Christmas Carol

12/08/97
CHRISTMAS CAROL
"The Nothingness Christmas Carol"
by C.Schmidt ®

Disclaimer: This review can be a mental hazard to ones brain and should only be read when drunk. Oh yeah not idea CC thought of it I just re-wrote it.

Opening Season -

We see a fat woman... wait she ain't fat she is pregos.... Anyway she is playing with the nativity scene so it must be Christmas... But who is this person? Oh wait never mind she is a Scully of some type... Look here comes the rest of the clan.... Wait where is Charlie? How come we don't never see him? Is he too good to spend Christmas with the Scully tribe? Melissa and Papa Scully croaked so that is their excuse for not showing up but what about ol'e Charlie huh??? Oh well when I guess Chris Carter needs to slay the next Scully member we know who it is gonna be.... Everyone comes in the happy navy home, and marvels at the similarity of the base housing... and how huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge Tara ballooned since getting knocked up. Then they do as all families do they lay dibs on you gets what room... Everyone starts makes a dash to claim their room when the phone rings.... Like a fool Scully answers it....

SCULLY: Hello....
MELISSA: Dana...it's me.
SCULLY: Huh?????

Scully yells up stairs to Bill....
SCULLY: It's for you Bill!
MELISSA: No Dana I'm calling to chat with you....
SCULLY: Huh? Why can't you talk to Billy?
MELISSA: She needs you Dana go to her...
SCULLY: Who needs me?
MELISSA: She does....
SCULLY: Who does?
MELISSA: Go to her....
SCULLY: No way I'm on vacation!
MELISSA: Go to her Dana....

The phone goes click.... Scully uses her FBI pull and traces the call, then drags Billy to the source for the prank phone call. Scully goes and sees there are cops.. Again she uses that FBI muscle and gain's access to the crime scene. Turns out some chick check out by taking a bath and conveniently slashed her wrists..... Scully tells the detective she got a call from this house.. The detective says no way this lady has been dead for days... OK a few hours, no way she called.... Scully finally comes out of the house. Bill tells her that all the cops are laughing at her. Then Scully informs Billy who was on the phone....

SCULLY: I got a call from a dead woman
BILLY: Uh, huh...
SCULLY: Only not this dead woman so we can leave.
BILLY: What dead woman?
SCULLY: Our sister....
BILLY: Dana, you have been hanging around that stupid spooky partner of yours way to long now.... You are sounding just like him, with this crud about "Oh Billy, Melissa called today."
SCULLY: Fine you don't believe me..... But I know what I heard....... It was Melissa.......

Cue Music -

"We wish you weren't living with us. We wish you weren't living with us. We wish you weren't living with us, we're not happy you're here. You drive everybody crazy. You're hopelessly fat and lazy. You're constantly in the way here so pack up gear. You're feeding your face. You're taking up space. We wish you weren't living with us, we're not happy you're here. Correct us if we're mistaken, but those are long distance calls you're making. How long to you plan on taking advance of us? "We wish you weren't living with us. We wish you weren't living with us. We wish you weren't living with us, get out of town... NOW!"
'We Wish You Weren't Living With Us'
from 'Twisted Christmas'
Bob Rivers Comedy Corp

Scully is still at the house where the dead woman lived, and she is chatting with the detective. Turns out the dead lady had a kid and Scully stares at this kid until they kick her out of the house.

Later it is dinner at the Scully abode and all pig out expect Dana she is still sort of spooked and just stares mindlessly like she is lost..... Finally she execuses her self, and calls Mulder. But Mulder is having problems of his own right now... Seems he really want to be in LA and also can't decide on what type of hat to wear, the normal one or a there real ugly bandanna type, I' live in the hood cap-ish thing... Scully hangs up before speaking.... Guess she just needed to hear his voice, as she goes back to the dinner table all happy....

Mama Scully and Scully have a heart to heart while slaving over the dishes. Scully bares all and actually tells Mama Scully she can't bear children.... Later that night Scully has dreams of her childhood......

YOUNG SCULLY: You killed my rabbit!
YOUNG BILLY: Did not you forgot to take it out of the box.

Scully is awaken by yet another phone call. So she goes down to the house and is told to get lost. Next Scully finds herself at the police station.

DETECTIVE: Scully FBI.... What brings you down here?
SCULLY: No reason just driving around...
DETECTIVE: Uh, huh....
SCULLY: OK something don’t seem right here... I'd sort of like to see everything you have on the Roberta Sim case
DETECTIVE: Thought we went over this already...
SCULLY: Come on in the sprit of Christmass please let me look....
DETECTIVE: Sure fine what ever... I'm going for donuts while you rummage through her purse want some...
SCULLY: Nah... hey can I remove this crime scene evidence...
DECEPTIVE: What a pic of her kid.
SCULLY: Uh huh... may I...
DETECTIVE: I don't care....

Scully makes a beeline for the picture section of the Billy Scully abode and finds what she is looking for.... It's a match! Emily looks just like Melissa. Scully pulls out that trusty laptop and using that fancy shnazy FBI clearance hacks into the US birth records. She finds out Emily is adopted. She then calls ol’e Danny for a fav..... Then has a weird flash back.... Then wakes up and high tails it down to the police station again... OK she showered and changed oh yeah then rented a car and ditched the family, told them she'd meet'm for lunch, typical blow off....

Next we see a Scully in leisure clothes at the police station....

DETECTIVE: Agent Scully its been a whole four hours I was getting worried.
SCULLY: I wanna do an autopsy on Roberta Sim
DETECTIVE: You?
SCULLY: Yes me.
DETECTIVE: Why?
SCULLY: Well I haven't done one in a while well on a human, mostly been slicing and dicing aliens before the cancer. But now I'm all over that and I am really dying to do an autopsy.
DETECTIVE: But why?
SCULLY: Oh, yeah I forgot... I think she was murdered....

