Mean while our ex-Space Marine found a job as a telephone sales person. All is going great until the voice starts talking... Ed (that’s his name in this episode) goes on a rampage and destroys one of his fellow co-workers office.
Scully is sitting in the office/basement and Mulder walks in....
SCULLY: Where the hell have you been?
MULDER: Hey don’t start with me! I’m on vacation has of yesterday 5:pm! And I’m outta here...Two weeks paid leave. I just dropped by to give some orders and make sure you take care of all the grunt work. You know, fill out the reports, do the mundane surveillance, track leads, buy more coffee, sunflower seeds and Iced Tea, and clean the place up while I’m away. You OK with all that.
SCULLY: NO!
MULDER: Well tough, I don’t care. Now get to work. I’ll see ya in two weeks and this place better be spotless when I get back!
SCULLY: And what if I refuse? I mean I might have plans, you know, get out, go to a bar, pick up a guy, have sex, might even do something impulsive like get a tattoo or something.
MULDER: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! You! Go out and have a social life? Ha Ha Ha Ha I think not! Scully I hate to say this but we have worked together now for what 4 years. Ha Ha Ha And you have been on exactly one date. Which you canceled so you could...
SCULLY: Drag your butt out of jail! And what is so ridiculous about me getting out every now and then?
MULDER: Nothing except I know it won’t happen, is all. [Tying to keep from laughing but smirking profusely]
SCULLY: Okay, bucko! That’s it! I have had it up to here with you! I’m sick of this crap! I don’t even have a f****** desk! And damn it I want a desk with my name on it!
MULDER: Where the hell did that come from? Look I thought you were always happy with the way things are. Besides I thought little clearing over there in the corner was your place.
SCULLY: Over there is the corner, by all them damn sunflower seed droppings? Please Mulder you got to be joking...
MULDER: No, I’m not. This is a small room and there is no space for you to have a desk. And that corner is your area. Besides it’s the perfect size for such a small person like you. Look I got to get, or I’ll miss my flight. I left you with plenty to do so hop to it little Miss. And forget the desk thing. You got about as much of a chance getting a desk as your alter ego has at getting a raise. Bye! [Mulder leaves]
SCULLY: Hey you get back here! I ain’t done bitching at you! And I’m not going to do your work! I’ll show him! He thinks I don’t have a life well I got news for him! [Scully continues to mumble things under her breathe...]
ED: Stop it! Get out of my head!
THE VOICE: Ah come on Ed, you know I’m the only woman for you, all other women are trash and will burn you.
ED: Well that is true, but where are you?
THE VOICE: Can’t tell ya.
ED: I’ve heard your voice before, you sound like that little girl in those old Disney movies I bought for my kids so they’d leave me alone and zone out watching the tube instead of demanding attention from me. Wait no that’s not right you sound like that FBI agent on TV, the short one with red hair and that sexy body. I bet she would never hurt me.
THE VOICE: Her? You’ve got to be kidding me! She never goes on dates, and besides wrong FBI chick, I’m not her. I make way more money then she could ever earn. Hell I’m probably making more now just playing the voice in this one episode than she could earn in 4 years on that dumb show. So why would you want her and not me Ed? Just for that I’ll show you. I’m in your head Ed, and I can make you do things.
ED: What kind of things, anything kinky. I like kinky.
THE VOICE: Well if you like kinky then why were you thinking of that *other* female FBI agent, Ed? Besides kinky won’t work on this show, they don’t do that here. But ripping peoples faces off, headless EMT’s, black slimy oily things and murder is perfectly acceptable. So I want you do pound on the floor, so you piss the lady down stairs off. Forcing her to crank the TV up, by the way she is watching the Partridge Family and deserves everything you are going to give her after the Jehovah Witness knock on for door. But back to the orders... After she cranks the volume you get madder and go down stairs kill her, then despose of the body all nice and neat like in the furnace. Got it?
SCULLY: Hmm, that one isn’t bad. But it looks to much like that symbol from Chris’s new show. Wouldn’t Mulder shit if I came back to work with that!
TATTOO GUY: Miss, tell this man that he has a very nice tattoo so he will leave me alone. I have some illegal business to be discussing in the back with my Russian drug smuggling friend.
SCULLY: That is a neat looking tattoo. I like the red.
TG: Yeah? I use a special mixture of drugs from my friend in the back room, and tomato paste to come up with it. I’m glad you like it.
ED: Well I hate it!
THE VOICE: Ed! That was not very nice, that red you hate is my lips. And stop scooping out that chick! Remember all women hate you and will only use and abuse you. Besides she is too short for you and looks like she don’t put out on the first date, there fore she is useless.
ED: So my name is Ed what’s yours?
SCULLY: Dana.
ED: Nice name. Hey what ya doing later?
SCULLY: Working.
ED: Well what about after work, I mean would you like to go out or something?
SCULLY: Um... well... I... Um... Um... I don’t get out much and well after I get done with work I think I’ll be leaving town.
ED: Oh? Well if you finish up early and well, here is my number call me if you change your mind.
SCULLY: How did you find me? And why the hell are you bothering me?
MULDER: Well, you are too predicable and I knew you would still look into this case and you always stay at the same hotel. So what did you find?
