L I T A A L Y A ' S B A L C O N Y
Welcome sisters enjoying or suffering the Transgender Syndrome and welcome to those who love us and try to understand us.
My name is Lita Alya and I come from the beautiful City of Baguio in the Philippines. I am 40 something years old, married, with children - two girls 19 and 10 - one boy 15. I am 5'8" and with dieting should weigh around 125 lbs. My wife knew about this before and so she participates by buying me femme things at times.
I am M2F TV who absolutely loves to be en femme and I am also a Lesbian and love beautiful girls. And so it is total femininity for this T*girl. I love it when I feel feminine. I love all the feminine things specially lipstick, ear rings, and bra; just using these, I feel completely girl. I am an "abnormal" girl in that I love females. Isn't that being quite TRANSGENDERED!
I am a post-transvestite. That's a new term isn't it. It simply means that I have progressed a little to being a mild transsexual. I don't get too excited by dressing anymore but it is the feminine feeling that counts; I will elucidate later.
I often use the balcony of my house to see the outside world and if the people in the street see me, its Okay. How different it is from being inside the Closet where many of us were imprisoned, restricted and frustrated in not being able to live as we feel we should. It was a yearning, a constant wish to be someone else. Now we can at least open our prefered selves in Cyberspace.
This web site is an expression of my feminine side. Maybe it can be a means to make new TG friends and I hope that with this, one more voice is added to the statistics of how many we are.
I hope to complete this work by adding: A little more about me, Some thoughts, a scrap book, and whatever...
Some of my T*girl friends specially my best friend Diana of Diana's Place, are in the links page.
A B O U T ...Y O U R S ...T R U L Y
Just like 90% of the others' stories, I too started young, perhaps when I was four. Although I don't remember, I am told that I liked parading around in some kind of a girl's bath robe. I remember when I was maybe eight, as I first went to kindergarden. I found the teacher so pretty that I wanted to be her! When I got home I searched my Mom's dresser and tried to fix my hair with some clips and ribbons and put on lipstick trying to look like her. What a wondrous experience, as I saw myself looking a little bit like her, I really felt I was a girl!!
I didn't like so much to wear my sister's clothes although at tmes I would try her school uniform. She was older and bigger so her clothes were not glamorous enough.
My Mom was different. She was very chic and elegant, always in with the fashions and she had everything one needs to transform from boy to girl!
I was about ten when I discovered I liked to wear my Mom's dressing gown. From there the ritual bloomed into wearing everything from corsets, pantyhoses, bras, high heels, jewelry and every make up itme there is..lipsticks, foundation, powder, blushes, eyeshadows, mascaras and eyeliners. I had wigs, false eyelashes, and put-on long nails. It was heavenly and extremely sensual to see myself transformed from a weak non entity of a boy to a beautiful and sexy girl. Imagine a twelve year old boy dressed like a 25 year old woman!
We T*girls know what it is all about..the why of it and the thrill of it.
I haven't seen a full description of the physical and mental effects of dressing up as a woman. Let me then tell you what it was for me.
First..why?
I am a girl wannabe. What you read is true, many of us go to sleep wishing to wake up a girl. Somehow there is a very strong element of femaleness in us, mentally and physically at times. Definitely mentally, physically a lot of us do have a lot of feminine qualities such as long arms and legs, slender bodies, small facial features..its not too difficult to transform to a girl then. Some of course really look masculine naturally, it must be hard for them I guess. The solution there is to master the art of makeup and body contouring with cinchers and padding and whalla the rugged one is transformed into a damsel.
The emotional intensity of having an opportunity to dress and to plan it is tremendous. Its like creating a dream..you are literally creating the girl of your dreams..yourself! Maybe it is the most pleasurable feeling in all the world which is why some call the TGs "gender gifted."
So the moment comes, you sit in front of a mirror and begin to create a masterpiece! To set me up in the femme mode I first put on a bra [in the past I would stuff it with stockings, then rubber foam forms..now I can manage to fill up a bra]. I also cover my forehead with a headband.
Transformation, Part I, Creating a Female Face!
Step 1
Apply makeup foundation either cake or liquid makeup, try to cover the eyebrows [am luck to have sparse brows]. Do put all over the neck and upper chest as well as your arms and legs.
Step 2
Remove blemishes and some wrinkles [sigh*]with an erase stick. I use Max Factor Eraser.
