WALL OF HATE
1. My Old Roomate
2. My Buddy Jeremy's Ex-Girlfriend
3. Sell Out Friends
4. Cafeteria's that close on Holidays.... I NEED FOOD NOW!!!
5. Creepy Gay Guys who want in my pants.... I'm Straight
6. Great friends dying far too young
Movies I really really really want to see
La Jette
Kung Fu Hustle
Ong-Bak
Wednesday, June 2nd
SELL OUT!
Yeah, I Sold Out and moved my domain. This site will be the back up archive site from here on in
Sunday, May 8th
Bohemian Lifestyle
Been back in Saskatoon now for almost two weeks now, and I think that I have finally gotten readjusted. Still have a few things to unpack, but I've been managing to find a proper balance. A key part to that balance being reading, writing and cooking just as much as I watch TV or movies. So far I've made it through "Dude Where Is My Country" and "Stupid White Men" by Michael Moore, "The Hot Zone" by Richard Preston, and "Good Omens" by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman. I've also managed to pump out the first fiftenn pages of a film script and learned how to make Chicken Poppy Seed Strawberry Salada, Authentic Tomato Sauce, and Grape Chili Meatballs. Other than that I've been hanging out with Big Andy, Jeremy, and even amazingly Lando, and abusing my mothers new cappachino machine.
Saturday, April 22nd
Been back in Saskatoon for three days now, and I'm loving it (but not in a McDonalds fashion). First night I ended up heading out for coffee with Jenni and Chris, followed by a long conversation with Chris about pro-wrestling. On Thursday I ended up getting a hair cut from Liz. Yesterday I spent the day running errands at the U of S, and hanging out with Jeremy and Andrew to play some video games and watch "Kung-Fu Hustle". Seems like a pretty unexciting time on paper, but it's hell of alot better than the best Regina had to offer.
Wednesday, April 20th
Getting The Hell Out of Here
So I'm finally done my finals and I'm done with the U of R for another semester. Ended up spending my first night of the summer last night with the three people who are going to be my roommates next fall (Amy, Anna and Joseph) getting drunk. Turned out to be a pretty decent time, but it ended kinda sourly for me. Amy ended up calling it an early night, so I was left with Anna and Joseph. And after a few slips of the tongue by them, which I would be surprised if either of them caught, I was left feeling like the old fogie of the group. So I did what I usually do in such circumstances, waiting for my chance to piss off when nobody was looking. Was just going to crash and sleep for the rest of the night, but my sleeping pattern has been all out of wack due to the stress of finals, moving back to Saskatoon, and summer session. So I ended up tossing and turning for most of the night, and now I'm awake at 6 in the morning packing up all my stuff so to save time this afternoon. I'll have pleanty of time to sleep in the car. Man is it going to be good to get the hell out of this armpit of a city.
Sunday, April 17th
Films Geeks
Things have been pretty ho-hum down here as of late. Everyone has been busy studying for their upcoming finals and that takes priority over entertaining John. Things with Anna have been going pretty good as of late, although I managed to mildly piss her off by telling a few (okay more than a few) embarrassing stories about her to her girlfriend Carly.
Ended up stopping by a film geek party last Thursday night. Was inviting by this kid who I went to highschool with who is sadly ahead of me in the film program. On paper a party filled with film geeks seems like an ideal place for me, but the follow through into reality destroys any of those notions. There was just something about that party that made my skin crawl. Yeah, it was a rank sausage party, that is to be expected with any geek-oreinted party. I think the biggest problem I had with the party is that I'm a film-geek snob. I found myself differentiating between people who were passionate about movies, and jackasses who don't know what else to do and like movies. Yes there is a difference. Now I'm not expecting these people to have "refined" tastes and like crappy French New Waves films, hell I'd dislike them more if that was the case. Actually, the term "like" is wrong, "appreciate" is more what I'm looking for. Despite my intense dislike of Neo-Realist cinema, I can appreciated it for what it has done and it's strengths. Or by better example, although "They Live" is a cheesy and rather poorly acted (despite the amazing big screen debute of Rowdy Roddy Pipper... that was not sarcasm) sci-fi flick, I can still appreciate it for the entertaining movie that it is. From the vibe I got most people there watched very main stream movies in their off hours and had more bland and trite taste in film. It's easy to really really like "Kill Bill", "Star Wars", "The Matrix", "Lord of The Rings",.... etc. because everyone loves those movies. But it's the harder to like movies that define a persons taste in film. Yes, I like alot of the same moves as most other people do, BUT the ones that define my taste are the John Carpenter cheese-fests, the Dario Argento Gore-films, and the Akira Kurosawa samurai epics that I love.
