Unrequited

2/24/97 UNREQUITED
A Nothingness Review of ‘Unrequited’
by C.Schmidt ®

DISCLAIMER: Please keep your hands inside the car while it is in motion. Be sure to grab all young children firmly by the hand and DO NOT leave them with us when the ride is over! We don’t want your brats! OOPS! See this is what happens when you live near Disney... You spew Disney instructions, in 3 different languages to! Um... the disclaimer... I don’t own it, didn’t even think of creating it, but I do have the nerve to rip it apart! Chris Carter, and the boys at 1013 and FOX own the X-File’s and all that stuff what comes with.

Opening Scene -

We see the American Flag. There is a military glorification ceremony going on as we see a sea of flag toting people in the audience, or are these just contest winners? Hmm, looks a lot more like a meaningless filler of a segment on ET then a military rally. Nope this is an X-Files it’s Skinner! Yes we see Skinner talking to himself. Wait he is talking into one of those neat little James Bond type of gadgets. And he is talking to Scully! Cool...wait...They never show the dynamic duo in the opening teaser... Oh look Scully botched it she let the guy get out of her sight! Nope wait there he is. Nope lost him. Oh Mulder found him...and lost him.. Now wait Skinner spotted him... and lost him. Mulder found him again... and he’s got a gun! No not Mulder, Mulder always has a gun, I mean the guy no one can see but sees anyway and then can’t see anymore. Him, he’s the one with the gun. And we lose the guy no one can see again...

Cue Opening Theme -

Which we have changed and now all X-Philes are singing along with The Boss... “I was born on the fourth of July....” Music is now over and so are the commercials. Darn! I was hoping to see the Congrats add for Gillian. Oh well....

12 hours earlier. We see a chopper landing and a high ranking General with lots of medals get out of the chopper and get into a limo. The General is riding in his limo and reading when he sees a card then a guy magically appears and blows his brains out.

There is a meeting Skinner’s office and all are chatting about the murder...

STAND IN FBI AGENT: It was the driver! He blow the General’s head off!

SKINNER: No it wasn’t!

SIFA: It has to be, there was no one else there and the doors were locked.

SKINNER: Well I think there is something else going on here. So I have called in some real agents to deal with this case.

SIFA: Real agents? Oh, man you don’t mean Mr. Spooky and the Ice Queen? Please say you didn’t call them in.

Mulder and Scully enter the room...

SCULLY: This better be good! We were at an ego boosting post awards party. And I was being told how Great Thou art by lots of actors and directors.

MULDER: Yeah, we had lots of people sucking up to us... Well most of the groupies were sucking up to Scully. But this better be good! I mean there was free food there and lots of pretty women.

SKINNER: Well this is good! It concerns National Security.

SCULLY: Uh, huh... like what? Someone black mailing ol’e Bill again?

MULDER:Yeah is there another prostitute suing for unpaid sex. Or is this one of those campaign funds' mess’s that the FBI isn’t supposed to get involved with but we will anyway?

SKINNER: No, no... this concerns a General that was murdered.

SCULLY: So why were we called. Let the military handle it, they hate us anyway.

MULDER: Yeah every time I go on a military base I end up in jail. I agree with Scully let them figure it out. Besides they will either classify or change the report we finally to end up submitting.

SKINNER: Well can’t do that this time Mulder. There are lots of Generals scared shitless right now and they are all calling my office and bothering me to find the killer.

MULDER: Well I really hate dealing with the military... Everything is so strict. And I always get in trouble.

SCULLY: Yeah and I am tired of always getting Mulder’s butt out of the brig... But wait... If we work on this case, can I wear some combat gear again? I liked wearing that stuff, makes me look taller. And do I get to carry a big gun?

MULDER: No Skinner! Don’t let her wear combat gear! She acts all funny and weird when she does. And I am the one that is left to deal with Rambo type Scully. And it sucks!

SKINNER: Well like I said it is out of my hands you two are on this case! Now get to work I want this solved in 12 hours!

SCULLY: Cool! When can I get my combat gear?

MULDER: Shut up Scully! There will be no combat gear for you!

SCULLY: Yes there will be or I won’t help solve this case!

SKINNER:Will you two hush! Look I have a warrant for this neo-miltiary zealous type person and...