Step 3
I have to patern my brows after a local movie star's [Lorna T]brows which I find very nice and femininely arched. Do your brows [almost concealed with the foundation but you can trim the long hairs with a scissor] with eyebrow pencil. This is the most difficult part of making up..its so hard to make nicely arched and matching left and right brows [make somebody do it for you and sit back and enjoy it]. Oh well, that's rare. I do the outer slants first after making a top of the arch point first. Then do the inner parts and pray that your pencil doesn't exceed the desired boundaries. With luck, I may get it over in 10 minutes. Oh what a relief..but my, my its so nice to have feminine brows, arched and formed. Its so satisfying to see that your face has some color already after that ordeal
Step 4
I choose a lighter shade for the inner eye like silver gray and for the outer a darker shade of blue/brown. Sometimes I line the outline of the eye balls with an eyebrow pencil.
Step 5
I use a black eyeliner to frame the eyes, not too close to the eye lids to make the eyes bigger. On the upper ones, at the outer corners, I do a small owtward slant.
Step 6
Its also hard to put on false eyelashes. The glue is applied and carely rest and press the false eyelashes on the upper lids trying to be as natural as possible. For sexy poses I use a double layer of lashes. Its a nice feel that its heavy as you flutter your eyes.
Step 7
I use a tube mascara to touch up the false eyelashes and to elongate the lower ones. It takes matbe five layers to complete the job. Below my last big purge I taped myself on VHS doing step by step make-up [sigh, gone forever*].
Step 8
Dust the face with loose powder to set the make-up and remove the sheen.
Step 9
Now to blush the cheeks preferably with a glossy pink shade. This narrows the face and gives it a heavy feminine glow.
With a darker blush, I dub a little on the two sides of my nose and a little under the front to narrow snd shorten the nose, just slightly now.
Step 10
For me aside from putting on a bra and clipping on a pair of earrings, the application of the lipstick is one of the biggest thrills...for me having lipstick on is enough to turn me into a girl!
First outline the lips with lip liner, darker than the lipstick. Do increase the boundaries specially in the lower lip. It would be nice to have a full half round lower lips. Look at all the beautiful girls, they have full lips. So now get the tube lipstick, I like the red - orangey shades. Now slide it on. When complete, purse the upper and lower lips to even it all up. How nice it is!! I like to do maybe 3 coats and I don't blot. Fact is one should even finish with a lip gloss. Wahla, finished and I look like a pretty [modesty aside] girl with a guy's hair do!
For several years when I was single, I wore my hair long reaching to my mid back. Its so easy to look female with long hair styled like Cindy Crawford. I could also pony tail it high at the top of the head like girls do. Caring and sweeping the hair aside sets you off to femininity! You can feel it as the hair rises and falls as you walk. Really a sweet feeling..so girlish! Turn your head fast and the mass of hair follows..very nice and feminine!
That was then, right now one has to content oneself with using wigs. I had several all different in styles. Transformation is instantaneous with a wig.. just put it on and Whalla..you become a woman with gorgeous hair!
For a more femme feel, I put on a dangling earrings. For me you can't be complete without earrings! It pulls down and it creates a tingling sensation when you move or turn your head. The longer the dangle, the bigger the sensation..so deliciously feminine!
Sometimes I manage to grow my nails up to 1/4 inch. Apply nail polish or manicure to the fingernails for a highlight of the femme look and you can feel the nail polish sticking. Look at your hands to behold a part of beautiful you! Do the toe nails also. I love plain shiny pinkish red shades. I don't go for metallic shades or frosted ones. Sometimes put on nails are sexy too as they are longer up the half inch. Its hard to pick up things..but it is the femme way..use the finger pads and not the finger ends!
Put on a necklace for that girl neck, same with a bracelet on one hand and a girl's wrist watch on your right hand, the put on my femme rings. This finishes the Make Up / Transformation Part.
To be continued...
SOME...OF...MY...PERSONAL...THOUGHTS...
Remember me saying that I have become a Post-Transvestite? All along up to maybe six months ago, I was really in the grip of Transvestism..dressing in the clothes of the opposite sex for sexual gratification. Because of the sexual angle, there is the guilt feel and the plans to purge to reform oneself. So then with those feelings a TV would doubt the level of his femininity, ascribing these desires to plain sexual purposes...the sexuality of it is very, very pleasurable and intense...defintely an addiction or obssession! Surfing the web, I encountered the term "CD" [not the music disc]. CD, CrossDresser..dressing to compliment one's transgendered feeling. In other words, one feels female first and dresses just to complete the picture. Since the TV and the CD are not synonimous, I presume that the difference is the non sexual aspect of the CD. Therefore the CD is a higher level of transgenderism..the level of femininity is purer and not tainted by the sexual! A CD would easily turn Transsexual since the masculine attributes do not matter.
