Redux

11/3/97
REDUX
‘Redux - The Nothingness Review’
by C.Schmidt ®

Disclaimer:This is a blatant attempt at humor nothing more nothing less. Hopefully Chris Carter is not mad and won’t sue as well I have nothing to pay him with anyway. The writer takes no credit for The-X-Files, any laughing that may occur while reading, any monitors ruined while spitting because of laughing, pregnant going into labor because of laughing, bad spelling, worse grammar, lack of sex between the two major characters, and the death of small children around the world.

Opening Scene

The wait is over in just about, wait what did that clock on The X-Files site say? Oh yeah, the wait is finally over NOW! Clock says zero! And we get the rehashing of last seasons finally......

Lots of stuff we re-watched over an over during the summer. Then Scully continues with the narration at the FBI meeting with the big table...

SCULLY: Early this morning I got a call from the police. Asking me to come to Agent Mulder’s apartment. The detective asked me..needed me to identify a body.

FBI BOSS GUY#1: Agent Scully...

SCULLY: Hush! I’m in a real dramatic scene here and you are distracting me! The last time that happened I kicked Tea off the set. So hush while I make my lips quiver and my eye brow freeze like Spocks and lay on few tears for the Emmy... Cause that piece of hardware is MINE this year!

FBI BOSS GUY#1: Oh sorry do go ahead....

SCULLY:Agent Mulder dead late last night from an apparent self inflicting gunshot wound to the head......

24 HOURS EARLIER

Mulder is watching one of his favorite tapes and crying (must have been a real good tape). Then the Mulder narration begins.... Something about a torch in the glimmer of darkness for the unknown or something to that effect. His monologue is interrupted by the phone.

MULDER: WHAT!

KHRISTGAU: There’re watching you....

Mulder looks around and sees a hole in the ceiling. He high-tails it upstairs busts the door open (so much for the standard FBI rules and regulations on entering a private home without a search warrant). The mean evil DOD dude tries to burn the evidence but Mulder has happy feet (yeah sort of like the new quarterback for the Gators -he has those happy "I wanna dance" instead of "maybe I should place both feet on the field so I don’t throw an interception in the big game" feet), and puts out the fire. While Mulder is doing his Smoky bear imitation the evil DOD dude whips out a gun. The normal X-Files trick of not showing us what happens is interested here so all we get is the sound of a shot gun blast then we see the door shut.....

Cue Da’ Music -

"It ain’t no joke I’d like to buy the world a toke and teach the world to sing in perfect harmony and teach the world to snuff the fries and the LIARS. Hey I know it’s just a song but it’s spice for the recipe This is the love attack I know it went out but it’s back it’s just like any fad it retracts before impact and just like fashion it’s a passion for the with it and hip if ya got the goods they’ll come and buy it just to stay in the clique. So don’t delay act know supplies are running out allow if you’re still alive six to eight years to arrive and if you follow there may be tomorrow but if the offer is shun you might as well be walking on the sun"

‘Walkin’ On The Sun’
Smashmouth - Fush Yu Mang

Scully comes home and checks her message machine....

THE MACHINE: You have no new messages...

SCULLY: Damn I know I should have thanked all those other people when I won my award! Now no one is talking to me! This sucks I win the Emmy and everyone abandons me.

Scully continues to walk around in the dark and begins to take off her shirt. WOW Scully in a T-shirt, there is a God! Whoa Scully starts to take her shirt off.... Oh, never mind. She is startled by a voice.... Err wait that is grunting, sort of like the music or attempt of music one hears at a strip bar, you know that saxophone na na na na na na na na na na. na!

MULDER: Take it off! Um... sorry got caught up in the moment. I was supposed to say "Keep going FBI woman."

SCULLY: Mulder what are you doing sitting in the dark an on my bed?

MULDER: Well see... Um...Sort a waiting for you, but then you wouldn’t know what to do anyway so never mind. Guess I better leave and go to the local strip bar.

SCULLY: Didn’t they ban you from there?

MULDER: No that was from Starbachs. And all because I said I don’t wanna live here no more. Go figure.

SCULLY: Well you did insult their city and made lots of jokes at their expense. But still it wasn’t like you killed any one.

MULDER: Um... well Um.. Scully I sort of did.

SCULLY: What? Mulder I know that the city official type people sent that hooky old wanna be star up here dressed like what a rain forest or something and that you scared him and he sort of had a heart attack. But you can not except the blame for that it was just nature calling is all.