SCULLY: Ooo, can we issue the warrant? Please say yes! I love issuing warrants. I feel so powerful when we do! Please yes please...

SKINNER: Yes Scully you can issue the arrest warrant.

SCULLY: Cool! Come on Mulder I need to go get my combat gear before we arrest this dirt bag.

MULDER: Oh great. Look what you have created Sir... A Rambo Scully... I am going to hate this episode. I just know it! I can’t wait till it is over so I can go back to being the actor, and schmoozing with other actor types like Tea... she is hot...

Mulder and Scully go to arrest this guy. And this guy is smart he sicks his big mean ugly dogs on our two fav agents. But all for not, Scully was smart enough to get back up and there is a small well-armed army to help bring this guy in. Mulder and Scully question this guy...

MULDER: Ok who is this guy in the picture you had me get?

MILITARY FREAK GUY: That is a POW, Mr. FBI guy. He made it out! And what does he get for his trouble? The government tries to kidnap him.

SCULLY: Sir, I hope you know that our lovely truth telling government said in 1973 that there where no more POWS and all rumors to the contrary are fabrics of some really sick and imaginative people in Hollywood... like Oliver Stone, Sly Stone, Rupart Murdock, Barney and Big Bird. I don’t believe your story and I can’t believe you even thought I would consider believing this load of shit. Now where can we find this guy in the picture!

MFG: You can’t well... what I mean is you can’t see him. He is a ghost sent here to avenge the dead ma’am.

MULDER: Look I have a date with my new main squeeze Tea in like 12 hours so please tell us where we can find this guy.

SCULLY: I thought her name was coffee? And what happened to Winnlona?

MULDER: It is now coffee and stop make of my dates! And Winnlona had a big boyfriend.

SCULLY: Oh, so it is Tea then... Ain’t she married?

MULDER: Shut up Scully! It isn’t like she is a star of a dramatic series and gets to have a stand in I could date instead! And she is one hot looking mama! And I really want to get back to her. So lets go and finish this episode.

A widow is at the Wall when the man we can’t see is seen. Later Skinner meets with Mulder and Scully at the Wall where Scully processed to grill the widow to the point that she blows a capillary in her eye. Mulder later goes and looks at some teeth and figures out who the next barer of the death card will be. He calls the next victim and assigns some agents to protect him. But to no avail, the guy we can’t see gets into the Pentagon -only to be captured on video- and blows another Generals head off.

A highly decorated General meets with the military freak guy that Scully and Mulder dragged in, and the general threatens him.

Scully figures something out about blind spots. Skinner shows them the video tape of the guy they can’t see...

SKINNER: OK Scully, if I can’t see him then explain why I can see this solider killer on this video.

SCULLY: Hey don’t look at me! I just spew all the medical stuff, I don’t have the answers ask Mulder! He knows or at least he will attempt to explain it to fit all the hard evidence I have gather and then fill in the missing areas with those damned famed Mulderisms. One thing though, if you get Mulder to go into one of those long drawn out Mulderisms... can I leave? I have lots to do and not much time to cram it all in.

MULDER: Hey what you don’t like my explanations?

SCULLY: No! They are boring and dumb and always put me to sleep.

MULDER: Well my fans love them. And there are lots of women out there that would gladly give their first born son just to spend 3 minutes with me and even if I went into as you put it “A long drawn out Mulderism.”

SCULLY: Well your fans are dumb then! Look I am out of here I got things to do people to see and awards to pick up. So can we hurry this along.

SKINNER: Yeah Mulder, please. I mean I hate all the killing of these nice Generals. It is well makes me angry to think someone would have a grudge against the military. And I want it stopped! Only the government is allowed to kill soldiers and get away with it.

MULDER: Well like Scully said, I think there is this thing a natural blind spot...

Both Skinner and Scully pretend to listen as they all walk around the Pentagon...

MULDER: And it is because of this blind spot... blah blah blah, Aliens, blah blah Cancer Man, blah blah, Agent Orange, blah blah blah Platoon blah blah blah

SKINNER: Now Platoon was a good flick! But please continue Mulder.

MULDER: Bombing of Cambodia, blah blah blah, LBJ, blah blah blah, conspiracy, blah blah I need to meet with the uni-blond blah blah...

