Paper Hearts

12/16/96
PAPER HEARTS
'A Nothingness Review of Paper Hearts'
by C.Schmidt ®

DISCLAIMER: Yeah yeah you have heard it all before ... same old same old, I don't own it, didn't write it, blah, blah, big legal words, threat of law suits, CC did it, more legal mumbo jumbo, FOX, blah, blah, don't sue!

Opening Scene-
Mulder is zonked on the couch. Hey when is he gonna get fish for that damn tank? Props!!!!! Make note of that please! Camera guy, get a close up of Mulder. Show the REM action of the eyes. This is a dream sequence, so make it look like such please.

Dream scene - not to be confused with the Dream Team.... Mulder dreams....

DREAMING MULDER:Ah, tomorrow my copy of Esquirer arrives....Ah.... the hot babe from the net....shirtless.... see through pants.......Ah..... Hey what’s that red light and that funny music doing interrupting my nice wet dream.... better follow it so I can get back to the good dream....

Mulder follows the dancing red light that is also giving him clues... Hey this is better then that old TV show Sing along with Mitch and the dancing red ball......

Mulder ends up seeing a girl laying in the leaves and wakes up from the dream.

End dream scene.

Mulder runs to the spot in his dream, carrying the cool meg flashlight. Next morning on a Sunday none the less he drags a forensic team to play in the dirt and leaves.......

SCULLY: This better be damn good! Waking me up on a Sunday morning to come here and watch them dig in the dirt when I should be getting my beauty sleep. I have a my first appearance on the Tonight Show and need to look my best Mulder! I don't have time for all your dumb and fun games. So what is soooooo important!

MULDER: Morning to you to Scully. Sorry I know you are all pumped for the Leno thing, but this is important. And anyway I heard you got bumped to second billing by Dole.

SCULLY: WHAT???? Not the last time I checked it said Gillian Anderson then all the other people followed by Vanessa Williams cause the singers are always last. I saw no mention of that old fart.

MULDER: Don't believe me huh? It said right there on the NBC homepage Bob Dole then you. Anyway I had the weirdest dream last night...

SCULLY: This bites! I finally get invited on Leno had to cancel, get re-scheduled as the top guest only to be replaced by a person I didn't even vote for! I'm not gonna stand for this I'm calling my manager!

MULDER: Well go call her now, we are getting ready to run the opening credits.....

Cue opening theme -
All the normal stuff and lots of commercials including the energizer bunny Tornado hunters spin off add........

MULDER: Done yelling at your manager? And Scully chill.... It's only a late night TV show, besides everyone will be watching the Dolphins get the shit kicked out of them on Monday night football. Maybe Jimmy Johnson will finally stop using Shula's play book and also bench the old and non-mobile Marino. I know I won't be tuning in till after the game. Now help me with my dream.

SCULLY: Shut up Mulder! You never get bumped from top billing! It's a conspiracy I tell you! And your right about the fins they reek this year. I thought ole JJ was supposed to take them to the big show. Guess maybe CSM don't like JJ. Not good for him if that's the case. And your dream...Ok, what did you eat before you went to bed?

MULDER: The usual stuff... so don't even think it was something I ate this is real Scully. look I'll prove it to you...

SCULLY: The usual huh? Like what 3 or 4 bags of them damn sunflower seeds some junk food and beer.... And what do you think you are doing? You'll contaminant the crime scene let them do the digging!

MULDER: I know this case, I put the guy that did all these murders away years ago. Thought we found all the victims though...

SCULLY: Apparently not! Look a skull.....

Mulder is in the office/basement waiting for Scully, who now arrives....

SCULLY: OK explain to me again this case, and be quick I have a lot to do before the Leno show.

MULDER: Well he was your standard sicko, he liked to cut out hearts...

SCULLY: Hence the "Paper Hearts" case and the name of this ep.

MULDER: Exactly I think he also like to make paper dolls to but could never prove it. He was an ordinary type guy. Sold vacuum cleaners like those expensive Kriby's that no one really needs but because they really looked impressive with their sucking power they buy anyway.

SCULLY: Oh is that what that little turd Perot was talking about with the giant sucking sound. He was referring to a Kriby? I always thought Kriby was the character on Disney's "Brave Little Toaster." See you learn something new every day.

MULDER: Don't do house work much huh Scully?

SCULLY: Of course not! That’s what I pay the maid for. But lets get this case done I have...

MULDER: Yeah yeah, I know you have a lot to do before the Leno show.....

We see Scully decked in scrubs hair all pulled back as she tells Mulder the results of the autopsy, while he stares at the little thing that has $ signs on it and starts to think of his paycheck. Mulder and Scully drive the home of the dead girl....

SCULLY: Are we there yet? I...

MULDER: No! And yeah I know you got to get ready for Leno. Well I'm driving as fast as I can. But this car bits! I want the Bronco, Explorer or what ever that was back! And turn that music down I can't think.