MULDER: Nah... I could give a hoot about that besides it was so embarrassing. I mean I killed the government official and now his face is sort of blown off.

SCULLY: WHAT?

MULDER: There was this DOD guy and he was watching me. I hate being watched as much as I hate rain. But anyway I went to confront him about being a peeking Tom, and well he tried to set the place on fire. Then I blow his head off.

SCULLY: Oh that is great so now what?

MULDER: Well I found this really cool ATM card while pillaging through is belongings. And I could use the cash now that I am on the run.... But I think I am going to have to ask something from you and I really hope you are as good an actress as they claim.

SCULLY: Well I did when an Emmy this year so I think I can handle it.

MULDER: I’m gonna need you to lie for me.

SCULLY: No problem, piece of cake....

MULDER: Um...Scully you are not that great of a liar. I mean you are going to have to look old baldy...

SCULLY: You mean Skinner?

MULDER: Yeah him in the eye and tell an out right lie.

SCULLY: So... actually I don’t really have to look him in the eye. As I never really have, remember he is like so tall and it hurts my neck to up that high. So he won’t notice that I am lying... By the way, what I am lying about? Is it that I have to go on TV and say "Yes Mulder really loves the rain and Vancouver?" or "Gee Tea, David was NOT at the strip bar getting it on with all those women?" or is it "Yeah I really enjoyed that movie Playing God?"

MULDER: Really you like it?

SCULLY: No! That was the worst piece of crud I have seen since....since The Turning. But ya’ believed me huh?

Mulder and Scully make a pact to lie. And the Lying game has begun, as in the next scene we see Scully telling a lie to Skinner. "Yep sir, that person with no face laying on the floor in a puddle of blood is Mulder." Skinner knows Scully could NEVER lie -as she is a bad actress and liar- and believes her.

Meanwhile Mulder decides now is a good time to try out that new ATM card. So he goes to that place were all the really good lies are spewed, the military. And much to his surprise the card works and Mulder is in! Scully is called into speak with Blevins she lies and he threatens and informs her she better be prepared it spill her guts in the meeting schedule later tonight with lots of high ranking FBI people and a big table.

Mulder walks around that military place and bumps into Khristgau, and they chat. In a cut away scene, we see The CSM, breaking into Mulder’s pad. He looks around a bit has some flashbacks then leaves.

Scully starts snooping around and finds out that Skinner is the one that those calls were made to. Then she gets a call from that guy at the lab and he wants her... OOPS needs to speak to her about the ice core sample stuff.

Back to the Mulder/ Khristgau/everything is a conspiracy and a lie ala Oliver Stone stuff. Mulder gets a history lesson and more knowledge then he ever wanted on Gulf War Syndrome, oh and a possible cure for Scully. Then we see the CSM as he joins The Fat Italian dude at the races....

FID: I was told you needed to see me that there was some urgency.... You need me to whack off an enemy or is it leave a horse in some one's bed?

CSM: Maybe later, right now though it seems I have been left out of the loop.

FIT: Why do you say that?

CSM: You had someone watching Mulder.

FID: Did not.

CSM: Did to.

FID: Did not did not, besides he is dead. To bad to he was an assets and now with him gone we don’t get to look at Scully no more. Ehh wouldn’t have been able to much longer anyhow with the cancer and all. It’s your fault anyway you always under estimated him.

CSM: Did not, I just keep him in check is all. And I still don’t under estimate him.

The CSM gets up and leaves and we cut to the lab and see Scully chatting about those samples. Turns out the samples are alive is all. Again we get taken to Mulder walking around the military place and still giving us the narration thing until after trying all the doors, almost getting spotted and almost putting us to sleep with the narration, his little ATM card finally works on door number 4, and he is in. Oh cool it’s Scully turn to narrate, and Mulder is in a room full of dead alien bodies. He looks around a bit then sees another room with alien space craft -Hey I didn’t write this I am only watching it then telling you what I saw.

During her narration Scully gets an idea and makes the lab guy take her blood. She tells the dude her life depends on these samples and they better be ready by 7pm. The dude rushes off to fulfill her need. Then Skinner peeks in the room. Scully chases him down and questions him...

SCULLY: What are you doing here?

SKINNER: Just killing time till the meeting. And you got 5hours till you have to explain why you are lying.

