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There are many reasons why a man could be considered perfect. Here are just a few of the major characteristics that must be considered.... He should not help shoveling the snow because it will eventually melt anyway. He should not go out of his way to compliment people on how good they look-this would only imply that they never looked good before. He should not accept change without a fight because being stubborn will prevent anarchy. He should only wear shorts when he feels it is absolutely necessary-usually between the Fourth of July and Labor Day-because changing between shorts and pants in the Spring and Fall involves too much effort. He should believe that a cool tattoo would be Papa Smurf holding a gun to Smurfette's head with the words "Life is Unpredictable" underneath it. He should not be ashamed of his addiction to Melrose Place or orange tic tacs. His nationality should be Irish and German-he should feel sorry for anyone who asks questions like "Does a McNazi come with fries?" or "Were you born drunk?" because they obviously have an inferiority complex. He should always argue, no matter how wrong he is, until the other person gives up-no one will appreciate his persistence, but at least he will win the argument. He should tell people that they must take part in the "total experience" when they eat at Friendly's-anyone who does not finish their appetizers, dinner AND a super sundae should never be allowed to eat there again. He should always walk around the house wearing only underwear and slippers- regardless of how bad he looks. He should never let anyone know too much about him or allow his picture to be taken-this will make him more mysterious and ensure that his legend will continue. His ultimate goal should be to live a life that is free from human contact. He should aspire to build and live in a trampoline fun house. He should always tell others how great the Jets, Mets, Rangers and Knicks are- regardless of how untrue it might be. He should always drink a great deal of alcohol whenever he feels the need to-despite the fact that he will become loud and obnoxious and remember nothing the next day. He should always speak in a sarcastic manner because it pisses people off. He should let everyone know that Twisted Sister is the greatest rock band ever-anyone who disagrees with him can "burn in hell." He should always laugh at his own jokes because it will guarantee that at least one person finds them funny. Last, but definitely not least, he should have a "crazy" nickname.
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