SCULLY: Nothing, I turned it over to the local FBI people, and where are you I hear really bad Elvis imitations in the back ground.
MULDER: You turned it over to them why? And I’m following a lead on Elvis so I’m at Graceland.
SCULLY: There is no X-File in this one..
MULDER: Are you sure?
SCULLY: Of course I am Mulder! Besides you assigned me all the background checks remember right before I demanded a desk.
MULDER: Oh that is what all this handing over the case to the local FBI people is about, that damn Desk! Well you get back on this case little miss there is more to it then you might think. And you are still not getting that desk. But I will get you some Elvis magnets.
SCULLY: I hate Elvis and you’d steal them back anyway! And what else is there to this case?
MULDER: I think that man is the reason why the Power Rangers have such appeal to the little kids across America and that he is also the person responsible for introducing the Macrena. It is a ploy by the old commies out of power in the former Soviet Union to somehow re-gain power and they are fuming that we sent that heart surgeon for free over there to give Boris Yelson that heart by-pass surgery.
SCULLY: So what...The pay back was the Power Rangers and The Macrena? Mulder that is the dumbest thing you have thought of this week. It ranks right up there with the clones and you reasoning why Jesus lives in Manhattan!
MULDER: I told you it is for the Beagles. Look I know you have nothing better to do with your time so please humor me and finishing looking into this case.
SCULLY: No Mulder! This is case is closed. So if you don’t mind I have a date! Bye!
The next morning Ed is sleeping on the couch so we really don’t know if they did it or not. Scully is in Ed’s bed though and wearing his shirt when she is awaken by a knock on the door.
FBI AGENT #1: Sorry to wake you ma’am, do you know the lady downstairs?
SCULLY: Oh, I don’t live here, I only spent the night.
FBI AGENT #2: Well is your boyfriend around?
SCULLY: Oh, he’s not my boyfriend he is just some guy I picked up in a tattoo parlor. But I don’t know where he is. Do you want to come in?
FBI AGENT#1: Yes thank you. We’re with the FBI and...
SCULLY: Cool I’m in the FBI wanna see my badge? It’s got a real good picture.
FBI AGENT#2: No thank you ma’am. We are investigating a murder and really needed to talk to someone that lives here not someone who just had a one night stand. Besides I doubt you’d even understand what is going on in the case. All female G-Women are usualyl here because the law says we must hire them so we make them answer the phones and get coffee.
SCULLY: Well I’m a doctor and a forensic pathologist not to mention the fact that I know Karate and six other words in Japanese. So as you can see I’m not the standard FBI bimbo and could probably kick your sorry fat butts. I think I’ll be able to follow your story. Are those your notes? Can I see.
FBI AGENT #1: Sure.
SCULLY: Thank you....
ED: Is this where you dump me?
SCULLY: No but we need to talk.
ED: But I brought coffee and donuts please don’t dump me.
He attacks Scully. Scully puts up a good fight but is over powered by the ex-Space Marine and knocked unconscious and is dragged down to the basement to be thrown into the furnace. But Scully wakes up in time and promptly starts to use her FBI Karate skills again and beats the living tar out Ed. Ed, not happy with having is butt kicked by a small woman tries to throw himself into the furnace but Scully pulls him out, of course not before Ed has his tattoo removed the painful way, by trying to burn his arm off.
Closing scene -
Mulder and Scully walk into their basement office...
SCULLY: What! Where is my desk?
MULDER: I told you ... there is no room! And you did nothing to deserve it anyway... All I asked was for you to fill out the reports, do the mundane surveillance, track leads, buy more coffee, sunflower seeds and Iced Tea, and clean the place up. But no.....You had a date!
SCULLY: I WANT MY DESK! And a raise.
MULDER: Chill with the desk crap. Oh Scully I do have an interesting little bit of trivia for you though.
SCULLY: don’t give diddly about trivia I want my DESK! Besides you always have all those useless pieces of trivia that no one really cares about but you will tell anyway. I think the people on the Internet call them Mulderisms. An I hate Mulderisms they put me to sleep. But go on, spill it. Get it over with.
MULDER: Fine! I was going to tell about the new record you hold.
SCULLY: Record? For what, how many times I must be bored beyond believe with your Mulderisms before I can get my DESK!
MULDER: Nah....The record for must entries into the X-Files of course.
SCULLY: I don’t give a bloody damn about the record I want MY DESK!!!
MULDER: Chris Carter said there isn’t enough money in the budget for your desk sorry.
SCULLY: Oh yeah right... I bet that chick on Millennium would get one if she wanted one, but not Scully! Scully never gets anything.
MULDER: Now that is not true I heard you got laid and a tattoo.
SCULLY: HA! Just as I was about to get laid they closed the door and went to a commercial. But yeah I did get that tattoo. Wanna see it
MULDER: Yeah!
MULDER: On your butt! You got a tattoo on your butt!
SCULLY: In your dreams it’s on the small of my back and you are going to just love this....[Scully shows Mulder the tattoo]
MULDER: A snake... big whoopee...wait that looks like the symbol Chris uses for *that* other show. That is sick! You did that just to mock me!
SCULLY:> Damn straight I did! Now where the hell is my DESK!
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