I guess I came into that party with the wrong mindset, most of the people there were pummelled with films every day in school and were sick of talking about them. While I get that same pummelling, and still want more. Another factor could have been that most those kids were basically drunk potheads who were about as deep as a puddle. Either way, I stuck around the party for about an hour or two before finding an ideal chance to sneak away during a blackout (it was the same night as the wind storm).
Thursday, April 14th
Email Epilogue
As you can tell by my last blogs things haven't been going all that well with my father. The seeming final three emails in this series have been sent back and forth and go as follows.
This is my response to my fathers last email:
ahhh.... you think I'm being irrational and unfair. This should be fun.
Okay, you haven't been in a relationship for 8 years. Okay, have I ever asked you to be celibate for me? I'm pretty sure I'd remember making such an intrusive demand on you. But even putting that aside, let us do some math. I moved to Saskatchewan the summer before grade 9, I attend 4 years of highschool, and I'm now in my 4th year of university. Wow, that's 8 years. And hell, I barely had anything do with you for those years. Kinda makes your statement bullshit. It is your own damn fault for not being in a relationship for 8 years. Placing blame on my sisters and I is like trying to say that it is our fault for the divorce.
So say that every cent you spent went into us three kids. I happen to remember a certain lawsuit that you VERY foolishly wasted an extreme amount of money on. How many years did your pride and stubborness drag fed that leech of your wallet. Yeah you've busted your ass for years, but don't go blaming me your injuries. You aren't unlucky, your unsafe and an idiot when it comes to work. Your work hard, not smart. You are going to get in shit with the ambulance because it is no secret that you broke your arm skiing. And don't you try and blame it on me telling that one guy at the photolab. Your co-workers already know, and you are in DEEP shit if you try and shift responsability for your actions.
Hasn't been a single time that I contacted you about money that you weren't there for me. How about the plane tickets so that I could make it out there for Mike's funeral. Guess what? Jason offered to pay for those tickets before you. Yes, dipshit himself. And last I checked Christy paid to get me out there and you went along with it after the fact.
I turned my back on you. Hmmm.... lets see. Remember the Wizard of Oz... oh shit you wouldn't because you were too busy that night. Or what about A Midsummer Nights Dream... oops you fucked that up too. Boyscouts, Karate, Soccer,..... should I carry on? Yeah I understood that you were busy, but you didn't have the forsight to book off those nights from work to show me any attention.
Yes, you were there to help me with money.... but there is a HELL of alot more to being a father than just handing out money. I owe me an apology for your mistakes, and failures as a parent. Although they seem little to you, they fucked me up something fierce.
Okay, you opened up the Davina can of worms. So here it goes. Everyone in the entire family knows full well that she is taking advantage of you. Actually scratch that, you are letting her take advantage of you because in some sick and twisted way you think that is a sign of affection. You are never going to be able to help her out until she is able to help herself. Next time she asks your to leave, LEAVE and don't go back until she asks you too. This woman needs to learn that her actions have consequences and she can't shit on the world and then bitch about the bad hand that she was dealt. The worst thing about this is that while you are pampering her, her two kids are probably going through hell. Davina is doing all of this shit to herself, and that is her own god damned fault. But the crap that her kids are going through is grossly unfair, and it seems very apparent to me that Davina is fully unfit to be their mother. You talk about getting Davina into therapy, ever stop to think that maybe your also may need a shrink. You depandacy issues are as clear as day to anyone who even vaguely knows you.
Why should I phone you up for a conversation? All I would get is the same amount of intimacy that you would give a co-worker. You would ramble on talking about all the shit that is important to you, without even once asking about my life. You are one of those assholes who doesn't listen and instead just waits for his turn to talk again. And that is why I told you in my last email not to vent any of this to Christy. Your constant off-loading onto her is causing her undue amounts of stress. It's not her job to be your therapist!
So you say you love me and want to get close to me in the future. Well what's stopping you from trying that right now. Hell what stopped you from trying that five years ago, or eight or ten. Your waiting for me to come to you, and that is not going to happen. I wasn't the one that fucked up our relationship, you were and the responsability for repairing it is squarely on your sholders.
From what I've been told from my older sister Christy these emails I've been sending my father have really been hitting home, but you wouldn't be able to tell that from his response:
I'm glad that you can see the world with such clarity.Can you smell that condescention Perhaps someday I may be able to do the same. I chose not to be rude and mean to you or other people in general. If every thing that is happening with everyone is all my fault, then so be it. I can at least accept responsibility for my own actions and try to correct them. Reference that I have been asking him to do this in my emails to him and yet he still isn't
I chose not to participate in further blaming and finger pointing.Because everything is his fault I never said that any of my problems were someone elses fault,reference the email where he said that he went without a relationship for 8 years for me and my sisters or expected them to fix everything for me. I am just doing my best to treat all of those around me who I love and care for, with the respect that everyone deserves. The man hasn't shown me an once of respect in my entire life
Love can you feel it? Dad
I retorted:
Hide behind your words all you like, what you are saying is pure bullshit. You have never given me any respect, so what does that say about whether your love or care for me. AND have been rude and mean to me. Your last email was pure condescention.