Scully gets her wish and is now looking at the contents of the woman’s belly... no pills, just whole wheat toast and cantaloupe..... After a brief yet through sense it is revealed that Scully figured it out... someoner jabbed the Sim chick with the needle on the foot (it was something meant to be over looked but they didn't count on Scully queen auptoist to show), drugged her shoved her in the tub then sliced her wrists. The detective eventually buys it and they search Mr. Sims house. Mr. Sim is pissed... Scully notices some strange looking men drive away....

Later Scully finally comes home. Those things she requested arrive and she rips open the package then matches up one of the results... It's a match... Scully gets that "OHMYGOSH" look, and Mama Scully barges in....

MAMA SCULLY: Dana, you ditched us for lunch why?
SCULLY: Busy.
MAMA SCULLY: You are supposed to be on vacation young lady, not working.
SCULLY: Something came up
MAMA SCULLY: I can see that but come on Dana it's Christmas and...
SCULLY: You have a grand daughter.
MAMA SCULLY: Mulder knocked you up?
SCULLY: No... never happen, I don't believe in sex. Melissa...
MAMA SCULLY: Mulder knocked Melissa up?
SCULLY: No.. Mulder has nothing to do with this... But look I just got these results they match...
MAMA SCULLY: So who is my grand kid...
SCULLY: The kid that the mom committed suicide.. You know the Sim woman...
MAMA SCULLY: And my granddaughters name is...
SCULLY: Emily.
MAMA SCULLY: Guess I know what we are doing tomorrow...
SCULLY: Right getting to the bottom of this and getting our Emily back she is a Scully and should be raised as such....
MAMA SCULLY: Well yeah, you can do that, I'm going Christmas shopping.... That Mulder friend of yours should could use a new hat and you should have a desk!
SCULLY: A desk... I've always wanted a desk of my own....

They all go to bed and Scully dreams of her childhood, this time it is Christmas and we learn the story of the cross.... But Scully is rudely awaken by that detective, he as news about bank deposits and Mr. Sim. Things happen and we find out all types of useless info and they arrest Mr. Sim. Scully has this attachment with the girl and gives her a "the" highly coveted Dana cross.

Now it is Christmas eve and there is a big to do at the Scully house but Dana sulks. She and Billy are about to get into an all out "You are nuts and you don't understand" battle when Scully gets a call from the detective. He tells her Mr. Sim confessed. Scully goes down to see what is up, she sees those weird guys again and tries to chase them but since they are in a car and she on foot and she is holding up traffic, they get away. When she gets into see Mr. Sim, he is dead.

Later Scully and Bill chit chat about Melissa and the adoption lady comes.....

ADOPTION LADY: I'm gonna reject your plea for adopting Emily.
SCULLY: But WHY?!?!?!? (the tears and heart wrenching facial stuff starts)
AL: Because of your line of work and....
SCULLY: I work for the government!
AL: Exactly! And Federal employees are NOT to be trusted, that and you chase aliens around.
SCULLY: I do not! I investigate the unsolved.
AL: And your schedule is never the same. I also reviewed your history... says here you were abducted and just got over cancer, Now how are you gonna be able to be there for Emily if you get abducted again? Or eaten by a were wolf?
SCULLY: I won't ( AL: How can you be so sure and please stop crying like a baby, this is not helping your case and you are really doing a piss poor job....
SCULLY: Hey! I want my second Emmy damn it so hush the tears and agust will continue for a bit more while I milk it for all its worth OK! And I want my kid!
AL: Well you also have another disadvantage....
SCULLY: Look I only dated Adrian Hughes and I am NOT THE ONE ON TRIAL!!!
AL: No maam I was going to say you are not married and....
SCULLY: Oh great that old fashion I need a man thing! Well I could get one if I wanted!
AL: Your parenter Mulder Spooky what ever doesn't count.
SCULLY: Not him, we can't be a couple it is against regulations and well I think I respect him to much to sleep with him....
AL: Well Again I'm sorry but I am gonna have to recommend you be denied... Good night and Merry Christmas...

Scully falls asleep on the couch and has yet another weird dream, this time it is Melissa and they are having a heart to heart girl talk.....

It is now Christmas morning and the Scully clan barges in and wakes Dana as they make a bee line for the Christmas presents. There is someone at the door, it is a package for Scully. She opens it and is stunned.....

TARA: What is it Dana....
SCULLY: OHMYGOSH!!!
MAMA SCULLY: What honey...
SCULLY: OHMYGOSH!!!!
BILLY: Cut the crap, what is it!
SCULLY: I'm a mama!!!!
THE SCULLY's: Huh?????
SCULLY: This says I'm the mom of Emily.......
BILLY: I thought you said Melissa was even though she wasn't ever pregnent remember you went off on inverto and stuff...
SCULLY: Yeah will says right her my DNA is a perfect 100% match, I have a kid anyone have a cigar?
MAMA SCULLY: But Dana dear you can't get pregos you are barren remember.....
SCULLY: Don't matter, these tests are never wrong and it says right here Emily is Dana Scully's biological kid!
BILLY: Dana why you always have to upstage me?
SCULLY: Huh?
BILLY: Me and Tara was gonna be the first to have kids, with Charlie being gay and all you being barren and Melissa being dead.... Then you contrive this Melissa is a mom thing, even though she is dead .. Now that there is holes in that you claim to have a kid even though the aliens removed all our child making things... You ruined my Christmas! Oh and guess what Dana!
SCULLY: What?
BILLY: I really did kill your rabbit! So there!
SCULLY: So what I got over that years ago..... And I'm a mama now!!!! Whoo hoo!!!! I wonder who the daddy is.....

To Be Continued......