Maybe I should define some terms:
Some currently seldom used words first:
Effeminate - just like a woman, soft, delicate, feminine, unbecoming a man
Transvestite - a person, mostly male who dresses as a woman for sexual gratification. The TV usually regrets the sexual aspect leading him to purge and cast away this femaleness and revert to being male. Of course usually since it is quite pleasurable, he would keep returning to being a TV, enjoying the dressing and the sex.
Sex Change Operation - surgery to remove the male organ and to provide for a simulated female vagina
Hormone Treatment - the early introduction of female hormones to feminize the patient's body
The Current Terms:
Transgendered - persons with sexual dysfunction or Gender Identity Disorder. The individual's mind or gender does not at times or all the time conform to their physical sex.
Cross Dresser - this is a relatively new term and is distinguished from the transvestite in that there is no sexual aspect to the dressing. The CD dresses to complete the feminine picture..to feel physical femininity by wearing female clothes to compliment his already feminine mentality. CDs are therefore very close to being transsexual. To be contiuned...
T H E...C O G I A T T I...T E S T
Jennifer Reitz, a TS woman [post-op M2F TS] has a web page at www.transsexual.org where you can see her advicing a great many TGs seeking help, from young boys to those who are in the edge of suicide.
It is a very comprehensive treatise on the subject of Transsexualism and a part of it is the COGIATTI on line test of your gender's TS level.
The lowest score would indicate that you are basically male and should try to ignore the lure of tranvestism, next score - you are an Androgyne, person shifting from male to female and vice versa, you should find out more by seeking counsel or joining the Chats, the third - you a possible TS and should try HRT and RLT, the highest score would set you as a real TS and should follow the prescribed steps to a possible SRS.
One of the first TG that I Emailed was Jennifer Lynn [Jennifer's Igloo] a nice Canadian whom I queried on how one can determine one's TG level and she suggested my taking the test.
I scored 65 and was adjudged an Androgyne. After several weeks, I took it again and scored even lower at 54 but still an Androgyne. So disappointing, since I am a TS wannabe.
A few days ago [after 5 months of discarding my Transvestitic character of dressing with the arousal angle and progressing to real feminity in my attitude "Post Tranvestism"], I took the test and scored 244 points!!! My, I am a possible TS!!!
Nov 8, 2001, this is my first update in a long while.
Being under stress because my wife had suddenly turned quite hostile to my CDing, religious concers, and the fact that my femme feeling had intensified greatly, I finally after much hesitation to consult a psychiatrist to verify where I really stand from a professional point of view rather than my own conclusion that I am really a TS.
Days before, I was getting very nervous: so I consulted my TS friends, Vera and Malana what or how I should present myself to the Doctor. I of course wanted to make sure I would be seen as a TS and so I wanted to lead my story to end the way I wanted. But my good friends adviced me to be sincere about the whole thing and I followed their good advice.
And so last October, I went. AS truthfully and sincerely as possible, I related my TG live, my neverending wish to be a girl, my crossdressing which I said I couldn't give up when asked about stopping, my feeling of total happiness when assuming my femme personna, my non sexual aspect in that I didn't have homosexual experiences, the extent of my wardrobe, and family matters.
And so after an hour of interrogation, it was concluded that:
1. my crossdressing is vital to my mental wellbeing and that without it I would be under a heavy emotional stress and so I should continue dressing even with objections from my wife
2. my history proves I am a TRANSSEXUAL having the mental and emotional character of a female, I should undergo sexual reassignment surgery; however due to family concerns and my being 45 yol are impediments for this particular Doctor who is used to treating 20 yol and pretty TSs and sending them to the surgeons
I was so very elated in the findings that I was correct all along that I was a TS. I am a girl! I am a woman!! I am a female!!
Regarding not being allowed to SRS, for now it hasn't really disappointed me as I can live with being a psychological female as I said earlier and besides, I am still euphoric about being adjudged a transsexual. Its True and I am not just imagining it!
Friends tell me to seek other opinions or even go to Thailand. But not for the moment. If and when my dyporia aggravates I think this Doctor would relent and change the decison to a favorable SRS assignment making me as real a woman as us TSs can be. Wish to God, it will happen.
To be contiued....
SEE...SCRAPBOOK in the Pics Page following the pics
my friends and links.