Your are NOT accepting responsability for your actions. This is why I'm being so mean to you about this, because god knows you wouldn't listen to me at any other way. I am needing you to take responsability for your actons, and have not even shown an once of effort in trying to correct them.
"I spent 8 years without a relationship of any kind to be there for the three of you, and everything I had went into supporting all of you." That there is placing blame on me.
Until you are willing to try and prove to me that you are going to take responsability for you failures as a father, I want nothing to do with you.
To make my father even more classy, he has been venting about me to my sister Lisa. He barely even ever talks to her so she's is realishing this. Basically she's taking his side about this whole mess. So now my sister and I are on bad terms... joy!
But thankfully I've managed to patch things up with Anna down here, so that is off my worry list. Although things really haven't changed, as she is still up to her eyeballs in homework, and all of her free time is going to her girlfriend. So I still have lots of time on my hands.
Ended up going to a game of Musical Chairs at the university here on the last day of classes last Tuesday that was put on my the moustache club. Highlights: 1) having my moustache refenced as a very Fredrick Nieche. 2) Outlasting all of my friends (minus Joseph) in the epic 30 person Musical Chair Battle Royal 3) Joseph eliminating the uber-competitive jack-off that cheated to get me eliminated 4) Jeff Knieval doing a stellar job as a refereee by making a double sitting tie situation resolved by a dance off and by making the final 10 competitors skip as the went around the chairs.
But in other news: I've been offered a position as an extra for the Tommy Douglas movie. Unfortunately casthing call is at 7 AM and I lack a means of getting there. Would take the bus except that I'm dead broke. My food card ran out and I spent the rest of my money getting groceries to feed me for my last week down here in Regina.
Wednesday, April 6th
Yet Another Loggerhead
Amazingly this next blog isn't about Anna. This has to do with a problem that I've had for a long time now. Two weeks ago when I was out in Ontario I saw my father face to face for the first time in four years. Was there any bonding to be had? Hells no. Nope for the excruiating two and a half hours that we drove back to my Sister Christy's house he said nothing to me. Well that isn't necessarily true. He did crack a fat and balding joke, followed by him bitching me out for not having a job. The only other chance we had to talk was on the first Sunday I was there, but everytime I tried to start a conversation he would shush me because NASCAR was on. I didn't see him again until over a week later when Christy drove me to the airport. This was because his girlfriend, who is obviously psychologically disturbed, was in day surgeory and was stuck in hospital due to complications. Now keep in mind I'm using the term "girlfriend" as loosly as possible. My father has given this woman $50,000 to help keep her house. She has repeatedly asked my father to leave her, but when she does he asks for his money back. My father is basically holding this woman hostage. A good reference for how healthy their relationship is can be found in what she said before she went under for surgeory ("I never want to see you again") and what she said when she came to ("I hate you"). So for the second half of my week in Ontario my father was unwantedly by her side. He couldn't find two hours to get away from her and spend time with me. The last I saw him was when he tagged along with Christy again as she drove me to the airport to head back to Regina. He slept for the vast majority of the way there, and when he wasn't sleeping he was talking to my sister like she was his therapist (something which is needlessly stressing out my sister).
So after a warm and fuzzy visit with my father like that I got this email from him
I'm sorry that things didn't go the way you wanted them to last week. I wish that it could have been different as well. I can't always say what I am feeling. but that does not mean that the feelings are not there. You can't know how proud I am of the man that you have become and how much you have grown as a person in these last few years Keep in mind he didn't say more than two words to me for the whole time I was there, so he has no clue what type of person I am , but that still doesn't make it easy for me to talk about it with you. I don't know why that is, or what it will take for me to be able to comfortably communicate with you the way I can with Christy or Lisa, all I know is that someday thats where I want to be at.
If you felt that I told you that you were wrong in where you are going with your life, that is certainly not what I meant, however you may have taken something I said. Here is a quote "John you can't keep wasting your life in university." You are and always will be my son and the person that I want to measure up for, HA! more than anyone else in the world.
Right now I have a lot on my plate and again I apologise if you felt that my not being physically there with you all the time was some sort of a snub. I think the not talking to me while I was in the same room as him for about two or three hours constitutes a snub If it were you, one of your sisters or even your mother in the hospital here Take note of the word "here" with me, I would be here just the same.
LoveNo BS he hasn't said that word to me in YEARS Dad
Can you smell that bullshit. Obviously this was an email sent by my father upon request of my sister. Now don't get me wrong, I love Christy, but this reeks of her guilt tripping Dad into saying these things.