SCULLY: I’m not laying...

SKINNER: Yes you are you are a bad liar and I saw right through it. Well that and I got the forensic reports from that body, it isn’t Mulder. So where is Mulder?

SCULLY: I don’t know.

SKINNER: Look Scully all this laying ain’t gonna help, you will have to tell the truth. I mean it will come out and then where will that leave ya huh?

SCULLY: So, I ain’t got much time to live anyway so what does it matter, either way I am dead so bite me! See ya at the meeting!

The Sculy narration continues as she does the tests on her blood and then we see Mulder enter a room wait.... this is the room the CSM puts all the evidence Mulder and Scully find!! WOW! Next Mulder goes into another room with lots and lots of files. So he snoops around and finds cards on everybody he knows. First he thinks it is just the governments Christmas card list -see now you know why the taxes are so high. But later figure it is for something else.

The narration continues but it is Mulder again. While he talks we see Scully still doing the test but now she has the results, hmmm, seems there is something in her blood stream looks weird too. Now we are into the massive narration and are thrown all kinds of clichés like the lies lead to the truth, the truth is out there et et et and more scenes of Scully playing with her blood while the Mulder scenes are that of him rummaging through the files. Finally we have real dialog not narration as the lab dude and Scully chat...

LAB DUDE: So what did you find?

SCULLY: The Truth.

LAB DUDE: No way you are lying.

SCULLY: Am not, besides I’m a bad liar , just ask that chick that writes those reviews of this dumb ass show.

LAB DUDE: So what did you find then.

SCULLY: Proof, seems my blood matches the samples.

LAB DUDE: So you are an unclassified specimen?

SCULLY: NO! I’m an alien.

LAB DUDE: Cool, but you don’t look like an alien. I mean well OK you are short, and well you are looking pretty thin now a days, and kinda pale looking these days, but you don’t have those big black eyes and stuff like the movies tell us what aliens look like.

SCULLY: Good God guy! Aliens don’t look like that didn’t you see the promos for Alien Reconstruction!?!?!? Aliens have big long teeth and I am thin and pale looking because I have THE cancer. And it is because of the unclassified specimen that I have THE cancer.

LAB DUDE: Huh??? How did you get this crap in you.... I’m so lost...

SCULLY: It’s OK I just figured it out myself too. See I have been in denial both THE cancer denial and abductee denial.

LAB DUDE: Abductee denial... God I’m so lost....

SCULLY: You should have done your home work before filming guy, but I guess I better explain a tad. See back in season 2 the person that plays me, that GREAT Emmy Award winning actress, sort of got knock up and they needed to have her written out for a while. So she was abducted by aliens....

LAB DUDE: That is the dumbest plot for a story I have ever heard!

SCULLY: May I continue?

The lab dude nods

SCULLY: Well I have denied that fact that I was abducted. I choose to believe the lie, that I was kidnapped by crazy train driving Japanese instead. Then we found out I got THE cancer. And my days are numbered. Any how, now I am no longer in any denial, and have the proof I need to blow the lid on everything we has Americans hold sacred.

LAB DUDE: And that is...

SCULLY: If I tell you I will have to kill you...

Mulder happens on something in a little silver thing -could be Scully’s cure, well he is harping on this in the narration! Anyway he pockets it and makes is get away. Meanwhile Scully goes in to that meeting with the FBI big wigs and the big table. And we are now caught up to the present. They grill her, she tells them Mulder was full of shit. There are flashbacks - Good God SCully looks just like Jody Foster back then! There are accusations. Then Scully lays the news Mulder killed himself -It’s a lie!! But only we know this. Then she yells at the committee...

SCULLY: You people are just mad because only me and Mulder get the recognition, and even more mad because I was the only one ot win the major award at the Emmy’s You people are so made that you have black balled me and now no one calls. You even made Skinner mad with me. He now hates me!!!

Scully is now ready to show her proof. But as she is getting ready to spill the whole shabang on everything.... Blood drips from her nose, and she collapses. Skinner catches her and she gives him the evil eye and whispers, "you." God! What acting! Then we cut to see Mulder with the Lone Gunman and they are checking out the stuff Mulder swiped from the military place...

MULDER: Well what is it....

The Lone Gunman all have not happy looks on their face. The answer is water... h2o water.....

TO BE CONTINUED.......