is, it's like biography for Saints and holy people). I'm thinking of maybe writing the names down on a scroll somewhere, burying it, and then waiting several hundred years for an archaeologist to dig it up and wonder what the heck was going on back in the early 00's.
So, anyway, we have a minor icon (for those of you into that sort of thing, or who want to be iconoclasts and rip it up, or whatever) available of St. Alandys, and a myth of how she drove the dung beetles out of Upper East Ghana, where I'm told she is worshipped as a demi-god. We could do that too, but we won't as our pantheon is screwed up enough already. Also, she has a site where I'm told I am or soon will be the head Dragon or something along those lines, which sounds pretty much my style.

Kyleelou, Queen of the Boomerang People and Goddess of All Things Wise and Wonderful, may add Saint to her list of titles, making her the first person to request her own cannonization from Pope Easier Rhino I. Congratulations to our new patron Saint of Boomerangs, St. Kyleelou.
I was going to cannonize the cat who tollerates my presence (I couldn't call him MINE) The Holy Smudge I, but he is already a deity in his own right and so doesn't need my affirmation. But, should you wish to worship at his altar (we're pretty loose about pantheism here at the Online Cathedral of Greater Enlightenment and Stuff) it can be found here. I am now taking applications for other altars (just like at the National Cathedral only much easier and cheaper, not to mention more classy) so feel free to drop me a line sponsoring one.

The Updated List of Saints is as Follows:
Also, I wish to excommunicate whoever decided to put pop-ups back on Geocities pages. May they burn in the firey furnaces of blackest hell! I excommunicate thee, I excommunicate thee, I excommunicate thee!
My Papal decrees (or nuncios, which sounds better) are as follows: Further bulletins as events warrant.

On the subject of papal nuncios, should you or anyone you know feel the need to be cannonized, feel free to mail me the name of the prospective saint and the reason why you wish to be cannonized, and I'll have my cardinals look into it. There are also some positions open in the Online Cathedral of Greater Enlightenment and Stuff; feel free to apply for them. Or (shameless plug) fill out the Survey which has been newly updated to accept applications of this sort.
The postions open:

Unfortunately for anyone who wanted to be Devil's Advocate, that position has been applied for and filled by St. Kyleelou (which just goes to show that you can't ever ask for too much from the Online Cathedral of Greater Enlightenment and Stuff). So below are the revised members of the Cathedral, in order (or disorder) of importance. Also, while I didn't cannonize him, The Holy Smudge I has deigned to help out as Lord High Inquisitor, because he is nothing if not questioning. Also, my scribe Ignatz felt he should be included, so I made him the official scribe of The Online Cathedral of Greater Enlightenment and Stuff.
  1. Pope Easier Rhino I, Subduer of the Infidel
  2. The Holy Smudge I, Lord High Inquisitor (and deity, but that isn't listed on this particular chart)
  3. Father Confessor C.P.U.
  4. St. Kyleelou of Boomerangs, Devil's Advocate
  5. Ignatz, Scribe
  6. Prophet Fenderson ("If the mountain will not go to Fenderson, he will have to sit on his ass and wait.")
  7. Alter Boy/Girl Hortense Ass-Chunking
  8. Everyone else in the world.
This audience has ended, go in peace.
Thanks be to Eris.
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