So I did what I normally do, I wrote back... and vented just a little bit
You know what. I'm not all that pissed about you being with Davina. Hell that happend half way through my visit, and odds are the second half would have turned out the same way the first half of my visit did. You physically being there, but not talking and wanting to be somewhere else. It wasn't me feeling that I was snubbed Dad, I was getting snubbed. You wouldn't fucking talk to me. I put myself out of a limb even trying to reopen lines of communication with you. And you treated me like I was a burden.
I'm sick of this. I can honestly say that you have been a horrible father to me. Yeah you were there financially, but that's it. Your there financially for you pick up truck when it needs repairs.
I've been trying for years to earn your respect, attention, acceptance, and love. And all you've done is criticize me the whole way. End result of that many years of that of abuse. Everyday I'm stuck fighting an uphill battle to stop myself from feeling stupid, ugly, and untalented.
"You really should get responsible and get a job to pay your own way through university"
You know why I can't. There is this little voice in my head, and guess what it does? Every time I make the smallest mistake, that voice is there like a fat kid on donuts. It criticizes my every action, good or bad. And when I'm unhappy, it is there to tell me I deserve it because I'm not good enough. Eventually after a few hours of this my begin to shake and I have problems keeping focused because that little voice is starting to scream at me. Moments after that I start to get dizzy and have problems keeping composed. If you haven't figured it out by now, I suffer from really horrible panic attacks. And you win the grand prize if you can figure out who's voice sounds an awful lot alike to the one in my head.
I gave up trying to earn you love a long time ago, because I was never going to be good enough for you. Instead I got a new motivation. I decided to prove you wrong, because it was pretty fucking obvious you were undercutting my every effort. You have no right to be proud of me, because everything I have accomplish so far and will accomplish in the future is in spite of you.
I gave you a chance to be there for me as my father again. You had years to try and get comfortable communicating with me, and you didn't even try once. Hell when I was out there I out and out asked you to try. I understand that you "had your plate full", but I was at the bottom of your priority list for years. And after four years of not seeing you face to face, you would rather spend time with a woman who tells you to "go to hell" before she goes under the knife. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out where I still stand on your priority list.
Maybe this will work: Save the emails and go to hell. If the only way you can tell me that you love me and are proud of me is when your guilt tripped into it, I don't want to hear it.
Oh and one last thing. Don't vent this to Christy, she's not your therapist. She has her own life to live and your not helping ay by putting all your crap on her sholders.
Okay, I vented ALOT. But it quickly took away that bullshit and showed my father for what he really is.
If you want to make me the bad guy for everything that has happened in your life, go ahead... I have done nothing but bust my ass for other people, including you, for years. Oh, guess that means that I financially owe him love I spent 8 years without a relationship of any kind to be there for the three of you Two things about that statement A) I have no lived in Ontario for over 8 years, and B) like not being a relationship was his choice, and everything I had went into supporting all of you. Except for the oh $100,000 he wasted on a BS courtcase against the national parks that he soundly lost, oh and the $50,000 he spent on Davina, oh and the divorce lawyers as well The fact that I am with someone else now, is because I deserve a chance to be happy and do something for me, at this point in my life. As far as how I see you and how I feel about you, you have no idea obviously.
There hasn't been a single time when you contacted me for money, which seemed to be the only time you contacted me, when I didn't come through for you.Asking for help paying tuition is such a horrible to do You chose to turn your back on me for years, yet You could still depend on me to be there for you.
You tell me who is not being fair with all of this.
Yeah I was being unfair to my father, but nothing I said in my email was a lie. But I have homework and errands to run this afternoon. Just thought that I would share that little snippet of family life with the world
Tuesday, April 5th
Sick of Regina
I'm really sick of all this bullshit that Anna has been throwing my way over the last week. It is blatantly obvious that she has issues in her past, and because of them I get scape goated. In our email arguements she went as far to say that me asking for her if I could cry on her sholder was emotionally manipulative. Keep in mind, this was two days after I found out one of my childhood best-friends had died. The most frustrating part of all of this is that she won't admit that she was in the wrong in the least. I can understand if she has issues in her past that make certain situations sensitive, but to label me as "emotionally manipulative" for asking support that I didn't know she coudn't give. BLARG! I'm just sick of the nasty glares, and snarky remarks. I'm bending over backwards apologizing for what I did, and she taking a power trip over it and venting her rage with the world through it. I'm being a bit drastic with this blog, but I'm just sick and tired of being the diplomatic one and basically having her spit in my face. I'm just sick of this refusal to forgive a friend BS. BLARG!
In other news I've been busy with homework... that is it. Everyone that I usually hang out with is also busy with homework or unfairly hating my guts. Can't wait until this weekend so that I can have some people to actually socialize with. Scratch that! I can't wait until I get back in Saskatoon where I can have far more than the half dozen friends down here to hang out with.
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