SCULLY: NO! I like this song!

Scully cranks it and sings....

"I am still living with your ghost. Lonely and dreaming of the West coast. I don't wanna be your, down town, I don't wanna be your stool picking. With my big black boots and old suit case. I do believe I found myself a new place. I don't wanna be the bad guy. I don't wanna do your sweet walk dance anymore. I just wanna see some palm trees. Go and try and shake away this disease. We can live beside the ocean. Leave it far behind. Swim out past the breaker and watch the world die."

Scully and Mulder tell the old man they found his kid. Dead. Mulder thinks and drags Scully with to search the car of the evil child molester, which is now owned by the in home 16 year-old mechanic who added all these nice features, like leather seats, which Mulder rips up, dangling dice from the rear view mirror and various other unneeded accessories before they realize that there was a camper. They look fine Alice in Wonderland and hearts of all things. So Mulder and Scully count the hearts...Then Mulder and Scully go to the jail talk to Roche, and Mulder wins a million dollars for sinking the basketball all net!

Oh, dream weaver.....Mulder dreams of Samantha, and the red bouncing ball is back... In his dream he kicks her butt in Stratego! Before she is taken by the evil door to door vacuum cleaner sales man. And then is rudely woken up by the obnoxious Beavis and Butt head add for their Movie... They have a movie? Cool

Mulder visits Roche questions him then punches his face in. Scully chews Mulder out for hitting the scum bag, and explains the inner workings of the net to Mulder.

MULDER: Hey how did you learn all that stuff about the interent Scully?

SCULLY: I was watching some program on Discovery the other day. Um... It's a Wonderful Cyber-Life Christmas Guide, or someting. They had the coolest looking stuff. BTW I could use some more RAM for Christmas.

Mulder goes home and digs in the basement for a vacuum cleaner. Hey it's Christmas, Scully needs something too, So why not a vacuum cleaner. I'll be damned if I'm getting her more RAM she makes enough she can buy it herself! We find out that Mama Mulder did indeed survive the stroke, and is all better now. Of course she hasn't informed Mulder that her and CSM are lovers again but that is for another arc ep.

Mulder and Scully are in Skinner's office....

SKINNER: What the hell do you think you were doing when you punched that inmate?

MULDER: He pissed me off!

SKINNER: You are on very thin ice and treading on it very lightly with those loafers Mulder!

MULDER: Like I care!

SKINNER: Scully! Keep him out of trouble.

SCULLY: Whoa! Why me? I am an FBI agent not agent Mulder's mother! Besides I have to...

MULDER: Scully will you shut up about Leno already!

SKINNER: Well it is your job to keep Mulder in line! And Mulder you better listen to her, or I'll write anther ep! Oh, and Scully tough break on the being bumped to second billing on the Tonight Show.

Mulder and Scully leave but first Scully adjusts her bra-strap for old time sake she hasn't done it in a while and was feeling well... Very feminine all of a sudden.....

Mulder and Scully talk to Roche again. And Roche tells them of another victim and the dynamic duo go a digging in the dirt. And we get a real touching moment as Scully helps Mulder dig. UST UST UST UST Another touching scene in the morgue when Scully tells Mulder it isn’t Samantha. UST UST UST UST. Mulder and Scully question Roche, this time he pisses Scully off only she is calm and cool and doesn't resort to violence like Mulder so no Tyson Hollyfield re-match here.... only the cold "If looks could kill you would have died last week" ice *stare* that only Scully can give.

Mulder then breaks the law again...And takes Roche on a trip to the family home. Only Roche screws up and tells Mulder that this is where the abduction happened but Mulder pulled a fast one him and took him to the wrong house. Gee didn't Roche notice that all the lamps were not smashed in this house! Roche gets pay back though. While Mulder dreams the bouncing red light dream, Roche steals his gun, but not the secret gun he carries around his ankle, and is badge. Scully and Skinner yell at Mulder for being such a doofess.

Well Mulder figures out everything, and locates Roche in a bus with what was going to be Paper Heart #17.

ROCHE: I have your gun.

MULDER: Hey there little girl. Can you count to 20?

LITTLE GIRL: Yes.

MULDER: Good. I can't I forgot. Well you be so kind as to count for me. And when you hear the gun fire and see blood splat everywhere. Go run to Agent Scully, the short red-headed agent behind me. She will protect you.

SCULLY: Hey! Stop making fun of my height Mr. Big Nose. and hurry up and blow this turd I...

MULDER: Shut up about Leno Scully! I'm hurrying.

Mulder blows this guy Roche away. Blood and brains are everywhere.....

Closing Scene -
Scully tells Mulder he should get some sleep. And then ...... UST UST UST UST UST UST UST UST The most intimate moment scene since the hand thing in Pusher and the smile at the Senate hearing.... Scully comforts Mulder AWWWWWWW then leaves.... Damn the writers!

THE END