SCULLY: Are you done yet? And I think we are lost! How the hell do we get out of this building?

SKINNER: Yeah I think we are Scully.

SCULLY: See Mulder it is all your fault you babbled and made us lose our sense of direction. And they don’t have those little “You are here,” maps in the Pentagon.

We see a parade and a marching band and lots of military looking things. Then Mulder goes to pump the uni-blond for info. She tells him useless info, has she was only in this episode because it is in her contact to appear in so many episodes. So this was as good as any to have her in. We go back to the parade and see Scully run through the band as she spots the guy no one can see and she creates a panic as she draws her gun.

Later the rally is about to begin and Skinner, Mulder Scully and some highly decorated General meet in a make shift command post at the rally.

SCULLY:Where the hell have you been?

MULDER: Doing something you hate, work!

SCULLY: Oh please, look we almost had that guy and it would have been nice if you would have been here to at least help. So where were you?

MULDER: Meeting with the blond snitch.

SCULLY: Why? She is useless. And I hate her!

MULDER: You are jealous!

SCULLY: Am not!

MULDER: Yes you are! You think me and her might get it on and...

SCULLY: That is a lie and wishful thinking on your part! Remember we do NOT get sex on this show! Hell I think Chris is going to make me have a baby, and ya know what?

MULDER: No what?

SCULLY: I won’t even get to have sex to make this baby. So please on the “I might get to do it with the uni-blond.” And I still think she is useless! She has never given us good dirt on anything! I miss X and Deep Throat, they always gave us good leads. I think you should fire her Mulder!

MULDER: You are just jealous is all.

SKINNER: What are you two fighting about now?

SCULLY: Mulder was scooping the uni-blond and claiming it was work while we single handily saved the General this afternoon.

SKINNER: You were with the hot un-blond?

MULDER: Yes and she gave me some good information to!

SCULLY: Yeah like what?

MULDER: Like we are not supposed to be able to solve this case.

SCULLY: Ok that is it! I will solve this case just to piss her off! Telling me I can’t solve a case I’ll show her! And when the hell do I get to wear that combat gear I was promised.

SKINNER: What do you mean you weren’t supposed to be able to solve this case?

MULDER: Well that is what she said, but it is a mute point now. See, the Rambo Scully has kicked in and this case is as good as solved. Come on lets go finish this episode up so one I can get out of her and see my new hot babe, Tea. And two I wanna be as far away from Scully when she gets that combat gear on.

We see the American Flag. There is a military glorification ceremony going on as we see a sea of flag toting people in the audience, or we these just contest winners? Hmm, looks a lot more like a meaningless filler of a segment on ET then a military rally. Nope this is an X-Files it’s Skinner! Yes we see Skinner talking to himself. Wait he is talking into one of those neat little James Bond type of gadgets. And he is talking to Scully! Cool...wait...They never show the dynamic duo in the opening teaser... Oh look Scully botched it she let the guy get out of her sight! Nope wait there he is. Nope lost him. Oh Mulder found him...and lost him.. Now wait Skinner spotted him... and lost him. Mulder found him again... and he’s got a gun! No not Mulder, Mulder always has a gun, I mean the guy no one can see but sees anyway and then can’t see anymore. Him, he’s the one with the gun. And we lose the guy no one can see again...

SCULLY: WAIT! Whoa! This already happened.

MULDER: Shut up Scully and get back into the crowd and find that guy!

SCULLY: Now how in the hell are we supposed to find a person we can’t see?

MULDER: We set a trap.

SCULLY: Like what?

MULDER: Well you look like the same build as the general, put on his clothes and go sit in that car and we will use you has bait.

SCULLY: Huh??? Me bait! I think NOT! And I look nothing like that old fart of a general! I am young, skinny and radiant! Get Skinner to be the bait.

MULDER: Nope! Can’t he is to tall and bald.

Mulder, Scully, Skinner and the General walk to the car and like magic there is the guy we can’t see. Well we don’t see him, he is in the the car. But Mulder and Scully know he is there and shoot at the car, killing the POW.

Later we see Mulder and Skinner at the Wall as Skinner tells Mulder the government changed all the reports of the case. Yep cover up and conspiracy but Hey! This is an X-File so what else would you expect?

THE END