On September 7, 1998 was Awarded:
Silent
No More! A Victim who became a Survivor of Domestic Violence Speaks Out...
and points to some helpful online resources directed towards others in
need and those seeking to help...
This site is dedicated to all the women who struggle to find life
after violence... I'm struggling my way through and know how difficult
it is...
I think that we need to be here to educate each other, ourselves, and
those who don't have a clue what it's like... I'm a survivor of physical,
sexual, and emotional abuse who returned to my husband and we managed to
stay together for several more years... please notice I said "stay together,"
not "be happy."
As I saw my situation worsening again this past Spring, I struggled
to make the right choices at the right time. This website started as a
place my husband doesn't know about to gather resources and do some deep
reflecting, now I hope it serves as an inspirational and educational resource...
To begin, I think the lyrics to the Billy Joel song "Code
of Silence" best explains why I'm creating this website. That's his
song that starts "Everybody's got a million questions..." (released in
1986). In the summer of 1998, after leaving my 9-year abusive marriage,
I wrote a poem entitled "Silent
No More" which I think makes a powerful counterpoint.
It is my hope that as you read my writings you will gain both knowledge
and inspiration; my website balances sharing the feelings of the victim/survivor
with offering guidance toward safely living your life (both immediately
and after getting free from the abuse). I've also included notes and suggestions
on how you can best help the women who face this struggle — both on a societal
and personal level. And of course, general information about the dynamics
of domestic violence are a necessary part of any website such as this one.
A List of Rights Commonly Forgotten by Victims of Domestic Violence:
You have the right:
-
to joy
-
to a life without any abuse
-
to make your own decisions about your future
-
to be human and to make mistakes
-
to change your mind, plans, and goals
-
to laugh
-
to sleep the whole night through
-
to eat what you want when you want
-
to visit with family and friends
-
to privacy
-
to be treated with respect
-
to not hide the actions of another (the guilt doesn't belong to you)
-
to go where you need and want to go
-
to love
-
to do what you want (and accept responsibility for that)
-
to be healthy
-
to feel hurt and to cry
-
to be angry and to say so
-
to say "no" without feeling selfish or guilty
-
to not need another's permission to do things
-
to share your thoughts and emotions
-
to a life without shame
-
to be complimented without sarcasm
-
to live without the fear of abuse
-
to assistance from the police
-
to financial independence
-
to work in your choice of jobs
-
to not be patronized or put–down
-
to develop your own identity and talents
-
to be safe
-
to be loved
-
to be with a partner that you love and like
-
to ask questions
-
to change yourself in the ways you want to
-
to control your own appearance
-
to not be humiliated
-
to not be threatened or intimidated
-
to protect yourself and your children
-
to your personal beliefs
-
to the truth
-
to help yourself
-
to succeed
-
to choose your own friends
-
to be at least as angry at or fearful of a lover as you would at a stranger
who did the same things to you
-
to share plans and decisions that affect you both
-
to not be interrupted
-
to have your thoughts and opinions listened to and seriously considered
-
to feel how you feel — not necessarily how you've been told to feel
-
to be right without being made to feel guilty
-
to be comforted by your partner
-
to your sexual interests, desires, and fulfillment being as important as
your partner's
-
to not be harassed by a partner "checking on you"
-
to come and go without having to "report in" with details about where you
went or what you did or who you saw
-
to have friends of both sexes without accusations of unfaithfulness
-
to fulfilled promises
-
to survive
-
and to live!
In the words of another: "Domestic violence is physically, emotionally,
and/or sexually controlling or forceful behavior that creates or maintains
an imbalance of power between two adults in an intimate relationship. Domestic
violence ranges from severe humiliation, to slaps, to name–calling, to
rape, to beatings, and even death."
In my own words: Abuse is a pattern of hurting someone. It doesn't
even have to fall into any particular categories... it just is — especially
if the abuser has been told that those actions hurt... The pain is deep,
real, and understandable no matter which "type" of abuse you suffer and
all
abuse is serious.
One of the poems I wrote this summer sums up my struggle:
Battered woman,
Crying on your sleeve.
Battered woman,
Trying to believe.
Battered woman,
Wanting out, wanting free.
Battered woman,
How'd that become me?
Battered woman,
Beaten black and blue.
Battered woman,
Trying to see it through.
Battered woman,
Fearing her loss of pride.
Battered woman,
Who easily could have died...
Battered woman,
Controlled by his tyranny.
Battered woman,
Scared even once she's free.
Battered woman,
In the end losing nearly all.
Battered woman,
Don't let him be your downfall!
WebPages here in "Silent No More":
Part One: A Personal Perspective
-
My Story
-
My Poetry.
Poems I've written, primarily about domestic violence but some about nature.
Several
of these are quality work (I've been invited to read several of them at
a Candle–lighting Ceremony). For nine years I hadn't written a good poem,
but after leaving the abuse behind I started writing daily and still write
a few each week.
Part Two: The Facts
Links to Other WebSites:
Purple
Ribbon Project: Raise Awareness & Reduce Violence in our homes &
communities
Need help offline? Try these:
National Resource Center on Domestic Violence ... 1-800-537-2238
National Domestic Violence
Hotline ... 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Hotlines:
State by State
When
Love Goes Wrong: What To Do When You Can't Do Anything Right
by Ann Jones & Susan Schechter, Harper Collins, New York, NY 1992.
Want to help solve this problem in our society?
Call the toll-free Action Line at 1-800-END-ABUSE. Leave your name and
address to receive a Take Action Kit which details innovative ways
people can get involved in stopping domestic violence.
Did you know?
-
The hurting gets worse as time goes by...
-
the partner who belittles you now, may later push you
-
the one who hits now, may later rape you
-
the one who rapes you, may later threaten you with a weapon
-
the one threatens you now, may later kill you
-
There are usually good times after the bad times
-
when they treat you the way you like to be treated
-
when your partner tells you how much they love you
-
when they buy you gifts or beg forgiveness
-
when they promise to never hurt you again
-
You can sometimes "feel it" when something is about to happen
-
after the good times comes a period when things are tense
-
your partner becomes more easily angered
-
you feel like you're tiptoeing on eggshells trying to keep them from cracking
-
they tell you it's all your fault, that you're making them act crazy
-
Trust your instinct when you feel something happening!
If you don't understand how even the simple touch of a spouse can
become painful please let me suggest a simple exercise...
Put your left hand flat on the table, palm down. Touch it with your
right index finger extended and rub a little. I'll bet your finger is so
that the part of your finger touching the back of your hand is a part that
is flat on the table. And that the touch would be comforting from a spouse
or lover.
Now, lift your right hand higher so that your finger points directly
down at your hand. Move the finger around maintaining that angle. ... Even
though you're touching the same place with the same finger, the 2nd touch
isn't comforting, is it?
And if it came from your spouse on a regular basis would you feel he
was acting in a comforting or an aggressive manner toward you? And if it
follows more serious abuse, how would you view it then? So not all hugs,
kisses, touches, or even more active exchanges of intimacy between spouses
are positive... sometimes it can be abuse — even from a spouse who
consistently claims he's "trying to say he loves you..."
This page has been visited
times
since June, 1998. You are not alone!!!
Free homepages are available from 
is
GeoCities OnLine Community for Women & Women's Issues